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Preteens

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Original poster

12 year old lying about where they are going!

88 replies

Symposium · 01/05/2023 15:51

How angry/worried would you you be?? I gave my 12 year old son permission for the first time to go on the bus with a Friend (who I haven't met) to a shopping centre in a large town just outside London , (we live on the outer part of London) I just checked find my phone and in fact he has travelled into central London! Rang him, and when he answered he continued to lie about where he was. I have asked him to return home immediately. I feel sick. He has ASD also and I think he is quite naive. Goodness knows what else he is lying about.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 01/05/2023 20:17

Ah sorry, I seemed to miss the earlier helpful post about County Lines.

VioletCharlotte · 01/05/2023 20:18

My DS2 used to get up to all sorts at that age and I would frequently catch up out about being somewhere he shouldn't. However, he has a pretty solid friendship group. In your son's case, I would be more worried about him being with a friend who you have never met. He has ASD so is more vulnerable to people taking advantage of him so I think you will have to be stricter with boundaries so that you can keep him safe.

OhcantthInkofaname · 01/05/2023 20:19

He doesn't mind you looking because he has an app that hides some info.

Greentree1 · 01/05/2023 20:46

12 is really young to be going off with 'a friend' you don't know. Maybe at 16 you don't know who all their friends are or who they are out with, although I would still hope I would know some of the people they are with, where they are going and when they will be back.

KitKatLove · 01/05/2023 20:46

depre · 01/05/2023 20:15

He is a vulnerable 12 year old. Autistic children tend to be behind their peers socially and emotionally, of course OP needs to know what he is doing and who he is with.

Show quote history

In which case they have learned, without too much drama, that he’s not ready for this particular type of independence. He came straight home when asked. The OP knows their son best, maybe in 6 months he will be ready for the responsibility of an independent trip out.

Original poster
Symposium · 01/05/2023 20:55

He's admitted that he lied about where they were going as he thought I would say no ( he is right about that). I have made it clear that that was absolutely the wrong thing to do and that by lying it means I cannot trust him and he is obviously not ready to go out like this. So far he has only ever gone to and from school by himself. Never anywhere else without an adult. He said I could meet the friend in the school car park (?) I suggested he invite the friend round our house after school.. but he says no as he doesn't want the friend to know where he lives!

OP posts:
GoodChat · 01/05/2023 20:57

Symposium · 01/05/2023 20:11

He's shown me a profile with a full name and email address from the school online platform he uses for homework . I'm inclined to think this is real as I don't see how he could fake that, but I don't know for sure if that is who he was with today.

At least when I did get hold of him by phone today and told him to come straight home , he did.

He claims to have made the plans in person at school.... I just find it hard to believe that they didn't share phone numbers or anything. He says he gave the friend his discord but they haven't connected yet.

What was he planning to do if you said no?
Where did he meet his friend today if they live 5 miles away?

DucksNewburyport · 01/05/2023 20:58

Well I guess say yes to meeting the friend in the school car park if that's the only way you can meet him!

AmandaHoldensLips · 01/05/2023 21:02

All kids lie. Some are worse than others. One of my godsons was an absolute bugger for lying and how his mother didn't strangle him I really don't know.

Find out who this kid was that he was with. Tell your son that you will have trouble trusting him if he continues to lie. Also that if he turns his location off again there will be hell to pay and serious consequences.

Original poster
Symposium · 01/05/2023 21:03

I think the ASD is very significant. He hasn't had friends of his own before that weren't children of my friends.. He said he doesn't want the friend to know where he lives in case they "break up" and the friend tells other people where he lives.

My stomach is in knots from this today. Wish I'd just said no to whole thing. He wouldn't have gone at all if I'd said no, well I'm 99% sure he wouldn't have.

OP posts:
HadalyEve · 01/05/2023 21:04

Symposium · 01/05/2023 15:51

How angry/worried would you you be?? I gave my 12 year old son permission for the first time to go on the bus with a Friend (who I haven't met) to a shopping centre in a large town just outside London , (we live on the outer part of London) I just checked find my phone and in fact he has travelled into central London! Rang him, and when he answered he continued to lie about where he was. I have asked him to return home immediately. I feel sick. He has ASD also and I think he is quite naive. Goodness knows what else he is lying about.

Did you check the route? Because sometimes you have to take the Tube into central London and then switch lines to get the Tube out in the direction of your destination.

GoodChat · 01/05/2023 21:04

He wouldn't have gone at all if I'd said no, well I'm 99% sure he wouldn't have.

I meant how would he have notified his friend. But there's a very really possibility he hadn't really thought about it, to be fair.

ReadersD1gest · 01/05/2023 21:09

Symposium · 01/05/2023 19:11

The friend he claims he was with isn't on his discord or WhatsApp or anything and he doesn't have his phone number.

I'd be very concerned as to who he was actually with.

ReadersD1gest · 01/05/2023 21:12

I suggested he invite the friend round our house after school.. but he says no as he doesn't want the friend to know where he lives!
Very, very concerning.

JumpingFish · 01/05/2023 21:18

Ask him why this particular friend must not know where he lives. You can say that his friends from primary know where he lives, what's different with this one? Does your ds do any extra curricular activities out of school where he can make friends, maybe whose parents you also know? Keep him close for the time being.

Original poster
Symposium · 01/05/2023 21:49

I'm definitely keeping him very close until I can get to the bottom of this. He had no reason to go anywhere near central London. He was supposed to get 1 bus that goes a little out of London. He was to get that bus, hang out in the town for a bit then same bus back.

He says they met at the bus stop but I can't see how that was coordinated without being in contact since school on Friday.

OP posts:
Beachhutnut · 01/05/2023 21:53

I think you need to involve school op for safeguarding.

LBFseBrom · 01/05/2023 22:06

I would be concerned about the boy lying but, when I think about it, I lied to my parents about where I was going at the age of 12. Even more so at 13,14,15 and 16! He has come to no harm and hasn't actually done anything wrong apart from not giving you the full picture. Perhaps you need to find out from him why he lied.

SenseiOfDuty · 01/05/2023 22:08

My son has ASD too and is exactly the same age. If he did this, I would be showing him the news reports of Breck Bednar and discussing it. I have to show exact examples of my concerns as generalized warnings don't work.

WheelsUp · 01/05/2023 22:41

You are doing the right thing monitoring this closely. Not only is he 12/13 with this being his first outing, I agree that the ASD is significant.
It sounds like it may take time to get the whole story but as a vulnerable child, he will be more susceptible to manipulation so needs protecting. In your shoes I'd want to know if the plan changed last minute , why they chose to go into Central London and what they were going to do or see there.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 01/05/2023 22:52

I feel you should be very worried about this whole scenerio. Trust your gut reaction.

The school may shed some light on the new friend and why he doesn't want to invite him over. Ask to speak to head of year. They are very likely to take it seriously. It would be interesting if the other boy lied to his parents as well.

WandaWonder · 01/05/2023 22:56

I have to admit if you were acting like this to me I would be lying where I was going too also

I think you need to calm down and talk to him, and no I do not track my child

LBFseBrom · 02/05/2023 00:57

Wise words, Wanda.

The fact that the boy doesn't want to introduce friend to his mum is significant. Children are easily embarrassed. I didn't like friends meeting my parents, it all seemed totally artificial when all my mother wanted was to be nosey.

SE13Mummy · 02/05/2023 00:58

I think you're right to be worried about how vulnerable your DS is, especially as he's not had much experience of making his own friends so it may be harder for him to judge how risky/manipulative this friend's behaviour is. The comments about him not wanting the friend to know where he lives would concern me and some of the other things you've said would make me wonder if he's been given a secret phone for use with this friend.

In your position, I would watch before watching it with him, explaining this is the sort of thing you are worried about when he is meeting someone you don't know and isn't being honest about his plans/location. I would also contact his school and ask to speak to the SENCo and/or DSL about your DS's vulnerability as well as sharing your concern about the mystery friend. Make the initial contact by email so you are able to keep track of when you first got in touch etc. in case it's something you need to follow up. It's possible the school will have the friend on its radar if he is at the school...

Breck's Last Game

*Trigger Warning* - grooming, coercive behaviour + violence. This film would be rated 15 if shown in cinemas.Breck’s Last Game, is a short film about 14-year...

https://youtu.be/hZIYSCE-ZjY

LadyJ2023 · 02/05/2023 03:07

You dont seem to wise in the way you just let him go off age 12 with someone not even you have met slightly concerning so not all of this mess is on him.