2nd week of secondary school and my y7 daughter has been called a ‘sheep’

[Pinkosspo]

2nd week of secondary school and my y7 daughter has been called a ‘sheep’

My daughter has very curly mixed race hair and one of her staple hairstyles has always been a high pony table which she loves and is easy & practical for the mornings.

During her first week she had bunches and told me that she was worried to have a high pony tail as there is another girl with similar hair type, (albeit) blonde who had been wearing that hairstyle. This child is a very dominate, loud, feisty type who my daughter admires but is also (I think! A bit scared of. They all part of same friendship group - which is another issue as I would prefer her to be friends with some of the calmer, more stable children. However; she’s told me that she’s tried with other kids but they ignore her.

It’s upset me that my daughter felt she couldn’t wear her hair how she wanted to and I also wanted her to see she was overthinking and worrying over nothing.

I styled her hair in her fave high ponytail style only for her to comeback home telling me that this child has whispered to another child that she was a ‘sheep’

I know it seems pretty harmless but I’m so sad that she’s already been labeled and that my beautiful daughter can no longer wear her hair proudly - in a very standard style. I am also now concerned that this other child sees her as a vulnerable target and the name calling may get worse.

It’s surprised me that an 11 year old can be so immature but then I’ve heard girls are nasty and vicious on secondary… but it’s only week 2! She’s still finding her feet.

The other sad thing is that my daughter likes this other girl and a few of the other bigger characters. She’s drawn to them for some reason.

Any advice/tips would be super helpful? Ive told her to take no notice and it’s clear the other girl is jealous that my daughter has such lovely hair too and that’ll blow over. She’s wearing high pony again today so hopefully she’s not too affected although she was sobbing last night.. 💔

Oh God kids can be vicious.

Sorry no advice, just solidarity. My daughter just start Year 7 and I'm worried about bullying and issues starting up.

Secondary can be a hard blast of reality after primary.
The first few weeks especially are all about jockeying for position etc and friendships can be volatile. Kids this age can just be vile!
She shouldn't have to change her hairstyle for anyone so maybe a good opportunity to talk through resilience and holding her own. Give her the confidence to go her own way and challenge those who mock her, easy to say but difficult to do I know!

DD had pretty smooth transition but did come up against "mean girls". She was able to hold her own and challenge them which meant they then left her alone and she found a great little group of other friends outside of the "popular" group. It was tough at the time but paid off.

So you recommend me teaching her to challenge this child? She boasted about ‘breaking her ex’s arm’ during the transition week.

I’m unsure whether this will make things worse but also I agree it’s important to let her know not to mess with her. Perhaps let it slide this time but be ready to challenge if it happens again? What kind of things should she say?

Not challenge out of context but certainly challenge if things are said. When I say challenge I obviously don't mean fight but have comebacks ready. DD had a bank of comebacks and developed a great bombastic side eye and a cutting lying sarcastic wit.
It's hard also if your DD doesn't have her tribe of friends yet to support her. DD said 1 key thing was to act like it didn't bother her and just continue what she was doing.
Thankfully she handled it and it settled down within the first month and hasn't re-appeared at any point (now in Yr 9).

The other thing is don't be afraid of reporting incidents to her tutor also, especially if you feel they could be racist etc

i don’t think the comment was racist but I’ll def be chatting to her tutor about it.

Hard to think of comebacks really - I’m not good at this sort of thing. And yes, she’s got no one else to go to as this girl is friends with her friends/

I just said to imagine her a toddler and laugh it off. Can you think of a comeback to someone whispering the word ‘sheep’ about you to one of your friends?

She’s also had a few other girls asked her why she’s ‘copying’ this persons hair?! :(

Definitely laugh it off. DD would probably have said "baa" loudly next time she saw that girl 🤣

Then she just needs to shrug it off and have a comeback

Can you help me with some comebacks?

Just tell her to BAAAAAAA loudly in the girls face and walk off.

My year 7 has had something trown at her and hears a racist slur. Week 2.

So sorry to hear that! What did she have?

If it was me, I think id rock up with a load of photos of me with my hair in that particular style, find a good excuse to show them to this girl and then chuck in a 'at least you can see i always have my hair like that, so not a sheep after all' type comment, laugh it off and breeze past it. Subtle but to the point. Non confrontational but enough to let the other girl know I had heard what she said.

The other girl is being ridiculous. She can’t gatekeep a pony tail! I would just advise her to completely ignore the silly comments and to try and find nicer friends by joining clubs

"Actually, it's a "Pony" tail, not a sheep's"

Not sure going in with a load of photos does anything except show them they got to her... maybe a different hairstyle every day/few days to show that she can change her hairstyle whenever she feels like it, and doesn't care what they think.
Make the teacher aware, but don't have them called out over it at this stage, it will only make things worse, just be there to support when she needs it.
Hopefully they'll stop if they see she's ignoring them.

I think that's the last thing I would do, it's just going to look like the OPs DD is really bothered by the comment which will encourage them even more!

OP you need to teach her to shrug things off, give a witty comeback and move on. Act like she isn't bothered.

If they see she gets upset about a hair comment then it will escalate.

Is it just me who doesn’t think it warrants any comebacks and definitely not turning up with photos or anything! You’d come over as a bit mad to be honest. It’s sheep, not shithead or something!

She definitely needs to learn to shrug this sort of petty behaviour off and I really don’t think this warrants a chat with the teacher by mum! Tell her to baaaa loudly, tell the other girl to do one or just say ‘whatever’ with an eye roll. The less bothered she appears the less likely it will happen again.

If other girls are confronting your daughter directly, that's her chance to say "I've been wearing it this way for years" or "... since I was seven..." or "a lot of girls wore this style at my old school" or whatever. She can even laugh and say that some people think the style's weird but it's really comfortable, it's the only way to keep her curly hair off her face all day, etc. Or if she's bold, "ha ha, yes, this style is kind of out of fashion now but I still wear it because my hair's so uncontrollable - guess (bully's name) has the same problem!" The other girls will likely see she's telling the truth and not bothered, and the bully will probably stop when she sees she's not getting a big reaction.

Is she confident to answer back and stand her ground? A pony tail is basically the standard hair style for all people with longer hair that need to tie their hair back.
You can't own a ponytail as a style.
Does she do any confidence building activities outside of school like drama or karate etc. These will help her.
Also, encourage her to get involved with some of the school clubs when they bring out the list, and this will help her to form new friendships in the school.
There are always loud bullies in school. Often masking their own insecurities.
I remember I was bullied by a girl in year 7 and one day I just snapped and followed her around the corridors shouting 'why are you so mean Abigail, do you have issues at home, does your mum hate you, what makes you such a mean person, you have issues' etc and she never spoke to me again.

The best thing is to ignore this girl and find new friends. DO NOT go in with a photo.

However I did find it useful with mine to come up with as many comebacks as possible together at home. Not to use but just to laugh at the situation. They eventually say 'Mum, I'm not going to say any of these' but they know you've got their back which is all that matters.

Saying 'baa' is funny, as is 'it's a pony tail not a sheep's tail' because it's showing she doesn't care. Could say 'I think Barbie wore it first actually' or 'If I was going to copy someone it would be X (nice person) not Y (hopeful queen bee)' or 'No, it's just an unfortunate coincidence'. Maybe have a week of having a different style each day (like Elle in Legally Blond) and if anyone comments say 'yeah, why would I want people to think I was copying her' or 'just trade marking all my other hairstyles' or 'high ponies are getting a bit passé, even Y is wearing them now'.

I agree with the do nothing at this stage but prepare her if it happens again.

As an aside, bunches for starting secondary perhaps wasn't the wisest choice.

Just help her with a couple of standard lines of the 'you can't lay claim to a pony tail' type.

Wow you invented it? Your time travel must be great

Shame yours is lacking bounce. Must be the wool that helps mine.

You are such a trend setter, you've influenced half the population.

At this stage they are testing the water. She needs to learn to brazen it out even if she doesn't feel it.

What’s wrong with big curly bunches. They are very fashionable for mixed race girls and women. Very cool!

I just think it's a harder look to pull off when you are trying not to be a little girl.

I know older people do wear this style but it's the beginning of year 7 and you are trying to establish you are not a primary kid, it's just not something I'd put into the mix.

An eye roll would do the job. Please don't teach your daughter that the other girl is jealous. It's unlikely to be true. If anything, suggest that the girl is not very nice and your daughter would be better looking for friends elsewhere.

I’ve tried this but she says all the friendships groups are formed and she is friends with a lot of same friends as this other person