I am seeing the deputy head about my child being bullies today. What do I say, how do I handle it?

[ImFab]

I want to say that if my child is hit/hurt/has his things broken again I am going to the police but clearly can't say that so what do I say?

why can't you say that? phrased nicely, of course.

i suppose i'd check their bullying policy and see if they were fulfilling it - if not, point out every way the school are failing to protect your ds

find out how they intend to deal with the problem

how long has it been going on?

Far too long.

School deny it as it isn't logged in the accident book.

He has stopped telling the dinner ladies at play time as they don't tell anyone and tell my son to stay away from the bullies. They are not told anything.

It isn't just my son that is being picked on.

I got him to write a list of who has done it and what they have done and it is heartbreaking.

How old is your child?

Questions:

1. Does the school have an anti-bullting strategy - can you see it?

1. Are they implementing it?

1. Is it one child hurting your son or many? If many, why - what is it about your son that they target (I ask this as the parent of a child who has been in this position)?

1. I have found that most parents don't believe that their child would ever bully another. Depending on the parents, you could consider asking the school to contact them to assist in dealing with the problem.

I would follow up meeting with an email, also keep further correspondence in email form so you have it written what's been said.

This is important.
Police are unlikely to help, sorry - but look at anti bullying websites and they will have checklists of what to do for parents.

Good luck. Start ringing round local schools for places, too.

He is 9.

1. They do and I have read it and just printed it off, unfortunately the ink has almost run out so it makes for hard reading.

2.They are not.

1. Lots of children doing it.

1. Some of the parents won't believe it and are not people I want to approach tbh. I think the school should deal with it.

DH wants to be there but without an appointment time or a car I don't know when I will be seeing the D. Head or if he can get back in time.

Make a list of all the points you want to make and anycquestiobs you want to ask. This should stop you getting out and thinking "I meant to say ......". Write down the names of the people in the meeting. If you font know who they are then ask. As far as possible try not to get emotional but stay factual. If they don't answer your question then keep asking it.

If its lots of children, does your child need any help with the social side of school? My son was bullied for being "wierd" and a bit akward in his interations with others - I pushed the school to help him as well as dealing with the bullying problem. Another factor which made ds appealing was that they could make him cry - we spoke a lot about the need to ensure that they did not see what they did made him cry and gave him other responses to deal with them eg "that was mindless and stupid".

If there is a culture of bullying in your son's class, which it seems there might be, then it should be tackled on a class wide basis.

The teacher should speak to the whole class about it on more than one occasion - how horrible it is and what they can do to ensure that no one is bullied.

I did not want my son singled out, so the head spoke to all of the boys in his class on a weekly basis for several months to ask them all how they felt and what issues they had. It helped.

How do they monitor the playground? My experience was that it was dinner ladies who always just told them to "play nicely". We agreed that ds could go inside and find a teacher if it happened and that the teachers would be briefed about the situation. That helped a bit too.

Good luck.

Take someone with you

I had a quick chat with his teacher this morning and hen I said I had had to buy a 3rd ruler after it had been broken by another child he said I know. Nothing said to me. I asked the DHead if he had got my message. I have to wait until he has checked his diary to see when he is free as there are other issues (school not my child) and he has to speak to the head. He didn't want the list of the children and what they have done. Maybe the other issues comment was about it not being all about my child.

My child never retaliates except to say off the wall things to confuse them. He kicked back once. I feel so sad and upset with it all and furious with the school. It feels that as the head has called me highly strung they don't take me seriously.

DH will come with me.

Well some parents are highly string but that shouldn't come into it. Others are very rough and tough, but that shouldn't come into it either.

You did well. It sounds like the Dhead is already aware there's a problem and yes maybe he means he needs to sort out the problem wholesale and get some things in place so he can talk to you properly and give you an idea what they plan to do.

He sounds like he is taking it seriously from what you say...I'm pleased about that.

Perhaps these other kids are regarded as a wider problem anyway. Keep on at them, it's the best way to get stuff done.

I managed to get the response I wanted finally by persisting and persisting. You will sort it out even if it means he has to move schools. Just be like a broken record.

She said that after I cried when a parent laid in to me after I had asked her child not to stand on my child's feet having already picked on him for weeks and also dropped her knickers in front of him (while aged 6/7).

He is such an easy target as he is quiet, won't retaliate, doesn't have the latest gadget or phone and I see him off every day.

I am seeing him tonight now with my husband.

Hope everything goes ok i have been through a similar experience with my DS

It is horrible, isn't it?

So glad DH is going with you. Take some notes (i.e. you may feel a bit hit for six over some of what gets said, and may need to read it back later. It will be good for the head to see you writing stuff down. Shows you're taking it seriously.)

Have some questions ready about culpability; what strategies are the dinner ladies using to teach children to make and keep friends; how are these things being tackled in pshe; what is the school doing about raising the children's self esteem, etc.

Also, I'm guessing you've talked to DS at length about all this. It's good he's written it all down. (Sounds heart rending for you.) How would he like it dealt with? A question like this hands at least some of the power back to him.

Have some things he does outside school where he can develop different friendships, so that what happens socially at school doesn't rule his life quite so much.

It is horrible and we are still going through major issues at school all i can say and what other people have said to me is stay strong and to not be backed into a corner and arrange a follow up meeting for 4 weeks time to see how much progress the school has made in the situation

Hi Fab

I'm not sure if you are aware of the troubles my ds has had in school but i had a thread on here last year that really helped me to get his school to takes me seriously , I will try to do a link & hopefully you can write down a few things to ask the head tonight at your meeting . www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/932670-get-police-involved-or-not/AllOnOnePage

Ask the head for a copy of their Anti bulling policy & remind them they have a duty of care towards your son .
Good luck x

I am seeing the deputy this afternoon, just got the call. I also have to see another member of staff after a mother made a threatening call to me saying my son had done something to her child.

I have got a notebook and will make notes now, thank you for the advice.

Can Dh come with you this afternoon ?

elmofan I do remember your thread and I posted on it too having found out from another mother my son had been kicked when he had tried to step in and save another child from a beating. He does that a lot, my son.

I feel ds is taking things out on his siblings once home and don't really know how to tackle it and if what I am doing is right.

Yes, he is coming home early to come with me.

Going through hard times with my ds at home too fab , he has changed completely in his personality & at times we are all miserable

I hope you get a good response from the D.Head.

DH and I were both bullied at school, and it is our worst fear for DS :(