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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Aaargh - do you get involved in playground spats?

36 replies

notwithme · 12/01/2011 13:37

This has been annoying me all week.

Last week one of DDs friends got upset because she wouldn't play with her after school on Friday. She was playing with a group of boys. Typical running around horseplay.

Friend got upset and told her mum who spoke to my DD. I also had a word with DD when we got home about being kind etc.

On Monday, friend was still upset so her mother went to tell the teacher and the reason why.

Yesterday, DD came home and said the teacher had spoken to them all about friendship and kindness.

I'm not annoyed about talking to DD, but am a little bit annoyed that her teacher was told and it was escalated to 'class talk'.

Am I in denial in thinking that this kind of thing must go on all the time when mother's are not present and they just get on with it?

Actually this makes me sound really bad doesn't it! I'm just upset that DD has been reported to the teacher for what I think was not that big a deal.

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OkayGrrl · 12/01/2011 13:41

No you don't sound really bad, the mother of you DD's friend was being silly, your child wanted to play with some other children she wasn't being unkind.

FranSanDisco · 12/01/2011 13:42

The teacher probably opted for the class chat as she felt is was usual behaviour rather than an 'issue'. I think you are taking it too personally really. How old are the children in question?

corns1lky · 12/01/2011 13:42

It's all mad. Other mother shouldn't have spoken to dd to begin with. Other dd should have just joined in - was that suggested? I wonder what exactly what was said to the teacher by the other mother to generate a class lecture talk. Strange that she was still upset about it after the weekend.

werewolf · 12/01/2011 13:43

What did your dd's friend's mum say to dd, out of interest?

Original poster

notwithme · 12/01/2011 13:46

DD was being unkind. She said her friend couldn't play. Friend then got upset and DD dug her heels in.

I wasn't particularly proud of her which is why I spoke to her when I got home.

They're in year 1!

OP posts:

Original poster

notwithme · 12/01/2011 13:47

I have deep seated childhood issues with being in trouble with the teacher

OP posts:

FranSanDisco · 12/01/2011 13:48

Other mother has totally over reacted and I bet the teacher thinks this too.

lovecheese · 12/01/2011 13:48

"Friend got upset and told her mum who spoke to my DD"

Sorry, but it really really annoys me when other children's mums feel that they have the right to tell-off or belittle other people's children, and in this case over something so trivial. If any of mine were having issues I would firstly try to get the children involved to talk about it, then possibly speak to mum of child myself; there is no way I would go direct to another child. Grr, a real bug-bear of mine.

corns1lky · 12/01/2011 13:49

ah okay - can see why she spoke to her then.

OkayGrrl · 12/01/2011 13:49

Ok, maybe it was a bit harsh at leaving the girl out but you did speak to her and it should have been left at that, the other mother was OTT to talk to the school unless her daughter is being bullied or left out all the time.

FranSanDisco · 12/01/2011 13:53

I hate all this 'you must play with X' stuff. Ds's friend (X) loves football and his mum told me that she had a phone call to her work place from another boy's mother (call him Y). This mother said that X won't play with Y anymore as Y doesn't like football so could she tell X to play something else with Y!! Mad as a box of frogs some parents!! I believe the answer was NO!!!!!!

MadamDeathstare · 12/01/2011 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 12/01/2011 13:55

I think if your DD actually told someone they couldn't play that was quite mean, as you said - obviously your DD is not obliged to play with anyone, but that was excluding the other girl.

I believe is the policy in most schools is (or should be) that 'everyone can play,' so if it was brought to the teacher's attention she probably saw it as a good opportunity to remind the class about this.

Not sure about the other mum, though - did she seek your DD out to have a word or was it just a casual word in passing?

FranSanDisco · 12/01/2011 14:00

I read the post as the little girl wanted OP dd to stop her running game and play with her. That's not excluding her. The little girl I presume could have joined in the game in motion. I can't see how this is mean.

crazygracieuk · 12/01/2011 14:03

The other mum was OTT in talking to your dd and telling the teacher unless this is something that happens regularly. If your dd did something really bad then I would expect the other mum to talk to you rather than your dd.

I wouldn't read too much into the class talk. Children in Y1 can be selfish and insensitive to the feelings of others and it's good to remind them to try and think about the feelings of others.

If I was the other mum I would have comforted my dd because her feelings had been hurt and reassure her how nice you dd normally is and she must be having an off day. I would also be reminding her that she can be unkind too but others have forgiven her because she's normally very kind.

Original poster

notwithme · 12/01/2011 14:03

No Fran, she was trying to join in and DD said no she couldn't.

Friend's mother called her over.

I think I'm blowing this all out of proportion a bit aren't I!

It's important to me that DD is kind and I'm mortified if she isn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

notwithme · 12/01/2011 14:05

crazygracie, that's exactly what I would do too.

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WhatsWrongWithYou · 12/01/2011 14:19

I think you've just had your first 'weird mummy in playground' situation - you never really get used to it but you won't dwell on it so much next time.

I'm sure I'd be a bit pissed off if someone did this to one of mine - kids can be mean at times, and you're probably mortified because yours usually isn't. I'm sure the other girl is not always an angel.

tomhardyismydh · 12/01/2011 14:35

i would rather friends mum spoke to teacher than me or dd if im honest in a situation of conflict, it means it has more chance of getting sorted out sensilbly.

However on this occassion i dont think any of it was needed. friends mum should have just let it go.

sometimes children need to manage each other on thier own and parents need to learn when to give some things a chance to blow over or run its course.

I dont understand why friends mother would indulge this fussy behaviour from her dd a whole weekend had passed and she was still upset, I would have told my dd to move on and put it to rest, unless it was an ongoing issue.

I think teacher delbt with it sensibly she did not interveen where it wasnt neccesary and adressing the class rather than your dd was fair.

hatsybatsy · 12/01/2011 14:44

gah - other Mum was BU

ok so not v nice to exclude another child from play, but these things happen - breaktimes must be full of incidents like this where children just sort themselves out.

other mother should not have got involved - but think prob ok for teacher to give general talk to whole class about being nice - that should happen regularly anyway?

Lonnie · 12/01/2011 16:18

Actually I dont think it was over the top behaviour from the mother. It can be quite traumatic to bee excluded and if the girl had been upset she might well have lingered over it at the weekend (I currently have a 7 year old in floods of tears that her 2 friends dont believe in the Easter bunny - she has been going on and off for 1 hour now doesnt want comfort) then the quiet word with the teacher came in as the girl might have felt insecure about it. Teacher took it to a " we all have to be kind " talk something I think was the right way to handle the situation.

I am not 100% on if the mother should have spoken to your dd it to me would 100% depend on how. I have at times asked another child what happened to get their side of the story.. if that was what happened I dont think she was over the top at all. If she was teling your dd off then yes I think she was over the top with that part but telling the teacher etc no not at all over the top her daughter no matter how you look at it was bullied by your child and the other children in the game.

I am not sayign yoru dd is a horror or anything like that kids at times do unkind things and we need to teach them how to deal with that and why it is not ok to do teacher imo dealt with it utterly appropriate, had she gone for your dd and singled her out I would be saying OHHH wait but I cant for a moment see what went wrong apart from if the mother was telling your dd off.

tomhardyismydh · 12/01/2011 16:24

I do not agree lonnie this is bullying. It was at its worst a little bit unkind.

Feelingsensitive · 12/01/2011 17:11

I wouldn't consider this bullying - it's a relatively minor incident amongst six year old children who are yet to learn how to express what they want in a knider way.

This type of thing goes on all the time. I think its inevitable when you jumble a load of people together with all the emotions that come with parenting added into the mix. I try and stay out of the small stuff as I figure my efforts will be required for more important stuff at some point. Its not nice being left out but it is something that happens and we need to deal with. If these things happen to DD (and they do) I try to use the opportunity to teach her how to deal with it rather than telling someone elses child how to behave.

Lonnie · 12/01/2011 18:16

Tomhardy at worst a bit unkind? have you read what the OP said her dd did? she wouldnt allow the child to be a part of the game and when teh girl insisted she "got stubborn" and refused her to be involved. that is bullying yes.

Doesnt mean op's daughter is a lost course doesnt mean OP's daughter will for ever me be lost she is a child children do those sort of things. It means that she like OP did has to be spoken to and have explained that sort of behaviour is wrong. but when you make someone feel excluded you are bullying

Lonnie · 12/01/2011 18:21

Ultimatly if someone is being bullied or not can only be decided by the recipient (in this case the other child) considering the fact that the mother felt the need to discuss it with the teacher I would say it is a fair guess to say that the child indeed took it that way.

OP please do not think I think you did badly by your dd I think you handled it well with speaking to her etc I am not getting down on that.

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