Hi 👋
I really need some advice please regarding my 11 year old please 🙏
I don’t know what to do anymore.
Brief background. Her dad and I divorced when she was 3. I quickly got together with and got pregnant with my now husband (no affair just an fyi!) My daughter and I moved out of our little home and about a month before I was due to give birth, moved in with my now husband. We’ve since moved into a bigger house for the last 5 years, got married and had a third child and are a very stable loving family of 5. Despite the not very nice circumstances of my me leaving my ex, we have managed to establish a very civil relationship focussing purely on our daughter.
When my daughter started school she was quite the handful and she actually had weekly therapy at school. I thought it was a good idea with her behaviour and how she was and also could address any issues she may not be telling us. Therapist had no concerns and my daughter really enjoyed seeing her.
Covid hit, but all was well. Happy go lucky child. No issues. Plain sailing.
She is now in year 6 and since year 4 she has changed again. Some days I think maybe she’s being an entitled brat, some days I think she’s depressed and some days I think it’s hormones. I’m so stuck.
My daughter gets spoilt, she’s very privileged in the sense that her dad is not short of a penny or two and she gets what she wants when she’s with her dad. On the flip side we break our backs with work making sure our children have lovely holidays, experiences and family time. I had a horrid b*tch for a mum growing up and because of the divorce i’ve always always ensured my daughter knows she’s very much part of the family and she has three parents who love her and we talk a lot to make sure there are no issues. Emotionally myself and my husband are very available to her, my husband often has 121 chats with her too as to make sure everything is ok and to just help and give advice! She is very very loved by everyone.
Materially she is probably spoilt. She has an iphone, tablet etc and wants for nothing. She spends a lot of time on her phone (which has parental controls on) and has an absolute fit if I reduce her time on it. She would happily spend 24/7 on her phone in her room. Nothing else matters!!!
Behaviour: Lazy, ungrateful, not very nice to her middle brother, MISERABLE. The miserable thing is probably the hardest element. It’s so bad it almost feels put on? It was her birthday last week and she didn’t turn the corners of her mouth up once when opening gifts unless it was money. I purchased 3 low cost but very much wanted items and didn’t get any emotion. There was a smile when she received money. I took her and her 3 friends out for dinner that night. No thank you from my daughter for any of it. She looked totally depressed walking to school on her birthday. Her face is permanently miserable. When I ask her she just says that’s how her face is.
We remind her every night to brush teeth more than once and she often doesn’t do it. Never tidies her bed even though I nag and we have set up pocket money weekly if she does three simple tasks (to include tidying bed) and even this isn’t motivation. She doesn’t want to be active and is quite obsessed with food. Is rude to her brother which then sets him off being upset or now that he’s older he retaliates and shouts at her. If he starts talking to her she can be quite mean.
There is so much I know i’ll forget a lot here!!!
I gave them an after school treat the other day of an oreo donut, she had hers and her brother didn’t want his so she ate it, without even asking without thought. (entitled?)
She can be very dramatic and possessive if her brother comes in her room she will go mad and if he gets past her door and goes to look at something the whole house knows about it. She slammed the door so hard one day she smashed his toe in quite bad. I felt awful for him as he was only bringing her up her gummy vitamin. She get dramatic and sometimes cries when she has to bath and wash her hair.
Likes to try and make me feel bad/guilty/rubbish mum with comments.
Example “It’s pancake day next week” so I reply with I know, what toppings shall we do. She then comments with “we never do pancake day” to try and make me feel bad and I ask her why she’s saying that because since the beginning of time i’ve always made pancake day a big thing.
Theres a lot of “why don’t you do this” or “my friends mum lets her have this why don’t you”,
or good example I got her a new hoodie she wanted and there was a tiny tiny mark on the sleeve which must’ve been from something in the bag or similar. The first thing she says is “why is there a mark on it”. It’s constant and I think what is the point here. It’s a battle and I just can’t see what i’m doing wrong here. Am I messing her up some how??
Her dad says she is very much the same at his house.
I have spoken to her teacher and her behaviour / effort at school is exemplary - “role model pupil” she doesn’t have any proper friends at her school and often by her choosing sits on the bench at school on her own.
We have talked in depth with her so much about things to try and see what’s going on and how we can help. This happens at least once a week. But nothing changes. She has one on one time with me too.
I just feel nothing is good enough but then on the flip side i’m wondering if she’s just massively depressed?
I just want her to be happy and content.
I had a horrid childhood myself so I doubt and question my parenting all the time because I don’t want any of my children growing up hating me and needing therapy like I did!!
I am overly protective of my children i’m guilty of that. But I know i’m very emotionally available for them, i’m present and affectionate and loving and materially they are very lucky and want for nothing.
This whole thing with my daughter is becoming a daily conversation now and it affects the dynamic of the house. I hate to say when she is at her dad’s the house is a lot more harmonious. Which is really really sad.
Sorry it’s long. I just really need advice at this stage because I don’t know what to do anymore.