Can I talk in front of her?

[TealReal]

DH grew up in a healthy, functional environment whereas I did not. So where we differ on opinions, I can't always see if I am tainted by upbringing (I realise we all are)

DD age 12, wants to know what we are taking about if she hears part of conversation that we are having in front of her.

I tell her that it's none of her business but DH thinks that she will learn about the world if we include her. But I don't want to explain to her about something that is of no concern to her. I think she is being nosy and should stay out of it.

DD is usually hanging around and doesn't go to bed til 9 or 9.30pm so I feel like I shouldn't have to wait until after she's in bed to talk to DH

Your thoughts are appreciated.

In general I agree more with your DP. BUT it completely depends on the topic of conversation.

It depends on the subject of the conversation.

I agree with your DH. She's growing up and old enough to be included in adult conversations about your lives and the world. The dynamic starts to shift as they become teens, it's a different relationship from the one you have with primary aged kids.

The exceptions I can think of are matters concerning your and dh's relationship and discussions about siblings, if she has any.

If you don't want her to know then don't talk in front of her! It's so rude to talk to someone and then tell someone else in the room that it's none of their business - I dint care what age they are. I mean what do you expect her to do? Cover her ears with her hands?
If you have something to discuss that's private then wait until she is out of earshot and will stay that way.

I'm with your DP.

If you are having conversations (topic appropriate!) infront of her, there shouldn't be any issue in telling her what you're talking about.

No one is saying you need to wait until she's in bed to talk to your DH, but she's a young person in the home - she's going to notice discussions in front of her! I'd not think it nosy, that's just a way of putting her down.

Why don't you explain what you're talking about. Isn't it possible that she'll either learn something or have something to add. You are her principal source of information about life. Unless you want her to learn everything from other teens which is a recipe for disaster.

If it's a conversation that she shouldn't know about, you shouldn't be having it in front her.

I very much agree with this. Just out of interest what sort of things are you talking about that you don't want her to know?

We could be talking about a plumbing issue, an issue with a car, when I am going to go out shopping. I feel she isn't going to add to the conversation, there's nothing she can know about these topics.

Sometimes we may whisper about a friend who has texted and needs help. We have quite people in our lives who we help. I know those conversations should be out of earshot but sometimes we need to have a quick exchange- DH and I, that is.

I feel it's just hassle me having to tell about something that she will just say is boring.
However, I get what everyone is saying here.

I think a lot is due to my not so great relationship with her. I'm still trying to figure it out. So I appreciate everyone's input here.

She's expressing an interest in understanding what adults are talking about. That seems pretty reasonable - she's at an age where she realises she'll be an adult in not so many years. Maybe she wants to learn 'how to adult'.

If you don't include her in your conversation about plumbing because there's nothing she can know about the topic, when do you expect her to learn about plumbing? Do you want her to be an adult without the first clue about plumbing? If not, suck up the time taken to explain the mundane stuff of life to your daughter in ways that she can understand.

Why don't you have a great relationship with her?

My elderly mother would have nothing useful to say about the car or plumbing either but I wouldn't dream to say "none of your business!!!" if she asked what DH and I were chatting about.

Maybe try treating your DD like she's an actual person not an inconvenience?

My dc asks what we’re talking about. Like you, it’s normally very boring and I tell them. If we’re having an argument I will also tell them “daddy and I are talking about x and we don’t agree with each other. So we’re trying to talk so we understand each others point of of view…” etc. I think it can be quite isolating to not be involved in a conversation with parents. It’s like going to dinner be everyone talking but no one including you.

How do you think she's going to learn about things like cars and plumbing?? Unless it's something more private like family finances then just tell her what you're talking about if there's no harm in her listening in.

It doesn't sound like you like her very much! Calling her nosy and shutting her out of conversations you're having in her presence is just mean.

If I was talking about something in front of my 4yo dd and she asked then I would tell her (in an age appropriate way) - why not? She's part of this family too and it's a good way to learn about the world, as your dh says.

It really depends on the topic, I don't talk about our finances or sex life in front of my kids and the oldest is 23, I feel it's none of their business.

Its always been a struggle from a tough pregnancy, a prem birth, a baby who didn't sleep, cried if put down. I had her late and I've struggled to mother her properly.
I hate that I'm like this - it's my biggest pain. I had it bad with my mum and I hate that I may be a worse mum.

If you are chatting in front of her then obviously you explain what you are talking about. It is extremely rude not to. You are basically telling her that she is not important and not worth bothering with every time you tell her to mind her own business. It's not like most of the stuff you are talking about is private and if it is then you really shouldn't be talking about it in front of her now she is older.

Keep conversations which aren't for her ears to when she's not actually there. You don't have to include her in every single conversation but it's rude to shut her out when she is there.

I feel a bit sad reading this. She's part of your family, why shouldn't she know what's going on right in front of her? If my 5yo asks what we are talking about in front of her, then assuming it's not something inappropriate for her ears I would tell her. If it's not for her ears then we don't talk about it in front of her.

I agree that it doesn't sound like you like or respect her very much. Please do some work on yourself for the sake of your child. Start with including her.

Get a copy of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read.

I think it's fine to include her in most conversations but I would also Ask why she's hanging around you and DH until half 9? You need alone time too. My young teens know that after half 8/9 at a push they need to be in their rooms. I don't care if they stay up for a bit, but they can listen to music/ read and we get time to relax and chat without little ears.

i discuss most topics in front of my 11yo dd, and tbf she’s interested in most topics as she has a very strong interest in the wider world around her. I also talk about stuff in front of 8yo but she’s more likely to ignore/say it’s boring. I certainly wouldn’t save a conversation about plumbing til after they’re in bed 🤣.

We talk about all kinds of stuff, politics, history, family members, some of it can be quite gritty but we try to explain in an age appropriate way. I don’t really want my kids growing up with an awareness only of childish stuff as that doesn’t make an intelligent, interested young adult.

This sounds a lot deeper than just not wanting to involve her in conversations.

Have you had any counselling; or family services; to try and build a bond?

If we are talking about something and DD asks, we’ll tell her (as long as it’s appropriate!) and she normally loses interest pretty quickly and tells us how boring being a grown up is/how boring we are 🤣 she’s not wrong!