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Preteens

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Original poster

Phone for 12 Year Old- Rules

29 replies

vladimirVsvolodymr · 22/01/2025 12:30

Childish turning 12, is one of tiny few in their class without a phone and wants one. We're drawing up a dos and don't list.
What are your phone rules for your preteens when they got their first phone, how do you monitor apps etc?
The phone will have internet, WhatsApp and will be linked to our phone.
So please MN, let me know your tips and tricks, we're trying hard to make sure said child is internet safe. Thanks

OP posts:
fanaticalfairy · 22/01/2025 16:35

Handed in at night time. No excuses about "alarms".

Permission needed to install apps, do this through the family security.

Needs to show you messages on demand.

TeenToTwenties · 22/01/2025 16:35

Phone out of room overnight. And X minutes before lights out.

Parents allowed to check Phone.

No Phone at meals, and other designated family times.

No apps to be downloaded without permission.

No whole class what's apps etc.

Don't write anything you wouldn't say in real life.

Original poster
vladimirVsvolodymr · 22/01/2025 19:23

Thanks so much for your replies. @TeenToTwenties can I ask why no class WhatsApp? I know there's been issues with other classmates that are in the group WhatsApp, have you had any experience when yours were that age?

OP posts:
Original poster
vladimirVsvolodymr · 22/01/2025 19:24

First post should read "child is" not childish 😊

OP posts:
fanaticalfairy · 22/01/2025 19:26

Class WhatsApps are a fucking nightmare. Have it so he can't be added to groups but others.

TeenToTwenties · 23/01/2025 07:26

fanaticalfairy · 22/01/2025 19:26

Class WhatsApps are a fucking nightmare. Have it so he can't be added to groups but others.

That's what I read on here which is why I said it.

Mine didn't have WhatsApp at all at that age (youngest is 20 now) and although they had phones we blocked Internet as both were vulnerable and less mature.

Needspaceforlego · 23/01/2025 07:29

When you set the phone up. Make his age a bit younger than 12.
As at 13 they have the legal right to turn parental controls off. And they can turn them off.

Kids need to learn how to use phones it's part of life. I assume at 12 he's beyond primary so skipped the whole class WhatsApp - and the excitement of the Whole Year one will have died down.

ArmyBarbie · 23/01/2025 07:38

We have Google family link. We use that to set daily screentime limits. Any time he tries to download a game or app it asks us for permission. No social media.

He has WhatsApp and I let him join large groups but he's extremely sensible with it (he's in a group with his whole school year group and he was voted to be one of the 5 admin as others agree he's sensible/reasonable; and he has shown me and left other groups when there's been poor behaviour). He also knows that I ocassionally read the messages.

Original poster
vladimirVsvolodymr · 23/01/2025 23:36

Thanks so much for the replies. He will be finishing primary school this summer and secondary school in September. Such a minefield these days with all the gadgets to worry about, these worries didn't exist when I was that age although I'm sure my parents and guardians had something to worry about.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 23/01/2025 23:44

Set it up so you have to approve all apps.

Remove at night.

Check it regularly.

No WhatsApp, or if they have it ensure they can't be added to groups.

No Snapchat.

Until older than that ours had to ask permission to add people outwith their general friendship groups.
We also didn't allow adults other than me, DH, MIL and BiL (basically people who'd be collecting) as contacts. There's no need for other people's Mum/Dad/older cousin to be messaging them directly. Only people that need your number should have it and that's a good lesson to install for later.

We also had an agreed amnesty. If there was something on a group or app or being said/done that I'm not going to be happy about then if they came to me and said "this happened on the Guides group" or "that for said on the class chat" then we'd discuss it. If I found it then it was an issue.
It meant they didn't delete apps randomly or hide them as they knew as long as they were open it was a discussion, not a sanction.
It's not a perfect system, but my older kids who are now uni age have said they deleted and hid a lot less than many as they didn't feel the need.

Also make sure that you install any app they get and spend some time knowing it. If you don't know how it works you can't keep them safe or be aware of any workarounds.
My eldest two girls spent two weeks waiting on being allowed Instagram as they weren't allowed it until I got the hang of it!

StillCreatingAName · 23/01/2025 23:53

I started a thread about this when my dc was about to start secondary, as I kept hearing that I had to get them a smartphone.

All the research I did and after speaking to other parents I decided against any sort of smartphone. Look into it more than just on here, you know your child best but once you hear about some of the social media behaviour and the WhatsApp groups at secondary (pp mentions it being a primary age thing, it’s actually so much worse at secondary), you may feel, like me, that they are far too young to deal with what they might experience.

For what it’s worth, my ds is not bothered at all by not having a smartphone, don’t fall for the pester power and peer pressure that seems to come at this school stage.

DeathStarCanteenGal · 24/01/2025 09:49

our DD has had a phone since she was quite young, but it's quite locked down
she's now nearly 14 but still have it set so she needs a parents permission to install an app
it's also set up so she can only receive messages from people who are contacts

DanceMumTaxi · 09/02/2025 21:51

We have lots of what’s already been said. We also ‘lock’ the phone between 8pm and 8am so can’t use it late. Definitely permission to download apps/games. Does have WhatsApp, but no large groups. No social media like TikTok, instagram, snap chat etc. Tracker installed.

Pigeonqueen · 09/02/2025 21:59

Ds aged 12 has an iPhone. He has to leave it downstairs to charge at 10pm (bedtime). He has Instagram and Snapchat. With Instagram etc he is only allowed to add people he knows in real life (ie friends from school of a similar age). We check regularly. We also follow him and he follows us so we can see what he’s posting and who he’s following. We are probably more laid back than a lot of parents in that we don’t really police what he does on his phone but we talk about the dangers of paedophiles and grooming etc and he also has an older sibling (dd aged 22) so there’s a lot of talk about keeping safe etc - more so than perhaps if he was the eldest. In fact he reported one of his friends to the teachers because he was concerned they were being groomed by someone on Minecraft (guy was 36 and was constantly pestering Ds friend, Ds talked to us about it and we encouraged Ds to tell the friend to block this guy and tell his parents but he didn’t so Ds told the teachers at school and they got involved). I think to some extent you just have to hope and pray you’ve done enough of a good job of warning them of all the weirdos etc and just guide them as much as you can.

Hattieandcake · 09/02/2025 22:01

Please research smart phone free childhood and do not buy a smartphone for a 12YO.

parietal · 09/02/2025 22:03

no social media. whatsapp to contact family but it is monitored by parents

Pigeonqueen · 09/02/2025 22:05

Hattieandcake · 09/02/2025 22:01

Please research smart phone free childhood and do not buy a smartphone for a 12YO.

It’s easy to say this but if your child is the only one in their peer group that does not have a smart phone or access to any sort of social media they are going to be left out and miss out socially. It’s sad but true. Ds has friends who have no social media and aren’t allowed to play online and they don’t get to join in with so much of the general banter. We may not like it but that’s how pre teens and teens communicate now.

CorEckIsLike · 09/02/2025 22:06

Pretty much what other first few posters said. If it's an iPhone add then to find my family you can literally control everything on it

Hattieandcake · 09/02/2025 22:08

A child will get more damage from social media from a young age than peer pressure or feeling left out.

Phone for 12 Year Old- Rules
Pigeonqueen · 09/02/2025 22:11

Hattieandcake · 09/02/2025 22:08

A child will get more damage from social media from a young age than peer pressure or feeling left out.

As someone who missed a whole year of school due to psychological bullying and trauma from being left out at age 12-13 I think being left out socially at that age is a very big, traumatic thing and not something to be scoffed at.

Haggisfish3 · 09/02/2025 22:13

Agree wholeheartedly with the charge downstairs I night. Only rule I wish I had implemented.

user1469569516 · 09/02/2025 22:30

vladimirVsvolodymr · 22/01/2025 19:23

Thanks so much for your replies. @TeenToTwenties can I ask why no class WhatsApp? I know there's been issues with other classmates that are in the group WhatsApp, have you had any experience when yours were that age?

I'm a teacher and at the start of Secondary school, my form joined a WhatsApp group.
It's caused nothing but trouble with bullying issues and is the biggest cause of friendship issues among the form members.
The issue is that young people seem to separate what happens online with what happens in reality.
Many imagine that they can post things on WhatsApp and they are only seen by each other, and some fail even to understand that.
Please don't allow access to WhatsApp, and for other apps ensure you know more about them than your child does.

StillCreatingAName · 10/02/2025 22:39

Pigeonqueen · 09/02/2025 22:05

It’s easy to say this but if your child is the only one in their peer group that does not have a smart phone or access to any sort of social media they are going to be left out and miss out socially. It’s sad but true. Ds has friends who have no social media and aren’t allowed to play online and they don’t get to join in with so much of the general banter. We may not like it but that’s how pre teens and teens communicate now.

Show quote history

Left out of what? To make real life social arrangements age 12 should still be via parents anyway. Social media is autonomous scrolling it’s not something they do together. Friends should want to chat to each other and socialise together.

Of all the reasons to give your child a smartphone this one is the saddest. They need friends who aren’t judging by phone ownership and banter is exchanged with real friends, not randoms online.

Needspaceforlego · 11/02/2025 01:28

By the time kids hit secondary age they arrange their own meetings. I can't imagine any 12yo in the last 40 years having their mum arrange things for them.

StillCreatingAName · 11/02/2025 07:48

Needspaceforlego · 11/02/2025 01:28

By the time kids hit secondary age they arrange their own meetings. I can't imagine any 12yo in the last 40 years having their mum arrange things for them.

They don’t arrange their own meetings to the point where a parent doesn’t know who they’re with or where they’re going?
The 11 going on 18 approach comes hand in hand with those who have a smartphone in my experience.
All they actually need to arrange a meet up is a basic phone to message or call, but probably not with ‘friends’ who are ignoring them because they don’t have a smartphone…