Working mum feeling ostracised in the playground.....

[gilmoregirl]

I really hope that I have spelled ostracised correctly.

Anyway my ds started primary school last year. Initially I was concerned about him settling in as he often said that no one played with him and didn't mention any names of children he had made friends with. One term in he seems settled and happy so I have been worrying less. He has never expressed any interest in having anyone from school over to play and he has not been invited to play with anyone but he has started to talk about other children.

I work full time and drop him off quite early in the morning and only collect him one day a week as he goes to after school club on the other days.

On the day that I do collect him I feel very out of it in the playgound as the other mums seem to know each other. I am aware that there have been several parties of children that I thought DS was friends with and he has not been invited, when I approach other mums to chat they are often talking about parties and continue making arrangements in front of me, well aware that DS has not been invited. I tend to just awkwardly hover off by myself as I find that very uncomfortable.

I think that perhaps I am just too touchy and take this too personally. I was planning to invite the whole class to DS's party as I did not want to exclude anyone. DS has not been invited to parties of children he considers to be his friends which I find upsetting. As far as I know he is unaware and I hope it stays that way.

I am concerned that as I have not been involved in the playground chat and got to know any other mums that I have excluded DS from invites.....

Any advice, words of comfort - orr brutal "pull your self together you wuss" comments (be gentle) would be appreciated

I would definitely talk to the teacher and she should be able to tell you more about how he interacts and plays during the day. We went though a particularly low spot around this time last year when dd was in reception. She was playing alone a lot and the couple of friends she had made were playing with other dc but dd was to shy to join in.

I got very down about it and actually cried in the playground myself one morning . Things really turned around over the next months. We had a couple of new playdates - one didn't work out but the other became a best friend even though she had never played with this child before that first visit. I definitely found some one on one play helped - OTOH I would not do a playdate if she said she didn't want to.

I work PT and I am very sociable by nature - but I still get overwhelmed by the playground

sometimes. I quite like NOT doing it every day and getting a break - but I also look forward to seeing some of the parents.

Does he seem unhappy with his situation? Dd does not get many invites for parties and stuff - but I always thought that as long as she got any at all that would be fine and we are both content even though I am sure she gets less than most of the dc. For her bday I invited whoever she seemed to be playing with that month - I don't expect return invites from all of them - that's fine.

I think you need to be a little less self effacing quite honestly. It helps to be quite thick skinned when dealing with these things and remind yourself that its not about you but about DS.

Get a couple of names (from DS or his teacher) of children DS plays with and email or text the mothers to ask for a playdate. Suggest it for the day you pick up or at a weekend. Don't worry if someone seemingly ignores you or says no - sometimes other mums are very busy or technologically incompetent. Just move onto the next name.

Once you've hosted a handful of playdates you should start getting asked back and you'll be rolling..

I think you need to be a little less self effacing quite honestly. It helps to be quite thick skinned when dealing with these things and remind yourself that its not about you but about DS.

Get a couple of names (from DS or his teacher) of children DS plays with and email or text the mothers to ask for a playdate. Suggest it for the day you pick up or at a weekend. Don't worry if someone seemingly ignores you or says no - sometimes other mums are very busy or technologically incompetent. Just move onto the next name.

Once you've hosted a handful of playdates you should start getting asked back and you'll be rolling..

Also - don't ask your ds whether he wants someone to come and play - just do it!

If he is enjoying schooland is happy going in each day, you may be projecting your own uncertainties onto him - there isn't actually a problem atm, is there? You're being a great Mu - don't overthink yourself into a self-berating tiz. (I am a f/t wohm)

I think you may be worrying too much.

I worked Ft when dd started school - only picked her up once a week as well.

yes there is an element of exclusion from the SAHM brigade, however that is to be expected really.

To be honest yoru son is very young - at this age often playdates are parent led. He is not missing out on not being invited - when he gets a bit older he will ask for x to come round for tea. Don't push anything at this age.

Don't worry also about the conversations at the school gate. I never bothered speaking to anyone anyway on my one day of collection. It is not the be all and end all.

Party for the class is a good idea - but yes bloody hire a church hall! It is cheaper than you would think, and is better than having your house invaded!

just a quick post to say i know where you're coming from! I only drop dd1 off twice a week (she is in reception) and collect her once

tbh most of the other parents seem a bit unfriendly! there are one or two that say hello, but quite a lot that just can't be arsed. There is one set of parents i have got to know more but i know they are planning to move away in the summer which is a real shame (for me and dd1 anyway, probably not for them!)

dd1 has not been invited to any parties yet, or playdates. She didn't know anyone when she started whereas a lot of the others had been to the school nursery so I accept it may be slow-going to begin with but it still gets me down a bit and I worry for her though she hasn't said anything about feeling left out yet.

I can't bear it the one day i do pick her up and actually go as late as possibly to avoid hanging around with a load of grumpy buggers that don't even say hello!

On the plus side I am actually slightly relieved that now I don't feel like I have throw a party and invite the whole class for dd1's bday .

Hi there. A couple of thoughts - don't want to put the spanner in the works regarding your DS's summer birthday party but 30 sounds a lot of kids and how many mums do you think you will get a chance to chat to then?? You will be too busy keeping the party on track and they will simply de-fault to their cliques. By the summer your son may have identified a handful of playmates so wait a bit before deciding on this is my advice. One thought - do you live in the countryside or near a park? A birthday picnic with everyone bringing their own food (you bring a cake!) and everyone bringing outdoor games is a great way to crack the party thing. We did this every year for our summer-baby son and the picnic parties became an annual event that kids and parents looked forward to! (Also cheap)

Asking the class teacher to help identify who he plays with at the moment is a starting point and then invite them around (one or two at a time and with their respective mum's/carer's) so you get a chance to get to know them while your son plays. Your DS may say he doesn't want anyone round to play but they don't always know what is best for themselves do they

The school gate thing is horrendous. I avoid it now and feel much happier. I have experienced, as you, both mums yattering about their kids getting together (excluding mine) and a whole load of the mum's socialising and excluding me. It is so insensitive of those people to continue talking as though you were invisible. I don't even try to be a part of that now but thankfully, my DC's are settled with ok social lives.

The issue here though is your DS and it is his friendships that need nurturing. At this age it is parent lead so just make a concerted effort to get together with a handful of the kids/mums and something will grow. Good luck

quote: "I just feel awful that it is perhaps my fault for not being involved with the other mums so they just don't think to invite DS as he is not hanging out in the playground after school while the mums chat he is off right away with after school club."

to be honest, based on my experience (as a former full time working mum and currently SAH mum/student, I think you've hit the nail on the head with this one. I say this not to make you feel bad - but just to point out that in all likelihood this is (i) not anything personal about you and (ii) not anything personal about your son. It's just that kids this age don't initiate playdates themselves all that much, and parents tend to arrange them through casual conversations while waiting in the queue.

My advice: try and get a few names from your DS, and then email - in separate emails - the parents along the lines of: "I'm very conscious that I'm not around in the playground much as I work fulltime, it would be nice to have an opportunity to catch up some time / for DS to play with x" Shall we try and organise something some time - not sure how you feel about a weekend / bank holiday? Otherwise maybe we'll get a chance to meet at DS' birthday party.... I wouldn't put a specific invitation in the first email as you'll inevitably beat yourself up if they decline (whether or not this is for a good reason. Just try and open the lines of communication...

And re birthday party - 30 is a lot and I suggest you may struggle if all the parents take the "drop and run" option. You might want to put something on the invite about "it would be nice to catch up with some mums and dads as I'm not around in the playground much - so if you'd like to stay for a coffee you're more than welcome".

I can guarantee there will be at least some parents in the class who can relate to the difficulty of trying to organise a child's social life and work full time.

Oh - and one further thought in this rambling email - try and pinpoint any only children in the class. Parents with only children are usually more focussed on organising playdates (and of course get the benefit of time to themselves once their only child is one one - always an incentive!)

I was in that situation 4 years ago. I work F/T and we were new in the area, so many mums though the aupair was DS's mum. I made an effort to start doing pick ups twice a week, and it was hard to get to know people. I was always "interrogating" the aupair to see who wsa who. I then sent a written invitation to one of the parents for a play date. Little by little, DS started being included. I am still an outsider in the playground, but at least DS is one of the crowd and he's happy.

Hello,

I am one of those SAHM who knows everyone, as sadly I do not work right now, and need to direct my energy somewhere

FWIW, my DS often does not get invited to all kinds of things. Sometimes he is upset. But some people are very strapped for cash and do small parties at the mo, and may do a sleepover for 3 friends, or a film with just best 2 friends.

I also have put a stop to playdates for my DC2 (5) as he just gets too tired. Will try them again next term.

So just in case you think everybody is having more fun, that may just SEEM that way.

A lot of it is in your mind. And you should not worry.

It is just your "guilt" talking about not being there every day, and why should you feel guilty about working?! Right. you should not. If and when I get a job, I am outa there!

Hi,
I am quite sad reading some of these posts, having been on both sides of the fence. I am now p/t wfhm, but I get to do pretty much all drops offs and pick ups.

Clandon makes a good point that it might seem as if everyone is having more fun but it may not be that way. My DS is summer born, just gone into Year 1 and he is horrible on playdates (always at our house, he rarely gets invited to others). His "best" friend's mum works ft and basically has said that playdates only in the holidays and that's fine. DS is an only child so I was keen for him to socialise with the class. The playdates are often drop and run even at age 4 and 5 - even more so the parties.

At my school we have a very good system of class reps and emails so social events do get organised quite regularly (at least once every halfterm and mostly evenings). It is funny though - it seems to be the WM who can get out easily in the evening - the SAHM often have DHs and DPs who don't get that their other halves need a break as well!

We've then organised events over the summer holidays - a general meetup and picnics at the local parks. That happened about 3 times last year and is open to all. That was good fun - we were there nearly all day. Working parents have taken odd days off so some came along.

There are definitely little groups of close friendships and 1 or 2 stand-offish people, but overall I have really enjoyed over the last year getting to know people that I would never have met otherwise. 1 of my new BF is 15 years younger than me but she's great! I don't miss my work at all - I found the people where I worked rude and horrible (yes it was a big city IB). But I do chat to anyone and it can seem mundane - hot topic this morning was NITS!! But if my DS gets them at least now I know who's got what product and if it works!!!

My DD started reception in september and has only just mentioning names so I have invited a couple of children round for tea. Have you got a class rep to pass everyones phone numbers out? If not that may be useful. I am a SAHM but used the list to contact another mum because I never see her at the school.I would ask your son if he would like to invite anyone for tea and take it from there. The class party is a great idea as he will almost certainly get return invites from that.

Lastly, dont worry. The other mums will be as nervous about approaching you. You may find they knew each other before. For example my DD didnt go the nursery attached to the school so its taken until now to talk to some mums who obviouisly have known each other from nursery and all live nearby.