Progress in school and SAHM vs WOHM

[starrychime]

DD is almost 7 and doing OK at school but it seems that most (not all) of those in the top group for reading etc are the kids of SAHMs. Feeling guilty as I work full time, no choice as it's just me and DD, we don't get in the house till about 5 then there's not much time for spending on homework, reading etc. I realise that even if we had hours of time in the evening it might not make a difference if the ability's not there but I was pretty good at school and am a bit that DD isn't zooming ahead at something, anything. Starting to make me a bit jealous about SAHMs which I never thought I would be. Can anyone reassure me that she won't suffer in the long term?

"Oh stop it, chime. There is no correlation.

Do you want to stop work and are looking for a reason?"

No, no pointeydog, I love my job and the folk I work with and as it's our only income I have no thoughts of giving up. Went back to work full time when DD was 6 months then when she started school cut back 5 hours a week so I could drop off. I WOULD like to have little more time instead of rushing in from after school, dinner, homework, bed, usually we're both knackered and can get a bit grumpy at the homework stage. However it's not on the cards to cut my hours any more at the mo'

Hmmm, I have to disagree Indigo. Personally I would want to present a role model that, as far as is possible in life, we should do what makes us happy. So I am now a SAHM, following a pretty high-powered career, because that is what I wanted to do, both then and now. I think it's slightly odd to want to 'model' a certain type of lifestyle (either SAHM or WOHM), when we have no idea what kind of people our children will grow up to be, and what they will want to do with their lives. I only have sons, but if I had a daughter I wouldn't want her to necessarily want to be a SAHM (or think she ought to be), but I'd also hate for her to think that it was not a worthwhile role to undertake if that's what she wanted.

I'm not a SAHM. In fact I have rather more WOH than I would like right now. But it doesn't seem to have affected my DD's abilities - and I just about manage to read with her, to her, and check her homework. I think if you can input, that's great, and a little every day makes a very big difference, but beyond that I'm not so sure that it isn't just as useful for DDs to see that women have choices - some at home and some not.

"But what about the message a SAHM sends to their kids - particularly their girls? Would you like your DD's ambition in life to be a SAHM?"

What a terrible thing to post, personally I would LOVE my daughters to grow up and be SAHM's. I see so many friends who tie thamselves in knots trying to look after children, look after the home and do a good job they would love to be at home. I hope my daughters will be in a financially secure marriage/relationship that means that can stay at home if that is their CHOICE!

Like most SAHM's I had a great carear before children but I am very lucky that my husband can support us.

Sorry to go off the theme of the post but I was shocked by such a negative remark about SAHM's. In answer to the orginal post I don't think children of working parents do any worse or better that children of SAHM's

Sorry I offended everyone. I was just trying to say that as well as all of the things you miss out by being at home with your kids there are other, non tangible, things you gain.

You definately do miss out by working full time. I have missed out hugely by never picking up my kids from school. And there is no way I have the time to do half the things with them I should.

But on the plus side I am very lucky to have a job I enjoy. And on the plus side my children get to see what working is like. What the end results of all those years of study can be.

My kids have definately suffered because I work full time. However, it was still the right decision for me.

Yes, I miss picking up from school too. Trying to organise DD's friends to come up for tea/play takes major organisation, sometimes taking time off work needed just so they have time for a play etc before parents pick up!

ok chime

No more guilt then, alright?

I am a WOHM and both my dcs started in the bottom groups (both summer babies). My DD still is Year 2 but I have helped a lot at home. At the end of the day she is not really interested so I just make sure we go to the library a lot and read signs and read her stories as often as I can. I am hoping she will eventually get it.

My DS was the same and has just done tests for Year 6 and his groupings. He is really keen to get in the top groups, he told me tonight (so am I) but all the pressure is coming from within himself to do this and it is making him work a lot harder. This may be because both his father and I work hard and have studied hard and he has seen that effort leads to results. So there may be an advantage to working to offset the disadvantage of not always being there to help. There will always be advantages and disadvantages.

I am a bit mystified at how you all seem to know where your child is placed in their class according to acheivement? I haven't a clue whether ds is top bottom or dead centre - I know he is bright but I wouldn't be able to make anything more than a guess really.

He has just started Yr 2 and I have a dd in reception. So how do you find this out? Have you all asked the teachers or do you get weekly league tables??

I am a sahm (also have a toddler) I spend plenty of time with the children but I doubt that going back to work (when I eventually do) will disadvantage them. Comparisons are always tricky as all children are different and learn at varying rates.. I do not want to have too clear an idea of where my dc are in their class, as long as they are not struggling and enjoy learnming then I will content - certainly while they are at Primary School.

These threads make me feel a little dizzy and sick. I spend my life thinking the kinds of things detailed in the OP.

"However, if you've read the Hare and the Tortoise you'd be INSANE to think that a headstart means you're onto a winner!"

The Hare lost because he had an attitude problem.
The tortoise, despite being less able, probably had a mother who read to him every night .

I'm a SAHM and we really don't read as much as we should. Really it is about prioritising - 15 minutes a day - who can't find that :-) (Note to self)

"And on the plus side my children get to see what working is like. "

The sharp intake of breath continues...

I have worked really hard as a SAHM to 5 DCs for a number of years, and I hope they have all seen what working is like as a result. I have also insisted that they learn how to work around the house in a consistent and thorough way and become proud of the effort they have put in and the sense of competence they have gained. It seems to have rubbed off on them as far as school goes anyway.

Well, that's that off my chest...

As far as reading goes -- sometimes you can fit it in and sometimes you can't, but conversation and making an effort to expand your own vocabulary and use words your DD may not be familiar with can be squeezed in any time, and can have a very positive result. There's always something to talk about, even your reaction to something on TV.

One of my DDs wouldn't crack open a book until she was about 10, when she had to do a book review for school and she's been hooked ever since. The fare I was encouraging her to read up to then was just plain boring, she said.

absolutely mathsanxiety.

If any of my 6 dc's wanted to be a sahp I would be very happy. It's a worthy 'job'.

I hate it when fools like mooma make comments like that, ignorant twat.

I think it`s all in your mind.

My poor DS is in bottom group, despite me being a SAHM. He resists learning. It`s really hard.

So get this idea out of your head.

The hare developed his lazy attitude when he started secondary school and came under the influence of some real badass rabbits. One minute he was reading every night with his mum....the next he was necking down white lightening at the off-license and playing Strret Punk Killa 2 on his PS3 til 3 every morning.

I'm hoping my own little heir doesn't follow that route. If she does, I'll console myself that I gave her the best start I could. I seem to have managed alright so far(insert smug emoticon, though bloody lucky emoticon would doubtless be more appropriate) but just cos she loves school now, at 9, doesn't mean she'll carry on loving it at 14.

"But what about the message a SAHM sends to their kids - particularly their girls? Would you like your DD's ambition in life to be a SAHM?"

My mum was a SAHM and is one of the women I admire most for having made a wonderful life for herself and everyone around her. She used the time she had to cultivate fantastic friendships, make our home comfortable and to improve her mind through reading and study. At 76 she is reaping the rewards of those friendships, my dad having died this year. She's a wonderful person who's lived in a very honourable and fulfilling way and I feel sad at the implication that her life's work is worthless.

Being a SAHM is what you make it.

To the OP - my dd is no high flyer and I've been (mostly) at home for the past few years (I only work part-time). That's because I've done bugger all to help her with her education other than read to her every night. She's in top sets for everything but I don't take that as a sign she's super bright or anything as she's in a rough school. However, had I put in an hour or so a day to help her I have no doubt she would have done much, much better. Sadly I'm a lazy trout but if I wasn't I could probably manage to work full-time and still put in the time with her. And if I couldn't I'd have more money so I could pay for someone else to do it!

My mother worked full time the whole time we were at secondary school. We all did brill!

Please don't worry; you are doing well to create a secure home environment for your daugher, especially if you are on your own.

Also, I know a few SAHMs who spend so much time pushing their young children, I can't help think that there will be some rebellion later!

Plus, many children from large families do well, and they much get less individual attention than children in smaller families.

I feel for you Starrychime.

if I were you ( and I have been) I would be focused on the evening - my priority would be to get a quick healthy meal on the table. Could DD read to you whilst you prepare the meal? I have do this regularly as well as resting spellings whilst chopping veg! :). if you can be eating by 5.30 having done at least some reading or spelling then by 6 you can be finishing reading and spelling. so by 6.30 you are all finished. Time to chill/play for a bit before bath and bed.

Keep smiling and keep focused..

Incidentally, of my little NCT group, the most 'advanced' at the moment (in terms of speech and basic literacy and numeracy - they're all just turning three) are probably my DS and one of the other boys. I'm a SAHM; his mum works 8-6 in the City every day and has done since her son was six months old. So take your pick!

Besides, if there was any evidence that WOH disadvantages kids at school, I'm sure the Daily Mail would have rammed it down our throats by now .

It is really good that IndigoBell came back acknowledged (apologised even) that she had offended people. I would just say, because I need to get it off my chest, that I don't think young children know or understand the role model that their parents are supposedly trying to project, regardless of whether they work or not so I always wonder at the notion that it is setting a good example for children if their parents/mothers go out to work. They couldn't care less if you are sitting at home drinking coffee all day or taking The City by storm being highpowered in the board room - they just know you aren't with them!

Anyway, that doesn't help the OP. I wouldn't worry about the amount of time other people are spending. When DS1 started school the infants school he was at implemented a policy of encouraging parents to read with their children 5 nights a week. However, they were/are very keen to stress that 5 minutes a day is much better than 30 minutes less often. It has improved the reading standards in the school no end (DS2 is going through it now). Little and often is much more important than spending ages on it, especially when children are tired in the evenings. I would have thought almost everybody could manage 5 minutes of reading a day and that is enough.

As for your DD not zooming ahead, there is still time for it to just click one day. DS1 was bottom of the class for reading in Yr R and nearly top by the end of Yr 1 - he just suddenly 'got' reading. Some children take longer to click than others but it doesn't mean they won't be brilliant one day.

And at the risk of going on, the teachers have also said that there can a problem with comprehension with early readers who learn to decode reading and sound great, but who aren't actually taking in what they are looking at. Slower readers have this problem less so even if your DD is taking longer to pick it up it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I really don't think your DD will suffer because you work OP. Please don't feel bad.

I am a SAHM that works at home when kids are either at pre school or in bed. Therefore, when eldest gets in from school I still find it hard to get time alone with him as my youngest is very demanding and won't give us 5 mins peace! I would say a lot of people that are SAHMs usually have younger children so would actually struggle with homework for older children as well.

It's almost certainly less important than how bright they are to start with and the degree to which the parents think school is important.

My mother worked full time and almost never helped with homework etc

Both my brother and I did just about as well academically as it's possible to do, As and first classes all the way. You're either academic or not. And at your child's age it's way too young to tell anyway. Don't sweat it.