12 year old lying about where they are going!

[Symposium]

How angry/worried would you you be?? I gave my 12 year old son permission for the first time to go on the bus with a Friend (who I haven't met) to a shopping centre in a large town just outside London , (we live on the outer part of London) I just checked find my phone and in fact he has travelled into central London! Rang him, and when he answered he continued to lie about where he was. I have asked him to return home immediately. I feel sick. He has ASD also and I think he is quite naive. Goodness knows what else he is lying about.

So you know he was in central London.

What you don't know is who he was with or even if he was with anyone.

I think I'd get in touch with the school, if it is a school friend then this could be a safeguarding issue.

If it isn't a school friend then it could also be a safeguarding issue.

Either way the school can talk to him and he won't be able to make up a student.

I doubt any 13 year old doesn't have their friend's number in their phone.

I'd be more worried than angry. My son has asd and that definitely makes him more vulnerable. He's 7 and a lot of kids his age play out. He's great with road safety but if someone said let's go in my house or walk to the park he would just do it not because he's naughty but because someone told him to and he doesn't see the risk.

I'd be concerned that your son is being groomed/manipulated. He also could have been on his own . I would let him have his tech but monitor regularly. Maybe ask his form tutor about friendships . And just keep a close eye. If he wants to meet a friend suggest they come to you. The risk is now that if he goes out again he could turn his tracking off then you won't know where he is.

How is OP acting that warrants lying?

The boy is 12, has ASD and went AWOL in London with someone his family don't know. Lots of red flags here. He is vulnerable because of his disability and his age.

12 is much too young to be travelling to London by yourself unless you live in London and meet with friends in familiar areas, maybe.

Tracking is pretty standard now, I track my dc as well as my parents. My DM is very elderly and lives in a big city but still has a busy social life and travels around by public transport even late at night, after going to the theatre or similar. Knowing where she is, should anything happen makes this all more reassuring for the whole family. There are always posters who act outraged at the thought of parents tracking their young teens but at the same time the same posters use dozens of apps and consoles that track them and their kids' every action, word and movement for commercial gain. I know which kind of tracking is more beneficial.

Those who say that the boy is embarrassed by his mum, so what? Aren't all teens embarrassed by the parents? That's tough but pretty normal and doesn't warrant a break down in the relationship.

OP, I agree, maybe speak with the school so they can check up on your son and keep a closer eye. They will know about the other child too and can find out if the boys had ever agreed to meet and why.

I think re people coming round, the key thing is that you confirm the person definitely exists and their approximate age. It acts as corroborating evidence that the person is who your son has said they are. You don't have to do a full Spanish inquisition style inquiry about the person.

I am considering talking to someone at school. I don't want to blow this up into something big or embarrass him but he keeps telling me slightly different stories. I just can't be sure what exactly is going on right now. I was so worried last night that I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go and check he was still in his bed. I would never have dreamed of needing to do that before.

I don't see how my behaviour has led to this. He literally just asked if he could go on the bus on his own for the first time and we talked about where and when and I agreed. He likes travelling on buses just for the fun of it, I'm pretty sure it's part of his ASD. He memorises the routes and facts about the types of buses. I usually go with him on these trips and it's usually very dull.

I found out a bit later that he was planning on going with a school friend and I told him I was pleased as I preferred the idea that he wouldn't be alone! I didn't interrogate him about it.

It's only since I discovered that he went into London and has told me a string of lies that I've become alarmed.

Gosh that is worrying @Symposium.
As your ds has ASD he will be more vulnerable ( although what 12 year old isn't vulnerable to grooming etc ? ).
I would liaise with the school- does this friend exist ?
Are they someone other than a peer in school ?
You need your questions answered.
Is your son's dad around ?
If so, could he get more out of your son ?
Boys at that age are starting to pull away from their Mums. Mine did as they wanted to be more "cool" with their friends.

@Symposium your instincts are telling you there is more to this and you are probably right.

There is no good reason he cannot tell you who his friend really is unless that friend has told him not to tell you or they are someone from the internet who is older.

Start with having a conversation with your son. Show him examples of how there are people in the world who are not what the seem. His ASD makes him more likely to believe someone who tells lies and he is at risk of being harmed by disingenuous people.

Explain that it isn't that you don't want him to make friends and go out on adventures, it is that you don't want someone who is false tricking him and hurting him.

You should remove internet including Discord and phone access until he earns those privileges back by being truthful with you. He is hiding information because he knows you would not permit what is actually going on.

Part of earning trust back would be showing you everything. The conversations with this person (who is probably not at his school) and their real plans.

I'd also tell him that he will NEVER be in trouble for telling the truth with you even if you don't like the truth. It is the lying and evading that gets him into trouble because you cannot trust someone who tells lies.

This. You should be checking his phone regularly at his age, anyway.

In my experience with ASD kids they can work themselves into a corner from where it is nigh on impossible to come out, especially when the parent is cross. Gentle talks, have a chat about county lines and other dangers but don't scare him, ask what he would if and then talk about scenarios. Ask him, if it matters to him to be safe. Do you have a pet OP? if yes, ask him how he would feel and what he might do if your pet went missing, would he worry, what would he do to find so he can learn to put himself in your shoes as well. Empathising really helps. If he does like going on the bus and decided to go by himself with no-one else involved, show interest in this and teach him how to go on bus journeys in a safe way. Some go to phrases if various scenarios should happen. On the whole though he sounds too immature ATM to be out by himself. Maybe revisit this privilege in 6 months time.

The not wanting the friend to know where he lives maybe his ASD more than anything.

DD doesn't like people in her space, although happy to go to their homes so when I want to get to know a new friend of hers I offer to take them somewhere fun that you have to drive to so I can get to know them on the journey and at lunch so places like go karting and sledging at the dry ski slopes.

I honestly don't know what to think right now. I do think he's kind of backed himself into a corner and he's continuing to lie to try and get out of it. He is quite immature even though he's physically grown a lot recently and probably looks older than he is. I thought I was doing the right thing in giving him a bit of independence and really I didn't expect it to go wrong so fast. He still calls me "mummy" and uses words such as "naughty ". I can't be sure if this friend exists. He's never really "got" friendships. For instance would think that the person he sits next to in class is his friend, even if they never spoke outside the classroom.

We have talked a lot about internet safety. He knows about Breck and has seen the film and I've told him about Andrew Gosden. I don't think it ever really sinks in for kids though. He swears that he doesn't talk to anyone but obviously now he's been lying so I don't know.

You probably won't get to the bottom of this.
But he is unharmed and now you know he lacks the maturity to make good choices.
Trust is earned.
Next time he asks to go out, you set the rules. No negotiation. He keeps to the plan, stays in contact and answers his phone. If he is with a friend he gives you verifiable contact details.
All goes well, he can continue to go out. If not, going out privileges and maybe others are withdrawn.
I think you may need to keep a closer eye on internet use too.

I'd be worried that he was planning to meet someone from online gaming. He's vulnerable & possibly not appreciate the risk he was taking in meeting a stranger. My friends 14yo son did exactly this a couple of years ago. He's not ND but didn't consider that this person could have been a dangerous predator bc they were meeting in public. It simply never occurred to him that it could be an older person or could have persuaded him to go somewhere. It's scary. I'd be shutting off the internet tbh & restricting all tech.