Daughters rages and my reactions…

[Notfeelinguptoit]

Ok I have a 12 year old daughter.
She has ASD and has had her period for around a year so hormones are definitely at play too.
She has been very difficult over the last year, we get into rows over her not sleeping or her demanding I take her out/buy her things.
The tv has been smashed by her and replaced more then once, 2 phones have been thrown and smashed, every week or so I have to buy new remote controls.
She keeps destroying my property.

A few months ago during an episode of not going to sleep(I have to lie with her until she falls asleep) she was still awake at 2am.
I could feel myself bubbling inside and exhausted, I said, just try and go to sleep albeit abruptly.
Daughter took this as me being angry at her and bit my arm(locking down for a good minute) which ended up drawing blood(and swelling for days), she kicked me, pulled my hair really hard and started screaming aggressively.
I left the room to sit on the stairs for time out,
she followed me to the stairs, screaming at the top of her voice and screamed down my ear so loud I just lost it, I put my hand over her mouth for a split second and shouted at her to stop screaming before the neighbours hear/ring the police!

I never intended to hurt her, or stop her from breathing, it was just to try to muffle the screaming, but I know that’s no excuse.

Daughters doing better and attending talk therapy for her EBSA which I feel is where her aggression stems from and the aggression she shows towards me has eased, but she reminds me daily of me putting my hand over her mouth, I’ve explained why in that moment I did it(I’m aware that that still is no excuse) to try and get her to hear my side but she doesn’t see the context or build up, just what I did.
Im absolutely livid with myself for doing this and feel an immense amount of guilt and shame.
Is there any way of getting past this and healing our relationship?
Ive apologised everyday.
Im a single parent with no help off her dad and also going through school refusal and EBSA right now which is a daily battle/struggle.
I vowed to never harm my child and emotionally I have, she’s 12 and I should never of reacted like that regardless of what was going on, my emotions are completely dysregulated with the stress of everything.

I don't think that level of violence and destruction is acceptable from DD - I appreciate that parenting ND kids needs a different approach but at 12 she really needs help learning how to manage things and very clear expectations that you are not her punchbag and your property is not to be trashed.

What have you tried to stem the violence from her or to meet her needs better to reduce the explosions?

I can see that there will come a point where the most patient Saint would snap after that onslaught.

She's lucky you didn't lamp her.
Stop apologising. You're giving her ALL the power. If she behaved like that to someone outside the house she'd either get hit or arrested.

Having asd does not give her a free pass to be abusive

Thanks for the replies,
Regardless I still feel very guilty, I’ve never laid a hand on her and always used deep breathing to control my emotions but that night I felt I lost control for that second.
One thing I’m trying is the talk therapy which is helping to a degree, she’s always a lot calmer after a session.
The aggression started around a year ago I’d say around the time her period started, school was always a struggle but it’s got worse since then and she refuses to go, which causes her aggression and anxiety.
She definitely dominates me, I’m not always able to sit in the living area as she dominates the tv, she doesn’t let me have a days rest - weekends ect we have to go out or I’m the worst mum ever.
She expects presents all the time.
I can’t physically tell her no without her lashing out so the majority of the time I just give in - which is bad parenting but it’s how I feel I have to get through the day sometimes.

Have you heard of PDA? It's a profile of autism. Check out at peace parents on Instagram she has some great podcasts/content on pda. Tactics for autistic children often don't work on children with PDA. That's why i wonder if maybe yours is.

Your life sounds intolerable to be honest. I think you need to forgive yourself for putting your hand over your dds mouth because she's using it as a stick to beat you with. You didn't hurt her, all you wanted to do was make your voice heard. You're a human too.

What help are you getting with the ebsa?

you must have the patience of a saint! With all the shit you are putting up with I am surprised you are not up on a murder charge. Ignore her nasty gaslighting and stop apologizing.
If she isn’t medicated already - why not?

I just used to sleep with my nd kid. She decided to sleep alone on her 13 th birthday.

You do not need to apologise for biting her head off. I lost it a few times with my DD over the same things. We lost five tv's for starters.

Has she started secondary yet? Mine really escalated the meltdowns at that point.
I assume you've asked for more support for you / your daughter and they can't provide anything as they don't see any issues in school?

My asd kids are expert at pointing out other people's flaws to distract you from their nasty behaviour.

I wouldn't consider putting a hand over her mouth for a second as "laying a finger on her" . She was screaming at you at you.

Her behaviour isn't acceptable. I think you need professional help to bring her behaviour and your management of her behaviour around. That sounds really mean. I mean it kindly 💐

Stop feeling guilt and shame. You do not owe saintly behaviour to anyone.

Can you make an appointment for her to see a psychiatrist? Skip the GP and referral process.

What medication?

This ☝️ .
You were bitten hard and assaulted , To withstand that much of a bite to your arm is nuts-
That’s really not acceptable.

No wonder you were angry- Very few parents would be able to tolerate such aggressive behaviour towards them by a child.

Hope you get some help, @Notfeelinguptoit .

Don’t grovel and apologise, your Daughter absolutely should be apologising to you, too!

Look into PMDD, it has a higher prevalence in ND people.

Oh @Notfeelinguptoit This is just so awful.
No way should you be pandering to her awful behaviour.
As she gets bigger and stronger, she’ll become worse.
It sounds like you need serious professional help as to how to manage her appalling behaviour.

Buying her stuff after she’s treated you so badly?
Stuff that !

You need to regain control- She is a child and yet she’s behaving like an abusive, bullying partner.

You deserve far better.

(sorry I didn't mean to quote but can't get rid of it!)

Buying new TVs and remotes? No fucking chance. The only TV in the house would be in my bedroom and the door would be locked due to her appalling behaviour. She wouldn't be watching TV until she has learnt to behave.

You don't have to put up with being treated this badly just because she's struggling. You don't have to do all this stuff just so she doesn't tell you you're a bad mum. Just let it wash over you.

Stop apologising for putting your hand over her mouth. She knows you feel guilty about it so she's pandering to it. Has she apologised for biting you?

Would melatonin help at bedtime? A lot of ND children need it to help them settle. I agree about just going to sleep next to her, if she'd let you sleep? When DS1 was awake he needed me to be awake too. It was awful.

Has DD apologised to you for biting and screaming?

I'm so glad you're getting such good advice on this thread so far because this is intolerable.

Yes, she's a child with additional needs but she will be out in the world someday and this behaviour will not be tolerated. As a PP above said, someone will lash out at her eventually if she keeps treating people this way. It's unacceptable.

Please forgive yourself for putting your hand over her mouth. I can understand why you did it, I'm sure most would, and she's now using this as a stick to beat you with. You have never hit her, slapped her, or neglected her... all you were trying to do was to stop the screaming. It's okay x

And as other PPs said... replacing the TV? Absolutely not. The only TV remaining should be in your locked bedroom. She needs to be taught the consequences of her actions.

I know you want what's best for your child, we all do, and I know you want to ensure her additional needs are being met... but that does not include you being used as a punching bag and your property being destroyed.

You need to find that line of authoritative parenting and allowing for additional needs, and it doesn't seem you're quite there yet with the influx of all these new hormones x

I hope you're getting all the support you can OP, I'll definitely be thinking about you ❤️

@Notfeelinguptoit

ASD/ADHD adoptive and foster parent here.
Firstly, no it wasn't the best thing to do, you know that, but she wasn't hurt, its done and you can't change it.
But you were pushed to your limits and snapped. Believe me, we've all done it to some degree. Stop aplogising - its just gives her something to push back on. Cut yourself a bit of slack and move on from it - though I know its easier said than done.
What support do you have in place - does she have an EHCP?
I'd definitely look at PDA
Speak to your GP about melatonin for sleep. My lot also loved pillow sleep sprays, one liked a pulse point oil as well. Would she respond to some calming music at bedtime. It does sound like the arrival of periods has had a big effect on her. It's not a great time for most girls but for girls with ASD it can be quite frightening, particularly when they realise it's going to go on for years and how much their body will change. Maybe the GP can also help with some medication there.
The other thing I would look at is NVR strategies - non violent resistance. Ive never used it myself but lots of my friends swear by the de escalation techniques.
It's really tough as a single parent, it sounds like you are trying to deal with it alone, you really need to try and build some support around you.
Good luck

Stop apologising to her. She’s awful. Stop replacing her stuff. She breaks it, tough shit.

She's running rings around you. The manipulation is off the scale.

@Isthiswhatmenthink

She's not 'awful' .
She is a young girl struggling with life.
Yes her behaviour is not acceptable, yes she needs to learn boundaries.
But she needs help and support, and her mum needs help and support.

Where’s her dad? Has she witnessed any dv to you?

People going on about how nasty, awful and manipulative your dd is, and how you just need to take a hard line with her aren't likely to be helpful.

She's disabled. It's not an excuse for the way she's treating her mother, but as someone who is raising a child with PDA (if that might be what is going on with her) there is quite a lot about their behaviour that they can't actually help because they live a lot of the time in flight or fight mode. Raising a child with PDA is mostly about managing triggers and it is incredibly hard to do on your own.

You desperately need some help and this situation can't go on but i very much doubt your dd wants to behave like this either.

Is there anyone in your life you can tell what's going on in your home op? Lean on for a bit of support?

Hey, thank you each and everyone for all your replies, I wasn’t expecting quite a response as I’ve had.
Im definitely certain she has a PDA profile, everything I ask of her she avoids so I’m looking into ways of working with her on her level and understanding.
I don’t have an EHCP but I’m looking into this, school have told me she doesn’t need one as they are meeting her needs so I will be doing this independently.
She masks at school so I think it unravels at home because everything is pent up.
She’s definitely not awful, she’s very sweet and caring 90% of the time but when things go wrong they certainly go wrong.
She’s very intense, for example there’s a show she’s watching and wants me to watch it with her, if I don’t drop everything I’m doing at that moment and sit with her she will have a full meltdown.
Also things like telling me to get her things.. charger, drink, if I don’t do it fast enough a meltdown occurs.
Around Christmas whilst driving she wanted to go to a play centre, I told her no, it was late and I just generally couldn’t be bothered, she grabbed my steering wheel and started hitting me whilst driving, I pulled over in a panic.
I think she did feel remorse at what she had done that time.
Im mentally exhausted, feel like the worst parent in the world.
I feel major guilt over putting my hand over her mouth, im 41 and my daughter is 12 it’s not acceptable.
I know im focusing on that but I’ve never done anything like that before so it kind of shook me and I’ve felt disgusted ever since especially as she reminds me daily.

As she's in therapy for her EBSA, Id say it's probably very appropriate for you to apply for an EHCP - you can do this yourself you don't need to wait for school. Are you in the Facebook group Not Fine In School? I've found it really useful.

Dad is not really in the picture, we split 5 years ago.
He see’s her about twice a year(his choice).
No physical violence/abuse but I would say he was emotionally abusive/narcissistic but in a subtle kind of way where you wouldn’t immediately pick up on it.
No shouting, just sly put downs/remarks.
Daughter was never phased by his departure and doesn’t really mention him or ask to see him, think it’s just the normal thing for her to not see much of him.
I definitely couldn’t tell him I need help hes not someone I could go to for support.