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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

AIBU for not letting my 12 year old daughter stay out in a park past 7pm on a Sunday?

32 replies

HiddenB · 22/09/2024 20:58

Hi,

So, as the title suggests my daughter and her friends 1 girl and 2 boys went to a park 3 mins down the road. They were originally hanging at my house after being out since lunch and at around 6.30pm I asked what they were up to as I wanted to start dinner. Boys said they were going home and daughter and friend said they will walk them to the park so they can get the bus. I was fine with this as it is close by. 40 mins later and the girls haven't come back. I called multiple times to replies of 'it's fine' and 'we'll be back soon' (when she first went out I had asked her to be back for 7) Well, I get to the point where I feel disrespected so I drive to the park and tell them that it's time to go. I then drop her girl friend home. I know I embarrassed her and she was angry at me for it which was to be expected but she talks with conviction and I now feel like I was being overprotective but too me it just didn't feel right that she was in a park in the dark at 12 years old (nearly 13) should I chill or did I do the right thing? For context she has reached puberty and was wearing a boob tube and leggings (I am not happy about this but I have to pick my battles with her as she's very strong willed) Also, I want to add that her friend seems to be allowed out until 9pm which I think is too late and doesn't help.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 22/09/2024 21:06

The time she was supposed to be back is up to you; only you know what you're comfortable with based on your daughter, the area you live in, etc. I don't think you overreacted by going to get her. She was essentially ignoring you and your boundaries. Sometimes you need to be strict. If it embarrasses her, then she might not do it again.

Doingmybest12 · 22/09/2024 21:08

Your daughter needed to be home for tea and no , I wouldn't encourage hanging around in the park in the evening at 12 years old. I'd discourage a friendship with someone with a 9pm curfew ar 12.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 22/09/2024 21:12

You told her to be back for 7pm and she wasn't. You did the right thing. Hopefully embarrassing some respect into her in the process.

rainbowstardrops · 22/09/2024 21:15

I think you did the right thing too. She's not exactly done herself any favours of building up trust.

Alifemadelessordinary · 22/09/2024 21:20

Oh god OP! You are not overreacting at all. Did she even ask permission when you called her to stay out later or did she just blatantly disrespect you?
Please don't feel guilty and I'd even go as far as to say there needs to be further consequences for the way she spoke to you and treated you.

rainbowsparkle28 · 22/09/2024 21:25

YANBU. Particularly this time of year the weather isn't great and light fading if not actually dark. She also clearly knew the boundaries and what time you expected her back and just decided that it didn't apply to her. You did the right thing, even though she won't see it that way obviously!

coxesorangepippin · 22/09/2024 21:25

Yanbu

JacketPotatoFoodOfTheGods · 22/09/2024 22:15

YANBU

DeliciousApples · 22/09/2024 22:34

Maybe next time she will listen to what she's been asked to do and come home then rather than be picked up.

I wouldn't mind her out past 7pm in a group outside my house or whatever but not in a park and not in the dark just two wee girls.

StrugglingGrief · 22/09/2024 22:38

Maybe it’s time to get her busy on other stuff if she’s not already? Like perhaps a team sport? It helped with my teen that she spends the weekend playing sport and then doing homework!

Glasscabinet · 22/09/2024 22:51

I don’t think it’s particularly healthy to let kids just ‘hang around’.

If they want to go to the park to play football for a couple of hours? Great.

Want to go into town to spend birthday money? Also ok.

Just hanging around for hours? Bored kids end up getting into mischief. Why couldn’t your daughter bring her friend over to sit in her bedroom?

motherofonegirl · 22/09/2024 22:53

Hanging out in the park in the evening is not a good idea at any age. Home at the time you say before it gets dark. If she wants to carry on spending time with her friend they hang out at home. Get her I voiced with some extra curricular clubs so that by the time she has been to school, done her clubs and done her clubs it's bedtime - no time for handing around the park.

Enko · 22/09/2024 23:00

She was told to be back for dinner at 7. She wasn't and dismissed you when you called to check. That is what it comes down to. Next time tell her she will get an embarrassing nickname too.

This is not about if her curfew is reasonable, a if she tries to pull that one. Point out she could not be trusted to come home when you said, so why would she be rewarded with more time? For now she needs to prove she can follow your rules.

This is about her respecting the rules you lay down as her parent. Don't back down.

PrimalLass · 23/09/2024 11:11

At 12 mine were absolutely allowed to be out at that time. I find it surprising how many are saying no.

But we live in a small safe village so the answer is entirely dependent on where you are.

Original poster
HiddenB · 23/09/2024 19:07

StrugglingGrief · 22/09/2024 22:38

Maybe it’s time to get her busy on other stuff if she’s not already? Like perhaps a team sport? It helped with my teen that she spends the weekend playing sport and then doing homework!

Believe me I've tried but she's only interested in horse riding. I'd buy a horse if I could. She's incredibly social it's part of her personality.

OP posts:
Ifoughthefight · 23/09/2024 19:11

too young for having people to hang with for no reason
kids should be occupied

BippityBopper · 23/09/2024 19:17

I know what you mean about her speaking with conviction. My DS is the same and can make me feel guilty for simply parenting.

Stick to your guns OP. I think 7pm on a school night is very reasonable and I most certainly wouldn't want her hanging around in a park at that time during this time of year.

Button28384738 · 23/09/2024 19:36

I would want my 13 year old back before dark.
And if you arrange a time with her when she needs to be home then that's when she comes home, full stop.

PrimalLass · 23/09/2024 20:27

Ifoughthefight · 23/09/2024 19:11

too young for having people to hang with for no reason
kids should be occupied

I can't agree with this less. My children roamed around our village from much younger. It's lovely to wander aimlessly with friends.

Rubyandscarlett · 23/09/2024 20:52

Well done for sticking to your guns op. These kids do insist on learning things the hard way!

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 23/09/2024 21:07

Dts are horse mad and 13. They work at the yard 9-6 Friday and Saturday in return for rides. Would do longer if I let them but homework needs to happen somewhere. Not a chance they would be in a park until 7pm, social personality or not.

hufflepuffbutrequestinggriffindor · 26/09/2024 06:37

You are not being unreasonable. You gave her a time and she needs to stick to it. I am a secondary teacher and I have heard some horror stories of what some of our teenagers get up to and this is predominantly because parents have simply not parented them. Keep with the boundaries and keep her safe. 12 /13 is still very young.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/09/2024 06:37

My dd would not have been allowed to stay at the park that late at your dd’s age. She is 16 and can hang out very late in our village as long as her group has at least one boy. At 15, we expected her home 9/9.30 and only with a boy to walk her home after dark otherwise she was collected from the park as I didn’t want her to walk the 10/15 mins alone.

Disasterclass · 26/09/2024 06:41

Going against the grain I think it's fine for kids to hangout. I'm not convinced that having their lives over structured is that good for them. However, you set the time she should be home and she needs to abide by it.

CosyLemur · 26/09/2024 06:54

HiddenB · 22/09/2024 20:58

Hi,

So, as the title suggests my daughter and her friends 1 girl and 2 boys went to a park 3 mins down the road. They were originally hanging at my house after being out since lunch and at around 6.30pm I asked what they were up to as I wanted to start dinner. Boys said they were going home and daughter and friend said they will walk them to the park so they can get the bus. I was fine with this as it is close by. 40 mins later and the girls haven't come back. I called multiple times to replies of 'it's fine' and 'we'll be back soon' (when she first went out I had asked her to be back for 7) Well, I get to the point where I feel disrespected so I drive to the park and tell them that it's time to go. I then drop her girl friend home. I know I embarrassed her and she was angry at me for it which was to be expected but she talks with conviction and I now feel like I was being overprotective but too me it just didn't feel right that she was in a park in the dark at 12 years old (nearly 13) should I chill or did I do the right thing? For context she has reached puberty and was wearing a boob tube and leggings (I am not happy about this but I have to pick my battles with her as she's very strong willed) Also, I want to add that her friend seems to be allowed out until 9pm which I think is too late and doesn't help.

What time did you tell her to be home when she left? If she was out after that time you absolutely should go and get her.
7pm isn't late to be out for a nearly 13 year old but that's not the point - if you'd said be home by 2pm that's when she needs to in. Regardless of whether or not her friends are out!