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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

How to cope with bragging parent.

37 replies

pongonperdy · 10/03/2011 11:40

A friend of mine has a DD in the year above mone at the same primary school. Everytime i see her she tells me what amazing thing her aughter has done. Brilliantvat reading, praise from the teacher, winning a race, excelling at swimming etcetc.

Iam sure she is just proud but i cant stand it. I have no inclinatipn to tell her or anyone apart from grandparent etc how my child is doing.

How do i deal with it without either starting to compete woth said bragging or loosing my rag.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LindyHemming · 10/03/2011 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fruitshootsandheaves · 10/03/2011 11:45

I wouldn't be able to help it, I have to come up with something ridiculous to see how she reacted.

I have a friend like this except things are always much worse for her, no matter whats happening in your life much worse things are happening, about to happen or happened in 1864 to her!

Checkmate · 10/03/2011 11:47

I think with a real friend you should be able to have mutually supportive conversations, encompassing your child's strengths/weaknesses/illnesses and everything about them.

If she's showing no interest in your child's achievements, only her own, then she's not a real friend and I'd phase her out of my life, to be honest.

Original poster

pongonperdy · 10/03/2011 12:03

I tend to thinkthat people do this to hide insecurities or is that wishful thinking.

If i happen to mention something my DD has done i get an "aww thats nice" sort of patronising response usually followed by how her daughter did that faster, better first etc.

OP posts:

jonicomelately · 10/03/2011 12:06

Why is it so bad that she's proud of her daughter? Do you think she should not say anything at all?

Original poster

pongonperdy · 10/03/2011 12:09

Of course not. Every parent is pround of their child i am sure but the need to tell people all the time is odd in my opinion. I am immensly proud of my children but i dont feel the need to tell people which stage reading they re on, or that they finished first in a race.

OP posts:

BeerTricksPotter · 10/03/2011 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jonicomelately · 10/03/2011 12:36

I wouldn't do it but if that's what makes her happy then what damage is she doing.
BTP's advice is vv good.

lilolilmanchester · 10/03/2011 12:44

Agree with BTP's suggestion - just be sure to say exactly the same thing every time, she might get fed up before you do

Pagwatch · 10/03/2011 12:49

Decide if you are a big enough person to politely acknowledge what she says and forgive her for being so gauche. Or tit for tat or be smart arse and question why you are so insecure that it bothers you.

I used to get wound up by a friend boasting until I realised it was because I was defensive about ds2.

If the main problem is that only having one subject of conversation makes her dull then just give her a swerve or change the subject a lot.

dontdillydally · 10/03/2011 13:32

why not tell her that research has proved that by the time they get to Year 4 the others catch up and in fact her genious DD just becomes "average"

sue52 · 10/03/2011 13:43

Just say "oh really" and change the subject immediately, unless she is totally clueless she'll get the message.

Original poster

pongonperdy · 10/03/2011 13:43

Thanks for advice. Will try BTP tips. Dont get me wrong it doesnt bother me massively but have alwaus been brought up to think bragging was rude, thats all. I am not being defensive or insecure but just wondered if others find it irritating too.

Agree that its not causing me harm but wonder if its good for a six year old to have such high expectations set for them.

OP posts:

Helenagrace · 10/03/2011 21:34

I was plagued by a mum like this for three years with dd. The worst experience was after dd had had the class bear (why, why, why do teachers do that???) and it was at the time that it was becoming pretty obvious that dd's poor writing was a bit more than poor writing (she's dyslexic). This mother came up to me and said "oh we noticed (dd's) writing in the Barnaby Bear book. You must be so worried about her. Maybe you should think about a special school or something. I'm worried too as (her dd) is the only one on her reading stage. I'm worried she'll be lonely being the brightest in the class".

Now I had had a really really rubbish day and wouldn't normally react and to fully appreciate the impact of this you need to know that I used to be a senior nurse and manager in the NHS, but on this occasion I said something along the lines of "Oh dear I'd be worried as well. Did you hear about that (thoroughly made up) research in the Lancet recently about excessively bright children and how it's linked to adolescent mental health problems? I'd keep a close eye on her".

I'm not proud of myself...but it was immensely satisfying to see the look on her face and watch her scurrying away on a fruitless search for this research.

OnEdge · 10/03/2011 21:38

helen Fuckin brilliant quick thinking !!

IntotheNittyGritty · 10/03/2011 21:48

Sometimes parents dont realise how patronising or annoying they are and it needs a cold blunt comment to bring people back down to earth.

Helenagrace - brilliant!

OP when you get the comments reply with "And"

see how she responds.

... what do you want me to do about it
....thats great but why are you telling me
....why is it so important that I need to know these details about your child. I am only interested in how my child is doing.
.....if she is first in everything where does she go from there.
.....why do you think its important to make comparisons.
.....all children are brilliant at something.

Good luck. Find another friend

confidence · 10/03/2011 22:01

Tell her that her daughter is so great, you'd like to buy her.

Offer her five million pounds.

When she pauses to consider the offer, make sure she notices that you noticed.

IntotheNittyGritty · 10/03/2011 23:13

Breeding tomorrows bullies!

It will also become worse as time goes by when the child behaves just like the parent.

A child will hear that they are better than so and so at this that and the other constantly, so when they are at school they will repeat what their parents have said and will continue with the comments, putdowns, jibes etc.

But the insults/bullying will be in ways like "you are crap at xxxx", "you are useless" "you are at the bottom" "you are always last in everything" "I am better than you at xxx/everything.

Those kids dont realise how offensive or upsettng they are being because they hear the parents speak of these children in that way.

So I ask any parents reading this to think about how they talk about other people around their own families, and if you have had any feedback that your child is namecalling or bulling or being hurtful to review their action/behaviour

Saracen · 10/03/2011 23:30

I always try to steer the conversation back to the child's happiness, to make the point that I think that is far more important than her accomplishments. I am interested in other people's children, so long as it isn't just bragging. For example:

"She's in the top reading group."
"Oh, that's nice. Does she enjoy the books? What sort of topics does she like reading about? Maybe she could recommend some of her favourites to my daughter; she likes stories about magic too."

"She won the race."
"Was she excited about winning? Does she like running? Did you know there is an athletics club nearby that she could join next year? I hear the coaches are wonderful."

BeerTricksPotter · 10/03/2011 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunnydelight · 11/03/2011 00:04

Oh I always just do a variation on "that must be nice", "how lovely", "sounds great" etc. with a smile on my face. People boasting about their kids' achievements (as opposed to friends sharing good news and you know they will listen to your good/bad news in return) are a total bore. I can't be bothered to waste any emotional energy on them.

Clary · 11/03/2011 00:25

OP I posted on a similar theme once before (acquaintance preening at the school gate as her child was on the G&T register - all I asked was "how's XX doing in yr 1?") and was roundly told I was in the wrong and random boasting of that sort was fine, I was insecure.

still think it was bad manners tho and I'm like you, I would never do it to anyone other than my husband or my mum!

squashpie · 11/03/2011 12:03

Into the nitty gritty and helena grace: BRILLIANT !

These parents aren't interested in their kids' happiness. They are interested in how their kids' great achievements reflect on them and how much better they are than everyone else. That attitude does come from (deeply hidden) insecurity and it does make them bullies; it's just that their smiles and the fact that it's talk about their kids rather than specifically about themselves that makes it tricky to spot ... at first.

busymummy3 · 11/03/2011 13:01

I think everyone knows a parent like this and unfortunately it does sometimes cause the child to then "brag" about their achievements which then makes them unpopular with classmates- I mean the type of kids who constantly have to tell others how much better they are at something , how such and such is rubbish at this , how high a score they got and did they only get a level whatever for their Maths/English etc. Even worse are the kids who also report every childs score back to their parent to show how well they did (we had one in our DC'S Y6 class who did this and it emerged after other parents complained that it was the parent interrogating the child ! problem resolved by marks not being called out in class by teacher)

eileenslightlytotheleft · 11/03/2011 15:42

Why do parents think that other people are interested in their child's achievements anyway? I know it is tempting, but kids very rarely do something so spectacular that it is of interest to anyone but the parents and gps. Definitely time to find a new friend who has a life outside of her dc.

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