What can I do to get a calmer house?

[pinkyponkyplink]

Two daughters 10 and almost 13.
what can I do to get a calmer house especially in a morning?

10 year old is very nest and tidy, hates being woken up in a morning and screams at me, the dog, her sister and anything in her way. I try to go in very calmly, offer a cuddle and say good morning but I get told 5 minutes/10 minutes etc. I have to take her to the childminder before 7:30 so I need her dressed for 7am. I leave her as late as I can but then it ends up a frantic rush and her shouting at me as things need to be done but there’s less time as she’s put off getting up constantly. On a weekend she is bouncing round at 6 wanted her screen time code for her iPad!

13 year old is so messy. Pants left in trousers, trousers on the floor, make up and hair things all over her dressing table, and to top it off, doesn’t flush the toilet. I’m constantly nagging her.

feel like I’m a bad mum to both of them. One for rushing and the other for constant nagging. I give everything I can to make them happy but I have to work and hubby leaves for work before me.

im constantly worried about the noise in the house and the memories we are making of these crazy noisy mornings. Bedtimes aren’t much better to be honest and follow a similar pattern in reverse.

Any tips?

Exactly what I was thinking. I’d be cheesed off too!

Embrace the fact she is grumpy in the mornings, and stop jollying things along. Wake her up with a quick good morning and with plenty of time. She doesn’t have to be happy to be awake so early. You can acknowledge it is tiring, rather than changing her.

No food or drinks beyond water in the bedrooms and leave the other ones room. I often offer to ‘help’ tidy rather than do it all for them.

Have you tried a visual timetable that she gets to tick off as she goes along so she knows exactly what needs doing in the morning? (one thing about ASD is that time is a very abstract concept that is is tricky. Timetables are often used. I also saw someone who had coloured in the face of a clock with different colours for different tasks, so as the hour hand moved round, it showed the time the next task had to start - this was for the afternoon and involved an hour of homework, teatime etc. You could adjust and use the minute hand). It also saves having to try and hold to many things in her head - even if they seem fairly simple things (this is the thing that makes me angry and could be the same for her!).

If you wanted to use screen time as a reward as someone else suggested, you could award screen time in increments relating to how many good mornings she's had?

Definitely get everything ready the night before (set out uniform, decide on breakfast etc) If bedtimes are bad, you'll need to do it before! Mine is a lot younger but if I want anything doing, I have to do it as soon as she gets in from school (this works for us, then we sit down and have chill time - I know others would need a break first). Timers/targets might help for the untidy one. Every evening you could have 5 mins of tidying time or set a target of doing 5 things towards tidying her room (she can spot the 5 things she's going to do with you before hand if she needs help or just tell you the 5 things after as she gets better. It might not mean the whole room gets done, but it will keep on top of things. It would probably be easier if you did something in there (not necessarily tidying - could be a task you need to do like making the shopping list etc) at the same time. Look up body doubling. It's only 5 mins so should be achievable.

Hope you find something that helps from the suggestions you're getting xx

just want to say that I am so grateful for these supportive comments. I was expecting to get the ‘get a diagnosis’ comment but these are all very useful kind comments and very much needed. It’s made me feel like there are manageable solutions. Definitely going to try the 5 minute tidy, music to wake her up, trying to keep calm myself, sticking to timings, etc I do get everything completely ready the night before so everything is out and ready to go.
thanks again. Keep the suggestions coming x

Sounds really tough on all of you, but especially on you as the adult trying to maintain calm.

Try and separate the two things - the getting ready child, and the messy bedroom one. The morning routine is the one that has a greater impact on everyone’s start to their day.

Choose a quieter time at the weekend to talk through what might help and include your DD in the plan. Some excellent ideas here - earning iPad time is a good one, an hour/30mins per ‘good’ morning might work. Explain the impact it has on you. At 10 they’re old enough to consider others.

TBH this brings back awful memories of difficult mornings so I really hope you find something that works. Once she’s better at getting ready, tackle the untidy non-flusher. The untidiness isn’t that big of a deal in the great scheme of things but not flushing is revolting and I bet she’s not like it at friend’s houses!

I don't think a messy bedroom needs to be your problem unless it's food waste which encourages vermin.
I'd start getting the bad riser up earlier not later if she can't get herself organised. A lie in is the luxury of the organised and disciplined.

Calmness won’t help your kids, they are rude and brats.

It might be worth considering why you have made it your job to create a calm house. It’s up to everyone to help with that op. It sounds like people pleasing, and fruitless as they are determined to not oblige. It’s also creating pressure. Some acceptance that they are not morning people and not allow it to upset your own equilibrium. It’s not a parenting failure that your house isn’t a serene pool of calm.

@LoudPlumDogabsolutely no idea where the ‘spoilt’ comment comes from. Spoilt because I encourage them to get up and keep tidy bedrooms?

@Nestingbirdsyes fair point although I would say that it’s me that struggles with the loud noises and upset more than anyone else so that’s why I want a calmer house

@pinkyponkyplink you can set your alexa to come on with music in the app. It's in something called routines I think. Have a Google, it can definitely be done.

My 12 year old sleeps through an alarm. What works best for her is a fitbit and it buzzes on her wrist. One of the light ones might be a really good idea that someone suggested. Might try that for my 12 year old!

Your older one is just at that age I think. We have a 10 minute tidy after school of bedrooms. Set a timer. In that time washing can go in the basket. Any cups downstairs. Clean washing put away.

We have early mornings too. Husband leaves about 615am, he does the packed lunch. Rest of us leave about 745am. Do as much as possible the night before.

Do you really need the childminder ? At 10?

leave the 13 year old mess in her room . it’s her space. She will get there in the end.

@childofthe607080si use the childminder as I’m not sure about leaving her to walk to school by herself yet

If she's not good in the mornings and you have to leave before her I understand this.

But lack of responsibility breeds incompetence

A 10 year old being the last person in the house to lock up and get themselves to school on time? Especially a child who struggles in the morning. In my house our work times would mean a primary child was on their own for a full hour. I was a latch key kid and even I went to a random neighbour in the morning to see me off to school. After school is different as you don't need to be time bound. I don't think a 10 year old who can't manage their own getting ready and going to school without anyone in the house for a whole hour is incompetent.

@EatSleepDreamRepeatthank you. Exactly how I feel. She goes to the childminder for this reason, and also to allow the 13 year old time to get out to school without any drama

Gosh you could have described my two, same ages as well

Younger one I find it actually works better if I wake her a bit earlier so she has time to come round and doesn’t have to move super fast. She’s just not capable of getting ready in the most efficient way so we have to build in faffing time. Also an earlier start helps get her to sleep better in the evening (she is a night owl), melatonin also helps with this.

Older one I don’t have any great ideas, mine’s great at getting up and ready but her mess drives me crazy! Mine forgets to flush half the time too and can’t seem to put a lid back on anything. I have started confiscating anything I find without a lid for 24 hours, and the loo I make her come and flush rather than doing it myself. Hopefully these will have an impact... The whole “let her be messy” doesn’t work for me as the toiletries will end up all over the carpet.

And yes of course you need childcare at 10 for the morning run. You can leave a 10
yo home alone for a bit but you really can’t expect them to get ready, lock up and get themselves to school on time all on their own. Or I couldn’t anyway.