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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

support thread - friendship skills and popularity - sign in here if this is a struggle for your DC or you.

58 replies

lingle · 22/09/2010 10:17

I would appreciate talking with others who are trying to deal with their DC not being particularly popular and who are trying to improve their DC's friendship skills without being "needy" about it.

Ds2 is 5. He had very delayed language which affected his social skills (they thought it was autism for a while but I don't think this would be suggested now). His language is ok now (except when dealing with kids with very sophisticated language skills).

positives:
he has a superb loving relationship with Ds1 (7.6). Ds1 says DS2 is his best friend.
he has lots of opportunities to play with four neighbouring kids at our and their houses.
he has identified 3 friends in reception. One in particular is his favourite. They are in different classes but sit next to each other at lunch, etc. The friend is coming to our house today.

but when the teacher was handing out the big pile of party invitations at the door this morning and pulled back when she saw us, I wanted to cry.

unfortunately, my mum (lacking support of mumsnet!) taught us to be needy and resentful when not invited/not popular. She accosted the parents of children who didn't want to play with us and made a fool of herself. This made us more isolated and less popular and our social skills got even weaker.

I think it's my childhood experience of isolation, rather than any unhappiness DS2 might feel, that's making me feel so whiney! I fear repeating the pattern, and setting a vicious circle in motion. I also know the only way to ovecome it is to improve DS2's confidence and social skills, and that this can only be done by helping him experience social success. I know I have to stop letting other mums know that I mind so I don't drive them away - I have to talk to people away from the school.

phew! guts spilled. other stories please :)

OP posts:

Original poster

lingle · 22/09/2010 17:37

that's great. nothing wrong with playing with the girls.

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Anenome · 22/09/2010 19:58

MY DD (6) is quite popular now but at first she was very clngy with the other girls and that gt on their nerves...I made her join 2 after schol clubs, dancing and drama...which really helped...I am also a SAHM and it can be hard to meet other Mums as a lot re at work at 3.15 and their kids go to after school club...sometimes I am the only parent at the gates of our admitedly very small school...in the end...I sent a note in with DD and her teacher put it in the bag of another child...it was an invitation to play for a little while after school "sometime soon" and I made it clear the parent was invited too....I included my phone number too.

The Mother rang me and was so pleased...she had thought that by always being at work, she would miss out on being asked for a coffee etc..we had met once...but she came...it was nice and they come quite often now.

I think the point is that as parents we have to put our own egos at risk for the kids sakes...I am VERY shy...and antisocial but DD is not...so I try now to make myself chat!

Original poster

lingle · 22/09/2010 22:47

interesting post anenome.

DS1 was also clingy with the other boys for a while and it got on their nerves.

DS2 told me today that he plays with his best friend M every day. I asked what happens when best friend is not there? "Then I have to play with J" he said. "And what does J do when you are playing with M?" "well, then J has to play with his cousin".

so whilst I'm practically in tears at his lack of general popularity, he, it appears, couldn't care less so long as his main buddy is around. Nor does he yet have any sense of needing to include the second best friend even when the best best friend is there.

lots of food for thought.....

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TotalChaos · 22/09/2010 22:55

marks place. and snap. have a raft of issues of my own from bad school experiences that I have to separate out from legitimate worries about DS. DS tends to get on better with kids who are quirky and/or on the asd spectrum and/or from a foreign country. On the bright side, he's a sunny, sociable happy little soul. On the negative side, he does seem to feel more comfortable with children a year or two younger, which does bother me at times.

ladybirdladybirdflyawayhome · 22/09/2010 23:03

Also marking place - I need my bed but I do have lot's to add.
Having 3 girls I have found it very difficult to help them be social & welcomig as I am quite anti-social & like my own company.
Hate the whole invitation thing even though the girls don't notice.

Anenome · 22/09/2010 23:20

Lingle...but your DD does not sound unpopular! If he had NOBODY to play with itf M isn't in then I might worry...hmm..only one friend...but he has others to fall back on! Thats good and normal!

Original poster

lingle · 23/09/2010 10:12

you're right anenome, I know. And that's why I accept that this is about me. I could actually make him more unpopular by my tendency to be needy and insecure about it all. It's like there's always a trap door and sometimes you feel like you've fallen through it back to your childhood problems ...... you just have to climb out again back on to the stage and smile.

I have a male friend whose teenage son is a bit "aspergery". However, my friend's eyes light up whenever he talks to his son, and the son's eyes light up whenever he talks to his dad. Neither of them give a damn about being a bit quirky - to the point of being irritating - pedantic corrections and that sort of thing -- and perhaps not the sort of people who'd get lots of invitations(which they both are. They are almost my ideal family because they are each other's fan club. Only fault is that they tend to come across as a bit superior - something that quirky people are a bit prone to I think.

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Original poster

lingle · 23/09/2010 10:17

good morning ladybird, tell us about your girls.

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Anenome · 23/09/2010 10:20

I do that too Lingle...have big fears regarding my DD's experiencing the horrors I went through at primary. It is very difficult at times to hide those fears...

Original poster

lingle · 23/09/2010 10:29

yes.

If a fellow-parent was obsessive or insecure about her child's academic performance and ability to understand the lessons, I would gently tell her she was likely to make the problem worse, and needed to accept that her child is not her.

My being obsessive and insecure about DS2's social skills is just as unfortunate and carries the risk of making things worse.

When he officially had "special needs" - severe problems understanding language - I dealt with it bloody brilliantly (sorry for boast but two other special needs board veterans on this thread will vouch for me I think). But now he's just "not that great socially", it's all a bit closer to home, especially as I have a brother who is socially isolated, and I struggle much more to have the same positive attitude.

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Anenome · 23/09/2010 10:55

Lingle,

Very hard...I'm not too bad about the social thing now..a bit paranoid maybe...but the academic thing is an issue for me...I TRY not to think my DD is special in that she may have some undiagnosed SN's but I do keep searching carefully through threads related to Aspergers and Dyslexia....I think I may have had/have some undiagnosed issues myself and don't want my DD to suffer as I did.

I was very misunderstood in school...unchallenged in both secondary and primary in an academic sense...and struggled with friends all the time...so am on the watch all the time for DD incase she has the same troubles.

Anenome · 23/09/2010 10:56

Well done btw for coping so well with his language problems...I can't say I would have been so sensible!

Original poster

lingle · 23/09/2010 11:50

"don't want my DD to suffer as I did"

"am on the watch all the time for DD incase she has the same troubles"

I think this is where many of us are coming from (and it would be worse if I had a daughter not a son).

But a nurse friend warned me that overidentification can be a real problem. He is not me. His problems might be similar, but they won't be the same. He's only 5 and I've already discovered that he doesn't care about parties yet whereas I did at that age :)

The language problems were so bad that it was a bit like having a serious medical problem - my priorities were clear and non-negotiable. Now we have "normal" life and normal life is a bit trickier LOL .....

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Original poster

lingle · 23/09/2010 11:50

"don't want my DD to suffer as I did"

"am on the watch all the time for DD incase she has the same troubles"

I think this is where many of us are coming from (and it would be worse if I had a daughter not a son).

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TotalChaos · 23/09/2010 16:26

vouches for lingle.

I think in a funny way the language problems almost felt easier for you to deal with - as you could gather information, filter out the best information, and get to work on DS2. It's a slow process, but doing 1-1 language work you at least feel things are under control. Whereas the socialising - you can't put everything right, and to some degree kids have to learn by their own mistakes.

Poshpaws · 23/09/2010 18:12

I can also vocuh for lingle .

And I agree wholeheartedly with TC. The social interaction part is something that we parents have little control over.

Original poster

lingle · 23/09/2010 18:31

yep. much less control :)

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Acinonyx · 23/09/2010 19:48

I have periodically agonised over dd's social skills. She's yr 1 now. Half way through reception things really hit a low point and I talked to her teacher about it and she and I thought of ways we might encorouge her to interact more effectively.

Things improved a lot over the next months and now in yr 1, she seems OK. When she started school we didn't know anyone. I thought that it would be nice if she got invited to 2-3 parties that yr (there are 60 kids in the yr) and she went to 5. I was truly very content with this and so is dd. With 60 kids, no-one does whole class parties.

She is one who likes to have a few close buddies and I have regular playdates with 3 girls. Playdates do help - dd likes 1-1 play best. I am not shy myself but still found it daunting to insitigate playdates with total strangers.

Original poster

lingle · 23/09/2010 20:50

Acinonyx - sounds like you have a healthy attitude, and one which I will try to cultivate. Thinking about it, the realy sociable children have mothers who are also extremely sociable - more sociable than I would ever want to be and more sociable than I actually find desirable.

I happen to be friends with a lot of the ultra-sociable mums though I keep slightly to the edge of the group.

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Acinonyx · 23/09/2010 22:52

I'm a bit like that too - I'm friends with some people who seem to know everyone but I'm more on the fringe myself. That's fine, I think - as long as you have you have a few good buddies.

Ilovehotchoc · 24/09/2010 09:19

Acinonyx - I find what you say very interesting - what ways did you encourage her to interact more effectively? This is what I am trying to do with DS1 but I am struggling!

Acinonyx · 24/09/2010 13:18

We did some role playing games with her using her soft toys and the teacher also did some role playing with the class or groups - about joining in play, asking to join play or initiating play, taking turns.

I tried to keep my advice to dd simple and focus on 2-3 items that I thought would really improve things. She wanted to play with other dc but was almost completely incapable of compromise ie. would very often not want to play what they were playing. I steadfastly repeated that if she wanted to play, she must either join in with whatever they were playing or they must all take turns choosing the play - and that if she joined in, then it was more likely she could choose later.

The even more difficult thing which is stilla work in progress is initiating play - she's not confident enough yet unless it's with 1 -2 close buddies. I've watched her tentaticely approach dc hoping to play - but it's so tentatice they probably don't notice her at all - the teacher had seen that as well.

Also, she still sometimes plays alone at playtime but she doesn't mind at all as long as it isn't more than a certain proportion of the time - not every playtime. Sometimes she really does prefer to choose her own activity rather than join in and that's OK too. It's hard sometimes to get an accurate picture of what is really going on at school.

I think for us though, the regular playdates have really paid off and I would really recommend it. We did 3-4 only once - and another 3 are now regular.

Acinonyx · 24/09/2010 13:19

tentative, even

DreamTeamGirl · 24/09/2010 14:53

Not read whole thread but will later

But OMG the policeman stage and how it can make them less popular.
SO SO good to have a label for it, and know it isnt just DS and that there isnt something wrong with him!!! Well, that if there is it is also with other children. Will read properly later, but am feeling very relieved right now.

Ilovehotchoc · 24/09/2010 15:48

Thanks Acinonyx, some good pointers there.

This is a great thread, very reassuring! DS1 is very much a policeman atm!

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