support thread - friendship skills and popularity - sign in here if this is a struggle for your DC or you.

[lingle]

I would appreciate talking with others who are trying to deal with their DC not being particularly popular and who are trying to improve their DC's friendship skills without being "needy" about it.

Ds2 is 5. He had very delayed language which affected his social skills (they thought it was autism for a while but I don't think this would be suggested now). His language is ok now (except when dealing with kids with very sophisticated language skills).

positives:
he has a superb loving relationship with Ds1 (7.6). Ds1 says DS2 is his best friend.
he has lots of opportunities to play with four neighbouring kids at our and their houses.
he has identified 3 friends in reception. One in particular is his favourite. They are in different classes but sit next to each other at lunch, etc. The friend is coming to our house today.

but when the teacher was handing out the big pile of party invitations at the door this morning and pulled back when she saw us, I wanted to cry.

unfortunately, my mum (lacking support of mumsnet!) taught us to be needy and resentful when not invited/not popular. She accosted the parents of children who didn't want to play with us and made a fool of herself. This made us more isolated and less popular and our social skills got even weaker.

I think it's my childhood experience of isolation, rather than any unhappiness DS2 might feel, that's making me feel so whiney! I fear repeating the pattern, and setting a vicious circle in motion. I also know the only way to ovecome it is to improve DS2's confidence and social skills, and that this can only be done by helping him experience social success. I know I have to stop letting other mums know that I mind so I don't drive them away - I have to talk to people away from the school.

phew! guts spilled. other stories please :)

Invite the other children round for tea. It is essential, I think.
Do it for your kids. I have the same view as
WWWY, "I've always viewed having DC's friends around as a respite for me - they run off and play, and unless there's argy-bargy for me to sort, I can get on with my own stuff with minimal interruption."
when kids come round to play with ds1 (6.5 YR 2), they play so beautifully. dish out a bit of spag bol or whatever. an ice-cream and the kids are happy. parent collects.
how hard is it ? you don't need to be friends witht he parents. or even a chatty.
"would Billy like to come round and play. which days suit you. what about next tuesday", is about the extent of conversation necessary.

ITS NOT HARD. or if it is, and you yourself are desperatly shy. o.k. but you must do this. for your children.

I am going to join this thread after I was nearly in tears today talking to the teacher about dd1 who has just gone into class 1.

I too was very very shy as a child and relatively quiet even now - I force myself to speak up and join things etc. My dd1 is quiet and will not say hello or goodbye to other children at school. She has one friend in her class and I think would play with her all the time. When her friend is off school, she says she plays on her own.

Today the school teacher asked me if dd1 was happy at school and if she talked about it. DD1 rarely mentions school and what she has done. She has said she doesn't like class 1.

She had settled really well in Reception and the teachers were lovely and helped bring her out of herself a bit. She even put her hand up in class then - major achievement.

Now, the teacher says she won't do her handwriting and will only do work if there is an adult around her table.

DD1 likes to please so I said it may be that. However, that does not explain why she will not do her work. The teacher has said she has asked her but has not got any answers.

I personally wonder if it to do with the fact her friend is not on the same ability table and dd is not comfortable with her peers on her table. I have invited (by card in bookbag) another girl who sits on her table for tea over summer, but I never received a call from the parents. I do not want to push myself and dd onto someone who does not want to play with dd.

I am feeing very sad about it all and blaming myself.

Am rambling a bit now, sorry

oops, didnt mean to kill the thread

Have been watching this thread with interest.

DS1, now 6 and in Y2 has always been lacking in confidence and I always worry about the friendship thing, even though he's a happy boy, loves school and does have friends now. I panic easily if he comes home from school and it emerges he hasn't played with his two favourite friends, but try to stop myself showing it, as it doesn't help anybody, especially him! He's never had a 'best friend', but I think perhaps this is something that will come with time - aren't girls more into the whole 'best friend' thing?

I was never popular at school and felt it acutely. I now find the playground and the pushy mums very hard to deal with. It does seem that the mums of very popular children seem to stick in a little herd and arrange countless play dates amongst themselves. Do I sound bitter? Probably. I do try though - sometimes I can hear myself trying too hard - and that's almost as bad.

So, end of my ramble. No advice really. Just wanted say I know how you feel.

It's so refreshing to hear from mums on my wavelength! Its a shame we don't all go to the same school then we'd be fine!

Have you tried asking your DCs if there's anyone they'd like to ask round to play? Then at least you won't feel you're pushing someone on to your child, and you can present it in those terms to the other mum: 'X would really like to have Y round to play - would he like to come?' Doesn't feel so pushy.

And I used to encourage mine to ask the child in class to mention it to his mum, which was good if you didn't know her as at least you didn't feel like you were approaching her out of the blue.

Sometimes it doesn't occur to kids that this is even an option, especially if they're a bit dreamy, or haven't really done it before.

I agree with Oblomov (who agrees with me - thanks). This social stuff is just at the beginning now; you might as well choose to help it along - better to make a bit of a fool of yourself than look back in years to come and think you could have tried harder.

See DS has said to me before, 'can I go to so and so's house' or 'so and so's mum said I can go to his house' but I always dismiss it as kids talk and don't follow through, assuming their mum won't know anything about it either and its something the kids are arranging between themselves iyswim. I feel embarrassed to pursue it.

Well, don't be!

When kids speak up like this it usually comes from an honest place and if he's motivated to remember it when he gets home and mention it to you, it obviously means a lot.

If you never act on his hints or even his direct requests, he's likely to start to feel foolish and give up trying - maybe tell himself friendship isn't really meant for him.

Sound familiar?

Believe me, I've cringed inside many a time (I'm pretty much socially phobic), but I just approach it as a job that I have to do to help oil the wheels for my DCs until they can learn how to do it themselves.

It's never going to be easy, but it has to be done.