Christ what is wrong with me? I cried in the Headmistresses office today....

[geraldinetheluckygoat]

Ds started reception for one term last year and moved to yr one this september. In reception there were some complaints about repetative gun play (which calmed down after a while), and this year he has had issues with concentrating in class and issues with getting involved with play fighting at play time. He got repremanded by the head mistress last week for play fighting in the play ground last week so dh and I made an appointment to see her as I was getting worried about the fighting and his inability to concentrate in class.

So we get to the meeting and the headmistress was very helpful and everything. REally very good. But she told us that ds is not responding or reacting to the lessons in the way the other kids are, that he is behind with his writing, and well with everything they do he is just not trying to get the work done. she thinks he has issues with knowing whats real and whats fantasy, talked about getting people in to observe him if he doesnt improve and so on. I went in thinking I was going to get advice about helping him to find more appropriate ways of behaving in class and playing, and came out now thinking he may have special needs. I had no idea it was that bad, how did I not know??

I had been asking the teacher how he was getting on but she hadnt told me it was this serious, unless I just totally missed the point. I was so shocked it felt like a massive slap in the face, I feel like I've failed him totally, like I should have helped him more or something. To top it all I burst into tears and was really tearful in the meeting and Im so embarrased, I just feel so very worried about the whole thing, and just, well so shocked.

Now I keep looking at everything he says and does and keep wondering if it indicates something that's wrong......
I dont know what the point of this thread is really, I know Im being irrational, I just wanted to "talk" to someone about it really. God I hope they dont think im a neurotic mess.

No they won't think that - honestly! More than likely it will just make them more aware of wanting to help your DC and that you are an extremely "normal" Mum. It would have been more worrying if you had got extremely defensive or refused to "hear" what they were saying.
It's futile to say "don't worry" but please do remember that getting someone in to observe him is to help sort out the problem not to label your DS. Also "Special Needs" has a whole spectrum and variety of issues from "just needs a bit of help for a while with reading/socialising or whatever" to very profound and complex disabilities.
Getting help for your son does not necessarily mean he has a [insert your preferred special needs label here].
I hope you start to feel a bit better about it soon.

Headteachers don't keep boxes of tissues on their desk for nothing.

Try not to worry too much, and remember there will be other parents at the school in a similar situation. It is not any sort of failure, but something you'll all have to work on.

And there always be support for you on MN. Hope you get a good sleep.

Don't worry at all! I'm a SENCO and had a meeting with a parent this week to do exactly what this HT has done with you. She cried buckets and blamed herself throughout the meeting! Believe me, we are professionals and can see exactly how difficult it all is for parents. Plus this half term alone I've had 2 Teaching assistants, 4 parents and a teacher crying in my office...I'm not mean honest!

I've heard a statistic that something like 25% of children have some kind of SEN at sometime. For some its transitory, for others its an ongoing thing, but with the right help it is fine.

Do not blame yourself, if there is an issue it is almost certainly a genetic weakness followed by some kind of trigger (and no one knows what these are). It is definitely nothing to do with how you have brought him up, unless you have been a refugee, occupant of a concentration camp or similar.

When my sons problems were first being identified I became a bit school phobic, and lots of parents feel the same. But if you do actually talk to people, especially the more experienced Mums lots of them will have had a child with an SEN.

As for crying on the head, well lots of us do it for all kinds of different reasons. It is very normal.

Please don't feel bad for crying....all headteachers have seen that at some time..and much worse! Ad also remember that in the ba old days before education specialist were so informed, kids were just labelled as naughty or daft.... effort was made to help anyone...SN does not have the stigma is used to....I bet in a class of thirty kids that half of them have some learning issue....it's not a refletion on your pareting!

You made the appoinment....you weren't pulled in but did the right thing in going....you are responsible and interested....your son may have no issues at all!

My own DD had some issues in reception which were flagged up by the HT and she told me we would have to get the profesisionals in! I panicked too!

It turns out that my DD was just being her strange little self.....socially she was...well...odd! And they thought she may have some form of Aspergers...she never but they were justdoing their job in checking to see.

Don't start googling or worrying because chances are your son has no issues and if he does well he will get help now.

thanks everyone. I have just cried again reading all your messages
Rationally, I know its all good, it would be worse if the school didn't do anything. I feel so bad for my son who's been struggling to concentrate for a term and a half and I didn't realise. I had a nice chat with him cuddled up this morning though and told him that we will go and buy him special pens and a new book to write in to help him practice over half term and get better. He looked so relieved .

Im going to try to just be proactive. Crikey don't you surprise yourself with how you react to things sometimes?

I can really relate to that mummytime, I have felt very stressed every time I've been up the school the past two weeks, Ive just wanted to get in and out as quick as possible. Some days I couldnt bear to ask the teacher how he'd been as I couldnt face to hear any more bad reports! Im hoping Im going to soon get to the point where I can do this without feeling on the edge of tears as its embarrassing to be so tearful about it. Though thanks for the reassurances everyone that this is mormal!

We are away this weekend visiting good friends, so Im glad really it will stop me obsessing about it hopefully.

Thanks again everyone foryour kind words

Oh I'll hold my hand up and admit to having burst into tears when called in for a "chat" with DS2's class teacher, who is also the deputy head. It was an ongoing behaviour problem which at the time seemed to be getting worse no matter what we did. This was last year when he was in Year 1. he is now in Year 2 and (cross fingers, touch wood...) it seems to have resolved itself.

Im realyl shocked at this - not you Geraldinethegoat!

My ds plays fighting, guns, wars, goodies and baddies ALL the time at the moment. I hate it and try and explain that guns, fighting are not nice or kind things but they see it on tv, hear it from other kids and its exciting play - its normal!

Also my DS is in y1 again only did Recp from Jan this year then Y1 from Sept - he has struggled big time adapting from free play in recept to more structured activities in Y1. Writing again is coming along the teacher said and this will come in time. For gods sake they are still very young and boys are renouned for not wanting to sit for long periods of time (like the girlies!)writing etc...

I really dont think you have anything to worry about I really do thing your school/teacher/head is over reacting. If anything I would be asking them what they are doing to capture his attention, what methods they are using to bring him along.

Someone told me the Pie Corbett method is excellent for grasping boys attention.

Yes it is normal in many young children, especially boys. However, the school has flagged up that the OP's son is falling outside that normality curve and want to see how they can best support him.
How is that bad or shocking? Early intervention is much more effective than later on, he could be supported now and thrive?
I don't understand why you would want to deny him that chance, dietqueen.

I have cried in the HT's office - I was so embarrassed, but she was very good about it, said it showed I cared..to me it just made me seem a bit mental! DS struggled to concentrate. Year 1 Teacher said he wasn't interested in learning and he wasn't, he wanted to be playing, it was all taken very seriously but there was nothing the school could do - except worry the life out of me. How do you improve a child's concentration after you have ensured all their needs are met?
A bit of time was all that was needed. DS was very young for his year and immature on top of that...he needed time to mature, he was my pfb...I had no perspective and neither had the school. He is improving, he's more interested in his subjects - quite passionate about them in fact.

Boys and poor concentration in the early years of education is a very common problem, that seems to resolve itself.

My son was also behind with reading and writing and had poor concentration skills in the infants. When the school told me they were going to give him some extra help I was so shocked and upset (MY perfect son???!) that I would almost rather they hadn't mentioned it!! Now he is doing very well at GCSE level(!) and I see that he just needed a little bit of targeted extra help to help him along for a while and give him a bit of a boost. This is so, so normal, believe me - especially with boys. You are doing the right thing in trying to help him. And don't worry about crying in the head's office - I now work in a school and the parents who would cause concern would be those who refused to listen, not those who got upset.

Dietqueen - I really dont think you have anything to worry about I really do thing your school/teacher/head is over reacting

I'm sure you mean well - but you have no idea how damaging well meaned comments like this can be. There clearly is a cause for concern otherwide the HT would not be calling in other professionals.

Your son might sound the same as this from this thread - but clearly isn't the same in reality. He has not been referred just because he likes to play with guns....

OP - you are really, really lucky that school have been so proactive and both done something about this, and told you they have concerns. My school never told me they had concerns (when they did) - and that has done an enormous amount of damage.

You have probably got a few scary months ahead of you as things are gradually uncovered. If you need any support come and join us on the SN board. We have all been there....

And of course he may have no SN or SEN which would be fantastic. But if he does - then you are really lucky to be in a supportive, proactive school.

(Oooh, and please, absolutely don't blame yourself. There is no way you should have none. You don't know what a 'normal' five year old is like - and besides any concerns you might have had would probably have been dismissed by well meaning friends and families.)

I've cried a few times in school meetings - don't be embarassed it just shows you care. I even had a meeting recently when the HT started crying which then set me off!

Can't say what may or may not be going on with your son but my own experiences may help. At 2.75 one of my twin sons was rejected by an academically selective pre-prep. and deemed developmentally subnormal (his twin got offered a place that I turned down). Yes, I too cried - although alone, after the phone call from the HT. I then had him assessed for Asperger's - altogether 3 times and he always came just below the diagnostic criteria, with lots of traits but 'not bad enough'. He was slow with writing skills (is fairly dyspraxic), in remedial maths class from age 4 to 7....

He had speech therapy, on the advice of the school and the ST told me frequently that he was obviosuly learning disabled and would never get into any of our local fee-paying schools (the route I'd wanted for my twins). I used to weep silently as I drove the car away from those appointments, believing my child had special needs.

Then, at age 7, BOTH he and his twin got into an academically selective prep. He scored one point ahead of his twin in the entrance tests. It's been onwards and upwards for him ever since.

He's now 9.5 and thriving. He's in the Gifted and Talented group for English and is more than holding his own in the middle group (of 3 sets) in Maths. He has one of the best handwriting of his peers. The teachers love him. He has 3 good friends, despite still being rather Asperger's-like (but then his friends are too).

I'm telling you this to indicate that children can grow and change and develop a LOT over the years from 3 to 7. I could also cite several examples of his peers who've had various challenges - behavioural and otherwise, along the way and who also grow and change. His twin is now my current problem (see G & T but failing at school thread on G & T forum).

The point I want to make to you though is that LOADS of boys have v erratic development, socially and emotionally. LOADS of boys (I know some girls too but I do beleive it's more common in boys) struggle to sit still and focus in our UK schooling system and might do better running around the woods all day playing fighting and guns and den building, kearning 'on the go' rather than sitting still (this is v much where I'm at with the other twin now).

Additionally, some v bright children are especially challenging in peer-group settings and school settings and absolutely LOADS of boys are late developers (my own now rather famous and v successful little brother was deemed the family dud, whilst growing up, with some awful school reports and aggression in the playground).

I still fantasise about going bach to that HT, who told me my son was developmentally subnormal and telling her he's actually G & T and doing much better at present that his supposedly brighter twin these days....but I guess she could only go on the impression she had at the time.

One tack to take with the HT would be to ask her about her previosu experiences with children just like your son at this stage - and she MUST have had loads of others throughout her career. Ask her for examples of similar children who've changed and developed positively across the years. I've done this before with teachers and they can usually cite several examples of 'little Johnnie who was a nightmare in reception and has now just graduated from Oxbridge/ become a millionaire/ is now a HT himself, several yrs on.

Good luck

Thanks so much everyone. sorry for the delay in replying, we have been away to stay with good friends over the weekend, which has greatly helped me to feel less worried. It has been really heartening to read about all of your experiences, thanks so much.

I initially did feel like that, Dietqueen when things were first mentioned, and thank you for your support . But I have noticed that my son is not happy or enjoying his lessons at all, and there must be a reason for that so as much as it is dissappointing that he is needing help, I do think he probably does need help at least to get to grips with being able to concentrate and also I think his confidence has taken a big knock so I need to help him with that too.

He is currently marauding upstairs in a big cardboard castle (ha, how poncey are we!) with his brother. Tomorrow I will take him to buy some nice new pencils and paper and we are going to get practicing with his writing and maths.

I really really wish the teacher had've said something sooner, so that I could have been less impatient with him when he was doing his words at home ( I thought he was just being a bit naughty and not paying attention), and so that we could have thought about ways to help him sooner. I hate the thought that he has been failing to get any of the work done for a term an a half and no one told me .

Still I am trying to be positive and see this as a kick up the backside for us all to do what we can to help, and hopefully that will help, and as you've all said, hopefully this is somehting that will just improve natually over time also.

Thanks again everyone

Also, it's great to hear that so many of your boys who had simmilar issues are now doing great - boys are brilliant aren't they

Ive been in exactly the same place as you ......I cried my head off ......ds is now 17 on his 2nd year of A levels- he just needed extra time to be a 'child'.

Ive been in an opposite situation to you too whereby I knew my ds2 had extra needs and nobody would accept it hes since been diagnosed with a long term health issue.

Ive also sat next to a HT whilst shes mentioned things to other parents and as a nursery nurse Ive supported parents.

Its not the end of the world.
You are not a negligent Mum children dont come with a rules and regulations book and whats normal for one child is way off scale for another,the HT hasnt said theres definitely an issue its something they are looking at in order to understand him ,we are all different we have individual needs -he is no different from the rest of the children in the playground.

It may become that he needs extra support to develop and mature hes still your perfect little ds,hes unique in his own way,Rivens DD is disabled quite profoundly and she is perfect in her way.

Sometimes there are things that go on in our lives that we cannot change yet we still cry and grieve over what might have been what should have been instead of what actually is.

Your ds will get a diagnosis and you and your dh will support him whatever the outcomes,now dry your eyes I believe theres a small child waiting to play a shooting game with you .

Geraldine, I have wept buckets in front of professionals over the last few years - I have never been embarrassed, more annoyed with myself for my emotions getting the better of me! My ds does have SN but that doesn't mean he isn't a loving and gorgeous son who needs extra help at school, I accept that (now). It is better to get help early, your son sounds fine to me, special needs can cover anything from dyspraxia, dyslexia etc.

But sometimes it is just a transitional issue and he might just be learning at his own pace and catch up fairly quickly. Some children don't enjoy drawing/writing - my ds didn't when he was 4 but now he is six and he loves drawing and writing - he might not be as good as some of his peers but he is enthusiastic. I have always made paper and pens etc available to my dc, they just help themselves from a set of drawers full of craft stuff.
Hth, don't be too hard on yourself, which might be easier said than done!

Erm he sounds like most young(summer bday) Y1 boys to me. It's really early early days,he's only done 11/2 terms!!!!It takes time to settle into school routine especially for boys.

Do you think that the teachers and the head lack experience with YR and Y1 boys MilaMae?

Sorry but the head does sound very unexperienced if she thinks a 4 year old boy play fighting and not concentrating has serious problems. Think she might be being a tad hasty in labeling him as having issues.

I'm an ex rec,Y1 and Y2 teacher and sorry but gun fighting/play fighting is normal. They need to learn to tone it down in the playground but that takes time especially when the child has had the sum total of 1 term in rec and 6 weeks in Y1. Boys need and like rough and tumble.

Re concentration again this takes time,he's so little and a boy. Most 4 year olds I know aren't good at long periods of concentration.

And op if it helps I have 7 year old twin boys(Sep births so some of the oldest) and 1 of mine sounded very similar re the concentration. Being a twitchy teacher I compared him to his swotty twin and got sent away with a flea in my ear and a reminder of all of the above each time I checked all was ok. They've just started Y2 and he's really getting there now with the concentration as basically he's growing up.

My dc's school is "outstanding" with a pretty easy intake(very few problem kids) and the behavior you've described sounds par for the course of boys of that age ie 4. Well it was with dtwin 1 and his mates.

geraldinetheluckygoat it knocks you sideways, doesn't it?

I will tell you now, this will go one of three ways.

1. You will accept any and all assessment deemed necessary, and you will be told that your DS is simply 'slightly immature' - no SEN.

2. You will accept any and all assessment deemed necessary, and you will be told that your DS has some SEN, but with targetted support, he will catch up within a few terms.

3. You will accept any and all assessment deemed necessary, and you will be told that your DS has a long-lasting SN, that is currently giving him SEN, and with the right support he will gradually make progress.

I can tell you now, that no matter which way this goes, you will not regret allowing him to be observed to identify his best chance of success.

My DD1 started preschool, and within weeks the Preschool leader and the SENCO approached me to say that they thought DD1 was 'slightly behind' and would 'benefit from some 1:1' and that they couldn't give her the 'attention she needed'. Could they have her observed? Of course I said 'Yes'.

The area Inclusion Co-ordinator came, said DD1 was 'slightly immature' and needed full 1:1 support! I was concerned, and asked for a referral to a Paediatrician. I was stunned, because I had been told DD was fine when I asked the HV.

DD1 ended up falling for no reason, and fast-tracked to the hospital. The SHO kept us in overnight, and said to me 'I think you'll be seeing quite a lot of us....'; next day we saw three Consultant Paeds, one of which decided that we fit his field the best. Cut a long story short, she has a brain malformation and epilepsy.

She now has a place at a Special School, and I am so grateful to the Head of the Preschool and the SENCO for being brave enough to approach me when they did. It gave me 4 weeks to get my head thinking 'there is something...' before she started falling over.

Now, I can't tell you that your DS has significant needs. I hope that he doesn't, and I hope that his needs are short-term. BUT what I do know, is that there are so many posters on the SN section who are begging their child's school to take them seriously, to refer them for help, etc. It would be a travesty if you were encouraged to ignore or downplay this.

Believe me, the media hype is rubbish. It is NOT easy to get help with SN or SEN, and it is NOT easy to get a diagnosis unless there are significant needs. So PLEASE don't worry about your DS being 'labelled' - just concentrate on taking any and all help offered.

If your DS has minor needs, they will have him off that SEN register quicker than you would believe.

thanks again everyone. Lougle, thanks for sharing your experience, Im glad that your dd is getting the help that she needs. Believe me when I say, I wholeheartedly will not refuse an assessment, or be awkward about it. The way I see it is that if there is something (and there COULD be - ds can be extreemely hard work sometimes, and he can be a little quirky) then its better that it is investigated and he gets the help he needs. I totally totally get that.
I know I sounded horrified at the thought of him being diagnosed with a sen, it was just such a massive shock, but I would never stand in the way of the school trying to do their job, I recognise that they want to help him, and I am glad of that.
I think the head is very experienced. I have no idea about the teacher, she seems youngish and has been at the school, I think, a couple of years although Im not sure im right on that! I sometimes feel like she wants to roll her eyes when Im talking to her, but I can go on a bit haha! I am going to work on the relationship and try and win her over, as she'll be more inclined to look positively on DS then

geraldine, I totally got that from your OP - don't worry! Honestly, if she is flagging possible SEN, then she does look positively on your DS, because she doesn't think he's being naughty or disrespectful, just that he's possibly missing the 'cues' that he should be picking up on to modulate his behaviour.

Let us know how you get on, and if you want a safe place to chat about your DS's 'quirks' or how much hard work he is, pop over to the SN board - even if he doesn't have any SN, there might be some of us who have dealt with the same struggles with our children and can at least give virtual tea and cake - we're good at that

Thanks so much, Lougle, I really appreciate that I will let you know how we get on, thanks for being so lovely.