I had my last thread deleted because I know the other mum uses MN too, and though I really needed the advice I thought it disrespectful to leave it in the public domain iyswim.
Anyway...I have come up against a brick wall, and I hope she doesn't mind my posting for some more advice because it seems we have the HT from hell, who is determined to undermine me at every turn and is very good at talking bollocks.
Just to catch up, ds and another boy have been in the same class for 2 and a half years. The other boy has an ASD.
Throughout this period of time they have had a very intense relationship which has caused problems - the other child requires a great deal of reassurance and has taken to following my son around demanding answers, crying or at times physically restraining him. My son does not fight back, he tries very hard to make the other boy feel better.
As a result he has suffered from symptoms such as sleeplessness, aggression (out of the blue, out of character and always directly after school - repeating phrases the other boy is known to use, which make little sense in the context) and an aversion to answering questions and being 'controlled' as he puts it. I didn't know what was causing all this until last summer when it became apparent there was a big problem with the other boy.
School have known about it since yr1, I was not told, and only started realisng there were some issues between them in yr2, but school still did very little. Yr3 has been the worst and the symptoms got severe.
I have kept in good contact with the other child's mum and she is brilliant, she knows him well obviously, and we agree the boys need separating. But school isn't doing it properly.
They keep assuring us that they never are together in class, never play together, and finally last month they got in a specialist after I talked about moving schools, but he's only recommended a circle of friends system and it appears not to be doing much.
He has no statement, and according to his mum the school advised her against it in reception.
I can't believe their attitude.
They keep telling me it is all fine now, then it became clear it wasn't, various incidents of the boy continuing to upset ds, being told they weren't together at playtime when they both told us they were etc.
So school revised their platitudes and now are saying it will get worse before it gets better - the other child is apparently reacting as though it were a 'divorce', and is angry and confused, which impacts on everyone. It's not his fault; he can't help it.
So I asked if we could take ds out of school for a few weeks till half term, to give the new system the best chance of working, ie 'cold turkey' rather than them always having to avoid each other, which they can't.
Spoke to parent governor yesterday, and he thought it was an excellent idea. As do several other people in my family including teachers/people who worked with ASD children and know their stuff.
However the HT refuses to authorise it. She says it will 'not resolve, but postpone' the problem. I wrote back saying I did not see how, given that the boys are being kept apart - how can it impact on the other child's 'conversion' into his new friendship circle, if my son isn't around - I'd have thought it would help him to as the temptation wouldn't be there.
She said that they are monitored throughout the day and are not together in lessons.
Yesterday my son told me that during PE. the other boy was very upset, crying loudly, and the teacher walked over (not their class teacher, but the same one they have at least once a week) and asked what was wrong, but my son said 'I will help sort out []' and the teacher said 'Ok' and walked off!
Ds said he felt like crying himself, he can't bear it when the other boy cries, but he didn't cry as he wanted the other boy to stop. He managed eventually to placate him.
In my view this contradicts directly what the HT said, firsly that they are not working together in class, and secondly that they are being monitored and the teachers will take charge of any incident where the other boy is distressed.
I'm fuming that this happened, yet again, and I feel I'm in an impossible position because if I send ds to school he's effectively being used by them as a carer for the other child, and if I don't, I will either have to formally remove him from the school roll,(role?) or to risk a penalty notice for absence.
the HT had the absolute cheek to suggest that if we didn't have faith in the school and trust them to do as they said, we were welcome to go to a different school.
I've emailed back in a very stern manner, but what else can I do - I'm exhausted, I tried emailing the chair of governors but he hasn't replied, and I suspect he will take her side anyway.
I don't want to move ds, I just want to take a couple of weeks to make a proper decision and not subject him to the mess this is while they sort out their own 'teething troubles' with the new system.
Any advice really gratefully received.