Progress in school and SAHM vs WOHM

[starrychime]

DD is almost 7 and doing OK at school but it seems that most (not all) of those in the top group for reading etc are the kids of SAHMs. Feeling guilty as I work full time, no choice as it's just me and DD, we don't get in the house till about 5 then there's not much time for spending on homework, reading etc. I realise that even if we had hours of time in the evening it might not make a difference if the ability's not there but I was pretty good at school and am a bit that DD isn't zooming ahead at something, anything. Starting to make me a bit jealous about SAHMs which I never thought I would be. Can anyone reassure me that she won't suffer in the long term?

"But what about the message a SAHM sends to their kids - particularly their girls? Would you like your DD's ambition in life to be a SAHM?"

Wow, still picking jaw up from the floor! :o)

I was a SAHM for 4 years, and have childminded for past year (does that mean I am still a SAHM?) I ended up being a SAHM because live in London, hated hated hated my job, and thought that by the time I subtracted childcare and travel from my salary, it was not worth it to us as a family. We have been quite hard up, and that is why after 5 years with small children, I started childminding. But that is hardly a high status job in our society. "But what about the message a SAHM childminder sends to their kids - particularly their girls? Would you like your DD's ambition in life to be a SAHM childminder?" What job would be acceptable? What message should I be sending out to my daughter? That she is only a worthwhile human being if she earns 45K/ has foreign holidays/ holds down a job she hates? :o)

But surely all these decisions are about what's best for our family, what works for our family and my choice is not a judgement or validation/ non-validation of other people's choices...

One of my best friends was in the remedial classes for reading at primary school. She went on to do a degree, a masters and a PhD

It's a coincidence based on a sample of, what, 5 kids?

Doing twenty minutes of reading with her evry night, and putting aside lots of time for homework and other educational activities/chat during the weekend should make all the difference.

I think parental input is vitally important in assistance your child's academic achievement at school.

However, it matters not if you work full time or not, as long as you are able to fit it in.

I have always worked with dd on her school work, and also did other things outside school which helped with her school work and understanding. She has done all right despite my having worked FT since she was 3 months, is doing GCSEs now and is predicted 10 at A* - B despite being quite severely dyslexic.

"But what about the message a SAHM sends to their kids - particularly their girls? Would you like your DD's ambition in life to be a SAHM?"

Wow, still picking jaw up from the floor! )

Me too!

A lot of "SAHM's" are on 'off ramps' from their career: a few years out to focus on a particular aspect of life, hardly anything really.

I would quite like to spend my children's early years with them and to be available after school to them after taht: it's not going to happen for me, but I don't think that if I could stay at home for a few years it would send a negative message, simply a message that mothering is as valuable an activity in society as any paid work.

I'd like it if dh could have similar time out over the years to send our children the message that fathering is a pretty valuable thing, too.

This educationalist thinks there is a lack of correlation between kids looking like they are achieving at KS1 in terms of compliantly whizzing through reading books and writing nice little sentences about what they did at the weekend, and how they do later in life.

There is also probably a negative correlation between being a helicopter parent and longer term educational outcomes for a child.

So the secret is to make sure they have good food in their bellies, have had a reasonable night's sleep, and do a bit more than just slump in front of the TV all the time. Some minor homework support can be useful as can attending parents' evenings. But other than that, people shouldn't think they have to do everything a school tells them to, or compete with other parents who boast about all the yummy educational activities their kids schlep around to. Chilling out a bit does not mean you child is doomed, believe me!

Getorf sums it up
"However, it matters not if you work full time or not, as long as you are able to fit it in."

fwiw all 6 on DD1s top table have SAHMs.

i cajoled DD1 into practising handwriting over the summer holidays, much to her annoyance as her y1 teacher said it was letting her down. Just a few pages in the last week, but the difference is incredible.

I think there's probably something in this in the early years, not just beacuse SAHM have more time, but because the development of their children is their "job" and sometimes their only purpose in life.

I'm not sure it's healthy TBH, but it probably does produce better early readers. I doubt that equates to better, more able or intelligent adults though. Which I think is what BoffinMum said, only she did it better

But what about the message a SAHM sends to their kids - particularly their girls? Would you like your DD's ambition in life to be a SAHM? Another jaw being picked up here!

What I want for my DD is choices, we can just about afford for me to be at home with a decentish home, if I hadn't saved for ages with wages from a professional level job before they were born it would be tight. When I go back to work I hope I will be fortunate enough to be able to go part time, and I'll earn in 2 or 3 days what many people earn in 5. I want my DD to see that I worked hard to let me have the choice of what was best for our family.

Back on the original point, I sometimes see other people's 3/4 year olds that spend a lot of time in nursery or pre school, with educational toys, trained play leaders and no TV and wonder if I am doing the best for mine. I do number work with DS who is 3 because he likes to, not much letter stuff. We read a fair bit, again because he likes too. He is watching TV at the moment. Will have to wait and see if he is good academically. I suspect he will be good at numbers rather than literacy and I think that will be genetic.

DD is 9 and bright. Good academic ability and a good level of self motivation. She's not exceptional, as a friend of ours is (he's studying for 11+ and is ridiculously motivated to work for it). My dd won't do stuff at home unless she wants to and always does homework last minute.

I was a SAHM from her being 4.5 yrs. Prior to that I'd worked from her being 14 weeks old. I taught through play during the early years and still do so, when I can, though it gets much harder as they get older.

I do think she had some benefit for me being at home during the formative years...it gave her a headstart. However, if you've read the Hare and the Tortoise you'd be INSANE to think that a headstart means you're onto a winner! We have had a good start and I'm grateful for that, but how things go from here is up to my girl, her attitude and (to some degree) her teachers. It's very little to do with me.

The top 10 kids (from academic results only) are from single parent families, traditional family units, have working parents and in fact, I suspect I'm the only SAHM there was. That kind of blows holes in the theory.

I personally think it doesn't boil down to what you do in the day for work, it comes down to the small pockets of time when you can teach informally or formally.

And, of course, as many have pointed out...kids sometimes bloom a little later, so it's never as cut and dried as it may appear.

Stop beating yourself up...you're a great mom or you wouldn't be worried about this and if you gave your kids the choice, they probably wouldn't want their lives to be any different...

(sorry...meant to say I worked part time from her being 14 weeks...so I had two days a week to 'work' and play with her.

With my two (9 and 11, both boys), they are very different, but both bright.

I am a reader and go through books like they are going out of fashion. DS1 is exactly like me. If left to his own devices (and told not to turn the TV on!), he would simply read all day every day. His reading age is about 16, I'd guess. I can't get him books fast enough.

DS2, on the other hand, would rather try to skin a rat than open a book. He hates the fact that the school books for his ability range are "just silly stories". He much prefers to read snippets of factual information from books like The Guinness Book of Records.

It pains me that DS2 does not like to read, but I take comfort from the fact that he is making progress. He is just on a different timeline from his brother (who, incidentally, had a very fraught start to reading at the very beginning). One day it will all work out, and when he's 20, no doubt we'll all have forgotten that he was a bit slow to get into it.

"But what about the message a SAHM sends to their kids - particularly their girls? Would you like your DD's ambition in life to be a SAHM?". Jaw on floor here too. All hell would let loose if a SAHM dared to criticise a working parent like that.

Personally I tend to listen to research and psychologists who seem to suggest that all other things being equal, children benefit from the first 3 years at home and have a more secure attachment, generally, if that is the case. Does that lead to better reading ability and better life performance?

"But what about the message a SAHM sends to their kids - particularly their girls? Would you like your DD's ambition in life to be a SAHM?"

My jaw has hit the floor and made a mark on my nice wooden floor!

Oh we are all being very polite today aren't we? Have I missed a diktat from MN Towers that no one is allowed to yell at outrageous statements.

Well sorry, but I am going to dive in............I really, really object to that statement. And I'm not a SAHM by the way. (Though on reflection, my work status is irrelevent.)

I believe people should try and do their best for themselves and their families. For some staying at home is best, for others working and parenting at the same time works best.

I don't think its helpful for posters to look down purely because someone has made a different choice (forced or elective)......... I would hope I will bring up my kids to recognise diversity.

...unless of course they are pouring Fruit Shoots down their kids throats in which case they are beyond redemption! )

Sorry OP for going off on a tangent but I couldn't let the statement by a respondent go unchallenged.

But what about the message a SAHM sends to their kids - particularly their girls? Would you like your DD's ambition in life to be a SAHM?".

Oh dear what a statement....

My mum was a SAHM and I had never anything but respect for her. She has produced a girl (me) who has loads of ambition. I never equated my aspirations with my mum's choices.

I have done both SAHM and working and I would second what others have said on here, that people would have done a wide mix of things, most of them worthwhile, including choosing to spend some time with the children.

I agree - do what's right for you and the family and don't beat yourself up.

I have worked both part-time and full time over the years of DCs growing up. I've also always put up with a messy house as activities with the children are more important - outings, reading, cooking, gardening at the week-ends for example. I am lucky in that we have 2 bright DCs who do not appear to have suffered from my working. I think you can do a lot to create a stimulating environment by using time carefully, sharing activaities with friends/relations if you have them, and making the most of opportunities offered locally and by school.

The thing that did bother them was when I had to keep going down to London for 2 nights or more a week. My job needed this but after 4 years I left that job to take a loacl one that didn't demand this travelling. Everyone was happier.

I'm a sahm. My kids all read very well, well those that are at school. But it has nothing to do with being a sahm.
I don't hear them read every night and if I do hear them it's only for a short time. Don't worry, please!

hey Indigo you don't have to be a SAHM forever you know - I've got a very good education and worked pretty much solidly until I was 36 when my dd was born. I am now a SAHM and no doubt will return to the workforce in some shape or form in the future, or maybe not. I would love if my dd followed in my footsteps as so far I've had a pretty good life all things considered and have had the best of both worlds. Being a role model is far far more about the sort of person you are whether you are "out" at work or at home taking care of your children.

starrychime your dd is still so young she'll catch up and honestly I don't think it's anything to do with being a SAHM. My niece (7) is top of her class and her mum works 2 days a week. You do what you can and at the moment your top priority is bringing home the bacon - don't beat yourself up about it.

Oh stop it, chime. There is no correlation.

Do you want to stop work and are looking for a reason?

Reading the original post, not being in the top set is not the same as falling behind, and we all have strengths in different areas, which are not necessarily those things set down in school curriculums.

Keep learning fun, and follow your child's interests - a possibility is that the material she is being given is not that interesting to her. It sometimes happens that children don't shine in early years at school, yet have a very high ability, the problem can be boredom or any number of other factors.

My mum worked full time, and I don't think that did us any harm! In her favour, Mum would take my sister and I to the library occasionally on her days off. This helped to reinforce the idea that reading is something self-directed for pleasure, not something done with no other goal than to reach a given standard.

Try and let go of the guilt, we all do our best for our children in our individual circumstances, whether working or at home.

I was a SAHM of two girls and a boy.
Eldest girl did ok, not really interested in books. Second girl v bright, knew stuff without being taught. Youngest boy slowish at reading.

All went on to get good degrees.

I suppose it is reassuring for DCs to know mum is there at home but pretty boring for the mum (though there was no internet then so could be more interesting now) but doubt it has much effect on their reading ability.

I'm a single mum who works 5 days a week with 4 quite young children who (I think) do really well at school. They're confident, sociable, happy with lots of friends and really enjoy all the learning opportunities their school brings. But tbh when we're at home together we concentrate on family stuff. Watching TV together,park, playing, cooking/eating together etc. I certainly don't do reading with them every day 'cos i just can't manage it. Often I think the school responds to the majority of parents expectations with homework and reading. I apologised to my daughters teacher for not reading with her every day and his response was that he took pride in how well he did his job so she shouldnt need to do anything at home but parents complain if they dont get homework! Then you wonder who actually does the homework...

well I am a sahm and my daughter has struggled with her reading since starting recpetion last year. I dont know many sahms who spend the whole day "enriching" their child so I wouldnt worry too much - it almost certainly makes no difference to the child.

OP - really don't worry. with my dd who is also v nearly 7, something seemed to click with reading a couple of months ago and I now use removal of books as a threat and punishment. I'm sure that your dd will have a lightbulb moment and suddenly get it, or maybe she won't but will be great at something else.
I fully understand your disapointment - I too love to read and always have and really want my kids to love it too.

BTW, I work full time out of the home too and really struggle to fit in reading time#
Good luck