Came away feeling rubbish after parent's meeting

[stayfree]

My ds is in reception. He is only 4, he is 5 in august, so one of the youngest in the class. I went to his parent's meeting and came away feeling like a really crap parent :(. The teacher hardly had any positive to say about him, I had thought he was doing really well. She said he is below average for all subjects apart from phonics where he's where he 'should be'. She said he can't write, to me he is starting to make progress at home, and he hasn't progressed as far as he should have and went on about encouraging him more at home. We do our best but he is tired when he comes home from school and I don't want to be a pushy parent as he is the sort of child that likes to do things when he is ready. She thinks he is only friends with one or two other boys when to me he seems really popular, always getting invited to parties etc, other parent's tell me their dc's like my ds.

She went on about him not listening/concentrating and forgetting his things :(. To me, most of this is down to his age, I have seen him progress, he has started blending and spelling words at home. Surely he is going to be below average when most of the kids are nearly a year older than him. Just so dissapointed as he has always seemed bright to us, was an early talker and has a fantastic memory. Quite upset that she couldn't say anything positive really. Trying not to worry but it doesn't make you feel very good as a parent, especially when i have a 2 yr old dd who takes up time/attention at home.

He was enthusiastic but couldn't sing in tune - he was 4 years old, couldn't throw a ball, couldn't stand on one leg for long, not great with scissors, couldn't concentrate, couldn't listen, not good with numbers, couldn't write as well as the rest of the class (this was a lie - I saw the rest of the classes attempts and he certainly wasn't at the bottom like she had told me) the moan went on and on - it sounded like his inability to do what was needed really pissed her off...the only postive thing she had to say about my summer born boy was that he polite.

Of course it was all my fault and I was given a long list of things to help fix him and I remained anxious about fixing him for a long time.

On reflection it was all a bit much - he was 4, some perspective was required but I didn't get it from the teacher, quite the opposite - incidently there was nothing she could do to help him either, I was told other children in the class's needs had to be considered too - so it was all left up to me.

Grrrr...that woman should never be allowed near children - never mind Reception children. Horrible introduction to schooling, truly horrible. Oh and our Head was bloody useless too - agreed that she was a nightmnare but her hands were tied!!!

As a teacher, I would say don't worry!. This young teacher was probably really nervous, had a list of things in her head she wanted to "tackle" and blurted it all out in a very insensitive way.

Even as a year 2 teacher, I think my job at parent's evening is to put the parent's mind at rest, begin by finding lots of positive things to say about child X ("he has lots of friends and is excellent at counting/cutting/helping at snacktime"), listen to parents' concerns and reassure and then offer one or two areas to work on ("it would be helpful if he could practice his numbers to 10/reading/putting his own coat on").

Parent's evening shouldn't contain any shocks or surprises for the parents because it there are areas of concern, they should have been discussed with the parents when the teacher noticed them, so that they could be addressed straight away in a consistent manner at home and school.

Even so, if parents ask me what they should be doing as extra work at home, I would say (excluding reading which is always good) NOTHING!! He/she's 4/5/6 etc !

Ignore the worries for now and be thankful that your dc enjoys school and seems happy and well adjusted - this is an important base on which to build later achievement.

We just had parents evening for my ds summer born in reception. He is also behind with his sounds, writing and reading but she is a very experienced teacher who did tell us not to worry as she was sure it would all click in to place in time. She stressed all his positive points - very good at making things and helping his friends and also very good with his numbers. I asked how we could help him more at home and she said do nothing extra unless he asks to do something. I trust this teacher 100% so I would say at 4 it's far too early to label a child.

OP I agree with all that says dont worry but I wanted to pick up on what you said about friendships.

My ds if you ask his teacher she will say he tends to play only with a couple of the other boys and this is true He has 3 friend he spends most of his time with. He is however invited to most birthday parties regularly invted for sleep overs and for play dates (whispers and also gets party invitations from the girls - he is 9) He is a popular well liked boy He just have a few people he prefeers to spend his time with.

Could your ds be the same?

have you asked any other parents in Reception what they made of their meeting with the teacher? Could be a few others found her comments a bit baffling/demoralising too.

Sounds to me that she's inexperienced... and it DEFINITElY sounds to me that you should not worry about your DS's progress (I've had 3 of my own go through Reception fwiw)

Oh please try not to worry too much ( I know it's hard) my DS was only just 4 when he started in reception and whilst he has always been good with numbers he wasn't interested in reading and had real problems with his fine motor skills ( writing, sewing, threading etc.) He is now 51/2 mid way through Yr 1 and excelling in every subject - I just kept reminding myself that he was a bright little boy but almost a year younger than some of the children in his class and supported him as best I could in the areas he struggled in. I have had 2 fantastic teachers to work with though and I would sugges having a chat with Head of Early Years if your not happy with the way the teacher is handling things.

I am reading a book called raising boys by Steve (somebody.. I've forgotten surname!). It basically says that many boys will struggle in school before the age of 6 and that maybe boys shouldn't be in formal schooling so young.

I also know that the 11+ test system use to take into account a childs age (month of birth) when calculating the results (don't know if it still does!?)therefore a young child in a school year is still not expected to have caught up with it's older classmates even by the age of 11.

I think the teacher was wrong to make you worry about your son at such an early point in his school life and please don't feel like you now need to become a pushy parent. If you haven't already read Raising Boys book it may be worth a read, I'm finding some of the facts and theorys very interesting.

Lonnie - yes I think my ds is the same, he has also been invited to girls parties, one he was the only boy there but it didn't phase him. Other children seem to like him but yes, I think he 'prefers' a couple of special friends.

Thursdayschild - I have heard of that book, my mum has it so I'll ask to borrow it. She had 4 girls and one boy and was surprised when the boy seemed to be 'behind' Just turns out he was a late developer and into different things, i.e sport etc.

I have chillded out about it now, think we already do enough at home. I'm just going to ignore her comments as i'm sure he'll catch up. One of his friends of a similar age came back with a similar report aswell.

I feel your pain. This could have been me writing this post. At our year 2 parents evening with a very experienced teacher her opening line was "ahh DS is the bottom of the class for everything" end of discussion. I spent the allotted 10 mins trying to prise any positive comment out of her eg. Is he well behaved (yes), sociable (yes) etc. Over the years we worked hard with him to raise his self esteem, which with that attitude was unsurprisingly low, found books that he might find interesting especially on tapes to listen to. We were very fortunate to have an excellent tutor for him once a week for a couple of years who found the bits that he had missed out as the school had just assumed he was of low ability.

Fast forward to a DS with straight A's at A level and studying at a top university. He was entirely state educated. I know this is really hard but try not to panic and show him all the very positive things about himself as he may be continually shown at school what he is not able to do.

There is a fundamental flaw in the National Curriculum right from the Foundation stage that a lot of teachers are not valuing the children's inter-personal skills, or their problem-solving skills, or motor skills as highly as they should.

The fact that my Ds (Reception also) has acutely developed spatial awareness when it comes to putting complicated Lego together from a 2D schematic ... not in the least bit relevant ... apparently

I am really shocked by all the posts on here. Surely teachers should allow for the fact that they are 4 and the youngest in their classes. If they were born just a few weeks later they wouldn't be starting school for a whole other year and no one would be expecting them to write etc, I think it is terrible, try not to worry, I really think this is just down to a bad teacher and not your little boy.

Stayfree - I hope you enjoy the book. I have found it gives me a small insight to the behaviour of boys... I had no brothers,close male cousins or male friends as a child and at times have found my son who is only 2 a wonderful little person but strange little person!

I'm to hear that you've chilled a bit and that you realise it's nothing that your doing wrong. It's strange how as parents we're always ready to blame ourselves even when we're doing the best we can.

You know your son better than anyone and see more of him overall. It doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about (am not a teacher but work with QT's and smal children).

I agree with others who've said this is probably an inexperienced young teacher who hasn't phrased things very well.

I had kind of the opposite problem with my DD last year as she is the oldest in her year and naturally pretty bright. However her reception teacher was very interested in working with children with special needs and basically left the more able ones in the class to it. She has since left to teach teenagers with very specialist requirements and tbh I think she'll be very good at it, but as a Reception teacher most of the parents thought she was not much cop.

Now DD is halfway through Year 1 and is on the school's 'special needs register', because she doesn't like asking for help and this is a crucial box that has to be ticked as far as Personal, Socail & Emotional Education is concerned.

There's always bloody something...

Honestly try not to worry, OP. I recently had the first positive parent's appointment ever for my son, and he's in Y6!! (to be fair, positive comments were always made, but it was clear there were issues from an early age). His year 5 teacher was the first to mention ADHD as a possibilty - I had thought of this myself, but his late August birthday had made lots of people believe it all to be about maturity. He's doing really, really well now, and I only wish we had got the diagnosis and treatment started a bit earlier.

It's even more horrible having parent's appointments when the teachers are your colleagues (and friends in some cases!!) I began sending his dad by himself for a while!