How to advise daughter to deal with a frenemy

[Taytotots]

Dd is 12 and started secondary school last year. She is shy and has suffered from anxiety for unrelated reasons) in the past (improved after counseling).

She has a 'best' friend (I will call her BF from now on for brevity - sorry I know this can mean boyfriend too!) who she's had through primary school and they are now in the same class. The BF has always been a little dramatic. Since secondary they have become friends with another girl and call themselves the bestie trio. Unfortunately DD seems to be very much the third wheel and my feeling is former BF is trying to move on (of course totally fine and normal in secondary). The other two girls have been regularly having sleepovers and not inviting DD. And where DD used to go to BF house regularly that has stopped.

DD has been sad and withdrawn for a while but told me today that BF has been stopping speaking to her for long periods (up to several weeks) when she says something "wrong'. So now DD is afraid to speak in case she says something 'bad'. I feel that BF is also telling DD not to join clubs she is interested in (e.g., DD wanted to do school play but then suddenly decided not to audition).

How can I help DD deal with this. It's really knocking her confidence. I have explained that BF shouldn't be giving the silent treatment. I am trying to encourage friendships with others (she does have a girl in a different group who has been reaching out). I know they need to start navigating this stuff themselves at secondary but DD really does seem to be struggling.

I am friends with BF mum but under pain of death from DD not to say anything to her.

Any good books etc? Would more counseling help? I just hate to see DD so sad.

I think the work here is with dd, no need to involve anyone else. I'd encourage her to recognise the friendship is effectively over, and talk to her about how she wants to manage that. She hasn't done anything 'wrong', these are just excuses as the girl has, as you recognise, moved on. I would go all out in encouraging any other connections in and out of school.

It’s a shame she didn’t audition for the play as that can be an excellent way of shaking up friendship groups. I’d just encourage her new friendship and look for a hobby outside school to meet even more new friends. Be prepared for Xbestie to find her much more attractive if she is less available.

Thanks @sunshine237 . I have been trying to gently tell her this might be the case but hard to convince her at the moment. Will definitely try and encourage other friends.

I'd talk to her about how common this is and how it's not her fault.

Zoom out, and talk about how people as they grow can go through some big changes and this age is well known for massive changes in a short space of time.
At this age when you change schools it is a really common time for redefining yourself, branching out and exploring new things.
It doesn't mean she isn't a great person because her friend is developing a different side to herself that wasn't part of their friendship when they were 9/10.

That's the important thing for her to understand.

Let her know that it is painful when one person changes their feelings towards a friendship but they other doesn't, especially as it also happens at a time when social skills and empathy for the other person's position are not fully developed, so this silent treatment for something she said is a symptom of the fact that the friend is breaking away but handling it badly, so is just deliberately making your DD uncomfortable.

If your DD can see that this situation is really common because it's a life stage thing, she might be able to accept it isn't personal, though it will still be painful it might help her move on.

Let her know that holding on to the friendship will only give her more reason to feel bad about herself because actually the problem isn't her, it's the fact that she is in the company of someone who wants to let go.

If she can go to clubs and places where she meets others and makes new friends the things she says won't be a problem anymore.

Talk to her about ask the friendships you have had and lost over the years and trains they came and went.

If she is a thoughtful sensitive person, maybe a good poem about friendships that are for a season, or letting go when it's hard might help.

Yes @Ohthatsabitshit I felt the play might have been good for her too so will encourage her to look for more school clubs. She isn't sporty so that limits things a bit. She does scouts and might start guides (weird to be in both I know but the potential new friend is a member and has asked her to join and might be a good way to meet more girls - not that many in scouts but she dies enjoy that).

My DD has been through a few friendship issues and she always finds it helpful to understand the underlying causes/mechanics that are at play, so she isn't just blindly dealing with the surface symptoms and how they affect her, but gets what's going on.

@WomenInConstruction excellent advice to talk more generally about it. And she is sensitive so a poem/fiction might be good (she hates poetry at the moment as school are teaching it - badly!).

It can be helpful to know that if she creates the impression of not being bothered and getting on with things elsewhere that is probably the best strategy, even if she doesn't feel ok about this at first... feeling horrid inside even when you put a front on of being ok is also a really human thing.

It’s really unusual to keep friends through from primary right on beyond secondary. So I think it’s very very normal to have this stage particularly at the age she is. My response would be to fill her life with opportunities to make new friends and lots of fun family stuff so the dropping away of old friendships is less painful and she is moving away rather than being left. It will settle.

She needs understanding (that it is not personal, even though it feels very personal)

And a good strategy for a response that helps her let go and keep her dignity.

@Ohthatsabitshit yes do appreciate completely normal for friendships to move on. Just trying to help her do this as she seems to be convinced this one is still active. And the bestie trio stuff really did seem genuine (they had t-shirts and everything 😂) so can see why she is confused.

I don't think it's weird to be in GG as well as Scouts at all.

If she was thinking of auditioning for the school play, is there a local Drama group that she'd be willing to join? We live in the vicinity of two Theatres both of which run excellent Youth Theatre Groups.

You've had some excellent advice on reassuring your DD. I can remember my BF becoming mean and deciding to move on myself, it was like grief. I do feel for your DD.

You were after book recommendations. I'd try The Teen Girl's Survival Guide for her or maybe A Smart Girl's Guide to Friendship Troubles. She's sort of on the cusp for the ages of both Booja so you'll probably have an idea of whether she is too young for the first book or too old for the second.

And have a read of Untangled yourself. I had it recommended to me and I've read it a couple of times now.

And DD is 100%, no good ever comes from approaching the other parents

Make sure she knows that she is not the problem here and if they don't want her friendship then it's their loss . Stress how common this is by relating your own life experience, school , college , work etc and how friendships naturally fall by the wayside .

Yes this scenario is very common op. Unfortunately, there is nothing your daughter can do but move on and find other friends 😔

Are there any other girls she's friendly with in her class? Can you encourage her to spend more time with them, even if it means you're more involved? Have them over at your house, take them into town for shopping/meet ups etc.?

And actually @TinyMouseTheatre made me think with the mention of grief.
Giving her the language to express her feelings/experiences over this will be really helpful.

So things like:
She loved this friend for a long time and with loss comes grief (and it's ok if you aren't over that in a heartbeat).

She thought she'd gained another friend but now it looks like they've coupled up and she's out in the cold, that rejection is incredibly painful and confusing to go through a massive unexplained sudden shift which the other two are not acknowledging (to her).

They (hopefully just from sheer youth and not genuine mean-ness) are being very callous by making her feel she's at fault when in reality the friendship has just had it's time.

Thanks for the book recommendations@TinyMouseTheatre. I had been seeing good review of untangled so will read up myself and try one of the two for DD. Unfortunately we are very rural and no theatre groups near up. Local activities almost all spirty.And I wouldn't have ever spoken to BFs mum even if DD hadn't asked me not to! Can see that wouldn't end well!

@tiny

I think all of that would be extremely helpful. I only wished that my DM had helped me navigate those feelings in the same way.

It's a shame that you're so rural, it does have some definite drawbacks doesn't it when they reach their teen years?

When I say that we're near two theatres, they are both about 8 miles away in opposite directions so there's no buses to get to them. I'm not sure how rural you are though?

@TinyMouseTheatre we are over an hour from the nearest big town that would have any if that kind of stuff. Which I would do if there was something she desperately wanted to do. But often bad driving conditions in winter here so can be tricky (not UK).

@TinyMouseTheatre "I only wished that my DM had helped me navigate those feelings in the same way."

Same.
That's why I'm posting. This is hard won wisdom I wish someone had gifted me at that age. 😬

Though different people find different things helpful, so I would never assume it's the secret another child needs.

But that's the beauty of threads like this, that everyone can contribute what they have and the op can pick the bits they think will help.

Mumsnet has been so helpful to me so many times.

@WomenInConstruction good idea about talking about the associated emotions. As far as I know it is just BF that is doing the silent treatment. The other girl seems to be doing her best to be friendly. Not that that changes the situation much!

@BlueSilverCats yes there is one girl in particular who has been reaching out. We did have her over over the holidays and I will encourage more meet ups. She's also the girl guides one so will encourage DD to join. I think part of the current issue is that DD is already shy and anxious and all this has really knocked her confidence. She says she doesn't want to talk to people in case she gets it wrong. But she is already friendly with this girl so that should help.

I feel for you. It's difficult when you're trying to try other things in the middle of winter when lots of us just want to hibernate anyway

The other thing I would do is mention it to school, so whoever this would come under. We used to have a letter from school with contact emails, so this would come under pastoral for my sons' old school.

I would let them know so that they might encourage your DD to join clubs and maybe pair her up with someone similar to her which will help boost her confidence a little. Sadly this new friends thing always happens.

She needs to see that her friend is not really her friend anymore because a good friend would not resort to silent treatment which is considered abuse. Also that there must be something special about your DD that the friend feels threatened by and that this is about the friend's self esteem and happiness because happy people don't go out of their way to be mean to other people.

I think it's not so much that this is a frenemy but a friendship that has moved it, albeit against your daughter's wishes. Whilst it will be tough on your DD, loads of friendship groups will fracture and re-form this year so there will be lots of people looking for a new friend.
One thing to be careful of if you live rurally (and if you and the mum are friends) is whether the former best friend will continue to be in your life through practicalities like lift shares or being on the same bus. If so, then you need to help your DD work out how to deal with that.
My own DD has been in the slightly odd position that her two best friends from pre-secondary school days are now best friends having not known each other before starting secondary. They were a trio in Yr7 and then DD became the third wheel in Yr8. DD is now in Yr10, doesn't usually get involved with them at school but, after a hiatus, now meets up with them individually in the holidays and looks forward to and enjoys those meet ups. This wasn't something I aimed for when it became clear that the other two were palling up but I'm really glad it has worked out this way as they're both really nice girls and DD has an excellent friendship with each of them.

Three is a tricky dynamic to manage at that age. BF is probably more invested in the shiny new friend. I went on a school holiday at 14. One of my actual friends was also on the trip and a girl from the year above linked up with us. Every day one of us was less in favour- I remember just accepting my days 'off'. Looking back I suspect the older girl was manipulating us. At the age your dd is I had a new BF met at secondary school - we got on really well but as an adult I can see she was controlling and needy. I had regular times when I deliberately moved away and hung out with others to get some breathing space.

The friendship may not be over but I think broadening her friendship group is a good move and as a parent I'd encourage that in any way I could. Dependence on just a couple of friends at that age is not advisable. As they grow and change, they find out more about who they are and friendships do tend to shift. My youngest dd had three different best friends at different times at secondary and now she's left school only has fleeting contact with one of them.

Definitely pursue out of school activities. My dd went to a drama group for years - none of the members went to her secondary school (though some were at primary with her) and they were her sanctuary when things weren't going well at school socially.