Problems with a teacher who is also the mother of a child in DD's class

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Hi, I hope you don't mind me changing name for this but I think that the teacher in question may well be a mumsnetter and I am concerned about potential repurcussions.

DD is just about to go up to Y3, one of her friends at school is the daughter of one of the teachers in Y3. In reception, I invited this girl over for tea (knowing that with her mum being a teacher, it was unlikely to be recirocated). She came over and there were no probles. When we dropped her home, her mum said to DD "you'll have to come and play in the holidays" and then, accordingly to my DD said to her several times at school, "I'll give your mum a call and ask when you can come and play with my dd". Over the years nothing happened. Then once in Y1 when DD saw this teacher and they were talking DD said "I'd love to come to your house for tea some time would that be ok", to which the teacher didn't reply but just walked off. (Yes, I know it is rude to invite yourself to tea but bear in mind she had just turned 5 and was responding to repeated assurances from this teacher that she could).
Fast forward a year and dd was playing with this friend who said to her "I wish you could come to tea but every time I ask my mum she says you cant' because you are a rude little girl". Now, my DD is probably one of the kindest, nicest, well mannered girls in her class, I would of course think that, but her teachers always mention it in reports and other mums always say "Oh we love having 'DD' over because she's so friendly and so polite". So I don't think I'm being biased. I think this teacher has just got the wrong idea somewhere down the line. DD is incredibly (over) sensitive and she cried about this for weeks, kept saying "am I a rude girl mummy? don't people like me" and things like that. It took a while to build her confidence up again.
So, this year they move up to the year that this woman teaches, she is moving into the parallel class because she can't teach her daughter obviously, but she will teach my DD for some things such as English and Maths if the groups work out that way. So, what, if anything, do you think I should do about this situation - watch and see if she is overly-negative to my daughter, or express concerns earlier.
I should add that despite her daughter and my dd playing together every day at school and getting on very well, when she had a party recently she did not invite my DD but did, to the surprise of several mothers, invite their DD's who they don't think she has ever played with and they were not expecting their DDs to be invited. Only 2 girls in the class were excluded.

Please don't think I'm naively assuming my daughter is perfect, I know she is over sensitive, I know she can whine, I know she has her problems in some areas, as they all do. But I also know that she is the kindest, most polite girl and would not have earnt the label 'rude'.

I am beyond angry that this woman may teach my DD and I think that if you are going to teach at the school your DCs go to then you should not be telling them your opinion of their school friends. But should I do anything? and if so what? or should I bite my tongue and feign friendliness?

if it was me I would take this to the head, I think that calling your DD names is unacceptable, she is very naive if she thought her 5yo wouldn't repeat what she said to you DD or other children in the class

I understand about not wanting to "rock the boat" if this woman is going to teach some subjects, but the whole idea of not rocking the boat is about not wanting this teacher to treat you DD differently right? well she is ALREADY treating her differently, excluding her from whole class parties and name calling so I think the "don't rock the boat" option is out the window already

Hopefully this woman will soon see what kind of person your DD is, and change her mind.

I don't think there is anything you can say or do, except rise above it.

Hang on hang on. You don't KNOW what the mum said to her daughter re the 'rude little girl'. You were getting this 3rd hand through two 6 year olds. If it was me I would ask the mum if what she said was true and why because it has obviously upset your dd. There is probably some crossed wires somewhere. She probably feels your dd has 'wronged' her dd somewhere along the line and it would be good to clear the air.

I wouldn't do anything. Hopefully, as Lynette says, the teacher will change her mind as she gets to know your DD.

I think somewhere along the lines the mother must have heard something untrue re your DD - the rudeness thing can't have come from the self-invite; there must be more to it. I think inviting the DD home again might be the way to go - it will sort of force a conversation, IYSWIM.

Failing that, you'll just have to see how it goes. I'm sure the mother will be professional and if she does teach your DD, will see for herself that she's a nice kid.

Thanks for the messages and opinions. Another element I forgot to add was that DD is writing out her invitations for her party at the end of August. We can't invite everyone as we are having the party outside of the house. Should we invite her DD to come to the party even though she excluded my DD from her party? DD's nearly 7 year old reasoning is "I want her there because she is my friend, but I thought I was her friend too and I don't know why she didn't invite me to her party, so I think maybe she shouldn't come to mine". I'm at a loss of what to suggest because I feel annoyed on her behalf and don't want her to know, but also am not really enthralled at speding £x to take her child out for the day when she couldn't squeeze one more child (my DD) into her party at home.

Expect the teacher would just deny saying anything. My ds (SN - social problems/few friends) used to be very friendly with a teachers child but the teacher did not like ds. DS was in tears when the child said "Mummy says I can't play with you any more because you're nasty". The child also came up to me saying "my Mum says" etc.. so I do believe that it was actually said. I raised this with the school but had the response that I got for all my concerns with them - "oh no, that wasn't said/that didn't happen" etc. Invite her to the party by all means but I expect the mother will have an excuse! I know I sound bitter but this was just one incident that happened at an 'outstanding' school which resulted in my ds having to have professional trauma counselling.

Firstly I would be "bigger" than this person and invite her daughter if your child wants her friend at the party the ball is the teacher's court then so to speak
secondly although this woman is a teacher what she says and does outside school has nothing to do with the head so unless she carries her dislike into the classroom there is nothing to be gained by bringing it to the school's attention.

Yes, definitely be the 'bigger' and more gracious parent re the invitation.

I wouldn't say anything at this point since what would be gained but a denial from her/souring of relationship/awkward year ahead? And given your fears I'm sure you'll be watchful next year.

Plus, I would hope that the teacher would come to form her own relationship with your dd. And if she does indeed think ill of your dd, that she realises she got it badly wrong. You'll soon know.

I think I would invite her dd and be completely honest with her. Say that the girls are really good friends but you had heard as hearsay from the girls that she does not approve of the friendship. Ask her why that is and whether she has got her wires crossed as you haven't had any other issues with playdates etc. I would ask her in a good-natured, informal way, rather than a "let's sit down and discuss this" type way. If she has misheard something from another parent, or seen a one-off incident or something then at least you can defend your dd and point out the hundred successful playdates you've had. I would want to set her straight, in a nice, but firm manner, I wouldn't want anybody thinking badly of my dc, particularly if it were unjustified.

If she doesn't want to discuss it, or is unapproachable or whatever then I would be wary and keep an eye on it, but it might clear the air and make her realise that she is being a bit mean.

Hmm, you see, this is where teaching at your child's school (or rather, having your children attend the school where you teach) falls down. And I speak as someone who used to do it, although nothing like this ever really came up.
It would be upsetting enough if it was just a "normal" parent (allegedly) speaking about your child in this way, and excluding her (as one of only 2 in the class) from a party. But when that same woman is going to be fairly closely involved in teaching the class next year, it's not on. I know the Head has not actually given her her DD's class, but there must be lots of friendship links between the two groups, so I would say it is unsatisfactory for her even to be in Year 3 at all. We cannot even have our TAs in the same year-group as their kids, let alone the teacher.
Bide your time. Rise above it, invite the child to the party (if your DD wants to) and see how it pans out. Your DD's lovely nature, manners and behaviour will win her over once she gets to know her. That will be your quiet, private victory.

I agree with Pixie.
Clam interesting what you write. one of the boys in the other Yr 1 class, his mum is a TA, since he started school. she has been in his class in reception and now is again in yr1. i do know she does the ocassional yr 2 class aswell, bit only occassionally. is this not standard then ?

I very much doubt the teacher DID say that about your DD.She would have enough sense to realise that it would get back.I think you are placing far too much reliance on what 6 yos say as being gospel !!
I think the most likely explanantion is that the teacher's DD does not like your DD as much as your DD likes her.She maybe plays with her in a large group and the party was probably just for a limited number and your DD just wasn't one chosen.
Many times i have said some thing vague like 'we really must have such and such for tea sometime.' and then my DC has said 'no way' or else we just haven't got round to it.Also i would imagine she's too busy in term time to do too many tea invitations.I think you are over thinking the whole thing.If your DD wants said child, inviteher, if not don't.

Oblomov, as pixie says, it depends on the Head's view on the matter. But I think it's not fair on the adult or the child. And even if they're both OK with it, it can give rise to all sorts of gossip, assertions of favouritism etc... that it's just best all round to avoid if you can. It's also a bit claustrophobic for the child. Home and school become inextricably mixed and however sensible the mum, it must be potentially quite hard to see all the inevitable squabbles of school life being played out around your PFB and trying not to get involved.
Depends on the size of the school also, but as this is a 2-form entry one, it's not rocket science to shift people around a bit.

I think it is more likely the teacher made a passing comment about it being rude of your daughter to invite herself to tea which her young daughter has focused on and believes it is the reason why her mum says no to your daughter coming to tea...

katiestar's dd says no way when katiestar suggests inviting someone round she doesn't like ? really. my ds would never say sucha thing. he gets excited at the idea of anyone coming round. but also suggests one freind in particular, often, which of course, i do invite becasue thtas what he wants.
but its not just my son who is like this. every mum i speak to ad ds's school, either dd or ds is the same. they seem incapable of having nasty thoughts about anyone. and would never ever ever say no way.
but i do accept that sometimes one child likes another more than one. but i just don't think this is the case in this scenario.
at our school we have alot of problems with mums being very PFB and very controlling of who their dd/ds mixes with.
quite a few mums have said to their ds/dd's 'you are not to play with her/him anymore'. i have heard of 4 mums doing this in our year of 60. and mums have told me that their ds/dd is now thus excluded from a small group.
this is mums controlling friendships not the dd/ds's.
does that not go on in your school katiestar ?

Are you really saying there is no child your child dislikes?I have invited unpopular children round out of pity before and it just doesn't work.It is hard work and unfair on the invited child if he knows the host child is only 'putting up' with him.

I think you need to think about how you would deal with this if the other mother wasn't a teacher at your DD's school... would you call her and ask her about the 'rude' comment or would you let DD invite her to her party and be the bigger person? Then respond as you would for any other mother.

Being a teacher in the same school as your own child can be tricky and for me it means not speaking about school until my DD is fast asleep in bed unless I'm talking about something positive. Likewise when her friends come to tea I only ever talk about positive things that have happened at school. Usually I only have friends home on the day I don't teach, partly as a way of separating me as Mummy from me as the teacher but it doesn't always work out like that if one of the other mums needs their DD to come home with us.

I will never be put in my DD's year group unless there is a dire emergency one day that means I'm free when her class needs covering - it's unlikely though. I wouldn't bring it up with the school, ask the other mother about it as a mum to mum thing, "DD's got it into her head that you think she's a rude girl... just wondered if you could put her mind at rest".

i think you need to resolve this. i would speak to the teacher and explain what has happened, exactly as you explained to us - that you didn't expect the invite to be reciprocated, cos she was a teacher, that your dd kept thinkinhg she would be invited, etc. the whole story just as you have told us with no blame laying on the teacher, just that she knows there has been a misunderstanding and that your dd is upset.

then forgive her, hopefully she will want to resolve this too. we are all human beings. i think you should give her a chance to make amends

I think you should just let it go.If she thinks your DD is rude , then that's what she thinks and you asking her about it won't change that.
Or if it was a 6 YO prattling then there's no point bringing it up is there.Just let your DD invite who she wants.

katie, no there is no child that my son dislikes. no child in his class, that I KNOW of, that dislikes any child. they have friends, better friends, and people that they don't know hardly at all. but no dislike.
i have only invited about 6 children round since he started school. some many times.
i only invite the children he asks for/ the children he says he plays with alot.
why would i invite an unpopular child round out of pity ? i don't know anyone who has done this.

so OP what are you going to do ? ask her outright, what your dd has done to upset her ?

there are no unpopular children. one minorly rough one that i would deep down prefer if ds wasn't friends with. which he isn't. and even thta lad has friends and they do 'make a new friend week' aswell. so he can't be lonely.

as far as i am aware, none of the 60 children are unpopular of lack friends.