Friend not allowed to come and play

[magicmummy1]

My dd is five and in year 1. She is a very confident, gregarious little girl with lots of friends, and she gets invited to plenty of parties, playdates etc, so she doesn't miss out overall. However, in the last few months, she has started to identify one little girl in her class in particular as her "best friend", and the feeling seems to be fairly mutual.

She is really eager to invite this little girl to our house and in fact, we have invited her a few times, but the parents of the child in question do not allow any of their seven children to go for playdates, birthday parties etc - they seem to have a very busy family life which revolves around church, kumon and loads of extra-curricular activities.

I respect the right of the parents to bring up their kids in whatever way they see fit, even if I don't agree with it, but my little girl is finding this really hard to deal with, and has been quite tearful about this recently. She also keeps talking about how "mean" her friend's mummy is - I want to discourage this, but secretly I can't help feeling a bit the same way!

Any tips as to how I can help her deal with this?

The children in my sons class who are Jehovas Witness, dont do playdates, and they dont go to birthday parties either.

For goodness sake, QuintessentialShadows, I'm not trying to "boss" anyone around - I didn't come on here asking for advice about how to change the parents' minds, and I have already said that I respect their decision even if I don't agree with it. It's their family, their rules.

However, there are reasons why my dd is especially keen to play with this particular child which I don't especially want to go into on here, and I think this is why she is getting so upset. I have already accepted that there is nothing we can do about this, and have told dd that she has to just accept it too - I just wanted some ideas to help her feel a bit less hurt and upset about the whole thing.

Anyway, thanks all for the replies. I don't know (or need to know) the reason for the parents' decision - it could well be religious, as some have suggested, or it could simply be that the family is too busy. At the end of the day, that's their issue.

I just wanted some ideas to help her feel a bit less hurt and upset about the whole thing.

Well encourage other friendships - have other people over, enroll her on some after school activities so she meets other children and life is busier. Offer to do something she'll enjoy when she seems upset.

Ditch the ' I secretly think they are being mean' attitude that however hidden you think it is I bet you DD is picking up on. Show some understanding of other peoples constraints and thus understand its not personal.

It is very odd that your DD is so upset - could the friendship be more one sided than she wants to admit - in which case encouraging other friends is a must as is building social confidence.

SeaShoreLonging

Do you actually know any 5 year old girls? It's not "very odd" that the OP's child feels emotional about this....5 year old grls can get emotional if their friend is off school for a day! Never mind their special friend not being allowed over for a playdate!

I think you should tell your dd to not ask her friend again as she migt make her more upset thanshe already is
she must feel sad watching dd have other friends over and not her already

SeaShoreLonging

Do you actually know any 5 year old girls? It's not "very odd" that the OP's child feels emotional about this....5 year old girls can get emotional if their friend is off school for a day! Never mind their special friend not being allowed over for a playdate!

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My eldest is a five year old girl just gone into year 1 - and I know many of her friends and their mothers - also know other mothers with reception five years olds through younger DC. I also still have friends with five/ six year old girls in the city we used to live in - so actually know a lot - do these not count for some reason - are they all 'odd'?

Sometimes you can't do things -sometimes big much anticipated events have to be missed or can't be arranged. My 5 year old can grasp this - a lot of her classmates have been in this situation -even my 3 year old can grasp this and has had to at times.

If the DC has had the explanation is not possible but keeps asking and getting upset - I'd be concerned and IME it's odd.

If a direct approach to other mother hasn't worked - playing the whole thing down and encouraging other play dates or activities is the only option.

Unfortunately you can't always give five year old girls everything they want for example the party invite everyone else has - been there had to deal with - an oh well, they can't invite everyone one, cuddle, change of topic, comic way home and big day out so she had something special to talk about back at school - not ideal but upset didn't last.

Worse one of my DD class mates was a twin - one twin got invite to party other didn't. They let the one go and took other one out for special day - both girls had great times.

seashore, thanks for your thoughts, but I really don't see what's so odd about a small child being disappointed that she cannot play with a special friend from time to time. She's perfectly able to deal with minor disappointments of the sort you mention and does so without any fuss, but those are one-off occasions that can quickly be forgotten, whereas this is an ongoing situation that isn't going to change, and she finds it hard to understand because she doesn't know the reason for it. If you find that odd, then fair enough, but that's how my dd feels and I am not going to belittle her feelings. Fwiw, she does accept that her friend can't play, and she isn't asking me to do anything about it, she is merely expressing her disappointment and frustration about the situation which is beyond her own control and that of her friend.

As I said in my initial post, she has lots of other friends and plenty of playdates, and she also does plenty of extra-curricular stuff outside of school. I've seen her with this other little girl enough to know that the friendship is reciprocated, and I am quite sure this isn't a confidence issue. There are reasons why playing with this little friend is particularly important to her, but of course it isn't the end of the world and I'm sure she'll get over it.

Thanks to all for their thoughts, and yes, bigchris, I will advise dd not to talk about it with her friend in case the other child feels she is missing out.

You know magicmummy I am not sure exactly what advice you are asking, as you are keen to disagree with most that is said here, and discount a lot of posters own experiences and thoughts.

However, I think the crux of the matter is in the fact that your girl is a popular girl, by what you are saying "She is a very confident, gregarious little girl with lots of friends, and she gets invited to plenty of parties, playdates etc, " and as such seem to have had very little experience in dealing with disappointments. This may be why she is making a big thing out of it. I do also find it odd that she is refusing to accept the situation.

On the other hand, the other girl seem perfectly happy to NOT play with your dd after school, possibly because 1. she sees no need to play with your dd after school because she has no expectations of after school playdates, and she is already very busy. Bear in mind that this little girls knows her own family and the activities they get up to, she probably knows better than your dd and you just how busy they are. And if your dd is unable to understand that there is no time, this little girl probably does.

Is your child an only child? Is she used to getting her way?
With 7 children you cannot let your kids be the boss of you, you need to stick to a routine, and I would imagine their life is run with military precision, with school pickups and afterschool activities, and it must be really hard to start throwing the routine away.

To be honest, you do seem to go on a bit, you say you have suggested many playdates, many ways of resolving the "problem".

You dont appear to be really listening to this other mum, it must be extremely embarassing for her to have to rebutt you time and again, because your dd wants to play with her dd, so you keep asking without much thought to their family set up.

It is hard for a parent to discover that not all children like your child as much as you would like, and it is hard to deal with their disappointment when they dont get to do or see who or what they want, but this is just one of the many challenges of parenting. But could it be that this family is not really that keen on your family? Maybe they find you a bit pushy?

I have two children, 8 and 5. When my oldest son was 5 and in year 1, he had a special friend in the class, and this friend was never allowed on playdates. My son accepted this, and did not keep asking. If this qualifies me to comment.

Also, after a long day in school, my kids are more keen to see us and eachother, and go to their activities, than to play with a child they have seen and played with all day.

magicmummy

It's not odd...sometimes people on here act as though their children are the most sensible and pragmatic kids in the world....at 5 most little girls are apt to nag about ther little social lives! Ignore the people who are saying it's not reasonable ...she'll get over it soon

"they seem to have a very busy family life "

That probably sums it up. With all the things going on in their home, there is probably no need for playdates etc.

At age 5 my children were indifferent to playdates and to a certain extent school birthday parties. They preferred their siblings company and mostly played with friends during school hours.

sorry you seem to think I'm belittling your dd feelings.

I do 'get' that little things can be big things to them and should be treated sympathetically (while helping them to 'move on' ) but perhaps I've become a bit hardened unfortunately my DC have had to put up with a lot of bad things in their lives - I've name changed since but nearly losing their father this year was the worst - it tends to put minor upsets in perspective for everyone.

I was just trying to suggesting that you check the play date things isn't actually another issue in disguise - ie she latching onto one DC as she struggling with making friend with other DCs or something else but from what you say that they aren't any such issue - so sorry I mentioned it.

If your DD is just venting frustration about a situation out side of her control - I can't image that there is anything anyone can do for her.

Having re-read thread I still find the lack of empathy towards other people situations and automatic assumption that other girl is 'missing out' and must be pitted odd.

Perhaps it's guilt I haven't done play dates for exactly 12 months.

Oh, that is a shame for your dd. Think you just have to keep reassuring her the other family is too busy with seven kids to organise and take round to after-school activities - it's no slight on her, just that different families run their lives in different ways.

I get that this family are v. busy but it is a little sad for their dd that she's not allowed to play with her best friend outside school. Do you ever bump into them in the park or anywhere else?

I perceive that you have been unfairly treated in some replies, OP ;).

We have similar issues -- I dunno why, but some of DD's friends never seem to have "time" to come over . They always claim to be busy no matter how willing I am to fetch and return their child at whatever times and on whatever days are convenient for them. I just fuzzily tell DD that it doesn't work for the other family to let their child come play, can she think of someone else? Eventually DD has come to terms. I think you have to let your DD think what she likes of the other mother (you can say that you disagree, but don't tell her she's wrong in her disappointment). Try to encourage her not to dwell on it all, just move on to what is possible in terms of invited friends.

Eventually the other girl will be old enough to organise her own social life, things change a lot when that happens.

ps: I know loads of people with 6+ children (mostly lower income families, come to think of it, so no nannies helping out) who manage fine letting their DC have independent social lives!! Maybe the low income thing is the crux, not as likely to be doing Kumon or many EC activities, I guess.

magicmummy1, I think it?s definitely worth trying to find out whether the cause is that this other mum is embarrassed that she wouldn?t be able to reciprocate (and with 7 kids who can blame her!).

DD has a best friend whose mother told us that she ?doesn?t do? sleepovers (no idea why, none of our business). We made it equally plain that that was absolutely fine, but we still have her DD for a sleepover every few weeks because she?s a delightful little girl and it really isn?t a problem for us.

Of course, it could be for an entirely different reason, but I see no harm in saying something like: ?DD would really like your daughter to come and play one afternoon, but we quite understand that it might not be possible for you to ask her back?? and see what she says.

Could be the little girl doesn't want to go on a playdate with your dd (for whatever reason) and "We're too busy" is an excuse so as not to offend.

How old are their other children? Perhaps they all have enough going on in their lives that they have no need for playdates at primary age.

am sure it's not personal, i do know a mum from school who has 4 dc's and they have a no playdates rule, mainly because if 1 had a friend over, they'd all want a friend, and all of a sudden, you have 8 kids in your house. then to stagger playdates just becomes complicated. that's with 4 dc's, this family have 7, i doubt it's down to anything other than what's practical. best way to tackle it is to move on, distract your dd with invites for other kids to come after school.

Agree with Neytiri about having other children back possibly being a bit much if there are a few siblings.

Wow I think it is really important to have activities that don't just revolve around your "family", that is really restrictive for her.

I would explain that is is not because the other little girl doesn't like her, just that some families do things differently and some children are not allowed to go on playdates. This is a girl you can play with at school only for now.

I have 2 boys followed by 2 girls and they pair up really well.They don't particularly need or want anybody else over,especially not during termtime when they've spent all day with their school friends.

I am probably perceived as being like the other mother. Dd is forever being invited to playdates but I very rarely accept. It's not because I am busy or snobbish or anything like that though. Dd has autism and although it is pretty much unnoticeable in school because of the structure and the TA support. In a situation where there are plenty of unknowns and I am not there on hand to intervene if necessary then I am not comfortable to offload dd.
I also have an older ds with autism who would find extra small people very difficult and although I trust him implicitly with dd I am not positive that in a situation where a small child was unpredictable, noisy or tried to enter his space that he wouldn't lash out.
Because I can't return an invitation then I tend to decline tbh.
Maybe there are situations you aren't aware of at her friend's home too.

asdx2 Could you not go too? My DD is 6 and her friend from school came recently to play...she has quite a lot of needs and is Autistic...her Mum came too. They played wonderfully.

My DD and her friend played wonderfully...not the Mum! She just had coffee and buns with me! although a game of twister might have been a laugh!

In response to Seeker's post re playdates - "As for you other "no playdate" people - shame on you!" I understand what you're saying, but we do not all come from the same place, the similar life styles nor consequently have the same experiences: I think it is a question of parental choice, maintaining parenting integrity and child safety, over giving the child different experiences: It needs to be decided on as one sees fit, whether for personal, practical, religious reasons and which after a few attempts to have a playdate, if still unsuccessful, should be respected. Over the past decade, my 30s to 40s adult children have spoken of friends, who they found out were sexually abused on play dates by the playmates' older sibling, who in turn had been abused by their fathers. It explains why some of their friends became troubled teens, with addictions to drugs or alcohol etc, depression/poor mental health suffers and poorly functioning adults. Others although going on to have their own children, sadly are no long with us: There seems to be a suicide trend amongst that group every few years before the mid-30s age. Therefore, my adult-children either do not host/accept playdates or are extremely careful and very-present if their work schedules permit. In my day, sexual abuse victims tended not to tell anyone. Those that did tended to be disbelieved: Whilst there really is nothing new under the sun, as parents and carers with a duty of care for our children and grandchildren, we must make preventative, pre-emptive decisions around whom we allow them to associate with outside of school. Alas, it is a scenario opposite to 'Stranger danger' training, as these perpetrators at not strangers. Finally, of course be gentle in explaining the 'why nots' to children, without hurting their feelings of self-worth and in a sense it can be an early lesson in understanding that we cannot always have what we want.

I also find it a little surprising that your daughter is so fixated on this to the point of you posting and asking for advice. But I suppose that all children are different and have different experiences.

I think that my five year old would accept this situation quite easily. If she didn’t, I would validate her feelings and suggest other things to focus on such as other friendships as already suggested. If she continued down this line, I would try to explain to her that many things in life aren’t about us at all. I think it’s important to understand that as children are naturally self-centred and need to learn that the world is much bigger than them.

I know that you said you’ve accepted the situation but the attitude you have about it here could easily be playing into her behaviour as well.