Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

My 11 year old stepson keeps crying

30 replies

1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 22:08

I have an 11 year old steps son who has just finished primary school and starts secondary in september.

We've had him with us for most of the summer holidays and he keeps crying and getting very emotional over random things like not getting an easy question right in a game or no crumpets left for breakfast. Initially we thought it was normal to be a bit emotional about leaving primary and apprehensive about starting secondary and we've asked him how he's feeling and he's said to us he's worried about secondary and he really misses his teachers. When we tried to reassure him that most of his class were going to the same secondary he didn't seem very fussed about it and it's made us concerned that he may not actually have real friends as he doesn't seem to go and play with other kids his sge, only with his cousins who are much younger.

His mum pushed for an autism type diagnosis but this never materialised into anything and during year 6 he really seemed to have turned a corner and get my,he more confident however now he's crying over what seems like nothing constantly.

Unfortunately we have little to do with his day to day school life as we live 2hrs away but get the impression he isn't involved in much extracurricular stuff and has historically been a bit of a loner at school until year 6.

Should we be concerned that this is more than secondary school jitters or is it normal?

Also what's the best thing to do when he cries of has an angry outburst?

OP posts:
Psychicpineapple · 09/08/2025 22:09

I don't have sons but I know from my nephews that boys are often like this. I think it's expected of girls to be emotional and hormonal but boys go through a lot of changes too.

BeltaLodaLife · 09/08/2025 22:13

Did his mum take him and move 2 hours away? Or did you and his dad move away from him?

He need his dad involved in his day to day life and his school life.

Original poster
1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 22:15

Psychicpineapple · 09/08/2025 22:09

I don't have sons but I know from my nephews that boys are often like this. I think it's expected of girls to be emotional and hormonal but boys go through a lot of changes too.

His birthday is in July so he is a young 11 year old so we were expecting him to be quite emotional but he's had several transition days before summer and loved every one so we were hoping it would reassure him that secondary would be fime. We're just worried it may not just be that and there may be something else going on. In all honesty I'm not too sure what to look out for hormone\puberty wise in boys of his age, I always thought that came later in boys

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 09/08/2025 22:17

End of year 6 is a funny time. It feels like the end of their childhood in a way.

Original poster
1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 22:20

DinaofCloud9 · 09/08/2025 22:17

End of year 6 is a funny time. It feels like the end of their childhood in a way.

Do you have any ideas of how we can help?

We've tried talking about it, ignoring it, and trying to keep him busy doing stuff whilst he's staying with us, and been trying to encourage him to interact with locals kids - although this has been a struggle as he's quite socially awkward

OP posts:
BeltaLodaLife · 09/08/2025 22:21

1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 22:20

Do you have any ideas of how we can help?

We've tried talking about it, ignoring it, and trying to keep him busy doing stuff whilst he's staying with us, and been trying to encourage him to interact with locals kids - although this has been a struggle as he's quite socially awkward

Show quote history

There isn’t much you can do if you’re not involved with his daily life and won’t be around when he actually starts high school. That’s just the way it is. Either move closer to him and be involved fully in his life or accept that there really isn’t anything you can do and leave it to his mum.

Ikeameatballs · 09/08/2025 22:33

1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 22:08

I have an 11 year old steps son who has just finished primary school and starts secondary in september.

We've had him with us for most of the summer holidays and he keeps crying and getting very emotional over random things like not getting an easy question right in a game or no crumpets left for breakfast. Initially we thought it was normal to be a bit emotional about leaving primary and apprehensive about starting secondary and we've asked him how he's feeling and he's said to us he's worried about secondary and he really misses his teachers. When we tried to reassure him that most of his class were going to the same secondary he didn't seem very fussed about it and it's made us concerned that he may not actually have real friends as he doesn't seem to go and play with other kids his sge, only with his cousins who are much younger.

His mum pushed for an autism type diagnosis but this never materialised into anything and during year 6 he really seemed to have turned a corner and get my,he more confident however now he's crying over what seems like nothing constantly.

Unfortunately we have little to do with his day to day school life as we live 2hrs away but get the impression he isn't involved in much extracurricular stuff and has historically been a bit of a loner at school until year 6.

Should we be concerned that this is more than secondary school jitters or is it normal?

Also what's the best thing to do when he cries of has an angry outburst?

I’m interested in your comment re Autism. I read it as you and your partner not thinking that ASD was appropriate but in your posts you’ve described;

-Anxiety ++ over change
-Difficulty with social interaction
-Struggles with emotional regulation

Could Autism be at least part of what is going on?

fatgirlswims · 09/08/2025 22:35

poor kid! If he’s upset cuddle him, if he’s angry, reassure him, then remind expectations then reprimand and give him a cool down. Do not threaten to remove fun activities or face a consequence if it just and emotional eruption. Reassure, remind reprimand.
Pre empt and avoid situation like breakfast.
Don’t play games that can be lost. Or are high stakes.
it will be even harder being two hours from “home” and going to a new school so this is very unsettling time for him. Ensure he has plenty of time at home before he goes to school
take him and buy him some school bits like bag and shoes or coat and stationary. Get the things the cooler boys will have rather then the childish ones. So a nike backpack and so on. Money permitting of course. Don’t catarrophise. Say it’s exciting and don’t engage with a negative conversations, divert them

is everything ok at home?

Littletreefrog · 09/08/2025 22:39

Both my boys went through a teary stage when I had imagined they were past that. If I think back it was probably around 10/11/12 years old.

There may be more to it for him but also it may be completely normal. If you haven't had concerns before I would just ride it out, be calm and supportive and see how it goes.

TheGrimSmile · 09/08/2025 22:40

I would also suspect potential autism. Could you get an assessment? Or has he been assessed?

PeonyBulb · 09/08/2025 22:43

Secondary schools are better at dealing and noticing autism and ADHD etc but you must bring it up with them as they’re not usually allowed to broach the subject first

Also get his hearing and eyesight properly tested. This can also bring up any dyslexia or dyspraxia issues

Lolapusht · 09/08/2025 22:46

Definitely look into ADHD. Even if you don’t get a diagnosis/he doesn’t have it there may be coping techniques that you all can learn to make life easier.

PenguinLove1 · 09/08/2025 22:49

Totally normal, my son also did the same between primary and secondary school- it settles once he started school. Its nerves and hormones and change all at once, just focus on comfort and calm for him just now

Bellyblueboy · 09/08/2025 22:51

How is communication between his mum and dad?

it sounds like his dad is quite detached? Could they sit down and discuss what exactly is going on, what triggers these emotions etc?

it doesn’t sound like his dad knows a lot about his world, and his mum is left to manage this. For example, did his dad help with the push for an assessment? Does he know what triggered mum’s concerns and why it didn’t happen? Could he pay for private assessment is airing lists were the problem?

does he attend teacher meetings? Do school pickups occasionally to see who he walks out of school with? See what birthday parties he is invited to? What after school activities he attends and enjoys?

FlappyThing · 09/08/2025 22:52

Maybe he is missing his mum and either struggling to articulate it or not wanting to admit it? I can’t imagine my boy going away from me for most of the summer and not feeling extremely upset and probably angry about it.

LillieLoo · 09/08/2025 23:07

Have you spoken with his mother?

She should know what is going on and she will know how to help him.

Original poster
1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 23:10

BeltaLodaLife · 09/08/2025 22:13

Did his mum take him and move 2 hours away? Or did you and his dad move away from him?

He need his dad involved in his day to day life and his school life.

His dad moved away for work when he was 6 months old as his mum refused to move out of her parent's house and live with him. He has never known any different though and me and his dad have been together for a few years now and he stays with us most weekends and practically all holidays. His dad is as involved as he can be with school stuff whilst living so far away

OP posts:
Original poster
1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 23:13

BeltaLodaLife · 09/08/2025 22:21

There isn’t much you can do if you’re not involved with his daily life and won’t be around when he actually starts high school. That’s just the way it is. Either move closer to him and be involved fully in his life or accept that there really isn’t anything you can do and leave it to his mum.

Show quote history

We are as I evolved as we can be without moving down there. Unfortunately they live in a remote area where there are no job opportunities for us. We actually are probably more involved in his life than his mum is despite him living with her during the week.

OP posts:
Original poster
1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 23:17

Ikeameatballs · 09/08/2025 22:33

I’m interested in your comment re Autism. I read it as you and your partner not thinking that ASD was appropriate but in your posts you’ve described;

-Anxiety ++ over change
-Difficulty with social interaction
-Struggles with emotional regulation

Could Autism be at least part of what is going on?

Show quote history

He has had assessments done in the past but always been inconclusive and he seemed to be developing really well throughout year 6. We were the ones to push for a EHCP at secondary but we didn't get one and we were the main ones contributing to the assessment - his mum only had generic stuff to say about him based on what teachers saw at school. They thought he may be dyspraxic but not to a level that needed intervention despite him having a teaching assistAnt at primary school and various copimg.mechanisms. I still think he could be mildly autistic but it's so hard to get a diagnosis especially as we don't see the behaviours when he's with us, or at least not.til.this summer

OP posts:
Noshadelamp · 09/08/2025 23:18

I remember my ds being like this at that age. Hormones, end of school year burnout, anxiety and trepidation about highschool all come together in a swirling mass of emotions.
So it is normal behaviour for this age.

Having said that, my son is most likely ND, we didn't realise at the time as he was very academic and didn't have any problems at school.

When he was in primary school It was only the disruptive kids that would get assessed.

Original poster
1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 23:22

fatgirlswims · 09/08/2025 22:35

poor kid! If he’s upset cuddle him, if he’s angry, reassure him, then remind expectations then reprimand and give him a cool down. Do not threaten to remove fun activities or face a consequence if it just and emotional eruption. Reassure, remind reprimand.
Pre empt and avoid situation like breakfast.
Don’t play games that can be lost. Or are high stakes.
it will be even harder being two hours from “home” and going to a new school so this is very unsettling time for him. Ensure he has plenty of time at home before he goes to school
take him and buy him some school bits like bag and shoes or coat and stationary. Get the things the cooler boys will have rather then the childish ones. So a nike backpack and so on. Money permitting of course. Don’t catarrophise. Say it’s exciting and don’t engage with a negative conversations, divert them

is everything ok at home?

We dont threaten him or remove activities and we are always supportive and for space for emotional regulation. He spends holidays and weekends with us so he's used to.being a bit further from his mum's over holidays and they FaceTime every few days as do we when he is at school. We've taken him to his.transition days, went into town to get all his uniform, bag sex and been talking to him about the extra subjects and clubs he could do at secondAry and focus on the positives. We play board games a lot but very low stakes and he usually loves them and I do think it's important for him to experience not winning sometimes.

Everything is great in our house, and from what his mum says it's all good there too

OP posts:
Original poster
1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 23:23

PenguinLove1 · 09/08/2025 22:49

Totally normal, my son also did the same between primary and secondary school- it settles once he started school. Its nerves and hormones and change all at once, just focus on comfort and calm for him just now

Thank you will do

OP posts:
Original poster
1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 23:30

Bellyblueboy · 09/08/2025 22:51

How is communication between his mum and dad?

it sounds like his dad is quite detached? Could they sit down and discuss what exactly is going on, what triggers these emotions etc?

it doesn’t sound like his dad knows a lot about his world, and his mum is left to manage this. For example, did his dad help with the push for an assessment? Does he know what triggered mum’s concerns and why it didn’t happen? Could he pay for private assessment is airing lists were the problem?

does he attend teacher meetings? Do school pickups occasionally to see who he walks out of school with? See what birthday parties he is invited to? What after school activities he attends and enjoys?

Communication between mum and dad is really good. They talk at least once a week and get on well most of the time.

What gives you the impression dad is dstached?

Dad was actually more involved in the assessment than mum and they discuss triggers often however he has been doing really well this year it's only simce he left primary that he's reverted back to how he was when he was 7ish. We've

He attends teacher meetings and all assemblies and picks him up from school every friday. They call out each child when the parent arrives so you can't see who is friends with who but we ask.him regularly.

He doesn't do any clubs as his.mum doesn't believe in them and doesn't drive so won't take public transport.to.take him and apparently he said he doesn't want to.go to them and she doesn't force him whereas we would encourage him if we were in control. We do.take him to summer clubs when he is with us but he can be very any we never see him talk to other children but he is very polite to adults and much younger kids. Not sure about birthday parties but will ask my partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 23:34

FlappyThing · 09/08/2025 22:52

Maybe he is missing his mum and either struggling to articulate it or not wanting to admit it? I can’t imagine my boy going away from me for most of the summer and not feeling extremely upset and probably angry about it.

We've suggested that to him and reassured him it's okay if he misses her and can go.home if he wants but he doesn't want to.

He is with us every year for a large chunk of the holidays and never had a problem before. He's usually at his aunt's if he is with mum over holidays as she works during the day so I'm unsure of how much time he actually gets with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
1sttimeboveymum · 09/08/2025 23:36

Noshadelamp · 09/08/2025 23:18

I remember my ds being like this at that age. Hormones, end of school year burnout, anxiety and trepidation about highschool all come together in a swirling mass of emotions.
So it is normal behaviour for this age.

Having said that, my son is most likely ND, we didn't realise at the time as he was very academic and didn't have any problems at school.

When he was in primary school It was only the disruptive kids that would get assessed.

Ah interesting!! He's been assessed multiple times but other than a teaching assistAnt nothing has really come out of it. His reading and writing is weak but science and maths very good.

OP posts: