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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Should I let my dd's teacher know that she was covering for a friend

46 replies

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 22:34

I am giving all the background info in one go so I am not accused of drip feeding.

My children have moved schools a fair bit because of my job. My dd has been at her primary school since January and is still in the process of making friends.

I was pleased when she asked to bring a friend home. The friend seemed very polite if quiet. We have had this girl to stay a few times and taken her out. Her mum has returned the offer a few times although there is a clear income difference so the offers have been fewer and of a different nature.

My dd has commented a few times that this girl is often away, late for school, never does her homework and does not work hard in class. However she likes her so they have remained friends and I have not interfered.

Today my dd came home very uset because she had been given a detention for not having her PE kit. She did have her PE kit but had lent it to her friend and worn the spare bits that were left over. She did not want to get her friend into trouble so she did the detention.

Having dug a little deeper this girl never has her PE kit and every week she has been using my dd's . A few weeks ago my dd claimed she had lost her plimsolls so we bought some new ones. Infact she had given her plimsolls to this girl as she did not have any.

I asked my dd why she kept lending her kit to this girl and she said at first that she just wanted to be a good friend. She said that her friend's mum had no money and that she often gave her dinner to her ( My dd comes home ravenous and has been taking huge dinners to school so she clearly is feeding both of them) and she wanted me to buy a second PE kit so the could both have a PE kit to wear but her friend would not know that we had bought on especially for her.

My dd then got upset and said that this girl had said to her that if my dd was a real friend she would carry on letting her use her PE kit.

My dd is also very upset that her teacher thinks she has done something wrong, she is a very studious well behaved child who adores her teacher.

AIBU to let the teacher know about this situation. Partly because I am worried about my dd but also I have some concerns about this girl.

My dd has asked me to say nothing.

Would it also seem odd if I anonymously bought some PE kits and other uniforms and donated them to the school so children who cannot afford kits can use them?

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autodidact · 18/02/2011 23:05

How old is your daughter and her friend, jen? I think I would have a word with the teacher to see if there's anything that can be done about providing lunch for your daughter's friend. Could she be entitled to free school dinners? I think many schools would try and sort that for her in these circumstances.

Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 23:07

According to my DH she gets free school meals. So either the free school meal is not enough or she does not like them.

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NonnoMum · 18/02/2011 23:07

Inform the school.

autodidact · 18/02/2011 23:07

sorry, x posts re free school meals

Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 23:07

They are both 9

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autodidact · 18/02/2011 23:08

Detention at 9 for no PE kit sounds v harsh, imo.:(

Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 23:10

It is a strict school with potentially a difficult intake. I teach the same students at secondary level and some of them are chaotic and disorganised. Perhaps they are being tough to try and encourage them to be organised. Or perhaps there is more to this than dd is letting on.

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manicbmc · 18/02/2011 23:12

We have a stockpile of various shorts and tops for children who forget PE kit. If it happens a lot I think a letter gets sent to the parent to remind them of when PE is. But the kids don't get punished.

Original poster

jenandberry · 18/02/2011 23:15

We have spare kit but there are sanctions for the children who forget their kit. But this is secondary.

The more I think about this the more I think there is more to this than dd is letting on.

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riomoonlight · 18/02/2011 23:31

I've was once this girl with no pe kit, holey school uniform (because its 3rd hand!), and to embarrassed to ask for freeschool meals.It doesn't mean she neglected it just means she's poor. If you go to a school with lots of other poor kids you don't standout. If you go to school with not many other poor kids it's a lonely and humilating experience. (adults look at you with so much pity.)
Explain the situation to the pe teacher and donate pe kit anonymously.
As for the 'good friends' thing, they are children. It's a long journey, learning how to be a good friend and your dd seem like shes well on the way.

FingandJeffing · 18/02/2011 23:41

Tricky, you need to ask your DD if she feels that this girl is a real friend or if some of her behaviour makes her feel unhappy. It would be understandable for your DD to put up with a bit more aggro than she might otherwise as it's hard to join mid year at 9.

Original poster

jenandberry · 19/02/2011 09:57

She gets the free school meals, DH pointed out that my dd had asked to go on school dinners so that she could be in the same dinner queue together. At present dd goes in and saves a seat for her friend. DD said today that her friend simply does not like the school meals so she shares her packed lunch with her. That makes more sense to be honest than the child not eating. As I said before this girl eats at our house most weeks and is very picky with her food. If she was starving she would wolf it down. Instead she pushes it around the plate and asks for a sandwich instead.

So if it is just the PE kit situoation shall I just donate one and have a quiet word?

FingandJeffing I have some reservations about the friendship,partly because this girl's attendance is so poor. I have no problem with her being dd's friend but she needs to make other friends as well.

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Original poster

jenandberry · 19/02/2011 09:59

It is quite a mixed social intake, rural poverty exists. So the girl would not overly stand out. However I think the Mum feels conscious of the difference between our families because my dd is never allowed to play at their house - they always go somewhere.

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DerangedSibyl · 19/02/2011 11:42

If she gets school dinners than I'd retract my 'neglect' comment, as her mother has clearly sorted her a meal out.

The idea of donating a PE kit is a very kind one if you can afford it. But do talk to the teacher and explain what has happened as your poor daughter has been harshly punished for a kind act.

i think punishing nine year olds for not having something is abhorrant anyway.

LIZS · 19/02/2011 11:51

Label dd's kit visibly , on the outside, so that there can be no confusion. Sorry to soudn harsh but if the girl is on school meals she may also qualify for other beneifts such as uniform allowance, or the school could supply the branded bits but that is for the school to resolve not for you or dd to get involved in.

Original poster

jenandberry · 19/02/2011 11:54

I can't label her kit on the outsidr visibly as that will make dd stand out and I don't think she wants to draw attention to herself or the issue.

I think in the current climate where schools are having their budgets cut to the bone there is no harm in parents on higher incomes helping out.

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Original poster

jenandberry · 19/02/2011 11:55

If my dd was forgetting things all the time I would have no issue with a punishment tbh. I am quite strict though and my dd is more than able to organise herself.

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LIZS · 19/02/2011 12:01

No harm in donating but I doubt that will solve the issues for your dd.

Original poster

jenandberry · 19/02/2011 12:15

I do think my dd has been over reliant on this friendship which is never a good thing as girls of this age can be very fickle.

The immediate issue for my daughter is that she is worried about the next PE lesson as she does not want to let her friend down and she does not want to get into trouble.

The mother of the child knows we have moved around a bit and the girl is smaller than my dd so I may buy a new complete kit and say it used to belong to dd at an old school and hand it over.

I have a feeling this may be an issue with other children so will anonymously donate some bits of uniform and kits.

I will mention it to the teacher though as I have a feeling there are other concerns about this girl.

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SE13Mummy · 19/02/2011 12:51

Over the years I've been a teacher I've bought PE kits for children in my class who don't have them. I also make it known throughout my family and friends that spare PE/school uniform items can always be sent in my direction and have used these to make up a kit for a child whose parents are unable to, for whatever reason, and also lend them out on the first occasion that a child doesn't bring their kit to school.

On this occasion I think I'd be inclined to send your DD in with two kits - one for her (with her name in it) and a second/older one in which you have written the name of her friend. At the same time, let your DD know that you are pleased she is being such a good friend to the other girl but that as a teacher yourself you have a duty to report concerns about children and so will have a word with the teacher/CPO so that your DD isn't the only person in the school who is trying to help and support her friend.

I don't know if the class have any trips planned but children who receive FSM are entitled to a free packed lunch for school trips and some schools/social services are able to fund places at breakfast club for children who would otherwise not eat from one FSM to the next. Your DD needs to eat what you provide for her so maybe it would be easier if your DD did change to school dinners - it would be one less opportunity for her to be pressured into giving something up. On the other hand, it may be hard for your DD if the friend allies herself with one of the other sandwich-eaters .

You need to talk to someone at the school so that this 9-year-old can be supported by the adults as well as by your DD.

Original poster

jenandberry · 19/02/2011 13:03

I suspect most teachers have done that SE13, it is part of the job now. This teacher is quite new so maybe she has not realised. Over the years you get an eye for things.

I think that is very good advice. Changing to school meals is a good idea. I think quite a few children have school meals so hopefully it would not be a problem as she makes new friends. We could always put her back on packed lunches.

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