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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

just cant handle DS(10) anymore

29 replies

mumstheword1982 · 11/09/2023 21:29

DS is 10, 11 in the next month and I just cant stand to spend time with him.
He has ADHD which makes his impulsivity worse, but I cant speak without a rude remark or back chat, he is the same with my DH. He is awful to my DD too (she is 9). he is always on the want for something, an ice cream as we pass a shop, a later bedtime etc., every 5 minutes he is asking ( i say no)

I need advice on how to manage him and help him become nicer again, or is this it until he comes out of the teenage years? because if yes, I cannot cope! he makes me feel like I'm not cut out to be his mum anymore, and I'm short tempered with my DD as a result too so I'm no good to anyone

he is upsetting the whole family and tonight I lost it and was really unkind to him and told him no one wants to be around him anymore and I wish he would leave - really awful and I feel horrendous about it but I snapped.

tips on staying calm and dealing with this much appreciated

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 11/09/2023 21:30

Is he on any medication ?

MoxieFox · 11/09/2023 21:36

I would apologise to him for your impulsive outburst as those are truly awful things to say to a child.

Have you looked at medication for him? The constant asking questions/distractions like sees an ice cream so asks for one is definitely ADHD related.

The rudeness probably a bit of preteen stroppiness combined with the fact that children can pick up on when their parents don’t want them around and don’t like being with them so the backchat is usually a defence mechanism to mask the hurt.

StressedToDeathhhh · 11/09/2023 21:39

10 is the most annoying age but what you Said to him is horrific so I'd be focusing on that. My dd was a pain in the arse from about 10-13 but I would have scooped my eyes out with a spoon before saying we'd be better off without her. She's 15 now and lovely again (mostly). Apologise and have a fresh start x

Original poster

mumstheword1982 · 11/09/2023 21:41

I have apologised, of course I have.

He is medicated, but only during the school day so worn off by the time we are home.

Me and DH are both at a loss. We've tried lovely calm chats to explain how to get things right and they have no effect.

He was lovely tonight on a walk whilst DD was at a club, then on the way home He whinged about his bedtime and it escalated from there. He currently goes to bed at 8.45 but not lights off then, he can be awake a bit longer though.

OP posts:

NiceUnusualDifferent · 11/09/2023 21:42

My DD is 12 and not yet diagnosed but is on the pathway for adhd diagnosis.
She is exactly as you describe, I've no magic answers but what I've found helped is letting her make as many decisions herself as I can. Bedtime was a battle and sleep a nightmare but over rhe summer holidays I've let her work out her own routine. I wouldn't do it with my other dc who are NT but after too many late nights and feeling rubbish the next day she worked out what was good for her and us now often asleep before any of us.

This isn't possible with everything but for example wanting things, she has pocket money and decides what to buy, a couple of rims of blowing ot straight away has taught her to not just buybthe first thing she wants.

It's by no means perfect now but I avoid any 'demands" where I can and also when she does talk rudely (which is still fairly often) I don't react there and then as it doesn't make a blind bit of difference. Discussing it with her afterwards and explaing how it makes me feel has had an impact.

It's almost unbearable at times though.

Original poster

mumstheword1982 · 11/09/2023 21:43

I have asked for support, I know what a fucking shit mum I am so I would really like to know how to be better and not hear repeatedly what I already feel. I am seeking constructive ways to deal with something that I am struggling with.

OP posts:

Fleetheart · 11/09/2023 21:47

there may be courses that can help in your area; in my area (herts) there is add-vance. i got a lot of help from them. my DS has adhd , he was just like this, it drove me crazy. I agree with avoiding arguments as much as poss, trying to laugh, going out for a walk when they are getting on top of you and doing breathing! it’s not easy at all though, and support from parents with similar children can be very valuable

Fleetheart · 11/09/2023 21:49

ps- the judgement from parents who don’t get it is one of the worst things. people never really get it unless they have been through it. so don’t let them grind you down, they have absolutely no idea!

cansu · 11/09/2023 21:49

Is there a slow release version? Have you spoken to the Dr about the dosage? When he backchats repeat the rule or answer calmly and walk away.

NiceUnusualDifferent · 11/09/2023 21:50

You're not a shit mum x

mynamechangemyrules · 11/09/2023 21:50

I've said way worse OP, don't panic. Like you said, you apologise and have a nice time another time and reassure them you didn't mean it. I pointed out that I'd said a hurtful thing because I felt sad, stressed and scared- and asked my DC if that's what he was doing- lashing out because of worries. We moved forward from a shitty blowout.

I don't know specifics for you, as my DC is NT but experienced trauma, but he needs toddler parenting- allllll the attention. It's easier to give it positively and have a nice time with him to then allow me to spend time with my other children, rather than allow it to go into negative territory when the evening is a write off.

Sorry no really useful advice but you're not a shit mum, you're just a mum doing her best. Keep on moving forward 💕

CyberCritical · 11/09/2023 21:51

What is your current consistent approach when he back chats and is rude?

How do you respond?

Singleandproud · 11/09/2023 21:53

Have you ever tried a time limit, I give DD one when she's info dumpi g (ASD) she gets 5 mins to say whatever she wants on a subject and then we move on, it focuses her and can get it out of her system.

If medication has worn off after school have you tried a caffeinated drink when he gets home, I'm not talking a can of monster, but something to caffeine him up a bit, it can work wonders on Adhd.

MoxieFox · 11/09/2023 21:54

Its a tough age to be sure and when you add ADHD into the mix that makes it harder.

I think step 1 is to fully accept his impulse control issues as a disability. So when he acts poorly, do not view it as a behavioural issue or him being a bad child, but rather an area he needs support in. Has he had any therapy or support on how to manage impulses? Grounding techniques? Ways to distract himself?

Step 2 would be this is the start of the older child years where they will constantly push boundaries and ask for more freedoms. Later bedtimes, more autonomy, a say in family decisions. This is part of preparing them for adulthood. So it’s a sea change as a parent where you cannot just tell a child do this, bedtime is that, you’re entering the years where you supervise your child by mutual consent between you and them.

Finally, you’re not a shit mum, what’s going on is fairly normal apart from the ADHD and it’s the nature of parenting that as our child grows up our relationship with them also goes through phases. The first ten years is holding them close, the second ten years is gradually letting them go so they can fly the nest as adults.

Original poster

mumstheword1982 · 11/09/2023 21:57

He only drinks milk, water or orange squash, he will not drink anything else. No idea why?!

OP posts:

Original poster

mumstheword1982 · 11/09/2023 22:00

Thank you, he used to see a counsellor but haven't seen her for a while. Its pricey and he was doing well. But I will book and see her again.

We usually do 1, 2, 3 warnings.and then a consequence but I think maybe I've not been as consistent recently. And I need to be better at that.

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Mariposista · 11/09/2023 22:07

mumstheword1982 · 11/09/2023 21:43

No OP, you are not a shit mum. You are struggling with his awful behaviour, and that makes you HUMAN.
Nobody wants to be around him? Well let's be honest you were truthful, albeit a bit blunt. His behaviour doesn't make him pleasant to be around and his poor sister is suffering. The 'I wish you would leave' was impulsive and you have apologised - let whoever has never said anything they don't mean when seriously provoked raise their hand.

Starlightstarbright2 · 11/09/2023 22:07

My D’s has Adhd he has nearly broke me ..

it’s bloody hard ..

Things I found help - get him moving if it’s walking home from school - any activity - limit screen time ..

I find sometimes coming up with alternatives .. what could you have said.

mine really limits what he will drink mostly water .

I do find cooking from scratch reducing so e numbers helps.

but also wine 🍷… it’s bloody hard and unless you live it you don’t know … A teacher summarised it really well my Ds feels everything appropriately but his response is out of proportion .

for example he has stopped the whole of a maths lesson because he felt he deserved an apology . It escalated .

give yourself permission to walk away and regroup.

adhdpunchbag · 11/09/2023 22:11

He needs to have his meds reassessed. Had a similar problem here and he now takes Concerta XL. Lasts 12 hours.

Original poster

mumstheword1982 · 11/09/2023 22:12

Thank you, this is very helpful.

OP posts:

CyberCritical · 11/09/2023 22:23

mumstheword1982 · 11/09/2023 22:00

Thank you, he used to see a counsellor but haven't seen her for a while. Its pricey and he was doing well. But I will book and see her again.

We usually do 1, 2, 3 warnings.and then a consequence but I think maybe I've not been as consistent recently. And I need to be better at that.

Are you using praise as well? A lot of children, especially those with ADHD/ODD/PDA respond well to a combination of

praise for the good things they do, the small things not just exceptional activities but stuff like, putting their shoes in the right place, fetching their own drink, putting a toy away without being asked. Really notice and verbally acknowledge the positive behaviours. You will need to do this for DS and DD or she may feel left out and overlooked.

consistent, logical and immediate consequences. Like the 1, 2, 3 approach. He needs to be able to understand it and it needs to be proportionate.

pick your battles/let the small stuff slide. If you've asked him to put his coat on for instance and he refuses. You can choose to turn it in to a battle, refuse to leave the house, impact everyone else who's part of the outing, or you can throw the coat in your bag/car and let him get cold and then ask for it.

if you think something is bothering him but he doesn't want to talk, a good approach can be to do a parallel activity where you are together, doing something but not looking at each other. For my DD that's driving, just me and her. When I'm driving and she's sat in the passenger seat that's when she opens up and tells me about things that are worrying or annoying or upsetting her.

It may not all work but it's worth a try, you'll need to be in agreement with your DH, working as a team and be consistent with it for a few weeks to determine if it's working or if you need to adapt the approach.

Original poster

mumstheword1982 · 11/09/2023 22:26

Should he just take meds for school pr should we take them every day? Our pead says just school days but I've read that your shouldn't do medication breaks? Just wondered what others do? Will ask about a meds review.

OP posts:

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 11/09/2023 22:48

You are doing great, you are an great parent but only human, and your son will very much appreciate that you have been remorseful for your mistakes, since although his behaviour is extremely trying, he is managing the best he can. Unfortunately the medication, as you know, wears off in the afternoon, leading to a dip in his behaviour after school.

Does your son enjoy extracurricular activities? Important for his mental health and self esteem.

Do you allow yourself time for activities that you enjoy doing ? Do you have some times during the day that you escape from the stress.

Original poster

mumstheword1982 · 11/09/2023 23:05

He is football crazy and plays 3 x per week. He has recently been allowed to go to the park after school so plays with friends then. DH has said he might sign him up to a boxing club to see if getting his aggression out there works.

I work full time and ferry kids between clubs in the evenings so i don't get much me time at all.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/09/2023 23:44

My ASD/ADHD son is also very impulsive and constantly asks for things. Just the other day I sat and explained to him that now the holidays are over I was not going to be spending any money on anything except essentials as I have to save for Xmas and two birthdays coming up. He nodded and agreed and immediately started begging for things on Vinted or eBay. He is constantly doing this. We can't pass a shop ever without him asking for something, particularly fizzy drinks. It's draining. We've just started a 12 hour slow release medication and I am praying that this will help regulate things. So after that very long paragraph, maybe it's worth considering a meds tweak or something that will last longer? I really do empathise

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