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Original poster

Friend not allowed to come and play

52 replies

magicmummy1 · 25/09/2010 16:53

My dd is five and in year 1. She is a very confident, gregarious little girl with lots of friends, and she gets invited to plenty of parties, playdates etc, so she doesn't miss out overall. However, in the last few months, she has started to identify one little girl in her class in particular as her "best friend", and the feeling seems to be fairly mutual.

She is really eager to invite this little girl to our house and in fact, we have invited her a few times, but the parents of the child in question do not allow any of their seven children to go for playdates, birthday parties etc - they seem to have a very busy family life which revolves around church, kumon and loads of extra-curricular activities.

I respect the right of the parents to bring up their kids in whatever way they see fit, even if I don't agree with it, but my little girl is finding this really hard to deal with, and has been quite tearful about this recently. She also keeps talking about how "mean" her friend's mummy is - I want to discourage this, but secretly I can't help feeling a bit the same way! Blush

Any tips as to how I can help her deal with this?

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pinkbasket · 25/09/2010 16:55

Tell her that some mummies do different things with their children and she will have to make the most of the time they have together at school. Try not to let your disapproval of her mother show.

ChasingSquirrels · 25/09/2010 16:56

you just need to explain to your daughter that it is nothing to do with her, but that her friend can't come over out of school because that is her friend's family rules.

trefusis · 25/09/2010 16:56

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Original poster
magicmummy1 · 25/09/2010 16:58

Thanks pinkbasket. I am trying not to let my own views show, and I have given her the whole talk on how all families are different and that's OK, but she is still getting upset. I have no idea what the other child thinks about it all, or whether she is bothered - she seems perfectly happy tbh so I guess she just accepts it!

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FranSanDisco · 25/09/2010 16:59

You need to encourage your dd to have lots of friends and not just focus on this one 'special' friend. Dd had this at a similar age. The parents were very religious and probably thought their dd would be influenced by dd's possessions e.g they didn't agree with dressing up clothes. Once I got to know them and they my they did allow her to come to play and reciprocated.

Original poster
magicmummy1 · 25/09/2010 17:04

FranSanDisco, she does have lots of friends, and plenty of playdates etc. I know there's nothing we can do about this particular friend, and at the end of the day, it's up to the parents. It's just that she is struggling to really understand, and no matter how much I explain that it has nothing to do with her, it feels to her like a rejection. :(

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activate · 25/09/2010 17:15

Have you spoken to the other mother and been told this directly or is it playground gossip?

Have to say when you have a few kids of different ages playdates are simply not convenient in the main, and most particularly when the child they are going to play with is an eldest or an only and your child is the youngest.

Maybe if you speak to her and ask if it would be possible for her to come and play and that you're happy to bring her back after at a time that suits you might get a different answer?

defyingravity · 25/09/2010 17:24

We don't do playdates either. Dd has various activities and ds has a couple now, dh works away frm home 2 nights per week and I work. It is just impossible. We don't have a spare night free.

It is a lot more difficult when you have the needs of two childrne to deal with and unfortunately your dd is just going to have to accept that is the way things are with her friend.

Original poster
magicmummy1 · 25/09/2010 17:24

The other mother hasn't actually told me this directly, but I have invited the little girl a few times (have asked about suitable days of the week, offered to drop her back home etc), and her response has always been that they are too busy. And my daughter's friend has told dd that she is not allowed to go to parties/playdates.

I realise that you can't rely on everything that a five year old child says, but I have heard the same from several other parents, including those with older children who are friendly with this child's older sisters. I don't know why they're not keen on playdates etc - maybe cultural or religious reasons Confused - but for some reason, they clearly don't approve! :(

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Original poster
magicmummy1 · 25/09/2010 17:27

I know she has to accept it, defyinggravity, and I do realise that it's difficult for some families. It's just hard for a five year old to get her head around! Grin

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WhatsWrongWithYou · 25/09/2010 17:28

You could offer to bring the girl home from school and drop her off afterwards, so that this mother doesn't have to break into her routine to pick her up.

But she may still say no as she might see that as starting a precedent for the others - not fair that X went to a friend's house, etc.

Is your DD an only? Not inferring anything from this, just that if she's not used to fitting around other peoples' schedules it might be more difficult for her to understand.

I've always done my utmost to honour playdates for my three, although they've never done a lot of outside activities - but even with three it can be tricky.

She obviously finds a blanket ban is what works for her family. Hard to get a 5 yo to see it this way, though.

All you can do is reassure her it's not personal - and put yourself in the other mum's shoes so you sound convincing!

BuckBuckMcFate · 25/09/2010 17:29

They have seven children to accomodate. I'm not surprised that they are not so keen on playdates. I would imagine that they have to be pretty organised wrt extra curricular activities and they may also feel that their children don't need playdates as there is always a sibling at home to entertain them.

Anenome · 25/09/2010 18:00

Have you offered for the Mother to come too? perhaps bringing some siblings? Some parents are very over protective....

Original poster
magicmummy1 · 25/09/2010 18:10

I haven't invited the mother along tbh, though I have sometimes invited other parents - I think I just assumed that she would be too busy. Might be worth a try, and we wouldn't mind if a few siblings tagged along! Grin

I have offered to pick the little girl up from school and drop her home etc, but perhaps you're right, WhatsWrongWithYou, about the mother not wanting to set precedents. I can understand that juggling 7 children would be hard work for anyone, and I don't want to criticise the parents for the way that they do things. I just want to cheer up my little girl

She is an only child, FWIW, and I guess that's why playdates are so important to her. She has plenty of other friends to play with, including two lovely kids across the road from us. She is just finding it hard to accept that she can't play with this particular little friend. I know it isn't the end of the world! Grin

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wingandprayer · 25/09/2010 18:26

Good god I missed the 7 kids bit on the first read. No wonder they have to skip playdates and parties, would be phenomenally difficult to treat all the kids equally, there just aren't enough minutes in the day.

Imagine the costs too- each child has say 10 parties a year (underestimating here, mine has 20+ a year invites), £10 a pop on a gift, that's £700 a year on gifts, let alone the time required to buy 70 gifts!!!

It is sad the little girl has to miss out but understandable I think in this situation. Must be tricky for a 5 year old to understand, they just get so obsessed with friends sometimes don't they? Just keep repeating the same message 'it's not personal, it's just tricky for her mum and borthers/sisters because they are very busy' I reckon, eventually will be absorbed.

nlondondad · 25/09/2010 19:47

Also depends on their religion.

If they are Exclusive Brethern they will not allow their children to socialise with anyone outside the church.

They also do not approve of birth control.

At some point, if this is true, your daughter will be learning a lesson that not all religion is the same, and that the practices and beliefs of some groups really questionable.

(well questioned by me, anyway)

BeenBeta · 25/09/2010 20:18

Our DSs do not have playdates but go to a lot of extra curricular activity after school and holiday. Something virtually every day. Friends come and stay at weekends and often DSs have something on then as well. DSs go to birthday parties too.

With 7 DCs I am not surprised the mother in question does not do playdates.

LatteLady · 25/09/2010 21:08

I was going to suggest that they might be part of one of the Brethren groups... difficult as it may be to accept this, it is not personal.

seeker · 25/09/2010 22:57

I can just about undertand why a parent of 7 might find it difficcult to arrange having friend home to tea, but I don;t see why one of the children couldn't go. Could you talk to the mother directly? If there's a cultural or religious reason then she;ll tell you and you can explain to your dd. One of my ds's friends is a Jehova's Witness and he isn;t allowed to go to birthday parties or Christmas celebrations, but he is allowed to come to tea.

As for you other "no playdate" people - shame on you!

aegeansky · 26/09/2010 13:21

Agree with SanFranDisco. We told DC at a similar age that it was a good idea to have several good friends, not just one best friend.

Seems to have worked and the idea is spreading more widely - it's everyone's problem at some stage as friendships are rarely symmetrical for long at this stage of life.

seaShoreLonging · 26/09/2010 13:46

Maybe suggest play dates in holidays?

If not why not say the girl has lots of siblings to play with so is busy?

I have three - only eldest in school but younger DC look forward to having her around and tea, homework with younger ones round, DH and bedtime routines take up all the weekday evening time - it is very hectic and change in routines can be very disruptive.

With 7 - even ten minutes reading or homework help is over an hour to find every evening. Even if they are older and more independent - 7 bedtimes - 7 kids to find time to talk to ....

School holidays - there more time and the kids get sick of each other so play dates then would be easier and more welcome. Or suggest you met up in park/neutral location with all the family so the girls can play and family can get to know you all?

Maybe the girl isn't that keen ? My eldest DC can appear talkative, and friendly in environments she is comfortable in - but clings like a limpet in strange places even with friends she knows well - trying to settle her with younger kids in toe who'd kick off or want to stop - hell.

I don't hide DD away but pick activities that are regular and weekly so she feels comfortable and builds her confidence. This might be what the 'loads of activities' in this family is about.

We do do parties but weekday parties - no car and two younger kids in toe can be difficult -

Having read this thread I'm now worried that other parents with more family to help with childcare or less children must think we are sinister, mean or weird rather than just busy and exhausted.

emy72 · 26/09/2010 14:10

We have 4 children and tbh my kids don't have any playdates from school as they have never once asked!

We do have a really mental life in the week and at weekends are very busy with family and friends so although my children have a really good social life, it doesn't revolve around school friends.

However if one of my children was dead keen on having a friend round I would accommodate it - maybe worth talking to the mum in question?

It does get more insular with 4 kids, I can't imagine with 7!!! :o))))

QuintessentialShadows · 26/09/2010 14:15

If I had 7 children, and a busy life, I wouldnt do playdates either. If she does let her dd come to yours, then your dd will expect to be invited to hers.

You cant just "boss" people around just because your precious dd wants THIS particular girl visit her home. You have already offered, and the offer has not been accepted, I think you should let it be now.

c0rns1lk · 26/09/2010 14:19

She is probably concerned about having to reciprocate the playdate. Could be a bit of a nightmare for her. Probably easier for her to just say no to your dd for now.

megapixels · 26/09/2010 14:22

Just accept that this family doesn't do playdates, no reason is necessary tbh, if you accept it your daughter will too.

Mine don't do playdates either, we used to have children over to play when DD1 was younger (but I've never sent her anywhere to play) and I got fed up of the whole thing pretty quickly. I have no intention of looking after other people's kids, and at 5 you are doing a bit of looking after, so don't know why I put myself through that. Felt very liberating to stop them all and I can hand on heart say that DD1 never missed it. I've also found, IME, that it's always the parents who push for and encourage playdates, the kids themselves never ask for it. I suppose if it is an only child it is different though, mine are always playing with each other so probably don't feel the need to ask to play with schoolfriends.