Christ what is wrong with me? I cried in the Headmistresses office today....

[geraldinetheluckygoat]

Ds started reception for one term last year and moved to yr one this september. In reception there were some complaints about repetative gun play (which calmed down after a while), and this year he has had issues with concentrating in class and issues with getting involved with play fighting at play time. He got repremanded by the head mistress last week for play fighting in the play ground last week so dh and I made an appointment to see her as I was getting worried about the fighting and his inability to concentrate in class.

So we get to the meeting and the headmistress was very helpful and everything. REally very good. But she told us that ds is not responding or reacting to the lessons in the way the other kids are, that he is behind with his writing, and well with everything they do he is just not trying to get the work done. she thinks he has issues with knowing whats real and whats fantasy, talked about getting people in to observe him if he doesnt improve and so on. I went in thinking I was going to get advice about helping him to find more appropriate ways of behaving in class and playing, and came out now thinking he may have special needs. I had no idea it was that bad, how did I not know??

I had been asking the teacher how he was getting on but she hadnt told me it was this serious, unless I just totally missed the point. I was so shocked it felt like a massive slap in the face, I feel like I've failed him totally, like I should have helped him more or something. To top it all I burst into tears and was really tearful in the meeting and Im so embarrased, I just feel so very worried about the whole thing, and just, well so shocked.

Now I keep looking at everything he says and does and keep wondering if it indicates something that's wrong......
I dont know what the point of this thread is really, I know Im being irrational, I just wanted to "talk" to someone about it really. God I hope they dont think im a neurotic mess.

Just thought I'd update the latest ridiculous details....

went to parents evening today. The parents meetings were in the middle of the classroom, whith all of the other parents milling around looking at the kids work. You could hear hte teacher telling all the parents where their kids were behind/ahead/doing well.
She had a sheet of paper each for literacy, numeracy and handwriting, with three columns in - kids who are behind, kids who are on target and kids who are ahead. All the childrens names are on the sheet, so you could see who was doing well and who wasnt.

So it gets to out turn. In light of what the head mistress had told us before (see the OP), I was expecting ds to be in the blue "behind" column. So imagine my surprise when he is is on target for all but handwriting.

We said that we had come away from our meeting with the head with the impression that ds was struggling with everything. Indeed, the head had told us that he had not been able to be assessed for these charts since he hadnt done enough work. (the charts were dated before our meeting with the head). Teacher looked perplexed and surprised.

We mentioned that the head had said that he may need to be assesed by "experts". Teacher looked surprised and like a rabbit caught in headlights. She said head may have based this suggestion on the two times she had observed ds in class. We commented that the head had said that she had got some information from the class teacher too.
Teacher said that she certainly didnt think that we needed to be as worried as we had been.

Mentioned the concern about DS not knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. And my absolute surprise at this and belief that this just simply isnt the case. Teacher said, "its things like sometimes he says 'when I put my gloves on I have supersonic speed, and when I hold this keyring I have a magic forcefield'" I explained that he is imaginative and likes to play at being a superhero, but certainly doesnt REALLY believe that he IS a superhero....

So that was confusing. Did the head really tell us that ds had not been able to be assessed when he blatently had? Why was she talking about special needs when the class teacher didnt know anything about it? Why do they hate imaginary play so much?? Why did the head say he was struggling so much when he is actually doing reasonably well??

On the plus side, he has been on a star chart for his play fighting, which has stopped, and his concentrating, which he has managed to do pretty well. So things are looking up for him

I am cross with the head though. I just cant understand how the teacher and the head can have such different ideas, and she clearly didnt discuss the outcome of our meeting with the teacher afterwards. I feel I have really lost faith in the school. We aer going to look at another school around the corner from us on monday, and if it looks good, we might move him I think.

I have to say I'd quite welcome an outsider assessing my DC in your situation. As it seems so confusing. Either there is a problem which the teacher and head see differently, and you just aren't spotting. Or one or other of them seems to have a quite limited way of expecting kids to behave.

(Actually for the imaginative stuff he seems quite bright.)

Good luck!

Yes, very confusing. I think we are planning to change schools now, and let the new school know his previous issues. If they still find an issue with him (I suspect he WILL still need support with getting work done and concentrating), then I will absolutely go with it and see what they conclude...

tbh, his nursery school teachers whom Ive spoken to this week have been as gobsmacked as us. Although yr1 is starkly different from nursery, the nursery was excellent, and when talking to them and reading reports from them, I really got the feeling that they absolutely knew my child and his personality. Plus his teacher was very experienced with special needs. Ah I dont know.
Thanks, Mummytime for the good luck!

Bloody hell! Does not sound at all good that head and teacher hold such diff opinions and don't communicate.

Def think you are right to be looking at another school. All these weeks of worry you've had!

if there are problems ( which it doesn't sound like there are) then you will definately need to be in a school with great communication.

It's crazy isn't it? TBH, if I had gone to that meeting with the head on my own, I would be now thinking that I had drastically got the wrong end of the stick, but DH was there too, and is much more level headed than me and remembers it the same. (Plus as he is a geek, he made notes on his iphone ).

I am very relieved that my son isn't struggling as much as I thought though.

DH is going to phone the head today, he wants to talk to her about it. If it were up to me, I would just rather slink out the back door quietly. I actually felt really sorry for ds's teacher last night, as she has really helped ds and he has improved, but working under that head must be a nightmare for her. What a position to be placed in.

I actually feel quite cross about this the more I think about it, I have had one person who works with the school say that this isn't the first story they have heard of this happening and another person suggesting I write to the governers. The past few weeks have been so stressful, and alright, I DO stress a lot about stuff, but its been a big worry, even for level headed dh.

Does anyone think I should complain? Write a letter to ofsted? Or is there no point?

I honestly think you should just move schools.

It will be the most effective and least stressful thing to do in the long run.

After you have left then you could complain to the governors.

I have been in a bad school and moved to a good school - and this really smells like a bad school to me.

geraldine - just thought that I'd say that your boy sounds very similar to mine and several of his friends - they are forever playing various things that involve play fights - and of course their coats, gloves etc get used as props for that imaginative play.

Ds is desperately fidgety and finds it really difficult to do something without fiddling with something else - but information seems to be leaking in somehow, even when you think he's not been paying any attention at all.

And lots of boys are behind girls of the same age in terms of writing - although it is good to practise wiht them.

If his current teacher is good and has helped him, I wonder whether its worth the stress of a change in school? However, the influence of the head might be pervasive - in which case its certainly worth weighing up carefully.

Good luck whatever!

I would ask for a meeting with the HT again, and just go in and ask for an update. Did the HT commit to a plan for assessments etc when you met before? What was the follow-up supposed to be with you?
Explain (not aggressively) that the teacher's feedback didn't seem to fit with the HT discussion and ask what the current thinking is. If the HT is any good then she will have spoken to the class teacher in prep for meeting with you.

After hearing her point of view & the latest info you'll be able to explain how your last few weeks have been in a way which is appropriate when you've had a chance to understand her side of things.

A move will be disruptive for your DS and the other school may handle it no better. It'd be unusual that a HT who was keen to talk to you about the possible problems was then not going to ensure follow-up.

Good luck.

I don't understand what is wrong with imaginative play either but schools really dont seem to like it. Makes it particularly hard when you are a parent of a child like that.

Hmm. There was no mention of a follow up meeting with the head, or the teacher, it was left as "we will see how it goes." We made the initial appointment with the head to talk about the trouble he had been getting in with playfighting. Otherwise, I think that the first we would have heard (or not heard) about the problems would have been at Parents Evening.

The current teacher is ok, the star chart they have him on for lessons has helped him to concentrate. However I think that I will go and look at the other school as they have a reputation for more dynamic teaching - they have an allotment in the playground and an outdoor class room, and I have heard from the teachers at the nursery that it has a reputation for "thinking out of the box" with regards to teaching. Hopefully that might mean that ds finds school a little more interesting....maybe

oh, sorry Cattila, didnt answer your q properly, no she didnt commit to a plan of assessments. The general plan was to start him on these star charts and to practise timed maths and spellings and other activities to improve pencil grip. She said that if those things dont improve how he is in the class, then we will have to get an expert in to observe him. She kept saying, "Im not sure if the problem is in here [tapping her head] or here [holding up fingers]" - Ie, has he special needs or does he need to practise and improve pencil grip more. But she also implied that he had done very little work, so little in fact that they simply didn't know what he was capable of, and looking at his books and the assessments that they hve done so far, this just doesn't really ring true. They HAD been able to assess him, he wasnt behind the rest of the class at all, as she had suggested. That makes me cross.