Why does everyone want to judge my choice of school???

[Betsy8]

My children are both in Independent education for very good reasons. It is tough on us financially but we are coping. Why do some people at state school have to be so judgemental about this? I have never commented on someone else's education choice for their kids. My husband's family always make comments about it, with my sister-in-law smugly telling us how her kids walked the grammar entrance from a state primary - She is a teacher and spent a fortune on tuition! Another friend, from a very, very middle class, predominantly white village announced smugly that she wanted her daughter to see 'all walks of life'!! My daughter, who was miserable, now smiles at the beginning and end of every day. That is worth the one car, the holiday every other year, and minimal shoe closet that I have, and the other sacrifices that we make. Why can't state school parents accept this? What really annoys me is that my husband spends so much on tax each year, he is actually donating two places at our offsted rated primary school to another child!!! My kids are not spoilt. They have to work hard for their pocket money, they both have to help out around the house with everyday chores and my daughter, now 9 is learning to cook meals for all of us. This surely flies in the face of my friend's recent comment "private school kids do not know how the real world works". It is as though once you decide to pay for a good education you become a moral punchbag and your feelings do not count any more. Does anyone out there have experience of this and if so, do you have any good, polite retorts that I can use as I am running out of patience now...

Wondering what happened to the OP...

anwyay, you lost me at the 'sacrifice' line. I thought you were listing your privileges - lots of people can't afford one car or a holiday at all.

Shoe closet? Really?

the bit about your husband's wage and the colossal amount of tax he pays is also a bit galling.

Is this actually a genuine situation?

Norman, I merely wondered if the areas that you mention are for aspiring to because of the associated profile or cachet? Would anyone want their child to look toward an art gallery (or any other area) where an accent was a significant qualification for the job?

If your child wants to become a banker, lawyer, accountant etc and works hard then s/he can attain this and the city is not the only place for success. Having said that, I had a number of colleagues in the city who were not privately educated, nor was I.

It is no bad thing that your children will have to work hard to achieve much - it won't hurt them and may even make them stronger. I grew up in a culture where it was a given that only hard workers would achieve.

The next time anyone criticises you for being firm with your children about homework, setting schedules or even less play perhaps - ignore them.

I do appreciate all of the comments, especially those who pointed out that I sound like a pompous idiot - you are right, I do and for that I apologise. I am aware that our taxes are not assigned to our own individual needs, of course, but ironically it was a state school parent who actually told me that it costs approx. £9,000 per year to educate a child in the state sector and that I am 'a mug' for paying it over again'!! Out of context I clearly looked like a pompous witch. Before you judge me too harshly, please try and remember that we were in a state school for a while, so we are very well aware of the wonderful mixed walks of life that make schools like that a great experience for many families. I would love to still be in the state school in our village, the one that was walking distance from our house instead of driving nearly an hour every day, the one where my kids had local friends, but my daughter was punched and slapped and pushed to the ground. She was 7!! She stopped talking, started vomiting and refused to look us in the eye. I was threatened by the parents. The school did nothing, and no other state school would take us because their lists were full. I was at a complete loss. I don't think I have ever got over what happened to her as I had no-one to talk to at the time. I have spent the last few months trying to get the courage to come back on here but also wishing that I had known it about this forum during the dark times. Like most women out there I am complex, complicated, a bit scatty but I hope you all accept my apology for coming across as flippant and arrogant. I'm really not.

hey adelaofblois! My post was also about narrow minded blinkered women who refuse to look behind the pages for the real story and jump to conclusions that hurt other people's feelings - ring a bell?? ding a ling...

Ingridberman! I was taking the rise out of the women who do actually have the nerve to condescend to me about paying for my kid's education and yet have 4 expensive holidays a year themselves and think nothing of spending more on a pair of shoes than I would on a holiday itself!!! If you think a tent in Bognor is crazy and lavish then so be it. As for my husband's tax contribution being galling, your damn right it is. He pays, like a lot of people do in this country, a lot of tax. But guess what, he works really really hard and is a very nice man. He also donates a lot to charity and I donate my time to one important charity - we are not just takers. Sorry if that corrupts your image of us as greedy little shoe collectors! And Gmajor, sorry you find me irritating but you know nothing about me or my financial situation. I don't have a shoe closet or holidays, this is the whole point? You all seem to presume that I am off to the caribbean in £500 shoes, the whole point is that I AM NOT! The crux of the post was that it is hypocritical to judge one person for how they spend their money and not expect any judgement back. I am horrified at how people jump down your throat when you talk about private education and this forum response has confirmed exactly what I thought before I posted - some women are just not nice to other women. And for the record, regarding the state school situation, there is a five year waiting list for that school so yes, like it or not, we did free up a place for someone who is 'waiting' to go there. If that sounds patronising to some people then they clearly need to address their own baggage. Oh, and Jajas - really, that's your input. I am a cliche? Look back on the response to my post and see how many cliches you can spot too, it's fun, really!!

Betsy8 - you should have stopped at your first post on 20 June. If you don't like people who comment about your imaginary shoe closet and holidays, then don't repeat the mistake yourself on a public forum or you sound exactly like the people you are criticising - and therefore are justifiably criticised for it yourself.

A FIVE YEAR WAITING LIST FOR A STATE PRIMARY SCHOOL!!!!

WHERE 7 YEAR OLD GIRLS ARE PUNCHED, SLAPPED AND PUSHED TO THE GROUND!!!!

Which one? Do say!

For the last time I don't have a shoe closet that is the whole point! Ditto the holiday situation. If you re-read it carefully you might see that. I am talking about women in my own circle who are supposed to be friends. I have no idea what mistake exactly I am repeating, or is it that I read all the way back to the first comments and realised that there were some pretty harsh retorts, or that perhaps my first message had been misunderstood. I deserve the right to put that straight. It is hard to come across exactly as you intend on the first attempt with people you don't know, rabbitstew. Why should i have stopped at my post on 20th June? Is it because I was apologising to everyone when in actual fact some of those responses have now been removed by mumsnet who agreed they were, and I quote "troll hunting" and "malicious personal attacks". I am only 'justifiably criticised' in your eyes. I will stand up for myself if I think it is just. I am not going to just lie back and take a load of 'troll hunting' because it might suit you or others who seem to want your pound of flesh. Women on these sites need to sit back, adjust their moral compass to other people's worlds and then consider their responses. We can all sit in our ivory towers saying 'she is not like me or she does or does not have what I do therefore she can't have feelings about it like I do'. My original post was nothing to do with having 'stuff' it was to do with how badly women treat each other. I can honestly say this forum isn't helping the cause!

It was five years for those outside of the village when we moved here. It is not helped by the fact that the governors have all now changed and I have lost any means of communication that I once had. My daughter was pushed to the ground so hard during play time and then sat on with her face down that she still had the gravel marks in her face when she came home. She was slapped twice round the face in a corridor by the same child and we were told 'we can only do something if we see it'. The punch was the last straw. I have since discovered that the child in question was expelled from her last school for bullying. I sympathise that she may now be coming to the end of the line with her options which is possibly why they didn't act, I don't know. I am too scared of the parents to ask again so no if its okay I don't think I will reveal the school!

oh everlong that made me laugh! I do seem to have bounced back with a spring in my step - perhaps I will curl up back in my box again :-))

Echoing Fairley's question, this is the primary school with the 5 year waiting list?

Fuck me, where is it? Beirut?

Betsy8 - quoting from your original post: "That is worth the one car, the holiday every other year, and minimal shoe closet that I have, and the other sacrifices that we make. Why can't state school parents accept this? " This was not an obvious reference to specific friends of yours who have enormous shoe closets and several cars, it was an apparent reference to all state school parents and therefore an apparent gross assumption as to the sorts of things other people might spend their money on (or maybe the sort of thing you used to spend your money on before you had to opt into the private sector??). It was also grossly offensive to state school parents who wouldn't consider having one car, a holiday every other year and a minimal shoe closet to be any sort of sacrifice, but rather a dream come true. You therefore come across as rather stuck in your own self-righteous little bubble and maybe need to get out more and find a wider circle of friends, who admire your luck for being able to afford a car and a private education, rather than behaving just like these so-called current friends who, I agree with you, have treated you badly and are extremely irritating in their comments.

You were, in your circumstances, right to do what you did - your daughter's happiness is more important than anything. But don't expect sympathy if you are going to make grossly general and rather offensive comments about others, particularly when this is what you are complaining about others doing to you.

oh rabbitstew shall we agree to disagree. I am quite exhausted now. As you know I only come out every three months. But hey it's the first official day of summer something to smile about... See you in November!

lovecheese. What answer shall I give that will not bite me later on? Yes it is in Beirut. Actually I feel like I am right now. On this note I am off to put the kettle on and snuffle out some cake. Nothing personal lovecheese, I am sure with such a great name you are a nice person, nothing bad ever came of cheese :-)

...and relax.