Please tell me about your 12 year old’s bedtime routine

[parrotonmyshoulder]

My highly anxious 12 year old is having trouble sleeping. Always been a bit of a problem, but worse at present. He worries so much about not being asleep/ not getting enough sleep and he can’t relax.

I know that part of the solution is to improve his bedtime routine. What do your 12 year olds do? Honest answers only! I’ll start (God, I was so ‘good’ at this when they were little, but it slipped badly for many reasons).

Home from school 5:15 - has usually done homework there or is avoiding it till the weekend.
Snack, change clothes, gaming for an hour or so, lots of opportunity for chat but doesn’t want to (until it’s bedtime)
Walk the dog or play football for a bit or help with dinner or, if dad home, play a game (switch) together
Dinner about 7.30.
Watch TV together - something everyone likes. He rarely joins in with this because…
Switch or iPad. Has to stop at 8.45.
Teeth, bed with audible story on.
2-3 hours of ‘I can’t sleep’, on and off shouting, sometimes crying, aches and pains.
Up at 6.30 for school.

Highly reluctant reader. Adults in the house also need a bit of time in the evening. All up at 6.30 so need earlyish nights.

Anything obvious? I am pretty sure it’s removal of screens (only started this year - never touched one before!) but I don’t know what to replace it with. He is too tired or miserable to play a board game or similar (I probably am too at that time so day).

I have a just turned 12 + 13 year old and I don't tell them to switch off devices till 10 pm. They don't have to be up till 7am though. I know the youngest can still be awake around 11 as he will get up and go down stairs to his dad if he is still up. Maybe just move the bed time to later and if they get tired from being up early they may fall asleep easier.

His bedtime is way too early I think. My 12yo goes to bed at 10 in school nights.
I know you want adult time(so do I!) but unfortunately that goes out the window at this age!

You’re eating dinner quite late. The advice is to have at least 3 hours to digest food before going to sleep. That might be contributing to him not being able to sleep at 9pm. A 1 hour winddown with no screens before bed is also recommended.

My 11 year old goes up to bed at 9pm and is allowed to read until 10pm. She's often asleep before then. I used to say read until 9:30 and then she'd appear downstairs saying she couldn't sleep, so I extended it - I think it took the pressure off, she's a lot more relaxed at bedtime now.
From looking at the OP, your 12 year old is in bed, unable to sleep, sometimes til nearly midnight? It sounds like he's not tired at bedtime and gets himself worked up because he can't sleep so sleep becomes impossible?
Is there anything he could be doing after school? Join a football team, cricket, tennis, running?
Much later bedtime - what about a shower before bed as part of wind down routine and then bed at 10pm. 8:45 is too early, he's just going to lie there getting more and more wound up.

The devices are your answer. Far too stimulating.

Dts are 12, they don't game but are obsessed with their phones. We eat around 7, and the phones go away then. They watch a bit of tv with us, play on the trampoline or go for a bike ride, upstairs around 845 to read. Very reluctant readers but it's a non negotiable. They are usually asleep by 930. Up at 620.

Jesus. Those saying it's too early??

Don't know what I'm doing wrong then but my 12yo gets into bed at 7.30 - read until 8 but usually just nods straight off and up at 6.30.

Dinner usually around 5/5.30.

Opposite end of the scale from the general feedback - is he overtired?? Growing teens need a lot of calories and a lot of sleep. Dinner when he's in, shower, chill out and bed??

Wow that's early. DS hasn't been in bed at 7.30pm since he was about 5.
Op I think your DS is having dinner to close to bedtime. Can you move dinner earlier and bedtime later? It'll give dinner time to digest and also he might be tired by the time the later bedtime arrives.

I have an 11 year old who sounds similar to yours in the sleeping issues.

One thing I do find is audiobooks often keep my one awake longer! I think he is listening to it to try to hear the whole story.

So I allow a certain amount of audiobook, say half an hour. After that I go in and switch it to something really boring - a podcast with a relaxing voice that I know he will have no interest in (something boring!, I find quiet male voices somehow better for helping him nod off), or some sleep hypnosis on youtube https://www.youtube.com/@MichaelSealey

The volume of the podcast or whatever has to be quite quiet as well. Too loud and it doesn't work.

I find that helps him sleep and drop off quickly as he listens, as he is not over-invested in hearing a story.

But it does sound like your child goes to bed a bit too early as well.

Dinner around 6ish
Shower around 7.30ish
Then she'll make her lunch, rrad, chat to friends, play a board game or watch TV to 8.30
Then go to bed, read a bit more sleep.

Her bedtime does seem early but she has chosen it!

We used to have your routine (down to the 6:30 wake up next day) and it didn’t work for us at all.

we now do:

home 5:15 having mostly done prep at school, supper on table about 6pm. He then has shower and 1 hour only of gaming time. He’s usually down about 7:30 and we watch an hours tv together or play a game or something as a family, he goes up 8:30 to watch tv. Tv off by 9:30 and he can read till 10:30 but I would say 90% of time he is asleep by 10pm.

2-3 hours of ‘I can’t sleep

He needs a later bedtime and some exercise.

My DD 12 does sports after school every day. After dinner goes out to play.

In for 9pm. Supper, wash snd into bed with a book. Falls asleep by 10pm.

My 10 yo doesn't go to bed til 9.15. I think it's slightly too late but it's what we've fallen into.

8.45 for a 12 yo is really quite early. It's still really bright out!

I know I'm probably not doing the right thing, but my two are both night owls and really I just let them go to bed when they're tired enough. I've never given them a bed time.

Having said that, and me always thinking I'm getting it wrong, they are both fine and seem to get enough sleep to allow them to do well at school and be happy kids.

So, my ds12 goes to bed around 11pm and wakes up at 7.30am to get ready for school. We were playing out in the garden til around 9.30 last night, a bit of a kickabout and then just sitting having a chat listening to the birds. He does go on his phone when he's in the house sitting with his dad (because there is no conversation) but usually we are doing something together if he doesn't have homework. He stops using his phone or playing games when he's had enough, I don't really tell him, or have to tell him, to stop. Same with DS16.

I would say if you do want him in bed by 9pm then 7.30pm for dinner is a bit late, so I would move that earlier. And then maybe some fresh air before bed. Different things work for different kids so there's no definite solution, good luck!

Gosh, my 12 year olds were all in bed by 9 at latest, with no screens the hour before.
If he is gaming there is no "time for a chat" because he is distracted and won't want to talk. Get him off the screens by 7:30 latest. Play some board games or did something together that is less overstimulating for his brain and opens lines of communication. If things from the day are bothering him at night he needs opportunities to talk about them.

Reassure him that being in bed resting is still doing him some good. He is too old for shouting "I can't sleep" etc and if one of mine were doing that I'd tell them to pack it in. Shouting is not going to help him sleep.

DD12 usually gets home between 5 and 5.30 (depends whether she rides 1 or both horses after school) normally eats dinner around 6. Then homework and TV and chill time. She normally takes herself off to her room around 8 (to do her skincare routine 🤦‍♀️🤣) and is usually asleep around 9 or soon after. Alarm goes off at 6.30

Thanks for all your posts. Interesting variety and food for thought.

The 8.45 is only a screens off time, not a bedtime. But he doesn’t want to do anything else, so doesn’t fill that time with reading, drawing etc.
I’ll think about moving dinner earlier. Means we can’t all eat together though, so it’s a decision about priorities. Sister needs particular routines herself.
Finding more activities outside the home would definitely be good - unfortunately there are some difficulties with that, although we are working on it.

My 12 year old -

Dinner at 6:30, told to get ready for bed at about 8:45 and in bed at 9 (obviously rarely actually in bed at 9 what with all the 'forgotten' things to do and say!), reads until she falls asleep, usually around 10pm.

If your dc is reluctant to read could you maybe try audiobooks? Or music?

12 year old here. We are no screen/low screen family with no TV time on weekdays so our routine is quite different.
After school he does homework, and music practice.
Dinner is around 6:30 and then I put his younger sibling to bed and do his bedtime routine and he can read, hang out, chat, play a board game, kick a ball around outside, do whatever. I also ask him to do chores with me and DH if he's hanging around (recyling, dishwasher, laundry). Sometimes he wants to talk to a friend, so asks if he can have his phone for that. If he does want to watch something on say YouTube, he just asks and I give him extra screen time but we try and keep it to a minimum/rarity. Sometimes he makes us tea and sits and chats with us. He goes up at 8:30, lights out at 9. I am not fussed about when he falls asleep but I've peeped in often at 9:30 and he's out. Up between 6:45-7 am.
I think you do have to let him get a bit bored and he will figure out how to entertain himself, and maybe even start reading.

Have you considered a Kindle paperwhite? No screens from, say, 8 onwards, but can use Kindle.
A bit baffled that he's so screen-focused he will simply go to bed and lie there for three hours shouting that he can't sleep rather than do anything else. That would get old really fast here.

There are other things going on with him - yes his behaviour is ‘baffling’.

Sorry, I didn't mean that in a snide way, my apologies. I was imagining my 11 year old upstairs yelling about being unable to sleep when she could be doing literally anything else and it made me cross to even imagine it.

Thanks, no offence taken.
Oh yes, it’s certainly frustrating. I haven’t thought of him as ‘screen-focused’ until the last few months. He only started playing at Christmas and it was a nice thing he could do with his cousins (who he rarely sees) and feel like he’s good at something. Very low self esteem that’s getting worse, so having him play with others (even online) felt better.

My two are the same, btw, with the screens.

It sounds tough for him that his self-esteem is low. Does he get any additional support? How is he in general? Could his mental health be affecting his sleep? I know when I'm low I don't sleep well at all, it's a right bugger.