How to advise daughter to deal with a frenemy

[Taytotots]

Dd is 12 and started secondary school last year. She is shy and has suffered from anxiety for unrelated reasons) in the past (improved after counseling).

She has a 'best' friend (I will call her BF from now on for brevity - sorry I know this can mean boyfriend too!) who she's had through primary school and they are now in the same class. The BF has always been a little dramatic. Since secondary they have become friends with another girl and call themselves the bestie trio. Unfortunately DD seems to be very much the third wheel and my feeling is former BF is trying to move on (of course totally fine and normal in secondary). The other two girls have been regularly having sleepovers and not inviting DD. And where DD used to go to BF house regularly that has stopped.

DD has been sad and withdrawn for a while but told me today that BF has been stopping speaking to her for long periods (up to several weeks) when she says something "wrong'. So now DD is afraid to speak in case she says something 'bad'. I feel that BF is also telling DD not to join clubs she is interested in (e.g., DD wanted to do school play but then suddenly decided not to audition).

How can I help DD deal with this. It's really knocking her confidence. I have explained that BF shouldn't be giving the silent treatment. I am trying to encourage friendships with others (she does have a girl in a different group who has been reaching out). I know they need to start navigating this stuff themselves at secondary but DD really does seem to be struggling.

I am friends with BF mum but under pain of death from DD not to say anything to her.

Any good books etc? Would more counseling help? I just hate to see DD so sad.

Some great advice on here, I suppose one of the other things I'd be thinking about with DD at the moment is what makes a good friend. I think at that age, particularly with her social anxiety she may be willing to accept 'friendship' that isn't actually bringing her joy or a positive presence in her life. What does she understand a good friend to look like, what does she want to bring to friendships and what does she value in them, what is important, maybe help to extend her understanding and vocabulary around this. Again I think I would have valued this as a teen who had a similar experience with one of my primary school friends at secondary.

@Notmydaughteryoubitch yes I think she might be clinging a bit due to the anxiety. I'm going to get some of the books mentioned upthread for her and hopefully they will help with understanding friendship a little better.

Agree re the great advice. Thanks everyone!

Normalise it. Friendships change. Encourage her to move on and focus on new friendships. You could nurture those by inviting friends for tea etc.

@toomuchcheesetoomuchchocolate @Onelifeonly really useful to hear about your experiences and the fact things do settle.

Yes the rural thing is a complicating factor as they will be in the same class for at least next year and travel on same bus. I am friends with BF mum and do still see her a bit but less often now the girls aren't so close (BF is an only child and we used to holiday/ do activities together etc so she had company).

I think you should continue to encourage your daughter to join guides and spend time with the girl who is reaching out to her.

Yes the rural thing is a complicating factor as they will be in the same class for at least next year and travel on same bus

That's awkward but it's not the end of the world. She'll have lots of school holidays in that time too.

Is she happy to sit on the bus with her or woukd she prefer to sit elsewhere? Is there something she can do so that she doesn't have to speak too much to this girl, like dove reading or homework?

One thing which I have also found helps my DD deal with friendship issues is that I am fairly open with her about issues I am dealing with. Not weeping & wailing or getting too hung up but mentioning if I see on social media that a group of people I would consider to be friends have gone out and I haven't been invited. I will also tell her about occasions where I have felt awkward as I have accidentally forgotten to invite someone or intentionally not invited someone thinking it wasn't there thing only to realise they would have enjoyed it. I think it helps to normalise that friendships evolve and aren't always plain sailing whatever your age.

I’d not involve anyone else but give your DD loads of emotional support to build her confidence

I could have written you post OP. Very similar
situation for my DD except that it’s the new addition to their group who is being unfriendly/excluding my DD - and her BF from
Primary is actually currently trying to stay neutral and keep my DD in the mix but it’s clear new addition doesn’t like my DD/wants her out the picture.
It’s really tough. Lots of great advice here. We’re going to watch Mean Girls this weekend, I’m hoping it’ll be good for opening conversation about friendship dynamics etc. Hope your DD is OK and has made some new connections.
Mine is struggling as all the girls in her class seem to be completely enamoured by the same girl who is excluding my DD.. she seems to be playing Queen Bee.

@moderationincludingmoderation sorry your DD is having issues too..This age is tough! Hope things resolve for her. Did you see the book recs posted upthread? I did buy my DD some - met by eye rolling so not sure if she has read them but I may sneak them out of her room to see what they say. Untangled is very good though. I love mean girls and should be great as a conversation starter.

Very tricky.
I've told my DD if a friendship or relationship of any kind, isn't making her feel good about herself, then its not a good friendship.
When I was a teen myself I stuck around an awful girl out of fear of being on my own. Encouraging her to join the clubs would mean she would open herself up to new friendships and then the girls can naturally drift apart without any need for a rift developing.

@MichaelAndEagle I think that's a great rule. I will keep trying to encourage new friends and clubs.