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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Would you expect a 4 year old to be able to understand why his friends all got 'good behaviour' awards and he didn't?

26 replies

ceebeegeebies · 01/03/2011 20:57

DS1 is in Reception and the school have a behaviour reward system where each term, the child will get a metal badge if they get a certain number of good behaviour marks through the term...the first term, they get bronze, the second term they get silver and the final term they get gold.

DS1 got his bronze badge last term but started this term off badly as he was very hyper after Christmas and took a little while to settle back at school - he had one giddy day when he got to 'red' due to a series of minor misdemeanours and then had to go and see the HT after biting one of his friends a few days later - other than that, his behaviour is good and the teacher commented that both days were totally out of character for him. He settled back down and we have had no problems since.

However, he didn't get his silver badge today when they were handed out (no idea why they are being handed out now and not at the end of term ) presumably because of these 2 incidents and he was obviously upset about it and it is hard to explain to him how those incidents were 2 months ago were the reason why - I just think it is too long ago for him to understand the consequences of his actions. He is a July baby so only 4.7.

I understand why he didn't get them and, as much as I understand, I did feel quite sad today when he told me that all his friends got their badges and he didn't - I can just picture his little face waiting for his name to be called out

I know it is not really important in the scheme of things but he is my baby

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cybilliberty · 01/03/2011 21:00

Just tell him it wasnt his turn this time

They cant all be winners!

Original poster

ceebeegeebies · 01/03/2011 21:02

I agree with you but I think it was because all his class would have got one (except maybe a couple of the persistent offenders) so it would have been quite isolating for him (or maybe I am totally over-reacting )

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SE13Mummy · 01/03/2011 21:53

Things like this will be hard for any child to learn but behaviour does have consequences and, somehow, schools have to help the children to learn this.

It would be unfair if his 'off days' had been overlooked because he's usually good, the message from school is that children who are consistently well-behaved get noticed and rewarded for it... it's often mentioned on MN and by children that the 'good' children never get rewarded whereas the more tricky children are showered with stickers/certificates/treats - your son's school has chosen a way to pay attention to positive behaviour and, because his behaviour wasn't positive (albeit a few weeks ago), he has missed out on the attention.

Perhaps you could show him, on a calendar how many weeks of being green/good/whatever the school used to decide who should get a badge. Then point out the days on which he was 'red'. Explain to him that the red behaviour is what stopped him from winning a badge.

Presumably, the very fact that he felt left out this time means that you can help support him, particularly after holidays, to remain 'green' by reminding him of the sought-after badge reward at the end of X weeks? Maybe he could mark green days off on a calendar himself so he feels actively responsible for his behaviour (and its consequences).

All in all, yes I would expect that, with visual support, most children of 4.5 should be able to grasp the concept of missing out on a reward.

DirtyMartini · 01/03/2011 21:59

Aw. Cannot advise, as mine are younger, but I absolutely know I would feel just the same if this happened to DS. So poignant what you said about imagining his little face while he waited.

Sending him masses of un-mn cuddles from me and my little boy. Hope he won't worry about it for long :)

MrsRhettButler · 01/03/2011 22:05

dd would have understood at that age

i know its hard for you both and you feel sad for him (naturally) but try and use it as a chance to help him understand about consequences :)

MrsRhettButler · 01/03/2011 22:06

fwiw i would have wanted to cry if it happened to dd

did everyone else get one then? is it a class full of angels?

princessparty · 01/03/2011 22:11

I would certainly have understood at 4, and i think any 4 year old unless they are extremely thick would understand that biting a friend is not 'good behaviour'

thisisyesterday · 01/03/2011 22:21

this is why i hate these kind of schemes

he is effectively being punished again for misdemeanors he probably doesn't even remember

i'm not surprised he was upset :(

paddyclamp · 01/03/2011 22:21

As it's nearly 6 weeks till Easter will he not get his chance in a few weeks when he has clocked up enough points?

mullymummy · 02/03/2011 08:41

Poor thing - these behaviour schemes are very unfair. Twice punished for doing something wrong - second time round worst than the first too!

Of course teachers need to help children understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour but I don't agree that reward schemes are the best way to do that. The trouble is that it's there and probably will stay so he just needs to understand that this time it's not his turn and remind him of all the great things he does.

Indelible · 02/03/2011 10:03

My 4-year-old wouldn't understand this. The "consequences" are too far removed in time from the behaviour.

Original poster

ceebeegeebies · 02/03/2011 11:25

SE13 thank you for your suggestions - they are very useful. I know it is a lesson he needs to learn but he does seem so young.

I do also agree that they do need to ensure that the consistently good children are rewarded as I can see how they are overlooked at times as the teachers focus on the ones that misbehave.

He is aware that biting his friend is totally wrong but it was completely out of character (he has never bitten before or since) and my view was that we dealt with it at the time with suitable consequences at home, he was devastated about having to go and see the HT etc etc. It seems wrong that he is effectively being punished again for the same 'crime' when all the parenting manuals advise to deal with issues at the time and then move on yet we are having to go back 2 months and talk about it all over again.

I don't think he was the only one not to get it (but I think the majority would have) as there are a couple of persistent offenders in the class but he will not talk to me about who did and didn't get one and I don't want to push it.

I don't really know enough about the scheme to talk him through it and whether he will get his silver badge at some point etc but it is parents evening in a couple of weeks so I will speak to the teachers then.

Thanks to everyone for your comments - I suspect I was more upset than he was

OP posts:

cory · 02/03/2011 11:28

It's the time scale that seems a bit problematic to me: ime rewards should be at much shorter intervals at such a young age.

Grabaspoon · 02/03/2011 11:31

he got to 'red' due to a series of minor misdemeanours and then had to go and see the HT after biting one of his friends a few days later.

I think that he is old enough to understand and possibly this is a good time to sit and discuss good behaviour at school and certificates and badges. Then discuss the bad behaviour and why this meant he didn't get a badge. Then discuss that he has 6 weeks until Easter and that he needs to consistantly behave so that he can be rewarded by the next badge.

I work with this age range and they are able to understand and deal with the consequences.

Original poster

ceebeegeebies · 02/03/2011 11:34

Grab I appreciate what you are saying and I am under no illusions that DS1 is an angel but he does know right from wrong 99% of the time. As I said, it was 1 mad week straight after Christmas where he just seemed to go loopy and he literally couldn't seem to control himself.

I am still a little upset that they are still punishing him twice though

OP posts:

crazygracieuk · 02/03/2011 11:59

I have a 4 year old (5 in August) and he remembers the only time that he was put on red which was at the end of November.

It is a harsh but necessary lesson to learn and he will feel twice as proud as the others of he gets the badge next time.

AbigailS · 02/03/2011 13:29

Poor thing! It's sad for him, and can be hard when he's so young. But hopefully he won't bite again - we see biting a a major issue, not a minor misdemeanour.
However look at it from the other child's point of view - they get bitten, but your child still gets a good behaviour award. They would more confused than your son is about not getting an award. It would defeat the whole object of the awards by giving the message that you can do something like biting and still get an award, so it's OK really.

EmmaBGoode · 02/03/2011 13:32

Oh no, that's heartbreaking . What a cruel system.

Original poster

ceebeegeebies · 02/03/2011 13:59

Abigail I don't think I referred to the biting as a 'minor dismeanour' - he had 1 day of minor misdemeanours which accumulated to putting him on 'red' for that day and then the biting happened about 4 days later and I totally agree that it was a major issue and it was dealt with as such at the time.

OP posts:

AbigailS · 02/03/2011 14:24

Sorry! I misunderstood.
But I stand by the issue that giving a good behaviour award to a child that has bitten gives the impression to some that biting doesn't matter.
We work hard at instilling that as it's a huge health risk for both the biter and the bitee.

PaisleyLeaf · 02/03/2011 14:26

I'm thinking he might still have that silver badge to come.
There's still plenty of term left and I think that because of that hitch before he will be further down the smiley/sticker chart than he would have been otherwise and than his friends.
But I expect he's still got his silver badge to work towards.
I hope so anyway.

thisisyesterday · 02/03/2011 14:30

that would be a fair point abigail if the biting had just happened.
but it was quite a long time ago now for a child to really comprehend isn't it

2 months ago he bit someone. he got taken to see the headteacher and this was backed up at home

he has behaved ever since

he now doesn't get his badge, even though he has been well behaved... and the reason for not getting it? cos he did something bad that was already punished at the time?

it's bloody ridiculous and I would use this as a chance to discuss it with the teacher and ask her why/how she thinks this kind of scheme works

AbigailS · 02/03/2011 14:36

Yes, it does seem too long for a young child.
But I do feel teachers can't win when it comes to rewards; last week there was a thread complaining that the good children didn't get rewarded, only the ones who behave badly. This thread seems to complain about exactly the opposite.
Maybe parents would be happier if schools didn't use a reward system, because there is always someone who sees it as unfair?

thisisyesterday · 02/03/2011 16:03

yep, that's one of the other reasons i dislike reward systems and i would be much happier if they were not used.

SeeJaneKick · 02/03/2011 16:37

I think it's unfair to lave the consequences for two months! That is more uited to a 7 year old

I think that he should hve hd o "earn" back some points...been told that he hdad done it within a uple weeks and then reminded of it when he go his badge.

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