Help i feel bitter

[molk]

I know i sound bitter, so please help me to put this into perspective. When my ds started reception he didn't know the alphabet, could barely write his name etc.. He has tried really hard all year and is now a confident reader, has lovely handwriting and writes in proper sentences with punctuation. He got a great report saying he has made exceptional progress, and exceeded all areas of the EYFS.
So why has he never received a school award, when his contempories get them for things like writing something barely legible, or behaving for one week? Don't teachers realise that the ones who work well consistently need encouragement too?

Sometimes the 'naughty' or 'rude' or 'thick' work ten times as hard as those who are able to just do it.
They have to think and work out what and how at every moment of their lives..

I do know the frustration of it though.. Ds1(15) isvery able, works hard and behaves well.. And he puts effort in..
His reward?... A very bright future
ds2 .. Tries he really tries.. He is gifted in some areas.. However.. He is asd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.. And struggles to do things like read how to behave in the playground etc.. He works far harder than ds1 and still gets it wrong. He knows he gets it wrong and gets very upset about it..
His reward.. A bit of paper and a book to say well done.
Dd.. Is able.. But quiet. And gets on with things.. She gets a bit lost in the reward stakes.

arseniccupcake - you sum it up very well with your DC

You dont just reward the naughty, rude or thick children though (as you put it) .. I would say less able. You reward children that work hard - including the brighter children.You dont descriminate again the brighter children just because they are bright .. they have to work hard too.
All children should be treated equally!

I see this from both sides.

DS1 is always pretty well behaved, and doesn't really get noiticed.

DS2 can be a little challenging and was the first in their class to get an award for good behaviour (they are both in a mixed Yr 1 and 2 class).

DS1 gets annoyed at times that nobody notices him. But DS2 really tries hard to get the stickers/certificates etc, so it does motivate him. Whereas DS1 is obvioulsy self-motivating.

I do feel for DS1, but I also appreciate the effect that it has in motivating DS2.

using the words Naughty, rude and thick .. I am using the words that I hear other parents say about my ds2 not something I personally use.. He is also not less able.. He is very able, he just has to do things in a different way.
There is not one parent in the playground who use less able... That is just a sad fact.. These children are seen for their behaviour in society rather than their hidden disabilities.

Yes all children should be rewarded.. I and the school however cannot treat my dc's the same.. Because they have different needs.. To treat them the same would cause more issues.
( if ds2 got a sticker put on him.. He'd go barmy!)

i agree that the children who work hard, are well behaved and do good work should be used as positive role models, to give the others a clear idea of what they are striving for. Often it seems the other way round.

So, Icklepicklesmum an SEN child isn't 'good and hard working'? As TheArsenicCupCake says some of the ['less able'' - as you put it] children have to work ten times harder, and have to cope with bodies or minds that work in a different way to others,. This means they suffer frustration and anxiety because they are aware that people judge them against their peers. They are good and hard working, and coping with a multitude of other factors into the bargain.
Lets hope that our children are brought up to accept that the world is full of different people with different abilities but that simply doesn't mean that one group deserve more respect or praise than another.
And as for language used to describe SEN children by non SEN parents in the playground, my child, who had to come into school in his wheel-chair was called a 'Spaz', nice, lets hope that life never gives them a rough deal!

Oh yes the word 'spaz' .. And 'geek' , 'alien freak' and many many others has been hurled at ds2 by the children.. Naughty, thick, weird kid... By the adults of many of those well behaved hard working peers.

Also... Why does ds2 get 'extra' playtime in the afternoon..when he's horrid? Is a comment made by parents..
Little do they realise that due to their children constantly yelling 'spaz' and having a go at break times.. Ds2 can't cope during break.. So the only time he gets to go out and play is this 'extra playtime' .

Let alone the exclusion of party invites, social events etc... Not because ds2 is horrid or unmanagable... Purely because he's the freak kid.

As it happens ds2 has had an award named after him.. He is the first to get it.. But it is to be used for many years to come..
It is for determination, trying hard all of the time and being kind to others.

I hope many pupils win this award... Whether they have SEN or not. It will be an achievement for anyone who wins it.

just a little bit.. more proud of him for being him though

heck you never know dd who gets a bit left out might get to win it..in a few years!

Dt2 ? SEN ? gets lots of awards , often because he is a very small class and gets the opportunity frequently and he tries really hard. He doesn?t come home with fantastic marks and doesn?t get everything right. He is used to being ?less able? than Dt1 in just about everything , PE, academic stuff , music , drama , the lot. By him getting awards for trying hard/being kind and thoughtful etc , it gives him the opportunity to be proud of his achievements . He is aware that he is not as bright as his twin but as yet its not a big issue for him. He will have many years for that reality to sink in so I am glad that for now the school are helping to build his self esteem by recognising his achievements.

Dt1 ? very capable, does get an award now and again . I think all the children in the class get an award at some stage. When Dt2 gets his awards at assembly Dt1 puts his head in his hands and goes ?not again? (in a mock fashion) . However he is very aware that he is more capable at everything and gets a lot of satisfaction from coming home with his top marks in his spellings and maths and his glowing reports. That?s a reward for him in itself.

Can I just add that generaly the children in the class accept the SEN, and any behaviour traits they may or may not have. The problems come from the parents opinions, and then the children change their attitudes too. It's a shame but there you go, the children overhear the parents making a comment and then come into school and 'share'.

Absolutely to both points giddy... Trouble is.. Who has the SEN?

With the regard to the first point.. The children get their attitudes from somewhere.. So it's no suprise really..and sadly it is very common.

Actually mycars I was talking about naughty children not children with SEN - my mum is a SEN teacher so I have been brought up around children with SEN. My point was only aimed at naughty children not people with special needs. My child has a very good friend that has SEN as well. My other point was that all children should be rewarded equally. Each child should have their own targets. As you say, a child with SEN works hard too. A naughty child should be rewarded when they are good and not when they are bad - for instance, not when he has locked the class teacher in the cupboard as had happened at my daughter school.

Arsenic - in my daughters school they have charts to put the sticker on. They have to get 4 little starts on the chart to get a big star and 5 big starts to get a certificate. In her current class this is given for all different things so each child can achieve it as is done on an individual basis. This works well. The rewards system in this class is a lot fairer than in her reception class.

I do wonder how much of these "There was a child in my child's class who shot the teacher with a sub-machine gun, then got an award because he mopped up the blood nicely, and knocked on the Head's door when he went to tell her what he had done" are sactually urban myths. Or at least, seen through the filter of a 7 year old reporting what they thought happened yesterday. Because in all my years as parent, paretn helper and governor, I have never heard of anything like that happening. I have, however, had lots of parents complaining about the "special treatment" little Johnny gets and how unfair it is, and how they want that for their child, without stopping to think that their child can read, and has friends and can go out to play and has hands and a brain that work well... and little Johnny has to struggle every day of his life.

"As it happens ds2 has had an award named after him.. He is the first to get it.. But it is to be used for many years to come..
It is for determination, trying hard all of the time and being kind to others"

Arsenic, that is wonderful. And what wonderful attributes, your DS should be a real success in life.

Hear, hear, seeker.

And I say that as the parent of a child who bravely goes into school every day even though he struggles really hard, and who gets ignored by other kids in the playground, and who cries because he's useless at handwriting.

And who was never on the rainbow (cloud is bad, sun is ok, rainbow is good) on the wall until I told the teacher how much he longed to be on it. And who has never been to a special achievers assembly even though he tries and fails, tries and fails.

And who has parents of other children coming in to complain because he can't understand social rules enough to respect other children's space or work. And who doesn't get invited round to play.

But am I bitter? No, I'm not bitter. I'm proud of him, as proud as anyone could be, because I know how hard things are for him and what he has to go through, even if he never gets an award.

Ah yes the 6yo child whose repeated bullying culminated in stabbing DDs friend with scissors last year used to get golden time and got to pick which child would be forced to play with him etc etc - so demotivating for the other children

Thanks Taff.. I do hope so.. We are working on it

I experienced it too. DS, well behaved, bright, largely ignored by Yr1 teacher - she even said to me I barely know him he's so well behaved. It annoyed me at the time because I'm sorry I think he deserves his percentage of her time just as much as anyone else - maybe not all the time but a bit more than he got. He picked up on these things very early. And no, for a child, it's not particularly a reward to know things for you are easier than for others. All you see is others getting praise and stickers and attention when on the whole they've spent the day misbehaving, upsetting people around them and disrupting the class. Very incomprehensible for a small child. A boy that spat in my DS's face in yr3 got rewarded with a coveted part in the school play that same day - and no he wasn't even good at acting. Yes they should get rewarded for good behaviour but the well behaved ones should too, even if that comes naturally.