Help, feel sick and close to tears, had to peel a sobbing 4 yr old of f me today

[fantus]

Hello,

sorry if this has been done to death but I am feeling very emotional this morning!

My 4 year old DS started reception at a new school a couple of weeks ago. Due to the settling in period he only stayed for his first full day last Friday. As the week has gone on he has been more and more reluctant to go in in the mornings resulting in him clinging to my legs today and sobbing and asking to go home. I managed to get him to line up with the other children and walk in with the teachers (this is how they do it, parents not allowed in the classroom) but all the way he kept turning back looking for me, crying and shouting for me to come and get him.

My DH picked him up on Wed and spoke to his teacher who assured him he is happy throughout the day. The issue seems to be at lunchtime when they go into the big playground after lunch. He has said he is finding it difficult as it is full of the older children and very noisy so he goes and sits on a bench until it is time to go back in. Yesterday he said he sat and had a little cry as he was feeling sad! The teacher has told the lunchtime assistant to keep an eye on him but he said he just wants to sit on his own.

Sorry it's so long but is anyone going through the same thing or even better been through it and come out the other side?

Any advice on how I can make it easier for him (and me!)

I am currently sleep deprived thanks to a teething 5 month old and feeling like the worst mum in the world so any advice would be very much appreciated!

Oh bless him. Can't they give him a playground buddy? My dd1 had the same problem in Reception but our school has a scheme which buddies the Y6s with the younger children, they sit with them, show them where to line up etc. It only took a week or so before dd1 was happy to 'go it alone'.

Been through it, it is tough, but you do come out the other side. Playground buddies soudns a good idea.

Thanks for that, I'm not sure how he would take to a buddy, he can be very shy and sensitive and can take a while to warm to people so it might make him more anxious? He is a young 4 (August born) so not sure if this is part of the reason he is feeling overwhelmed.

He knows the lunch time assistant is there to help him and also her name and who she is but I think he has gotten into the habit of going and sitting on 'his' seat until playtime is over.

Cory, how long did it take your DC to settle? Was there anything that helped?

My dd is also shy/sensitive etc but loved the idea of having one of the big kids as her friend. I'd definitely go and talk to the teacher again.

Sorry to hear it's hard work. Is your ds getting enough sleep? I know that my dd who started reception this month is getting really tired and by the end of the week she really struggles. I've had a policy of treating her really gently and early bedtimes. Won't solve everything, but always believe that kids cope better when they're well-rested.

i may well be the only one to say this, but have you considered taking him out and starting him when he is 5?

i just know i couldn't bear to do this with mine (thankfully ds1 went in and then told me to leave !)
i was fully prepared to take him home and even HE were he to be very upset though

4 is so very young to be starting school. well, so is 5, but you know..

Or keep him half days for a bit (you're allowed to do this)? Or bring him home for his lunch? Bringing him home for lunch only might mean you're able to catch up on some sleep.

I'm keeping it under review with my four-year old (July) DS.

awww, hugs to you all!!!
I'd definitely go the route of half days or lunch at home - I know it's a PITA going to/from school so much but worth it to settle you both.
If that's not an option - can i suggest you go shopping with just your ds, let your ds choose a little fluffy toy or a keyring pet, or a photo keyring, and buy two - you and he have matching ones. If it's a photo keyring put a picture of both of you being happy (I prefer the fluffy animals tho ) You tell him that if he misses you, he gets his little fluffy creature and gives it a hug, and you do the same when you miss him. My children do this, and ds2 who's now 7 still has his one, and our 'twins' swap places quite regularly so that they carry our hugs with them :)

btw, our school has a buddy system - the School Council organise it. Lots of schools do. (and if they don't maybe they could start it?!) Ask. Good idea whoever suggested that!

ProfYaffle I will speak to his teacher when I pick him up this aftenoon again and see what they think of a buddy.

tiredandgrumpy I am keeping an eye on his bedtimes, I agree he is much more sensitive when tired, and giving lots of extra cuddles!

thisisyesterday It has crossed my mind but unfortunatley my maternity runs out at the end of the year and due to financial reasons I will have to start back at work part time in Jan so HE not an option and he will have to be in some form of childcare then anyway. He had been really looking forward to going and coped fine when at nursery part time.

Changebagsandgladrags I will have a think about lunch times and see if him coming home for lunch is an option. I just don't want to delay him settling in or singling him out if not many of the other children are doing this. Also from January he will have to stay and I'm worried about just delaying the inevitable.

MrsShrekTheThird I will certainly look into getting him a comforter of his choice that he can take and fit in his pocket

thanks for all your comments

PS, please excuse the extra f in the subject line, it is most definately not supposed to be there

you could do just mornings until january?

our school do this as a matter of course for any children who are under 5 when they start. so ds1 was half days til then, and by the time January came he was desperate to stay all day! lol

a few months can make a big difference

My DD cried for about the first 3 weeks.

Now with hindsight and all of the problems she's had I wish I had taken her out of school at the time.

If your mat runs out at the end of this year - that means you can keep him at home this term, and then start him in Jan. He will still be eligible for a free nursery place 3 hours a day.

Best would be if you could send him to school half days only this term. Just give him a bit longer to grow up and adjust to school.

I do know how you feel. Going through exactly the same. My DD starts telling me she has tummy ache from the moment she wakes. It's heartbreaking, I too am the one having her peeled away and trying to come back. Her year have a huge number of children with siblings and that can be difficult for those that don't. DD says that her friend 'goes off with big brother boys'.
Hey, I was pretty similar and I think seeing them go through it acts like a conduit for all your own stuff. Everyone elses children seem to be gamboling through the playground, that cannot be true, but is a perception.

Keep your chin up!

I have to peel my 4 year old off me on some days but I know it's the days he's more tired. He's a young 4 too (July). At our school you choose whether to delay their start (depending on age) and you choose whether to send them just half days to begin with. My Ds has been going to nursery for an even longer day since he was little and pre-school on the days I don't work for 3 hours in a morning, so figured he'd be fine but he is noticably tired the back end of the week. We're doing sticker rewards for non-crying days and then a treat after so many. He comes out full of it, excited by his day and is very sociable so in our case it's the initial separation which he doesn't like. This week he's cried 3 days and not cried 2...

I think you have to do what you feel is best and what also suits your current situation. I know that DS would have found it harder to come home earlier than his class and wonder why he had to than deal with a few brief tears in the morning plus on work days those shorter days would have meant another 2 hours at the childminder and he'd rather be at school than there.

It sounds though that your DS might feel a little overwhelmed by the whole experience at the moment. I don't have much advice as you know your own DS but you are not alone in the morning drop off's- it's hard - there are a few of us going through the same thing. I hope you work something out and I'm sure it'll get easier soon.

Thanks again for all your replies.

I am going to see how he gets on next week before making any decisions as his teacher (who is lovely) is adamant that he is fine and happy and very sociable throughout the day and has given her no cause for concern at all.

If he shows no more willingness in the mornings I will look into the half days or possibly home for lunch until Jan and see what they say.

And I will resist the urge to be a stalker mummy and go and peer through the fence at lunchtimes to make sure he isn't sat on his own crying!

My niece really struggled with the playground to start with, she just found it so noisy and overwhelming. It got to the point where she was classified as needing special learning support as she was so upset after each playtime that she couldn't focus in the class.

My SIL decided to organise a craft party at home and invited all the girls in the class. She drafted in me, the other aunts etc. to come along, and help the girls make necklaces etc. and talk about DN and how much fun she was. The idea was to get the other girls in the class to play with DN and help her be confident in the playground. It worked really well. Could you do a similar thing with inviting children for play dates etc. I know you have a young baby though.

DN's school also had a buddy system which worked well.

Thanks for the idea re playdates etc. It might be a way to go although I can be a bit shy myself sometimes!

One of the mums did speak to me the other morning about her organising a b'day party for her DS and that he had mentioned he played with my DS so we may get an invite to that and it would be a chance for me to see who else is in his class and meet some of the other parents. It can be bedlam in the morning on the playground and hard to suss out who is who.

He does seem to be poplular and have no problem playing with others in class, just when in the large playground after lunch.

I'm looking forward to seeing how he has got on today - although he always comes out happy and saying his day has been really good

How many weeks did he do half days for?

defer entry til next year? He is awfully young

He did half days for 2 weeks which he seemed more than happy with - it has only been the last few days he has been sad and upset going in

Tell the school until you feel he is ready he will continue doing half days.

Some children are happier just sitting and watching others to begin with.It doesn't necessarily mean they are sad or left out or overwhelmed, they are just more cautious and like to get the measure of things before jumping in with feet flying!Not necessarily a bad way to be in life!
But I agree with others that he should do more half days

If the teacher is happy that your child is settled and happy during the day, I'd take her word, and deal with the intitial separation kindly but firmly.

At my school we are very relaxed about parents staying as long as they need, as it is often parents having the separation anxiety, not the children, especially with number one child.

In fact we are maybe too relaxed at my school, and have had a couple of parents who attended on a daily basis for the whole of the first year and even into the second year. Let your child know that you have confidence in his ability to learn to manage school and growing independence, and that you have confidence in his teacher to help him and keep him safe.