Please tell me about your 12 year old’s bedtime routine

[parrotonmyshoulder]

My highly anxious 12 year old is having trouble sleeping. Always been a bit of a problem, but worse at present. He worries so much about not being asleep/ not getting enough sleep and he can’t relax.

I know that part of the solution is to improve his bedtime routine. What do your 12 year olds do? Honest answers only! I’ll start (God, I was so ‘good’ at this when they were little, but it slipped badly for many reasons).

Home from school 5:15 - has usually done homework there or is avoiding it till the weekend.
Snack, change clothes, gaming for an hour or so, lots of opportunity for chat but doesn’t want to (until it’s bedtime)
Walk the dog or play football for a bit or help with dinner or, if dad home, play a game (switch) together
Dinner about 7.30.
Watch TV together - something everyone likes. He rarely joins in with this because…
Switch or iPad. Has to stop at 8.45.
Teeth, bed with audible story on.
2-3 hours of ‘I can’t sleep’, on and off shouting, sometimes crying, aches and pains.
Up at 6.30 for school.

Highly reluctant reader. Adults in the house also need a bit of time in the evening. All up at 6.30 so need earlyish nights.

Anything obvious? I am pretty sure it’s removal of screens (only started this year - never touched one before!) but I don’t know what to replace it with. He is too tired or miserable to play a board game or similar (I probably am too at that time so day).

Yes it’s all that! He is getting some help, but it’s never quick. It’s all tied up together and sleep needs to improve to feel better, and feeling good needs to improve to help
sleep.

8.45 is way too early to bed for many 12 year olds.
Why dies he gave to be up so early, dies he struggle with this?

We have dinner at 6.30pm and then screens off at 8pm.

My autistic DD1 (nearly 12) can't switch off to sleep unless she has melatonin. She's up until 11pm at the weekend because she can't take it constantly with the effect wearing off.

Swimming is more tiring than other exercise.

Is he getting enough time outside? Our bodies need daylight to set our circadian rhythm

He doesn’t have to get up at 6.30, as he only takes about ten minutes to get ready in the morning and refuses breakfast. He is very anxious about being late. Parents and sister get up at 6.30 and he has to leave at 7.20.
Not enough time outside, probably.

Dtwins are 12 very soon.

home from sports around 6pm, eat dinner, then shower, down time with some tv. Up to their beds to read at 8pm. Lights out at 9pm. No devices during the week.

My 12 year olds is similar to yours although he has to be off of devices by 8pm and we have dinner earlier between 5 and 6.

He gets into bed at 9:15 and is usually asleep by 10. After devices are off he plays with Lego or has a long bath or sometimes he and I go for a walk (although he then tends to go to bed later).

I would try seeing if eating earlier and coming off of devices earlier help. DS definitely finds it harder to sleep when he has been on screens later.

My 12 year old isn't a reader, except for comic books, he is endlessly bringing back Asterix, Tintin etc from the library.

Mine is out doing sports or music for a bit most evenings. Watches a bit of TV/googles things sometimes but otherwise isn't very interested in screens at the moment.

So he gets ready for bed at the same time as his younger siblings, lights go out around 9, but the 12 year old and the 10 year old are allowed to read/write/draw in their beds as long as they are quiet and stay in their beds. Some nights they go straight to sleep at 9, other nights they're doing stuff for an hour or so, but it's up to them to decide when they are ready to sleep.

@parrotonmyshoulder I'm sorry. That's really tough.

As he's struggling with anxiety, is there any merit in temporarily setting a later screen limit, say 9:45pm, and see what happens? If he's getting some comfort from playing games and is able to relax, then - I mean if we were talking about an adult, I'd be saying, if playing on the Switch helps, do it until you fall asleep, whatever works. It's not permanent.

If it helps him right now, and he'll be feeling more relaxed and possibly able to go to sleep without wrestling with himself first... worth a go?

(Bit worried I'll get shot now! Suggesting MORE screen time instead of less! I'm not a paediatrician or anything. Just a grown up with 25 years of anxiety under her belt.)

In that case, I would definitely say his bedtime is too early.

Dd12 goes to bed at nine and reads until ten. She would read even longer but lights go off then.

I think the thing is, if the anxiety is untreated and he hasn't got coping mechanisms, routines etc, then taking away a tool that is helping him in some way right when he needs to be calm enough to sleep feels like pouring fuel on the fire instead?

In the fullness of time it'd be great if he could go for a long walk in the evening, that's great for anxiety and sleep, it's honestly tremendous, or painting, drawing, there's also coaching around breathing exercises, there's loads of stuff out there that could help but it's accessing it which is tough, and if he's already 'on fire' so to speak, it's really quite tough to do the 'healthy' and 'mindful' things.

I may be hugely projecting though - sorry if speaking out of turn.

Mine is home from school by 4pm, homework then dinner around 5ish (dh does early shifts), games until 8, watches tv with me until 9 then we read together until 10 (either reading to each other or reading simultaneously) then he goes to bed and I go to bed too. Time away from the kids doesnt happen in the same way as they get older!

My 9yo doesn't go to bed until 8pm! She's usually asleep by 8.30 and up around 7am

Mine is upstairs at 9, shower then reads for a bit. Turns her own light off (usually by 9.45/10) and is up without prompting every morning at 6.15 and in the shower.

My 13 yo has parental locks on devices from 9pm on school nights, usually in bed asleep before 10pm, sometimes she will go earlier if she's tired. Awake at 7am

Have you tried "go to bed when you're tired but resting is as good as sleeping, so close your eyes and don't worry"
Very boring audio book (nothing much happens podcast is good) on low so it's more just murmuring than audible

I have insomnia and it helps me a lot!

I'm amazed by some of the bedtimes reported here. My 13 and 16 year olds both go to sleep at 9pm or earlier (up at 7) and need the sleep.

Routine for 13 year old is
Home at 5pm, chat with dad, do homework
Dinner 6:30
Bath or shower
Music practice
Reading book from 8:15 ish
Lights out between 8:30 and 9 as she wants.

I'd definitely reduce screen time and increase exercise if possible. Can your kids do 100 trampoline bounces before dinner or similar?

He needs zero gaming during the week. It's honestly your whole problem. It's overstimulating him. He needs to do something else. His brain is just fried.

Dd1 is 13 up to bed at 8.30 currently, faffs around in the bathroom for 15 minutes then goes to read. We don't have a 'lights out' time, but she usually reads until 9.30ish. Dd2 11 up at 8 and faffs for 25 minutes before going to read, sometimes she is reading until around 10.

I have to wake both every morning dd1 at 6.30 dd2 at 6.45 so figure bedtime is about right.

Ten year old here, bed 930 on school night and he bounces up at 0700. He comes home from school 3pm or 4pm if at clubs. Athletics three nights a week so then it could be 7/8 finish, dinner would be then.

Screens no closer to an hour before wind down. He reads, music or a bit of yoga. He has a good run every evening before dinner x. 7pm and makes sure he has met his step goal.

If he is struggling he may not be physically tired enough but may be emotionally worn out.

Absolutely the same in this house with twins of the same age!!

My 12 and 13yo: no devices after dinner, a family show after dinner (Doctor Who lately). Then upstairs to play/draw/anything quiet-ish. At about 9 we have a quick old CBeebies favourite (Sarah and Duck, they still love it!), then brush teeth and into bed. Lights off and audiobook on for 45 minutes. If they're still awake, white noise. Mostly they're asleep before the book stops. They listen to them over and over on rotation so there's no fear of missing out.

They do have melatonin, though, because both have ASD. DS1 in particular struggles to get to sleep and gets upset and anxious over trying to sleep without it. He used to spend hours crying and asking how to sleep. Nearly broke all of us.

I'm with you!! Can't believe the late bedtimes here. My DD is 11 and we go up the stairs to bed at 7. Teeth; chat, wind down and we read together for at least half an hour. Lights are off around 8 at the absolute latest.

She's up at 6 and we also need some quiet time each night (I go to bed at 9 to read).

I can't imagine her staying up later....she's so much brighter and happier with a decent amount of sleep.

Does she not do any clubs? Scouts starts at age 10 and doesn't even start until 7.30 and finishes at 9.45. Even beavers from age 5 doesn't finish until 7.45.

@Q124 beacers finishes at 7pm here. Scouts at 8/8.30pm. Some parents struggle with the late finish at 8pm for Scouts.