What can I do to get a calmer house?

[pinkyponkyplink]

Two daughters 10 and almost 13.
what can I do to get a calmer house especially in a morning?

10 year old is very nest and tidy, hates being woken up in a morning and screams at me, the dog, her sister and anything in her way. I try to go in very calmly, offer a cuddle and say good morning but I get told 5 minutes/10 minutes etc. I have to take her to the childminder before 7:30 so I need her dressed for 7am. I leave her as late as I can but then it ends up a frantic rush and her shouting at me as things need to be done but there’s less time as she’s put off getting up constantly. On a weekend she is bouncing round at 6 wanted her screen time code for her iPad!

13 year old is so messy. Pants left in trousers, trousers on the floor, make up and hair things all over her dressing table, and to top it off, doesn’t flush the toilet. I’m constantly nagging her.

feel like I’m a bad mum to both of them. One for rushing and the other for constant nagging. I give everything I can to make them happy but I have to work and hubby leaves for work before me.

im constantly worried about the noise in the house and the memories we are making of these crazy noisy mornings. Bedtimes aren’t much better to be honest and follow a similar pattern in reverse.

Any tips?

Focus on calm within yourself

Hold your time boundaries with your 10yr old - decide what time you need to get her up to be ready on time comfortably and stick to it. Don’t let her grumpiness affect your ability to keep the time.

13yr old - leave her to her own devices in her room. Her room, her decision to keep it messy. With my 12yr old the rules are he absolutely must sort out any rubbish, laundry and dishes in his room regularly (because they’re the things that affect my investment - the house itself), and the rest I leave him to his own devices.

13yr old - set an effective consequence for the toilet flushing. Set expectations - bathroom is shared space, it’s absolutely not acceptable to leave it messy, the consequence will be xxx (no screen time, no pocket money) and you must stick to it.

When you kids have feelings (anger, stroppiness, whatever) and you then feel guilty, angry or whatever, take a moment to acknowledge your feelings, and then you’ve got a choice - stick to your rules/values, or wobble? The choice is totally yours, not your kids’.

The lack of calm is the emotional wobble inside of you - not the external mess/noise/kids.

By age 10 I think the younger one could be responsible for getting herself up in the mornings? Does she have an alarm clock?

Have you tried an alarm clock? My 10 year old always wakes up grumpy, but I starting setting an Alexa alarm to play music 10 minutes before I go in to her in the morning, and it really helps her have a calmer start to the day.

Yes she has an Alexa. It just sounds the alarm forever until I turn it off! How do I get it to play music?

Don’t give her the iPad pin at the weekend if she can’t get up in the week. Simple. The pin is a reward for not shouting and for being ready on time, every weekday morning.

@WornouttodayI appreciate that but also then think that she can’t help it. Do you think this will stop her losing her temper when she first wakes up? What if she is angry 2 days and ok for 3 mornings? How would I manage that? I appreciate your comment but just trying to justify my parenting. It’s the hardest job

I know but at 10 she needs to start learning consequences for bad behaviour. I wouldn’t tolerate such a stressful start to the day for my family, it’s upsetting for everyone. Does she tend to rule the roost?

Yes she does. Possible autism

It’s just so hard and I’m open to ideas. I’ll try the alarm and not giving screen time but how does it work if she has one bad morning. I find this part of parenting hard

Can bed time shift so she is getting more sleep? You may need to try an early bedtime for a couple weeks for her body to adjust before you decide if it's working. I am rarely up by 7am. Anything with a 6 at the start is night time for me so I would struggle too. But I'm a night owl. If I go to sleep earlier then the early mornings are easier.
I agree she needs a motivation for such an early start. I would start with ok 2 mornings this week you need to be up without a grump about it. Then you can have your iPad. Then move to 3 mornings, then 4, then 5. Explain this trajectory to her and get her on board. Help her see that he current behaviour isn't acceptable but you want to work together to make it work.

I get the hectic mornings with my grumpy 9 year old. I have to get her up early too when I work morning shifts. I start at 7am but aim to get to work for around 6.30-6.45 as I'm not permitted to travel in uniform. This means I'm getting her up early to get ready for school as her 16year old brother takes her to breakfast club for 7.30(i wouldn't expect him to tie her hair up for school so i do it before I leave for work)aswell as making sure their packed lunches are done so that all he has to do is take her to school club. then him and my 11year old make their own way to school themselves.luckily I work alternate shifts a week of mornings then a week of afternoon shifts where I use after school childcare to cover the hours between after school and my work shift ending

Then you give her 3/5 of the reward eg screen time, that she would otherwise have had. Set out consequences clearly in advance, not after the event, then it's her choice.

When I read your post I was thinking 'ooh she's describing my 2 girls' my tidy one is ASD my untidy, unable to get up during the week but fine at weekends (also school avoident) one is waiting for an ADHD assessment! Your unable to get up one could be struggling with school which is why she's fighting it, worth a look at.

I was awful in the mornings as a teenager. My mum went for the fully spoiling me route and used to bring me up a bowl of porridge in bed.

I'm not saying it is necessarily going to teach her any life lessons but it might stop her snarling at you.

Can one of the two parents amend their working pattern? This sounds hellish, and an awful way for you all to start every day.

I’m afraid the only tip I have for maintaining a calm house is get rid of the children. Nothing else works. Sorry!

That's pretty early to get up every day, can you work flexi and start later a few days a week? Could you and your DH alternate weeks so the days can start a bit later and the mornings be calmer?

For the 13 year old, I think that's just teenagers, I think so long as you can shut the door on her room then it's not your problem! How do bedtimes go for the 10 year old? First make sure she's definitely getting enough high quality sleep, stick to a firm routine, dont get stressed (being shouted at does not make anyone sleepy) and ensure they dont have devices too close to bedtime or any caffeine if they like cola etc. Also check she's not avoiding school for any reason/anxious about going in. If she is all ok, then I agree with the first post - you are in control of the mornings and her emotions don't control you. Yes you will feel frustrated or guilty if she's grumpy, that's ok, it shouldn't ruin your day or change what time she needs to be ready by. I always find reward works better than consequence, can you have a particularly nice breakfast that goes away at 7am, or something she likes (I was a sucker for breakfast in bed and/or my clothes being popped on the radiator to warm up), my youngest likes help with her hair and I'm only available if we are ready in good time (she can do it herself fine but likes an elaborate style).
I also find if I'm prepared (or the kids) the night before it's easier (bags packed, lunches done, shoes and coats by the door) then it's just getting them/me sorted not all the pe kits/water bottles/instruments/lost shoes etc. I also absolutely dictate that I get 5 minutes of calm with a coffee (even though it means I'm up earlier to get it). If I'm set up and calm, then it's easier to let the kids drama slide off you a bit.
Dont plan on bedtime or morning being magical - they aren't for most. Make memories other times and don't hold a grudge about the grumpy mornings. Also, dh can help - he might leave earlier but can he prep breakfast, or bring you that cuppa in bed.... don't shoulder everything just because you take them.

Change your working hours?

Very clear evening routine.

Earlier bedtime for 10yo. Before bed everything for the following day needs to be downstairs on the sofa/by the door. Clothes, PE kit, library book , water bottle, whatever.

I know it sounds ridiculous everyone saying try and shift your morning later, but they did studies in America and a lot of the states moved their school start time an hour later because children top end of primary school and in secondary school benefit from sleeping and it actually helps their brains work better.

https://www.apa.org/topics/children/school-start-times

Try a light alarm clock, they gradually light up over 30mins, so you wake up gradually and won’t be in a deep sleep at wake up time

I know you said husband leaves for work
earlier but can he get 10 year old ready or lunchboxes ready or something else. If they just get to sort themselves out in the morning and go to work then that’s not fair.

My work hours are set unfortunately and hubby works a good drive away so leaves the house at 5:50 every day

Definitely earlier bedtimes for all.