Ideas on developing emotional maturity at 5yo

[Sops]

Has anyone got any ideas on how to help ds (almost 5) develop his emotional maturity?

He is very emotionally volatile, every little frustration is accompanied by over the top expressions of anger. He frequently lashes out at dd (7) whenever they have even the slightest disagreement and I know that the teacher is going to talk about it when we go for parent's evening later this week.

He also is terrible at following instructions and struggles to sit still for carpet time etc.

I was hoping for some ideas on how to help him develop in this area- he is lagging well behind the other children in his class from my observations and I know it would make his life so much happier if he could control his emotional outbursts better. I just don't know how to help him though...

There are gov targets to be seen by a paed, so the wait is not too long.

The paed will then probably involve the EP.

You can go privately - but I think you're better off starting with the NHS.....

I feel like it must be neurological for ds because behavioural approaches that we, nursery and school have tried have had no lasting positive effect (frequently a negative one). Nor does he seem to be maturing emotionally as he gets older.

The more hardcore we are with making him do stuff the more and more he digs his heels in even when it is in his interests to comply.

Every little thing is a challenge to get him to comply. Teeth brushing, getting dressed, coming to the table for meals, walking to school, walking home from school etc etc etc etc...

Luckily dh and I work for ourselves and have an extremely flexible lifestyle which means we can take it in turns to 'deal with him' and be all four of us together much more often than most families. This perhaps means that we are able to be much more tolerant of his behaviour than we might be in another situation.

Just returned from parent's eve for ds.

Talked over our concerns with the teacher and she has agreed that it would be best to arrange a meeting with the school SENCO.

Thinking about it, he has had these social and emotional issues for so long and we cannot really see any long term improvement in the problem areas at all. Sometimes we have periods of relatively good behaviour and you think you've cracked it, then he suddenly goes back to his old ways for no apparent reason. This happens again and again. But if anything he is getting worse.

Strangely I feel very relieved to have talked it over and she has agreed that as the problems are exhibited at home as well as at school it would be best to get it checked out to see if he could be supported more appropriately.

Do we need to see the GP as well to get the ball rolling there too or should we wait and see how we get on with the SENCO? Can anyone tell me the protocol on this?

I wonder how other weds night parent's eves have gone for you guys?

Yes, go the GP and get the ball rolling.

The SENCO will probably only talk to you about what school can do for DS.

Thanks Indigo.

How should we present the problem to our GP? I could write a book about the characteristics he has that could point to some sort of issue. Should I go in there with a bullet pointed list of all major and minor points or just distill it down to the most problematic?

Should we take ds with us? Might it be difficult to explain his issues to the GP when he is present?

Don't take DS with you.

Tell the GP you want a referral to a paed because you want him assessed for ASD/ADHD/Dyspraxia/? as he has X, Y and Z symptoms. Also say he seems significantly behind other children his age and school are also concerned.

It's not the GPs job to dx - only to refer you on. So all you have to do is convince her to do that.

I went into the GP with a bullet point list which I gave to him. It was scanned onto the computer so it went straight to the paed with the referral.

great tip ben10 thanks.
I will get working on my bullet points and hopefully get an appt in the next couple of days.

Leningrad, glad everything went well at parents eve for you. Sounds like lots of simple adaptations are being made for your ds which could make a real difference to his school experience.

I must say a huge thank you to you for suggesting PDA. I have spent the last two days reading everything I can find about it and i'm feeling like I have lifted the lid on his world- so many things are making sense to me now.

I started highlighting the diagnostic characteristics that applied to ds, but then realised I'd highlighted every sentence on the page!

Just tonight he asked dh to show him something on the computer. dh said "Sure, come over here and have a look." Ds didn't look at him, it was as if dh hadn't spoken. dh says again "If you want to have a look you'll have to come over here, come on now" again ds wouldn't look at him and completely ignored him. Dh and I exchange a look, dh says nothing for a minute or so, then ds gets up and goes and sits by dh.

That kind of thing goes on dozens of times a day with him but I'd never really noticed it before, and certainly not realised there was any significance in it.

I now understand with things it's not the task that he can't do, it's the ask.

Just been talking to my mum tonight who remembered that her mum used to tell her brother to do the opposite of what she really wanted him to do as he would never do as he was told. Also, neither dh or I like being told what to do, most likely why we've ended up working for ourselves. I really hated school because of all the pointless rules and control (as I saw it back then). All my reports say, she could do so much better but she just never tries at all. I only enjoyed learning once I got to university and was master of myself. It's all in the genes I guess.

It's like a huge revelation all this! I feel like now I understand there is so much we can do to make life less stressful for us all. Thanks a million!

I'd love to keep hearing how you're getting on, so if you wouldn't mind do keep me posted on how counselling etc. goes I'd be really interested.

Good Luck.

Ben10 - that link was really interesting, but sounded very much like the 5+ year old list for Aspergers. Have never considered dyspraxia - have you noticed this similarity?

Gosh. What an interesting thread. We are in a very similar place - DS2 in reception and are really wondering if he will make it to class 1. I go through that same cycle of thinking I am getting worked up about about nothing more than boisterousness/ naughtiness and that if I just cracked down more it would all sort out, to fearing that the moment he just seems a little different but what if the gap widens with time, rather than is grown out of.

I think his biggest problems in the classroom are keeping still, transitioning between activities once he is dug in to them, and understanding the difference between 1-to-1 interactions and 1-group ones.

School asked us to persue a neurodevelopment assessment, and we took a two pronged approach - we got our initial NHS meeting in December which has led to a multi-disciplinary assessment (whatever that will be) in May, and shelled out for a private one too (shh, don't tell the NHS!) in Jan. Cost £700 and not really sure I am happy with it - I am uncertain as to how one can come up with a diagnosis after a 2 hour meeting with limited detailed assessment of the child, but perhaps am kidding myself. Keen to see what the NHS has to say.

Meanwhile am just hoping that he can keep enough in the group to hang in at school. His teachers are pleased with him academically (which I understand is likely to nuke getting him any NHS support), but the head teacher is being much more equivocal about whether he can make the leap to class 1.

Is amazing to hear so many of the other posters on here having such similar borderline SEN issues ie trying to make mainstream work.

Chelsea - did you get a dx in Jan? Of what?

A multi-disciplinary assessment is a good thing. You are very lucky to be getting this.

There are loads and loads and loads of children in this position. You are probably feeling very alone right now - but you aren't.

Your understanding of what support is and isn't available in school is probably wrong - most people's is until they delve into it with a fine tooth comb. So come and join us on the SN board when you're ready - and we'll be able to fill you in on the basics....

Michaelahpurple

Strangely enough I am wondering whether we might come out with an aspergers diagnosis or aspergers traits.......

Last night dh went out for a drink with a good friend of ours who is a GP. He said unnecessary to go to GP as school will handle it all. Do you agree with that? However, he's never heard of PDA either- so far, so not reassuring!

This morning I gave ds's teacher a print-out of the diagnostic criteria from PDA group and said I'd be interested in what she thought.

She has arranged a meeting for us with her, head teacher and SENCO on Tuesday which we're very pleased about.

Has anyone got any tips on the best way to approach the meeting. We are SOOOOO convinced of PDA for him, everything we have read so far (and that's a lot!) is so applicable to him. But we definitely aren't going to go in there saying "Listen to us, we know best!", we do know our son best, but they are the professionals after all.

What will the likely route be from here? Assessment by the SENCO? Will they look at getting an ed psych or similar to asses him too? What about statements? I'm a little worried that they won't take it perhaps as seriously as we might like, although I've no reason so far to suggest this. Indeed, she's been very prompt in arranging this appt so that shows she is keen to move forwards.

We're a bit nervous about all this as it is such new territory for us. Should I post in special needs, and if so, what question should I ask!!??

Coincidentally there's quite a few informative videos about PDA on youtube for anyone who's not discovered them yet.

Your GP friend is not right :( Unfortunately GPs mostly don't know anything about the education system. So they assume things, which are wrong.

You need a referral to a child dev paedetrician.

You are an awful long way off getting a statement. Getting a dx does not mean you get, or need, a statement.

However he should def go on to the SEN register at School Action.

They might get the EP to assess him - but if they don't the paed will probably request it.

We got a dx of aspergers with possible ADHD, but with the view that it was too early to say on the latter, both due to age and query as to whether this setting was wholly suitable, thus causing stress and hence ADH type behaviour.

Don't know if am just kidding myself about not wholly embracing this yet, perhaps partly because the whole session left me with something of a "so what do I do now" feeling.

V interested to see if the multi-d session in May heads down a similar route - if so I guess I will have to face up to things!

I must come over on to SN - have lurked occasionally, but was still feeling a bit overwhelmed - time to gird my loins I think!

his biggest problems in the classroom are keeping still, transitioning between activities once he is dug in to them, and understanding the difference between 1-to-1 interactions and 1-group ones.

This certainly sounds like Aspergers.

And the multi-d session will certainly be looking for it.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed. And there's not a lot you have to do now - if you're coping with him fine at home, and school are coping with him fine at school.

Thanks for the advice on the gp. I will get an appt on Monday, I guess there's not much time lost and I will be better prepared with the weekend to Marshall my thoughts.
I am thinking and reading such a lot and I am looking back at my own experience of school which was disastrous from the very beginning. I hated hated hated all the rules and could not conform. I walked out of classes, refused to join in loads of stuff. It was much worse at secondary school. It was quite authoritarian school, the kind where children had to stand whenever a teacher came in the room and I loathed it from the very first day til the very last. I only did the absolute bare minimum of work that I could get away with. I was actually secretly pleased by my appalling end of year exam results, a classic low of 23% one year.
I've been clearing out a lot lately and looked through some old reports just the other day. Every one of them says, she is capable of so much more but she never makes any effort, she won't contribute to any discussions in class. I was so anxious all the time that i used to lie awake til the early hours every night.
Looking back I always knew there was some reason behind that unhappiness and now I know what.
I hope I can make things better for my little boy, but it feels like a big responsibility right now.

Seen the gp today. He agrees that it needs to be looked at. He wants me to go and see the senco tomorrow and ask her to put her thoughts on the issues in writing for him to see. He says they should be talking about an Ed psych.
He has asked me to go back with ds so that he can rule out any other medical cause and once he's seen what the senco has to say, will decide on the next step.
He has had a good day at school according to teaching assistant, which is good. But very bad at teatime, spitting his water on the floor and trying to bite me because his custard was too hot- tbh much worse than usual. Maybe because he'd been so good at school??
We are at the park now so hope will be able to get him to come away without too much trauma!