Came away feeling rubbish after parent's meeting

[stayfree]

My ds is in reception. He is only 4, he is 5 in august, so one of the youngest in the class. I went to his parent's meeting and came away feeling like a really crap parent :(. The teacher hardly had any positive to say about him, I had thought he was doing really well. She said he is below average for all subjects apart from phonics where he's where he 'should be'. She said he can't write, to me he is starting to make progress at home, and he hasn't progressed as far as he should have and went on about encouraging him more at home. We do our best but he is tired when he comes home from school and I don't want to be a pushy parent as he is the sort of child that likes to do things when he is ready. She thinks he is only friends with one or two other boys when to me he seems really popular, always getting invited to parties etc, other parent's tell me their dc's like my ds.

She went on about him not listening/concentrating and forgetting his things :(. To me, most of this is down to his age, I have seen him progress, he has started blending and spelling words at home. Surely he is going to be below average when most of the kids are nearly a year older than him. Just so dissapointed as he has always seemed bright to us, was an early talker and has a fantastic memory. Quite upset that she couldn't say anything positive really. Trying not to worry but it doesn't make you feel very good as a parent, especially when i have a 2 yr old dd who takes up time/attention at home.

Is she an experienced reception teacher?
She's obviously not much good at communicating effectively with parents, even if your son is struggling in certain areas, she should be telling you what interventions she is putting in to enable him to succeed.

Sorry you feel low. There are a couple of lovely posters on her that are actually teachers. Hopefully they can come along and offer you some advice in the morning.

I'm totally with you on the difficulties of having the younger one around etc.

Did his teacher give him any targets. That would always be a good start. Did she say what they are going to do to try and help him?

Easier said than done but try not to panic he is only young and so much happens in the next few years.

Goblinchild beat me to it :)

he is four! ignore them..

I'm not sure how constructive I can be but as the mum of a July 4 year old in Reception I really feel your pain! Parents evening next week and plan to ask when the 'summer birthday' thing ceases to matter!

The key thing to remember is that she is only seeing a small part of your boy. And he will probably be very different at school. She doesn't sound like the greatest communicator and (easy for me to say) but it does not make you a rubbish parent. I agree about the post-school tired thing too - DS is waaaaaay too tired to be doing much after school. Much more important for him to be fresh the next morning than stressed out with extra work. I think it's important to remember also that this is only the first step on a very long journey at school - but it feels massive because it's the first time he has done it.

Anyway, I hear you 100%. I hate the summer birthday thing as you feel like whatever they do they will always be behind - but I'm pretty sure they won't

And again. You are not a rubbish parent!

This happened to us when DD was in Y1. I sat with my jaw on the floor while the teacher told us DD had poor numeracy skills. DH asked her what our DD looked like and it became clear she was talking about another girl entirely.

DD does Maths for fun!

ps Tried to teach my DS (also in reception) some things in the summer. Stuff that he is doing now just fine. He's already 5 so probably similar then to the age your children are now if you follow. They can only get it when they are ready. There is absolutely no way they won't go back over some of the stuff again. If they didn't half of my DS's class would not learn to read or write!

Ignore her. Your DS sounds like he's doing fine. And you don't sound like a rubbish parent.

(DD is in reception and she seems surrounded by children who really shouldn't be there yet - I'm beginning to think that starting the whole class in September is just counterproductive.)

Thanks for your responses. No don't think she is very experienced, she is quite young (younger than me I think). Think she is new to the school, maybe her first teaching post? She didn't really say what she'll be doing in school, just went on about encouraging him at home. Don't think I probably communicate very well with her either, don't know what to say, as he is my first i'm new to all this. I do know that I want him to do his best but am totally against pressure/being a pushy parent as imo there's more to life and I don't think my ds responds well to pressure anyway.

She didn't say?
Oh, the possibilities...
You could challenge her on what she's going to do.
Or smile and ask her if she's an NQT.
Or just don't worry about it yet, the majority get to where they should be, and many exceed expectations.

If you really want to stress her out, ask to see his portfolio, crammed with positive observations and photographs and the like, showing how she has assessed him thoroughly over the last 6 months.

I had my parents evening today and i am not very happy. I have been telling the school for 3 years that there is something wrong with my daughter. She is in yr 2 and can barely read or write, she see SN teachers. Special needs teacher said 3 weeks ago she thought she had a learning delay but now she thinks she could be dyslexic. I am at docs on monday to get a referral as the school seem unwilling to do it. Teacher today said she lazy and doesnt listen in class, she not disruptive just not interested. She only gets 2 out of 10 for spellings, are you doing them at home. She also cant read are you doind her home reader. I said of course i am but its hard when she cant remember the word the etc. I said yes i know she doesnt listen and has concentration issues thats why i am seeing doc on Mon. She said why are you seeing doc and i said because i want her tested. She didnt know anything about what was going on and she made me feel like a bad mother.

I would speak to the head of foundation stage in the school, I think the way in which this has been put across to you is apalling - GOBLINS spot on, put it in writing to to make sure yo say exactly what you want things like:

"After listening to your comments the other evening it has raised concerns about how DS progress and how he is being/to be supported... I have some further questions concerning what we as a family can do and what guidance can you offer (ref stuff she said here).

Overall while I feel the parents evening was informative I left feeling quite negative as there was very little positive said or in a constructive manner. Whilst I understand my perception of DS progress is not shared by (name) I feel hilghlighting the extent of (ref issue) earlier would have been appropriate as to allow me to offer further support to my child.

HTH just M and hoped it practical. Ask to see what gobline said too so you can understand IYKWIM

Sorry to here this from you too FiFi, do take this up further with the school.

Have you tried colour overlays or different coloured paper to write on, this helps many dyslexics and varies from each one.

Does she know her letters/phonis go back just try and build her up from where she is reguardless of assessment outcome.

I had a friend who put herself through all sorts of stress because her summer born son was behind with his letters and spelling.
I used to listen to year 2 read, he was better than average by then.
Boys are less mature than girls when they start school, summer born boys clearly are even less ready for school. Have a

fifi25 Good luck, I have a dyslexic DD and it took to Y6 and paying for a private EdPhy report to get any sense out of her school. You just have to nag, primarys don't have a clue
I think they just assumed given two graduate parents and her younger sister being the best reader in the class that she'd just magically get it.
She hasn't and she never will. Her high school have been great, she gets a bit of help, but most importantly they understand that her written work does not reflect her understanding and set her accordingly.

hi stayfree

I read your post with interest as this is our situation with a late Aug summer-born boy (who is now in Yr 1 tho'). Like you I see my DS as bright, interested in things (ok, only those things with wheels!), fantastic memory etc. Yet by comparison with his peer group he is not doing well & is in the supported group for literacy & numeracy. My DS school put him on School Action at the end of Year R for literacy, numeracy & behaviour issues. In Yr 1 he has had lots of help with daily reading, efforts to improve fine motor skills, social stories, with the joys of Reading Recovery still to come. Yet the gap is growing and I worry when it will or ever close. Quite honestly it makes me absolutely furious - for the sake of 8 days if we had been allowed to defer him this use of valuable public resource would not be necessary. I am grateful to the school for their extra support - not every school offers this and it will help DS.

You mention that you have been asked to support your DS more at home. Again we have the issue of extreme tiredness - my son does very little outside school. I don't think he could cope - the effort that these summer-born children have to make just to keep up is so draining and stressful for them. I don't think other parents and the teachers always realise this. My DS can crash asleep at 5pm - so that means no tea, no milk and definitely no homework or reading. But what can you do? So I do defer a lot of school homework/projects to the weekend when it is quieter. And we do work on fine motor skills then eg with beading, lacing, playdoh. DS can make a cracking jewellery set which he likes Daddy to wear!

What I do do with my DS during the week is spend lots of time out in the fresh air - at the playground near the school where he will play with children from other years and scootering/walking to from school. I think this helps with behaviour & concentration. DS is now at 5 1/2 starting to like seeing & recognising words eg on a cereal packet, road sign etc, so we are very slowly getting there.

If you can, try to relax about it and keep your DS's enjoyment of school going.

Think you need to seperate the honest bits about where he is with regards to reading and writing, and her rather negative position!!
My daughter is a summer baby and her reception teacher said how proud she was of all her 'little' ones. She said they had been on earth a quarter of the time less than some of the older ones so she allowed for that. she also said that that difference evens out and not to worry.

Birth date and when they start school can have a huge difference in young children's life. By end of year one some children have been in full time school four terms and some six. As teachers we do take it into account, but we also want the children to do the best they can. Maybe the teacher was poor at communication and rather undiplomatic, and was really trying to express her desire for your child to make progress and close the gap with his peers.
Oh, and by the way the majority of children in my year 2 class last year that achieved level 3s in all subjects were summer birthdays, so you can't make the sweeping generalisation that summer birthdays are always behind, the majority of these entered year 2 at 1C / 1B and left at 3C / 3B. You know your child, so don't get stressed by the teacher's insensitive comments.
I often speak to trainees and NQTs about the lack of preparation their training gives them for other aspects of school life beyond planning, teaching, assessment and behaviour management e.g. how to write reports, how to manage other staff and how to communicate effectively with parents.

HTH.

My DS (late Aug baby) First parents evening pretty much the same. Just a whole list of the all the things DS has done to 'annoy' the teacher.

Year 1 he started to progress but the teacher seemed to keep him on the reputation the previous teacher gave him.

Now in year 2 and flying. Brilliant teacher who has got to know DS. He is above avarage in Maths, average in reading and slightly below for writing.

FWIW I wouldn't worry too much about the age expectations thing. DS Year R teacher told me in his report he was 'near to age expectations which is good considereing his age' . He got 6/7's in the EYFS score and 6 is considered average.

I would encourage you meet to meet with teacher or HT and discuss posiitive ways to move on, what you can do to help.

Both my sons, now 12 and 9, have August birthdays.

I was amazed when DS1 was in Reception to discover that my wonderful sparky chatty little boy (always described by nursery as 'very bright') was put in the support group. The teacher had grouped them according to general self-help skills, fine motor and academic. He still struggled with his socks and his buttons, wasn't really ready to start writing and found organising himself very difficult.

Some of those things were down to age and by Y6 academically he was doing really well in his primary school class and got into lots of of selective secondary schools (FWIW). However, he is now in Y8 being assessed because of dyspraxic symptoms, so some of it was actually an issue, compounded by being young.

So absolutely go back and find out what they're putting in place to help. Home is home. Yes, you can encourage, but these children are still tiny and they need to relax without too much stress.

A lot of the things your DS's teacher has mentioned are I'm sure due to relative age, but it is worth watching carefully, as some primary school teachers can dismiss issues because a child is young in the year group, or, just as bad, lump them in a group. DS2's Y1 teacher I remember once said something like "Well, August boys are a particular problem group" which really annoyed me as DS2 was anything but a problem and I was trying to find out why he wouldn't finish his maths work in class when he was playing with negative numbers at home.

I've noticed in my many years of helping at schools that for the majority of children, reading really clicks somewhere between 6 and 6.5. So for some children that's right at the beginning of Y1 and for others it's into the middle of Y2. Of course there are early readers and children who need special interventions, but in most cases by 7 they've got it and you wouldn't know who was the early reader and who not.

All our 3 elder dcs were described very negatively at parents evenings in reception and y1, for poor speech, poor motor skills, poor reading. I was left feeling like they thought we were doing nothing to support the kids at home. They asked me if I ever took them to the park ( obv we did). By junior school they had all caught up, and they now tell us how bright/ gifted they are, reading ages 16 at 8 etc. I am now going through the same thing with dd4, they wanted IEP, physio, etc, last year but I ended up saying that I didn't wanted her labelled so early. I also suggested that juniors talked to infants about outcomes of kids who were thought to have problems who were fine, and to feed back those that were missed who did have problems. I think that 4 is so young to be put in a large class.
Hope things improve with school soon for you.

stayfree - I could have started a thread about this a yr ago when DS was in reception. He is also a late August baby...

I came home from the parents eve and just sobbed I was so at the time so did not say anything, but it was all negative.

He was behind in everything and could not use sissors properly (she went on & on about this )

Anyway from about aftr the last half term in reception to now (yr1) he has come on leaps and bounds and is in the top groups for everything

The littlies (summer babies) sometimes need more time to settle into school I think...

ask her exactly how you can support him at home.

there is however not much time between coming home from school and bedtime, aand they are sooooo tired!

for his writing, plenty of colouring, painting chalking, plaaying with lego etc, pegging washing on the line.

and get him to bed, he needs sleep, not extra work. (not that you don't already)

ps if she is not a parent she may have no ideaa about wht cn realisticlly be achieved in an evening, I know I didn't as a teacher with no children.

If she is desparate for you to do something at home ask her to choose one thing you need to concentrate on as (smile sweetly) "he won't learn in school if he is too tired"

Simpson- the scissors thing! Also couldn't thread beads, or do a forward roll, or hop. At home could do 100 piece jigsaw, but that seemed not to be relevant.

It's all coming back to me..

startail, thanks, ive had enough of the school now. I am going to try the doctors route. For some reason the school are saying im trying to label her. I said im not i think there is something wrong. I know shes not lazy and recently she is getting upset asking why she cant read. Its a battle just to read a level one book as she cant remember the words from one page to the next.

Her sisters in year 4 and has always been on the top table and has never struggled with the work. Shes doing Yr 5 Maths and English. I felt like saying to the teacher 'No i do nothing with her, i just focus all my attention on her sister and leave her unable to read or write'. I spend a lot more time with daughter in yr2 as eldest doessnt need much help at all. Shes quite capable of doing her work herself. I just feel so frustrated with it all.

The SN teacher said there is no point in pushing for a diagnosis as there is nothing extra they would do to help her. So is she suppposed to go all they way through school unable to read or write. I just cant believe what i am hearing sometimes. I am so