Why does everyone want to judge my choice of school???

[Betsy8]

My children are both in Independent education for very good reasons. It is tough on us financially but we are coping. Why do some people at state school have to be so judgemental about this? I have never commented on someone else's education choice for their kids. My husband's family always make comments about it, with my sister-in-law smugly telling us how her kids walked the grammar entrance from a state primary - She is a teacher and spent a fortune on tuition! Another friend, from a very, very middle class, predominantly white village announced smugly that she wanted her daughter to see 'all walks of life'!! My daughter, who was miserable, now smiles at the beginning and end of every day. That is worth the one car, the holiday every other year, and minimal shoe closet that I have, and the other sacrifices that we make. Why can't state school parents accept this? What really annoys me is that my husband spends so much on tax each year, he is actually donating two places at our offsted rated primary school to another child!!! My kids are not spoilt. They have to work hard for their pocket money, they both have to help out around the house with everyday chores and my daughter, now 9 is learning to cook meals for all of us. This surely flies in the face of my friend's recent comment "private school kids do not know how the real world works". It is as though once you decide to pay for a good education you become a moral punchbag and your feelings do not count any more. Does anyone out there have experience of this and if so, do you have any good, polite retorts that I can use as I am running out of patience now...

Betsey lots of my friends send their children to private schools. For them it is a no-brainer. They will work hard to earn the extra money. But I find in reverse, a kind of pitying disbelief that I am prepared to put up with the state system, as if I have morally failed by not making the effort to privately educate and make my children "happier" and give them "opportunities". So I think everyone finds their children's education a stressful topic, and that's probably why you are having problems.

I do send both my DD's to prep school and I have encountered so much judgement and prejudice that I keep it secret from my work colleagues. I find it annoying though that it is fine to spend your money on great holidays and change cars quite often while sending your kids to state school but if I decide to spend my hard earned cash on my children's education instead it becomes somehow a political statement. Pleaseee!!

Oh, honestly. Do what you want with your children - I find it hard to believe friends and family would be that condemning of your choices that they would stop liking you as a result. If you genuinely think they are wrong and you have no doubts that you have done what is right for your family and your children's happiness, this shouldn't get to you. They just don't understand your motivations, any more, clearly, than you understand theirs. It's not as if you've explained your motivations very well, anyway, which may be part of the problem...

Just ignore other parents and family - they are probably just jealous. Why should people judge you for spending money on education but it's ok for people to splash their cash on cars, designer clothes and expensive holidays? It's your money and you should spend it in the way you wish. My dh works in a private school and my friends make comments but I've given up caring. For what it's worth I find that the state school parents who want their children 'to mix' end up mixing with people just like themselves. And not all private schools are full of white kids and not all state schools are socially diverse! And what's the difference in spending money on private and spending money to move to a desirable school catchment area. It's all so hypocritical! Also there are parents who sacrifice a lot to send their kid private... nothing is clear cut.

You will always get people who make judgements whatever the school. If you are secure in your choice just ignore them completely. They are insecure in their choices or they wouldn't discuss it.
No one who is truly happy with their choice cares less what others think or feels the least need to justify themselves.

My kids are not spoilt. They have to work hard for their pocket money, they both have to help out around the house with everyday chores and my daughter, now 9 is learning to cook meals for all of us.

I'm still trying to get my head round this - where on earth am I going wrong?

I agree with exoticfruits - to question others' choices is to be questioning your own at the same time. Personally, I don't think it's unhealthy to pose these questions - better this than to do something unquestioningly. Better also not to get defensive and make silly comments back about other people probably spending their money on flash cars and designer clothes, instead, because not everyone who chooses not to educate their children privately thinks that flash cars, designer clothes and expensive holidays are a desirable alternative.

yes
no
banana

Ha ha rabbitstew - have I hit a nerve??? Just making the point that everyone makes choices about how to spend their money that's all!! Yes state school parents are very saintly when it comes to money!

No, not hit a nerve. I don't own any designer clothes, don't drive a posh car and don't have expensive holidays. I also don't promise never to educate my children privately. And I don't claim that state school parents are saintly with their money. I do question people who condemn all state education as flawed and inadequate.

Or who assume that the only state schools that aren't flawed and inadequate are the ones in expensive catchment areas.

Betsy - obviously your comment on your DH's tax hasn't gone down well - we all pay tax you know. Besides that though I know how you feel, but just ignore. You don't have to justify your choices to anyone.

But I do agree with you, magdalene, that everyone makes choices about how to spend their money and nobody that I've ever met is genuinely holier than thou.

Hi rabbitstew
I don't think all state education is flawed. I think the allocation system is flawed because if you have a desirable postcode, you get a 'desirable' school which is why I seriously wonder what parents are saying when they talk about their children 'mixing'! The system is full of inequalities and that's what I am against. Obviously the private sector is elitist and only favours the well off( so this isn't great either). But when you have children, you have to swallow your principles and just try and do the best for your child. That's what all parents are doing. I also think that private school isn't for every child either. I think very academic children do well in the private sector but then again not all private schools are highly selective. It is a very complex argument and you just have to judge schools individually rather than whether they are state or private. I just think there are many misconceptions about both state and private education. There are bad private schools as well as bad state schools.

Am I the only one wondering if this post is a wind up?

Make a few controversial remarks and then leave everyone to argue it out?

Noticed how Op hasn't re-appeared?

DD goes to a state primary school. It is such a good school that the only "judgemental" thought that I would have is why would anyone waste their money on private primary education?

Quite a few children at DD's school go on to private education, but their parents see no need to pay for it at primary level becasue we are so fortunate to have such a good state school. DD sat an entrance exam to a very good independent school and walked it without extra tuition.

I guess that maybe some people feel that there is implied criticism about their choice of state primary school because you have chosen not to send your children there.

sure enough, this is the only posting a 'betsy8' has ever made.

I say...stop bothering with it

Most people don't judge. To be honest most people don't give a shit. totally agree pagwatch

I was going to post my own experience and opinion but tbh, I can't be bothered.

But Betsy8 has said that people have judged her including family. The parents in my school do actually care about that kind of thing because we live in a very lefty liberal area.

People can be very judgmental. Questioning I don't mind: it's how I help inform my own opinion, by finding out others' opinions and questioning them on the reasoning behind them. I can usually see and sympathise with the argument on both sides. Which side you then opt for yourself is not a matter of absolute right or wrong, just a personal weighing up of the pros and cons. But then, that's how I view politics in general - I know what my heart says, but understand that there is no perfect solution to be found in any political argument.

I agree rabbitstew - it's a very grey area. It reminds me of the breastfeeding debate as well - that can also get quite 'heated' and mums can be judgemental about that one too!

It is like any topic on parenting, insecure people judge others because they need to be 'proved right'. Those quite secure in their own choice couldn't care less what others do.

OH God yeah - I feel your pain.

My DC attend an independat boarding prep school.

When people "discover" this fact I seem to become a public verbal punch bag.

I am a sick evil bitch according to alot of people for "FORCING" my DC into boarding school and "SENDING" them away. I am all of this ontop of being a "STUCK UP SNOB" and partaking in the promotion of an unfair education system.

I am 100% happy with our decision for us. Boarding was never on the cards or planned but happend because of our life circumstances. The school of our choice was chosen on the basis that I felt it was where our DC would be happiest, fit in best and receive the very best in pastoral care - in my absence. But no seeming complete strangers seem to think we chose the school to be "A CUT ABOVE". Its not on most peoples radar that there even are State boardings schools (which we considerd) but we are just judged plain and simple.

Like you I dont judge others by their choices for their DC so have been somewhat shocked by the "furore" our choices have created.

Its the people who dont really know me but think they have the right to tell me what they think that really fuck me off big time.

OH and we are skint. We dont pay the school fees. Our employers do. We have to pay for all the extras that go with their scool and that wipes us out. Last summer was our 1st holiday in 4 years - camping at £16 per night for 5 days in Cornwall - just a field and a tap (lovely though to get away). But seemingly we are accused of being "Rich Snobs with more money than sense".

Oh and what I find is hilarious is the people that have so openly slagged us off for our choices - with our lifestyle of frequent house moves to comply with our careers - then get their knickers in the absolute biggest twist ever when their little darlings are faced with moving house just ONCE in their whole DCs childhood and how they go into absolute meltdown about how emotionally damaged their poor little darlings will be with the house move, change of school, not getting into the school of choice at their new address - stuff we face every 2 years.

Yes - I despise the way I/we are judged but also enjoy sniggering at the ignorance of the people that do so.

I dont judge anyone else on their choices they make of educating their DC but it seems the minute you opt for independent schooling some people take it as a personal slap across their face and is if you are saying "the shit school your DC goes to is soo below my precious little darling" - which is absolute bollocks - but hey ignorance is bliss.

Funniest thing I heard lately was one particuarly verbal mum (on our current school choice) got quite arsey with me when I said i was considering our local comp for one of my DC especially if we opt to settle where we currently are - apparently "it would be unfair of us of steal a place from another local child" when we have another option - the other option according to this same lady in the past as being a "an evil choice just because we want to try and pretend we are something we are not".

Fuck Off is all I have to say to them all. I will do what I think is best for my kids in our cirsumstances and I dont give a shit what choices anyone else makes for their DC.

Rant over.