Working mum feeling ostracised in the playground.....

[gilmoregirl]

I really hope that I have spelled ostracised correctly.

Anyway my ds started primary school last year. Initially I was concerned about him settling in as he often said that no one played with him and didn't mention any names of children he had made friends with. One term in he seems settled and happy so I have been worrying less. He has never expressed any interest in having anyone from school over to play and he has not been invited to play with anyone but he has started to talk about other children.

I work full time and drop him off quite early in the morning and only collect him one day a week as he goes to after school club on the other days.

On the day that I do collect him I feel very out of it in the playgound as the other mums seem to know each other. I am aware that there have been several parties of children that I thought DS was friends with and he has not been invited, when I approach other mums to chat they are often talking about parties and continue making arrangements in front of me, well aware that DS has not been invited. I tend to just awkwardly hover off by myself as I find that very uncomfortable.

I think that perhaps I am just too touchy and take this too personally. I was planning to invite the whole class to DS's party as I did not want to exclude anyone. DS has not been invited to parties of children he considers to be his friends which I find upsetting. As far as I know he is unaware and I hope it stays that way.

I am concerned that as I have not been involved in the playground chat and got to know any other mums that I have excluded DS from invites.....

Any advice, words of comfort - orr brutal "pull your self together you wuss" comments (be gentle) would be appreciated

I couldn't be bothered with all the playground crap that goes on -I got the au pair to pick DS up.
Just invite a few children round to tea every now and again. He'll soon get invitations in return.

Oh you poor thing - I've always felt my part-time work has been a problem with this. Some days I'm there, some days I'm not. And my lack of an older child - most the parents knew each other years ago. And I'm shy!

I do have some people I know and chat to - I even like a couple. But it is difficult if you hardly ever see anyone - they might be shy too!

I would do the invite the class thing. You are going to have to kick this thing off by the looks of it (and it's unfair I know), so you might as well do it this way. It will give you an 'in' tho it might seem like a very little one. You can see then which ones you think you like and which kids you like.

Thanks v much for replying. I feel really down about it. Just the thought of DS being left out is horrible.

His birthday isn't till the summer so two more terms of this to go

He has some friends from nursery which is who he will talk about if you ask him about his "friends" and his name is on the waiting list for beavers locally but he cannot start till after the summer hols unfortunately.

I think that I am finding it especially tough as one of the other boys from his nursery is in his class. He seems to be integrated with the other boys whereas DS does not. For example he has play dates and is invited to parties. Makes me feel even worse for poor DS as he considers these boys as friends and yet he is excluded. I don't really understand why DS is not invited but I guess they can't always be invited to every party - some children have to be left out,
Part of me feels worse for getting so upset over this. I just feel awful that it is perhaps my fault for not being involved with the other mums so they just don't think to invite DS as he is not hanging out in the playground after school while the mums chat he is off right away with after school club

I'm in the same situation - all the other children had been to the school kindergarten together, so the mums knew each other, and most seem to be sahm.

DH takes the tactic of just marching up to people and chatting regardless. I seem to end up talking to grannies, but ds did get invited to one party so at least I spoke to people then.

I wish it was as easy as inviting children to tea - I can't predict which day I can pick up at end of school, so it doesn't work. And would people really let their 4 year old go home with someone they had never spoken to, let alone been to the house of ?

I don't suppose your DS is being excluded deliberately, but I guess that parents may find it easier to invite children whose parents they know until the children themselves have firm opinions on who their friends are?

My DD had her 5th birthday early in the year in reception, and had no idea who to invite, apart from her one best friend. We ended up inviting the old crew from her day nursery, none of whom were at the new school, and, yes, some children whose parents I'd got to know a bit.

If you can face a whole class party, go for it, but not everyone can or wants to do that. You'll probably find you'll get to chat to some people, and invitations will gradually ensue. It can take time.

Try not to resent people for getting to know each other while you're at work; I for one work from home and am already worried that when my DD2 leaves primary school this year I shall end up talking to the walls.

Some people are perhaps cliquey, but some are just standing around chatting. There is a difference.

Make a strategic, targetted effort. Presumably you know slightly the parents of the children he wa at nursery with? By sight to nod to at least? Next time you pick up, target one of those parents and issue a play invitation for the following week, on the day you pick up. Then , you can talk to that mother next time they are in th playground, she will (hopefully) offer a return invite.

And don't wait for his b'day. Have a pancake day party and invite 3 of his old nursery friends, and maybe the mums too - give written cards with your mobile number and 'rsvp'. They won't (rsvp) but that's another matter.

OP, I'm sure your feelings are not only understandable but very common amongst Mums who work, or who can't do the school run for another reason. Most of my friends work and feel the same as you do.

As a (somewhat reluctant) SAHM who does the school run every sodding day, let me reassure you that you aren't missing much, and probably your DS isn't nearly as aware of all this as you are.

I think your plan for a whole class party is a great idea, particularly in reception when they haven't formed tight friendships yet (even if some of their mothers have!). As others have said, this will give you a chance to get talking to some of the Mums anyway.

I found that last year, when DS1 was in reception, there were a lot more kids going home with a friend for tea / to play. Now in Y1 when more of them have activities after school and they have settled down a bit, their social whirl has settled too, to a much more manageable level.

Invite one or two back to play on the day you do collect (ones he seems to like) and see how it goes.

As for them all yabbering away, just smile, hold your head high, and try not to let it get to you. I know this is hard - it gets to me too sometimes, even though I am there every day, and do know some of them, and sometimes I am the one yabbering. Most of them are not my friends, just someone to pass the time of day with, and I'd be happy to talk to you if you were there too!

I also work full-time and so the days when I pick up I also feel out of it. I know a few parents now and either make a bee-line for them or just sit down and wait somewhere but I remember reception year as being particularly hard because the other children had mostly come from the same nursery.

The SAHMs see each other day in, day out and also have more time to do things after school so it's kind of natural that they'd chat. I doubt it's malicious in any way - they just don't know who you are.

Parties and play-dates are the best way to get to know other parents. Why not throw a small party rather than wait for the big birthday one - you don't need a reason, just because! I did a tea party for a few friends for my dd when she was in reception. It was great fun. And then invite the parents in for a cup of tea as well.

As someone else suggested, try to have friends over on the days you do collect. Is there a class list with phone numbers? If you ds isn't forthcoming about friends, ask the teacher who he likes to play with.

I felt the same before Christmas but then something miraculous happened - the mums at the school gate got bored with each other and the kids they had been inviting to tea during the first term. Some of them have clearly been working out who is 'their type' (don't ask me). From being barely noticed, my child and I have weirdly become far popular in recent weeks. I frankly don't care but have asked a few over for separate playdates just so my child isn't left out completely.

It feels a bit odd but I'd hang in there. It's the madness of the first flurry of playdates and will calm down VERY SOON.

IME, friendships in reception are partly down to children but especially in the first term, mostly down to parents. If you are the type of person to have loads of friends then you are probably the type of person to organise loads of play dates. Later on, children will ask to have friend x round to tea rather than this being parent led.

If your DS wants to have a friend round then introduce yourself to their Mum and ask them round. They are likely to reciprocate. As for his birthday, I would only ask a few children to increase the chance that you will get to chat to the parents of the children your son is most friendly with.

Some families manage a host of after school activites and a constant stream of playdates and some do nothing at all. You will find the right level for you and your DS.

I agree with the previous post and sympathise/empathise (I am also a working Mum and I struggle to arrange play dates for DC let alone go to coffee mornings, chat at school gate etc).

I was wondering if the reason your son may not be included as much, is that he is one of the younger ones (ie you say summer birthday). What I mean is that in DS's year group (reception) there is a biiiig gap socially between the older ones and the younger ones. If this is the case as he gets older the gap will probably lessen and he will 'fit in' more.

I like euphemia's suggestion, it'd be a way to initiate things earlier than the party.

Thanks everyone. It is good to have some other perspective on this as I just feel so alone at the moment - just to add to the picture I am a single mum with no support which I am sure is one the reasons I take things so hard!

I had a chat with DS at bedtime about friends and specifically asked him if he would like to invite a friend from school to play on the afternoon I collect him. He was very clear that he did not want to! I pushed it a bit then changed tack and asked him what about his birthday party - who would he like to invite. He listed the boys from his nursery..... only one boy from nursery is at school unfortunately.

Perhaps I should try and have a chat with the teacher about it. He is in the middle of the age range I think as in Scotland the school year age is from 1 march - 28 feb.

The only other mum I know is a bit of a jellyfish - she makes comments that are stinging but would seem like idle chit chat to the casual observer (or perhaps once again I am just to damn sensitive).

God I feel like I am back at school again. I had no idea it was going to be like this, my nerves can't take it. How on earth will I cope when DS is actually aware that he is not being invited along. My heart breaks at the very thought.

I will try for the full class party - there are 30 mind you so doubt would fit into my flat so will need to look for a church hall.

Thank you for all of the tips

I'd talk to his teacher and find out who he hangs out with at school, if he's not forthcoming with names - my DS isn't either. Even if he's not friendly with particular children yet, the teacher may be able to suggest a child with similar interests or temperament.

Then perhaps invite one of them over for tea one day. I'd be inclined to do this even if DS says he doesn't want it - friendships can make or break experiences at school and it's not wrong to help this a long a bit. Also, in a one to one situation, rather than loads of kids in a group, they are more likely to make an effort to play together.

If it's a complete disaster then fair enough, leave it for a bit, but I bet it wouldn't be

Gilmoregirl, how about trying to get to know some of the other mums at the after school club? I was in the same situation as you when my DD was younger and I found I had more in common with them than the school playground mums. I know it's hard as at 6 o'clock you just want to get home but it's worth a try. I sat through went along to a few of their committee meetings which helped.

Also found that once DD started some activities like Rainbows I got to know a few parents while waiting outside to collect. It's a smaller group so less cliquey.

Thanks, I think I need to pluck up the courage and just get stuck in!

I will ask the teacher and see if she has any suggestions.

We did invite a boy from after school club round to play and that was fine, maybe I should ask him again....that was pretty tricky though as it is a huge after school club (several primary schools) and everyone collects at different times. It would be good to have a list of names and parents like for school.

Joining a committee is a really good idea - at the moment I am doing a postgrad course as well as working full time plus distict lack of babysitters so tricky When i finish my course I would definiately like to do that, perhaps even the PTA (or maybe that is a step too far!

There is a school dance coming up so maybe I should just get tickers for DS and I and hope that we are not left on the sidelines all evening as we know no one as I could not cope with that - would be even worse than how I feel now

I agree re the smaller groups - the school is huge - the class is very big, but DS definitely knows everyone now and I am getting better after studying the class phot intently. Nursery was so must better - DS had one "best friend" and several other friends and everyone got along, so far am not keen on school - oh well only another 13 years to go

Can I back up what bluejeans has said, I know how difficult it can be so when my DC were at pre-school I joined the Committee just so that I knew some of the other parents. And then a primary I tried to maintain these contacts and go to the PTA events. If your DS can establish some friendship links (do talk with the teacher) then playdates really work especially if you invite the mum in for tea when she comes to collect.
It does get easier as they get older and to be fair whenever I was in the playground I never understood the conversations that were happening around me (as I felt I had so little in common with them) however usually there was a fellow parent I knew and was able to try to strike up a conversation, although when they start 'I haven't seen you here all term...' it isn't very interesting.

I work full time and drop ds off at school one day a week (never collect). I don't see anyone at school. We have email contacts and a parents rep in each class. People take it in turns to organise a night out (dinner at a local pub or restaurant) every two or three months. Its a good way to get to know other parents.

I have got to know other parents mainly because of their dcs playing rugby or cricket at the same club as ds.

It is hard and I know there is a whole world of party invites and playdates that ds has no part of. Parents do talk about them in front of me but why shouldn't they? It is up to them/their dcs whom they invite or mix with out of school.

I would only be concerned if ds was unhappy or lonely at school, which he isn't. I remember being concerned about lack of invites when he was younger but soon realised that there was a 'hard core' of parents organising playdates and there were plenty of dcs in the same position as ds.

If your ds isn't unhappy then I wouldn't have any concerns. Ds is in yr 2 and I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of playdates he has had since he started school.

As for party invites, invite whom you choose. I hate that tit for tat business. Ds often invites dcs who haven't invited them to their party.

I was hoping that there would be some kind of get together so that I could meet some other parents. There is a class list with email addresses and phone numbers so I guess I just need to be brave.

I am planning to invite the whole class to his birthday party as would hate to leave a child out (am even more aware of this now).

Personally I think it is rude to continue to talk about arrangements for a party that my child is not invited to when I approached - I hovered for a while but they just ignored me and continued discussing the party so I had to wander off again which I found very uncomfortable. I just wouldn;t exclude another person (adult or child) but I guess it's each man for himself in the big bad playground!

Party is a v good idea. If his birthday isn't until the summer then maybe you could make up a party - maybe an easter egg hunt party or something? That would get you known by/talking to the other parents. I'm afraid working parents often slip off the radar of SAHMs at the playground.

My reception child doesn't do playmates and I don't think many of her class do. They are pretty knackered after school. My Yr 2 does a lot more.

My heart goes out to you! Maybe even more so as I will be in a similar situation as you this coming September and I am already dreading this.

I second the suggestion about making up a party. waiting till the summer seems far too long.

I am planning to pick up my DC from school one day a week. I am hoping that once he settles in, we can have playdates on the day that I pick him up. Maybe you can do that too?