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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Should I let my dd's teacher know that she was covering for a friend

46 replies

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 22:34

I am giving all the background info in one go so I am not accused of drip feeding.

My children have moved schools a fair bit because of my job. My dd has been at her primary school since January and is still in the process of making friends.

I was pleased when she asked to bring a friend home. The friend seemed very polite if quiet. We have had this girl to stay a few times and taken her out. Her mum has returned the offer a few times although there is a clear income difference so the offers have been fewer and of a different nature.

My dd has commented a few times that this girl is often away, late for school, never does her homework and does not work hard in class. However she likes her so they have remained friends and I have not interfered.

Today my dd came home very uset because she had been given a detention for not having her PE kit. She did have her PE kit but had lent it to her friend and worn the spare bits that were left over. She did not want to get her friend into trouble so she did the detention.

Having dug a little deeper this girl never has her PE kit and every week she has been using my dd's . A few weeks ago my dd claimed she had lost her plimsolls so we bought some new ones. Infact she had given her plimsolls to this girl as she did not have any.

I asked my dd why she kept lending her kit to this girl and she said at first that she just wanted to be a good friend. She said that her friend's mum had no money and that she often gave her dinner to her ( My dd comes home ravenous and has been taking huge dinners to school so she clearly is feeding both of them) and she wanted me to buy a second PE kit so the could both have a PE kit to wear but her friend would not know that we had bought on especially for her.

My dd then got upset and said that this girl had said to her that if my dd was a real friend she would carry on letting her use her PE kit.

My dd is also very upset that her teacher thinks she has done something wrong, she is a very studious well behaved child who adores her teacher.

AIBU to let the teacher know about this situation. Partly because I am worried about my dd but also I have some concerns about this girl.

My dd has asked me to say nothing.

Would it also seem odd if I anonymously bought some PE kits and other uniforms and donated them to the school so children who cannot afford kits can use them?

OP posts:

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DerangedSibyl · 18/02/2011 22:37

is this primary school?

a) child is clearly neglected. No lunch = neglect. End of.

b) what in god's name is the teacher doing, giving detentions for not having a pe kit? She is, in effect, telling a child off for having impoverished parents! the teacher sounds like a blinkered fuckwit not to have noticed there is a problem with your daughter's friend.

Teenybitsad · 18/02/2011 22:38

It's a form of bullying. I am nt saying they are NOT friends of a kind but it's an uneven and an unhealthy friendship.

Your DDs mate is not a good fried to let your DD get in trouble for her own problems.

It's not good enough....not god enough that the child is not being provided with the basics and why have the school not noticed?

What did he do before your DD arrived?

Make an appointment wih the eacher asap....your child is not responsible for the girl and neither are you.

varyingdegreesofdeafness · 18/02/2011 22:38

I would definately discus this with the teacher, firstly to clear your daughters name (npt the best way of putting it, sorry, don't falme!) but also to highlight an area of concern with the other girl's home life

thirdly, there is the potential for bullying, the unspoken threat that could arise from the 'if you were my friend you'd...' sort if thing...

it does sound like your dd is trying so hard to help, bless her

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2011 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Teenybitsad · 18/02/2011 22:39

Soryy for typos! Sticky keys!

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2011 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piprabbit · 18/02/2011 22:41

Talk to the teacher asap. This relationship is not healthy for your daughter - she is learning to put her own needs behind those of her friend, to lie to you and the teacher and to feel responsible for her friend's problems.

Your DD is obviously a kind child - but really it's not doing her any good.

BristolJim · 18/02/2011 22:41

Wow, tricky one. I think you need to make a judgement as to whether this other girl is a good friend, or is just using your daughter. It'll be tricky because there may be a degree of overlap in her mind.

I wouldn't however break your promise to your child about not going to the teacher easily, or she may not come to you with future problems.

DerangedSibyl · 18/02/2011 22:42

SOMEONE in that school should have noticed a child with no lunch. Someone who isn't another child.

Clary · 18/02/2011 22:42

DT for no PE kit is not unusual at the school I work in - but it is a secondary school.

TBH I am really rather shocked at a primary school having DTs for anything - let alone no PE kit. Agree if the teacher hasn't noticed the problem over the last 6 weeks or presumably before then that's not great.

I would say something to the teacher. It seems to be quite an issue and frankly one that should be sorted out - but not really by yr DD, lovely tho she sounds. But I would let yr DD know what you are going to do and why.

BristolJim · 18/02/2011 22:44

I am surprised at how many people are advocating breaking a promise you made to your child? Do people do this regularly? I wouldn't dream of it except in the most extreme case.

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 22:46

The school may be aware of a problem with this child, I imagine they are as this childn has moved to and from the area a few times.

I suspect my dd has been given a DT because they know she has a PE kit. It may be that she has also not had a full PE kit before because she has been lending it to the other girl and my dd has not wanted to tell me. or perhaps my dd is in trouble for lying to the teacher. I get the impression she wore her tracksuit because the other girl was in my dd's PE kit. So maybe my dd lied and said she had a PE t shirt underneath.

I am quite proud of my dd , she is trying very hard to be nice to this girl. However I she is no saint. It is hard being the new girl and I suspect my dd really wants this friendship to work.

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Clary · 18/02/2011 22:46

Where does the OP say she has promised to say nothing bristoljim?
As I read it dd has just asked her to.

DerangedSibyl · 18/02/2011 22:47

Er, BristolJim - child at risk, probably already neglected (no lunch is neglect)

Should we keep a child's secret in these circumstances?

No. Not unless we're idiots.

Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 22:47

I have not promised not to tell the teacher. My dd asked me not to say anything and I said I would have to think about it. I took the angle that I was worried about her friend and maybe it was not a good idea to keep this a secret

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PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2011 22:48

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 22:49

To be clear this girl joined the school just after my dd. However she has started and left the school a number of times. In all the time she has been at the school she has borrowed a PE kit of my dd. Her attendance is quite poor so she probably has also not been there for every PE lesson.

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Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 22:50

Clary I was surprised at a DT being given for no kit. I teach secondary and it would be normal practice there but not a primary. I am wondering if there is more to this than my dd is telling me.

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Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 22:54

Dernaged Dh has just said to me that this girl is one free school meals. So she is either eating her meal and then my dds because she is so hungry. Or she is turning down the meals in favour of my dd's. She has eaten here a few times and is quite a fussy eater. However I have also noticed that when at ours she eats very little and is quite nervous around food. But that may be because my children eat anything and with great ghusto.

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manicbmc · 18/02/2011 22:54

I find it strange that no one at school has picked up on this.

Your dd sounds like a lovely caring girl but it shouldn't be for her to worry. Talk to the teacher about your concerns.

manicbmc · 18/02/2011 22:56

We have kids at school who stay a few months then move onto another primary - then they come back a year later. We've also had kids leave so the parents can try and avoid social services (things I could tell you would make your heart bleed).

Fizzylemonade · 18/02/2011 22:57

I think you need to phrase it to your daughter that you cannot "help" her friend unless you inform the school.

I work in a school on a voluntary basis and we are taught that you can never promise to keep anything secret (safeguarding children)

School possibly already know about the child, however, every piece of information is a piece of a jigsaw, the more pieces, the more complete the jigsaw and then something can be done if the child is being neglected.

Somtimes the right thing to do is often the hardest ie your daughter being upset about you talking to the teacher.

Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 23:00

As a teacher who is in charge of pastoral care in my own school I can imagine manic. I also had the same alarm bells ringing in my head when I knew she had moved about a lot - and a few other things. But DH says that because of my job I sometimes over read a situation.

It may be that the school are aware of the general concerns but not the PE kit bit as my dd has been providing the kit. I suppose if she sits at lunch with her own food and then tucks into my dds as well they may not notice.

I suspect that the school know something is not right just from her attendance and punctuality tbh.

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Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 23:01

Fizzy that is how I phrased it with my dd. I obviously did not use the words neglect or abuse but did say that we would not be doing her friend any favours by keeping this a secret.

OP posts:

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