11 year old entitled or depressed?

[Purplebasil]

Hi 👋

I really need some advice please regarding my 11 year old please 🙏
I don’t know what to do anymore.

Brief background. Her dad and I divorced when she was 3. I quickly got together with and got pregnant with my now husband (no affair just an fyi!) My daughter and I moved out of our little home and about a month before I was due to give birth, moved in with my now husband. We’ve since moved into a bigger house for the last 5 years, got married and had a third child and are a very stable loving family of 5. Despite the not very nice circumstances of my me leaving my ex, we have managed to establish a very civil relationship focussing purely on our daughter.

When my daughter started school she was quite the handful and she actually had weekly therapy at school. I thought it was a good idea with her behaviour and how she was and also could address any issues she may not be telling us. Therapist had no concerns and my daughter really enjoyed seeing her.

Covid hit, but all was well. Happy go lucky child. No issues. Plain sailing.
She is now in year 6 and since year 4 she has changed again. Some days I think maybe she’s being an entitled brat, some days I think she’s depressed and some days I think it’s hormones. I’m so stuck.

My daughter gets spoilt, she’s very privileged in the sense that her dad is not short of a penny or two and she gets what she wants when she’s with her dad. On the flip side we break our backs with work making sure our children have lovely holidays, experiences and family time. I had a horrid b*tch for a mum growing up and because of the divorce i’ve always always ensured my daughter knows she’s very much part of the family and she has three parents who love her and we talk a lot to make sure there are no issues. Emotionally myself and my husband are very available to her, my husband often has 121 chats with her too as to make sure everything is ok and to just help and give advice! She is very very loved by everyone.

Materially she is probably spoilt. She has an iphone, tablet etc and wants for nothing. She spends a lot of time on her phone (which has parental controls on) and has an absolute fit if I reduce her time on it. She would happily spend 24/7 on her phone in her room. Nothing else matters!!!

Behaviour: Lazy, ungrateful, not very nice to her middle brother, MISERABLE. The miserable thing is probably the hardest element. It’s so bad it almost feels put on? It was her birthday last week and she didn’t turn the corners of her mouth up once when opening gifts unless it was money. I purchased 3 low cost but very much wanted items and didn’t get any emotion. There was a smile when she received money. I took her and her 3 friends out for dinner that night. No thank you from my daughter for any of it. She looked totally depressed walking to school on her birthday. Her face is permanently miserable. When I ask her she just says that’s how her face is.
We remind her every night to brush teeth more than once and she often doesn’t do it. Never tidies her bed even though I nag and we have set up pocket money weekly if she does three simple tasks (to include tidying bed) and even this isn’t motivation. She doesn’t want to be active and is quite obsessed with food. Is rude to her brother which then sets him off being upset or now that he’s older he retaliates and shouts at her. If he starts talking to her she can be quite mean.
There is so much I know i’ll forget a lot here!!!
I gave them an after school treat the other day of an oreo donut, she had hers and her brother didn’t want his so she ate it, without even asking without thought. (entitled?)
She can be very dramatic and possessive if her brother comes in her room she will go mad and if he gets past her door and goes to look at something the whole house knows about it. She slammed the door so hard one day she smashed his toe in quite bad. I felt awful for him as he was only bringing her up her gummy vitamin. She get dramatic and sometimes cries when she has to bath and wash her hair.
Likes to try and make me feel bad/guilty/rubbish mum with comments.
Example “It’s pancake day next week” so I reply with I know, what toppings shall we do. She then comments with “we never do pancake day” to try and make me feel bad and I ask her why she’s saying that because since the beginning of time i’ve always made pancake day a big thing.
Theres a lot of “why don’t you do this” or “my friends mum lets her have this why don’t you”,
or good example I got her a new hoodie she wanted and there was a tiny tiny mark on the sleeve which must’ve been from something in the bag or similar. The first thing she says is “why is there a mark on it”. It’s constant and I think what is the point here. It’s a battle and I just can’t see what i’m doing wrong here. Am I messing her up some how??
Her dad says she is very much the same at his house.

I have spoken to her teacher and her behaviour / effort at school is exemplary - “role model pupil” she doesn’t have any proper friends at her school and often by her choosing sits on the bench at school on her own.

We have talked in depth with her so much about things to try and see what’s going on and how we can help. This happens at least once a week. But nothing changes. She has one on one time with me too.

I just feel nothing is good enough but then on the flip side i’m wondering if she’s just massively depressed?

I just want her to be happy and content.
I had a horrid childhood myself so I doubt and question my parenting all the time because I don’t want any of my children growing up hating me and needing therapy like I did!!
I am overly protective of my children i’m guilty of that. But I know i’m very emotionally available for them, i’m present and affectionate and loving and materially they are very lucky and want for nothing.

This whole thing with my daughter is becoming a daily conversation now and it affects the dynamic of the house. I hate to say when she is at her dad’s the house is a lot more harmonious. Which is really really sad.

Sorry it’s long. I just really need advice at this stage because I don’t know what to do anymore.

She’s been through a lot and she’s only 11
her family unit splitting up
two new babies
a new step dad
covid

she may have lots of material things but she’s clearly not happy - don’t confuse stuff with parenting (goes for your ex too)
she needs kindness and support from you - you’re spread thin if you’ve had two more kids
hormones will also be at play
take her out just the two of you regularly - prioritise her and her feelings
the food is to do with emotions she can’t express

oh and she knows that you prefer it when she’s at her dads

What were the consequences of hurting her brother?

Yeah she is spoilt. And yes it's you and your h and ex h's fault. She's got you wrapped round her little finger!

She sounds lonely and unhappy.

What issues came up in her previous therapy? When you say "no issues", what do you mean?

Your post contains many examples of you saying she is fine and also that what she thinks is incorrect. But also contains information that she is isolated (sitting alone, having no friends, removing herself from the family environment), setting up locii of control around food, and not taking care of herself (hygiene, room environment). I wonder how things look, for her.

Thanks for your input but I have mentioned within the post that we are both very communicative, available emotionally and physically for her and that I do spend 121 time with her and that she does get prioritised.

If I wasn’t those things I would be doing that before writing a post on here. I do all these things and it’s not enough so i’m at a loss.

To be honest I can’t remember. A telling off would have happened at least.

A tween not wanting to do chores and being upset their brother goes in the bedroom sounds absolutely standard to me.

was it play therapy when she was 5? Standard talking therapy is not normally used for young children as they tend not to have the understanding and words to properly access it.

i’d suggest keeping her brother out of her room and listening to her. A blended household does tend to be hard to manage and it usually does have an impact on kids.

In her previous therapy the therapist was happy with how she was feeling. She didn’t believe her to be anxious/low and had no concerns whatsoever. She spent a lot of time with her so I trusted this at the time to be true.

With the isolation thing,she did join us last night and I told her that it was lovely and she did stay down stairs for a while. So that was great. When I asked her why she wants to be alone on the bench at school she doesn’t have an answer. Just that she wants to.
Re hygiene, I’m very on top of it and I feel like I nag her so much about basic hygiene and she still doesn’t do it (I suspect because the phone so more important sometimes)

she doesn’t feel that though and that is absolutely clear from her behaviour
she needs much more - and some kids need a lot more than others
youre absolutely minimising the disruption in her life - divorce , new home, new step dad, new siblings, covid - adults would have a really tough time dealing with all that never mind a child

Hi 👋

Yes it was exactly that, play therapy. My daughter really enjoyed the sessions with her.

I can imagine it’s hard on children in a blended family. I just feel like I do everything to make it the best environment but i’m getting it wrong somehow and I just want her to be happy.

Has she hit puberty/showing signs of nearing puberty? Some of this sounds like age/hormones.

She also sounds spoilt in material things but very unhappy emotionally. I know you say that you are always there for her, but this is at odds with you not understanding her behaviour. So you might think you are there for her, but she's not happy to talk to you. Would more therapy help?

Nobody should be going into her room unbidden.
Tell her siblings they must knock and wait at the door.

That is basic manners.
The rest of it I don't know.
Others will have more insight.
I Can see it must he hard for you.

This sounds so tough OP. Do you have any screen limits in place? I wouldn’t underestimate the negative effects of phones/screens, they are very addictive and will be contributing to her isolation. I say this as a parent who was always fairly relaxed with screens - I did have to be strict at this age though as my son would have spent all day playing Fortnite if I’d allowed it. Higher screen time definitely had a direct negative effect on his mood/overall happiness.

She has far too much time on her phone alone! You need to be brave enough to deal with this. It will isolate her even more. Who knows what garbage she is spending her time watching - I bet she’s hardly developing a budding career in film criticism is she? She needs to feel part of a family who would miss her if she wasn’t there.

HORMONES

my son, blended family, positive parents on all sides etc turned into a demon age 12.

hes so much better age 14 tho still has his moments.

its tempting to blame it on family set up but at that age it’s likely hormones.

just hold tight for a rough couple years OP. Try not to react, stay available, keep the boundaries in place. She’ll come out the other side!!

edit to say thst I agree phone time must be dramatically reduced no matter the histrionics. That’s a non negotiable and is to support her health, exactly as brushing her teeth is a non negotiable to support her health.

You need to limit the phone.

She should not have a phone in her room and its use should be limited and monitored.

She may have become stuck in a habit of seeing things pessimistically, that may be her default due to genetics (does her father show any of the traits you describe in her?). Even if she was more cheery when younger, our personalities do change over childhood.

But, encouraging her to see positives in life could help her form new patterns, e.g. having a convo at tea each evening where everyone thinks of 3 good things in their day so far. You need to set a good example, stuff like seeing a lamb on the way to work, or a lovely smile and a thank you from someone could be candidates - it may feel wierd at first, but you may find it makes you feel more cheerful too!
I also think that her feeling low doesn't remove the need for basic politeness, she needs to say please and thank you, and not hurt her brother, and should see consequences if she doesn't do those things; that may have to be removal of a small privilege if repeated after after one reminder/warning, if as you say, she doesn't care about pocket money.
Finally, I'd put in place ground rules about her room as she's getting to an age where she'll naturally want more privacy:

• if the bedroom door is shut, everyone knocks and waits for an answer before opening it (the exception is if theres no reply, and she needs to get up for school or something, then parents only can open anyway, but knock furst, give her a warning)
• siblings don't go in her room until invited in (and she has to respect their space in the same way).

Signs of phone addiction can manifest themselves in ways that look like other things.

How much time does she spend on her phone and at what times of day?
What apps does she use?
If she follows creators, what kind?
Have you ever found evidence of her attempting to hide her history on her phone?

Is the lack of friends at school a new thing?

From your posts I see a very unhappy child, no friends, possibly overly compliant in school, either demand or sensory avoidant. Some thing is going on and she needs some help.

I would look into reducing phone usage or maybe getting the finch app or non electronic organisation system.

My DD can be similar. She has a very locked down phone which is not allowed to be used in the house.

I've made a real effort to find things to do together that don't involve money as I was starting to feel like a cash cow on our days out and she would strop if I didn't buy her things. So now we do puzzles, video games, walks. I look for things that mean we can talk, no pressure and no siblings around, about school, friends etc. and she feels a bit heard.

Crikey, you talk very casually about divorcing, remarrying, having more children, and YOUR "little family" but it's not necessarily hers! She may be feeling all sorts of things she can't put a name to or articulate clearly.

Poor scrap, she's only 11 and look what she's had to go through, completely out of her control.

Some deep thinking for you to do @Purplebasil

It's all there in the OP:
She's spoilt.
Her mother is overly protective.
Her dad gives her everything she wants.
She spends far too much time on her phone and (seemingly) her parents don't enforce strict screentime limits.

The answer seems pretty obvious......

Better boundaries and consequences for poor behaviour. Ditch the phone (!!)- there are links between too much screen time and poor mental health. Get her in some after school clubs/hobbies/sports to help her socialise outside of school. Once a week she gets 1-1 time doing something she enjoys with her mum.

Many children experience divorce. It doesn’t sound like this is the crux of what is making her ‘unhappy’, but it is an easy scapegoat excuse for anyone taking a surface level approach to looking at this situation.

Get a life and stop putting your misery on the internet to make other people feel bad.

It's sounds like a lot of talk and very little action, take the phone off her as a start, some 11yos might be able to handle a phone but it's clearly negatively impacting her.
Be the adult in the room, don't expect her to articulate and explain all her feelings, you can see what makes her happy and what doesn't. Gifts and phone clearly not, maybe go have fun just the two of you?

I don't think she's gone through much outside the ordinary for her peer group, she'd barely remember being three, it's just you putting it in the post that reads like it must have an impact, but it's a very adult explanation for a child problem. Could you be making too much of everything, over thinking and actually making in worse with all the long chats. They come with the pressure and expectation of having all these feelings and opinions and maybe she just wants to be silly and carefree.