School have drawn up a rota on who DD can play with and when!

[sandyballs]

Long story that I have posted on several times before over the years.

DD (10) has had an obsessive friend (k) since reception. K has always wanted DD to herself and resented anyone joining their games. DD is popular and wants to play with lots of kids but k makes it difficult, following them, making stuff up andvtellibg teachers etc.

I have spoken several timed to teachers and the mum and things will settle for a few days then return to obssessive stuff again. DD feels suffocated. In particular she has a friend (J) she loves to play with. K obv hates j as she sees her as taking DD away from her and the last couple of weeks there has been lots of hassle with k.

DD came home last night with a written timetable from her teacher setting out which days she is supposed to play exclusively with K and which with J. I'm cross that the school think this is a solution, dd is miserable and dh is livid comparing it to being asked to spend time with your stalker!!

I'm going into school later but wanted views. Incidentally K has special needs, young for her age in speech and behaviour. I have always taken this into account but am now thinking this has gone on wsy too long and it's my dd I'm concerned about, special needs or not.

I appreciate poor K has a problem, but no-one should be telling your DD who she must play with. I'm sat here reading this.

Writerofdreams - you sound like a much nicer person that I could ever be!

K's mum is out of her depth I agree, and I do feel very sorry for her but have had enough of it all and it seems that K's feelings and welfare are paramount, rather than DD.

I'm thinking of involving the head, something needs to be done. The SN teacher also said that the rota was drawn up to give DD and J some space away from K. Just seems very odd.

So, are they still going ahead with the rota even since you spoke to the SN teacher?

An update, thanks for all your earlier replies. The rota was dropped after I complained about it and K was told to stay away from DD and J and they tried to encourage her to play with other people. DD was happy, J was happy, K wasn't.

Muddled along reasonably well, a few jealous outbursts from K but nothing too bad until last week when DD came home nearly every day with scratches on her - K had got angry that she wasn't playing with her and had lashed out. Her mum rang me, said it wasn't acceptable but she could understand why as K wants to play with DD, usual story. She has now gone into school and suggested an alternative to 'bring them together' - she wants J and DD to help K with her work as she struggles and hopes this will make them friends again .

DD came home yesterday and mentioned that her teacher suggested this but DD has told her she doesn't want to. When I asked why she said 'Why would I want to do that when she has made school and friendships so difficult for me'. Fair enough, how can I argue with that, I completely agree.

Can't believe that the school are still trying to make your DD effectively care for K. And great that your DD is becoming very clear that she doesn't want to do that. TBH, your concern is your DD. I would ask the school to move your DD to a different class next term - maybe with J if J's mother agrees. And if I was K's mother I would be asking the same (or thinking about moving schools).

The school need to do some work with K on how to deal with people not liking you.

Your DD should not be any part of it.

My DD has difficulty accepting the fact that two of her school friends are inseparable. My involvement with the school on this has focused on the fourth girl in their little group because she is competitive and sometimes bullying of DD. When I talk to DD about the situation (which can upset her a lot), I encourage her to branch out with her friendships and have been inviting other girls for playdates etc to this end. I have also done a lot of work with her on assertion because the best-friend duo can be mean at times.

But I totally agreed with the teacher that these two girls are actually entitled to play alone (without DD). I think they use DD a bit so I do feel irritated with them but I would hate the teacher to somehow make them responsible for my DD's feelings - what kind of life lesson is that?

It must be hard as K has SEN. But the basic principles of managing girl friendships have to be the same.

I think I would speak to the school pretty quickly about the scratches - K is bullying sandyballs's dd and that is not acceptable. K may have special needs but that is no excuse for her being allowed to carry on physically hurting another child - she needs to be shown that it is wrong. How this is done needs to be thought out by her teachers with help from an ed psychologist if need be (as it sounds like the SN teacher has run out of ideas).

Sandyballs, perhaps it is time you (and your DH if possible) had a chat again with the headteacher, and then later scheduled a meeting with all 3 mums? I've a friend whose son has SN (a form of autism) who had the same behaviour has K.....maybe not exactly the same, and he was a bit older so he could be reasoned with, but it was still a bit obsessive/possessive - he had difficulty making friends with many other children so he would cling to her, which was suffocating for her. The school has to involve parents of all 3 affected children in dealing with this. The school isn't handling this properly. Sending your DD home repeatedly scratched by K is really not acceptable. It's about time they switched the girls' classes.

(sorry, laptop playing up - "cling to her" should read "cling to a female classmate")

Agreed that the school appear to be rewarding K for scratching your DD. I'd contact school and explain that your DD has been pushed too far and is no longer willing to help her as she has been bullied by K. If they had handled the problem better in the first place it would not have resorted to this.

The school don't sound like they are handling this well, I'd be inclined soon to speak to the LEA and/or governors.