Help, feel sick and close to tears, had to peel a sobbing 4 yr old of f me today

[fantus]

Hello,

sorry if this has been done to death but I am feeling very emotional this morning!

My 4 year old DS started reception at a new school a couple of weeks ago. Due to the settling in period he only stayed for his first full day last Friday. As the week has gone on he has been more and more reluctant to go in in the mornings resulting in him clinging to my legs today and sobbing and asking to go home. I managed to get him to line up with the other children and walk in with the teachers (this is how they do it, parents not allowed in the classroom) but all the way he kept turning back looking for me, crying and shouting for me to come and get him.

My DH picked him up on Wed and spoke to his teacher who assured him he is happy throughout the day. The issue seems to be at lunchtime when they go into the big playground after lunch. He has said he is finding it difficult as it is full of the older children and very noisy so he goes and sits on a bench until it is time to go back in. Yesterday he said he sat and had a little cry as he was feeling sad! The teacher has told the lunchtime assistant to keep an eye on him but he said he just wants to sit on his own.

Sorry it's so long but is anyone going through the same thing or even better been through it and come out the other side?

Any advice on how I can make it easier for him (and me!)

I am currently sleep deprived thanks to a teething 5 month old and feeling like the worst mum in the world so any advice would be very much appreciated!

Some points in the day are hard for all little ones...my DD was like yor in that she cried when I left her...she was fine in the playground but hated the classroom...it took her about 6 months to truly settle.

Give your son some coping strategies...find out what it is he dislikes...the noise? The bigger kids...which is the worst? Then...name his emotion for him ...with my daughter it was missing me during classroom time...and I called it "The missing Mummy Feeling" and that really helped her as at this age they dont understand their own feelings...or even that they are legitimate...they only know they've a horrible feeling.

IN his case it could be "The too much going on feeling" or the "Shy feeling"

In accepting the feeling he really could feel better about it...I hope it get better for you soon...I also had a new baby! We got my DD a lunch box with a slot for a picture in it and she had one of Daddy to look at...she loved that lunchbox!

Now DD is 6 and can't wait to get to school..like a different child she is!

These suggestions from Anemone are extremely practical and manageable for a 4 year old.

Thanks for those suggestions Anenome (and Malaleuca)

When I picked him up yesterday he was in a great mood, said he had had a brilliant day and had even enjoyed lunch time and playing in the playground!

I spoke to his teacher again who confirmed that he had indeed had a great day and had not appeared sad at any time.

So I am sat at home worrying all day while he is having a ball

He is very good at saying how he feels and has said it is the noise however he seems to have coped much better yesterday.

I will see how he gets on next week - fingers crossed

If it's any consolation, it does seem to me (having seen now yr 3 dd and currently ds1 in reception) that the new starters flag big time by about the Thursday of each week. Way more tears on Thursday and Friday than on Monday and Tuesday.

They are absolutely shattered!

DS1 is actually 5 now - was 5 on his first half day. And his inclination to stay at home increases as the week goes on.

DD started at 4.5 (we have Sept and Jan entries here - she is summer born).

I'd say that the extent of their settling at this early stage was/is broadly similar. DD more sociable so found that easier. DS1 older and a little more resilient.

This is a long half term - and the Autumn term rotten for fresh ailments doing the rounds. Evenings drawing in. Everyone more tired and lacklustre. (A reason I'd be keen on shorter summer hols and more frequent shorter hols throughout the year).

His teacher did comment on the Friday feeling and I definately saw a lot more sad faces and teary children yesterday morning.

When I picked him up he nodded off in the care before we had even gone a mile.

I will make sure he is getting plenty of sleep next week and see if this helps too

How is he managing with his drinks, lunch and snacks? In reception, I think some of DS1's tantrums (his response to stress) resulted from him not drinking enough. It turned out he was not bothering with a drink at break time because he couldn't manage to carry a drink and biscuit at the same time - so went for the biscuit . When we sorted this out, he seemed to cope better (although we had more wet pants!)

Also, don't hesitate to take him out for a day if he seems particularly tired or has a cold. A day off in the middle of the week if they are low can make a massive difference and, at DS1's school, the teachers never seemed to mind.

Good luck with whatever you decide. If it's any reassurance, my tiny (12Kg!) July-born DS1 did eventually settle into reception and now absolutely loves Year 1.

Agree with Acebaby....having a drink regularly does help a lot...and agree about giving the odd day off when they are too tired...it's of no use sending themlike that as they struggle too much to enjoy/learn!

ok - plan for tomorrow

Early night tonight so fresh as a daisy tomorrow (him and me).

Practice cheerful wave and not too scary smile for when he is walking into the classroom.

He is going to take a miniature version of his favourite teddy that fits in his pocket / book bag for a cuddle or squeeze if he feels a bit sad.

I know he does always have a drink at lunch but I will remind him and speak to the teacher to remember at snack times too.

I will also remind her about the playground after lunch and a buddy or grown up to keep an eye on him.

I will keep everything crossed and hope for the best!

how did you get on today? I hope your DS had a better time.

there are some childminders who take HE kids if you have to go back to work part time - mayber that would work for a bit? I know of one nr Stoke Poges but not sure where you are.

I had over a year of tantrums about getting dressed for school in the morning. Most days taking over an hour to dress. Once out the door he seemed to accept the inevitable. So a slightly different situation to you! It is tough and you simply don't know how to respond to them, the teachers or what to do for the best. My DS (year 3) has got better only recently, now that he has a different teacher and a timetable so that he knows what he will be doing each day. Sorry not trying to scare you!

Our school are very reluctant to let you go anything other than all or nothing ie they don't want people doing half days.

It might be worth trying to befriend a few parents in the playground of children from your DS's class, and inviting a child back after school for tea one day as a way of 'helping' them make friends faster! it's the one thing I should have done more of, have friends back for tea. But I'm going to be more on the ball this time and have to work out who to invite (my DS has had a class shuffle so he only has about 8 children from his old class in his new one). I just have to work out which faces are the ones from his class!

Thanks for all the messages again.

We have been uprooted due to building works and only just seeing the thread.

Update was he was a bit unsettled again at the beginning of last week but his teacher mad a point of taking his hand and asking for his help with the register. Both days when I picked him up he had been fine and had a really good day.

By Thursday he was a lot happier. I stood with him in the line until it was time to go in. This morning he joined the line, turned and gave me a big grin and wave and trotted off without a backward glance, result!

He told me yesterday that he is not shy of the other children any more and I think this and him learning the routine a bit better has helped to build his confidence.

Thanks again for all your comments, finger crossed he carries on like this!