academic differences between siblings

[baby24]

Has anyone else had experience of one very academically bright dc and another one not so academically able? I know there are much more important things than academic success but just wondered how you handle it.

dd1 was never academic. She has recently left school and started college and been diagnosed as dyslexic so that maybe explains it, but we always just thought she wasn't interested so didn't push her - her talents lie in other areas.

dd2 is SUPREMELY academic - to the point that her teachers can't stop telling me how wonderful she is (which I know, obviously!)

ds doesn't seem to be particularly academic, again his talents lie in other areas, he's a fab musician, he loves dancing and gym but the thought of homework leaves him cold.

We just accept that all three are different and encourage them in the areas that they are gifted/happy at

Yes I have this. Actually surely lots of people do?

I don't think it's a problem. My 3 DC are very different and have very diferent strengths; eg one is more sporty than the other 2, one loves to cook, one loves to be on stage, one is a really strong swimmer, one is a great reader etc.

I have always made it clear how much I love them all and value any achievements. I guess the brighter ones will achieve more at school but as long as you value steps the less able one takes it is fine I think.

They are different people with different strengths, and my love and approval of their talents and abilities is unconditional.
So I praise them both for all the good things they achieve. How is that difficult?

Ds1 is not hugely academic, ds2 picks things up very very easily. One the other hand ds1 is far more socially able than ds2 and works hard achieving very well for his ability.

It's all a case of looking at the actual ability of your child and seeing their achievements within that framework.

I was the academic one in my family, and oddly enough ended up being the one least praised (since I should know how clever I am by my grades, apparently) and I was always convinced I was letting everyone down since my siblings were often praised. So it is a case of keeping encouragement and praise equal on all fronts I think.

Yes, eldest DS is not really academic, managed GCSE's and Advanced Diploma and scraped into uni but only just, however he is sociable, thoughful, considerate and friendly. Youngest son is definitely academic, 13 GCSE's at A and A* and now studying A levels with the intention of being a lawyer, he also has Aspergers, BESD and pretty much lives a solitary life. They are both SO different you wouldn't think them siblings, but both are loved for who they are, rather than what they do

DD1 works hard but struggles

DD2 VERY academic, finds everything really easy

DS, quite academic, but only interested in football

Imarriedafrog I thought you where just quoting the teacher.

I have a bit of an issue with this tbh.

Ds1 is one of those golden children - academically gifted, very wide reader, open to all new experiences, musical (but not sporty) and a sunny, outgoing disposition. One of the kids that always get parts in plays, place on school council, sixer, merits, stars, whatever's going. I have been told "He's a pleasure to teach" by at least one of his teachers most years since preschool.

Ds2 is good academically but not brilliant, has a chip on his shoulder and no outside interests unless you count cartoons and computer games.

Hmmmm.

And before you ask, we NEVER compare them, Ds2 has had none of the same teachers, and Ds1 is unfailingly encouraging of Ds2.

Ouch. Poor boy.

It's never nice to live in the shadow of a 'golden' older sibling.

What is the issue for you?

Do you feel sorry for ds2 or are you just upset that he's not so 'academic'?

Because how they do at primary school isn't really a good indicator of how their lives will turn out as adults.

Maybe your DS2 is just a late bloomer. Maybe he just needs more time to find something that is 'his',

I had a highly intelligent sister, who was a genius in all terms. Grade 8 musician aged 11 in piano. Took the 11+ 2 years early, came top for that entrance group.

I was average, oh boy did I know it. Completely unmotivated me, knew I'd never be as good as her so just didn't bother.

Unfortunately the reason I said had, was because at 13, my sister had meningitis and encaphilitis(sp.) at the same time. She was left mentally damaged, and is now 'normal' if she hadn't been such a genius she'd of ended up being mentally incapable.

We're finding it really hard.

DS is a year younger than DD but working a year ahead of her.

It's really obvious. She brings home Reading books he read last year. She has very easy spellings he has quite hard ones. Everything she struggles with he can do easily.

It causes us and DD loads of Problems.

DS 1 and DD are lazily bright - don't try that hard but get good results. DS2 has severe dyslexia but it very driven. He has a plan, many plans actually, and I have no doubt he will achieve in life. Wish the other two had half of his gumption. He has really bloomed at high school where there is a 'can do' attitude. Am sure it is not all about intelligence.

OMDB - the only issue for me is trying to praise them equally! I love them equally, it's just that Ds1 is the "easier" child and I don't want him to feel in his brother's shadow. Which I don't think he does, but it could be an issue in teenage years, maybe.

It's a hard combination - DS1 has the brains and the "can do" attitude. I try very very hard not to reinforce roles within the family and at the moment DS2 sees himself as clever, top of the class, whatever and isn't aware how far ahead DS1 is. He expects him to be ahead because he is older, and doesn't have the maturity to compare himself (thank goodness)

I'm glad they have the birth order that they do - that must be hard, indigo.

Where is the OP?

We have a few issues with this too. DS1 very academic, nothing seems too difficult for him and he is a natural with maths and science. Socially fine with adults but doesn't like children.

DS2 is 4yrs younger and seems to struggle with almost everything. He loves reading and is doing well and he has good social skills but can barely write and seems to have dyscalculia. He can't even add 1 or 2!! I teach maths so this pains me a bit.

I feel guilty sometimes. I stayed at home with DS1 and played with him and taught him, rather task driven and very ambitious for him. With DS2, I set up a business, renovated a house and spent no time with him. He was in nursery or with DH. Have I reaped what a sowed ?

MMM - no! DS2 not being able to add 1 + 2 is not because you didn't spend enough time with him. Definately not.

Hopefully it's because he's only 4. AFAIK the target for maths at the end of reception is to be able to count to 10....

DB (arty,sporty, musical) used to get endless flack from his teachers about not being top of the class academically like me. It really got him down, but I sincerely hope that wouldn't happen today (although I think some thoughtless comparisons from relatives are still inevitable).

Ds1 struggled with school in end pulled out HE he then learnt to read spell etc sadly I did not know about statements had trusted school

but he is now at collage got himself place on. Interview even though no gcse doing cooking which is what he wants .very sociable polite mature young man and that's just not me it's noticed by everyone

Ds2 is 13 and yes he is mg academic one has taken maths already and is going for full quota of gcse is keen on getting into Cambridge school work came easy for him though not in reception where they worried that he might struggle he took of end of year 1

but though he's polite etc well behaved he struggles socially is very shy

dd well she's inquistve seems midle of class but is good at laungages

Ds3 well he has sn but a talent for making people smile and twisting them round his finger to

so all differnt I praise for what there good at not what they can't do life be boating if everyone was the same

Two girls, both very bright but very different as far as school work concerned.

DD1 (very young yr9) borderline academic, getting lazier as she gets older. Guessing she will underacheiver. Naturally musical, prefers factual rather than creative subjects as far as written work concerned. Wants to join every activity going but tends to lose interset when things get difficult. Spoilt rotten as a small child, with Dad at home doting on her. Had a private primary education, possibly peaked early - definitely pushed more than she wanted to be.

DD2 (older yr2) looking to be very academic. Way ahead in all things literacy related. Repeatedly chosen for the lead in plays, school council. Does no extra curricular or after school clubs - never wanted to. Although starting to show interest I'm playing an instrument so will start soon. Spends much of her spare time writing poems and songs. Does homework on day set, without being asked. Attended nursery from around 8 months so had less parental attention in the early years than her sister. (hope you saw that bit MMM)

Both learnt to read really quickly and easily soon after starting school.

Both love drama, and teachers for both have said they were a joy to teach.

We do. It is a little difficult at the moment as ds, the less academically able, has very low self confidence and is unwilling to try anything new- which makes it harder for him to find something he is good at. At the moment, he hates reading, all school subjects, any music except listening to rap, drama, all outdoor pursuits except football (which is difficult as he is mildly disabled), art, wildlife, animals, history, boats, cooking... He would literally like to spend all his time watching the telly- which is hard to praise really. He responds badly to praise, anyway; it just makes him suspicious and angry. We do keep trying, but the chip on his shoulder is enormous. I can't see that his sister has ever done anything to make him feel inferior.

Am hoping he will find something when he goes up to secondary, doesn't have to be academic, just something he can enjoy doing.

I think he does have talents (not least for drama), but he refuses to do anything with them.

Ds one. Very bright. All A and A* at Gcse despite not completing all course work or revising. Fortunately he was disappointed with A grades so thus far appears to be working harder at college.

Ds 3. Very bright and conscientious. Was brain damaged as a babe with bilateral grade three IVH. We were told he was blind and would have moderator severe learning difficulties. Age 11 he reads non stop and will undoubtably 'beat' eldest brother.

Ds 2. Total inability to sit still, follow instructions and forsee consequences. Bloody school compared him to eldest unfavourably and we had same at first parent's eve for youngest. He is verbally quick and his mental arithmetic is very good but I dont think he will ever be happy and a high achiever in a classroom. He is fairly sporty unlike his brothers and can be (unless angry which is a lot) the most loving and gentle.

We try so hard to ensure he is acknowledged for all the things he is good at. It is very difficult.

Advice? Make sure you do not ever stand for any comparative stuff from anyone, including school and grandparents. Actively seek differences. Set up from an early age the differences between treating them equally and treating them fairly to enable rewards for differing achievements. Try very hard to overtly value everyone from the postie to the doctor ( I think this is important. It is unsaid stereotypes that kids often pick up on).

In the meantime I will hope for more tips here!