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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Can’t do it anymore

28 replies

Jazzhands7 · 02/04/2023 23:38

This sounds horrible but I don’t feel like I can be a parent anymore.

I getting literal panic attacks taking care of my kids the constant demands, not listening, not getting out the door on time constantly not being left alone ever even after more than a decade of parenting.

I actually think the stress is contributing to some chronic health issues I have. I always have one kid home because they’re sick or refusing to go to school. I can’t even go and cry because it will effect them too much.

I’m finding simple things like making dinner hard and it’s getting harder to interact with them I’m just starting to feel either numb, in extreme panic or depressed ‘.

I love my kids but I don’t know what to do? I really don’t know how to get out of this. I was hoping to have a day to myself to try and sort myself out mentally but again, my kid is home from school. They are always home from school and I feel like it’s been that way since covid.

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 02/04/2023 23:42

I’m sorry to hear that. I think it may help to speak to the doctor, maybe they can help with your mental health. In my experience, sounds like you are suffering from depression or similar. Could you call the GP in the morning?
Have you got a husband/boyfriend etc around who you can tell honestly how you are feeling?

FusionChefGeoff · 02/04/2023 23:56

Any chance this could be a exacerbated by peri menopause or actual menopause?

Finding simple things hard struck a chord with me - when I'm in a hormonal storm I can barely remember my own name and have abandoned a basket full of (pretty urgent) shopping because I couldn't decide which pizza to get.

I often need to be alone and quiet - too much noise or people makes the fog ten times worse.

greenlychee · 02/04/2023 23:58

do you have a partner? if so how supportive are they and could they help more?

Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 02/04/2023 23:59

Possibly but I’d be on the early side for it.

is there a way to find out if it could be perimenopause? How did you know?

OP posts:
Punkyspunky · 03/04/2023 00:03

Maybe you need to be a bit tougher with the kids. Unless they have a serious medical condition, there should not always be one at home and one at school.
Regular attendance is one of the main things which help students do well in education. Tell them if they are sick, they will be in bed, no electronics all day and night until they are ready to go back to school.

FusionChefGeoff · 03/04/2023 00:10

Jazzhands7 · 02/04/2023 23:59

Possibly but I’d be on the early side for it.

is there a way to find out if it could be perimenopause? How did you know?

I read up on the symptoms and suddenly joined the dots really as I had so many which I'd not ever linked before. Plus it's not permanent - some days I'm normal Smile.

Exhaustion like in early pregnancy
Brain fog
Overwhelm
Anxiety
Bloating
No tolerance for anything
Quick to anger
Hot flushes in the day
Night sweats

Then about 6 months after my 'ah ha' moment my cycles started to vary wildly.

Dr won't prescribe for me yet so I'm managing with lifestyle changes and supplements so far

Magnesium
Multi vit
Starflower
Vit D
Glucosamine

No sugar (mostly!), minimal caffeine, no booze, lots of sleep, lots of exercise and weight training

theblackradiator · 03/04/2023 00:34

can relate, I have a teen and pre teen and they are reasonably good well behaved kids to be honest but these past couple of years I've really hated being a parent and I absolutely dread the school holidays which are hear yet again. I feel awful for feeling this way but I feel at my happiest when dc are at school or when it's just me and the dog. I think these feelings started for me during lockdown as before then I'd look forward to school holidays and them being home and holidays etc. now I just wish it was me and the dog. I feel awful for feeling this way as they are good kids but I just can't shake it off. I've been a parent for 15 years now but i really really miss my pre kids life and the much more relaxed,chilled out, stress free person I was. sometimes I look forward to them growing up and leaving home so I can go back to that life but I don't suppose it'll ever be the same. I've often wondered if it's a perimenopausal thing with me too as I am mid 40s but i am still having very regular periods.

Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 03/04/2023 05:23

Yes it happened to me during lockdown too. I was the same as you.

Nothings really been the same since then. Maybe it is perimenopause for me too.

OP posts:
EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 06:28

Why on earth are they “always home from school”?

saltwater1985 · 03/04/2023 06:49

By the way, not crying when you need to for fear of upsetting your darlings is just silly.

Sometimes kids need to see the effect their behaviour has on you.

From what you've written it sounds like you need to get tough on them. They can go to school and they can pull their weight at home too, unless you want useless adults in the near future.

shutthewindownow · 03/04/2023 06:54

How old are they ?
It does sound as though they are walking all over you
My kids wouldn't even dream of refusing school ? How did that even start ? Kids go to school that's that. You need to be firm and set firm boundaries. Your kids are running you ragged it should t be this way.

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 08:14

* I can’t even go and cry because it will effect them too much.*

but panic attacks, numb, depressed, finding it hard to make dinner and interact with them.

OP I doubt you’ll be back but there is obviously a lot to unpick here

lorisparkle · 03/04/2023 10:25

I found the pre teen age / early teen age really tricky.

We tried being more strict with them but actually found this counter productive

Instead we put lots of rewards and encouragement and praise in - even for things they should be doing

So things like - a movie night on the weekend for going to school all week, a special treat for getting positive points at school

We also signed up one to a junior gym which he loves on the understanding it is for positive behaviour

I see the pre teen age very similar to toddlers - their bodies are changing rapidly but their emotional development is not yet matured. In fact the GP said it isn't until you are 25 that you brain has 'matured'.

The GP also said that for women it can be a really tricky time as they are often peri menopausal, their own parents are getting older, their husband is possibly having a mid life crisis, they are more likely to be working full time and they have teenagers. A perfect storm.

I did find my GP really helpful so worth a visit

theblackradiator · 03/04/2023 10:51

@Jazzhands7 how old are your dc op? are they refusing to go to school? if so can school help in anyway to resolve any issues they may be having. I do think the long lockdown was very damaging in lots of ways to kids and also us parents I know I've definitely changed as a parent since then.
I absolutely dread school holidays and feel myself becoming depressed at holiday times approach as I hate my dc being home, I'm already absolutely dreading the long summer hols. I've also lost interest in taking them places, mind you eldest is a teen and no longer wants to do anything or go anywhere with me anymore anyway. just glad I live in an area where they are safe to go out and play with friends which takes the pressure to entertain them off me. I just can't be arsed to parent anymore I'm sure I'm depressed in some way.
Do your Dc have friends they can go off on playdates with to give you a break even if it's just for a couple of hours?

Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/04/2023 10:24

Yes refusing school or they are sick which I guess is still due to the period over lockdown when they weren’t exposed as much to other people? Then it always seems to be holiday time. It’s seems just constant.

I can’t be arsed anymore either I go through the motions but I basically feel numb all of the time or panicky and then I get these severe gut symptoms which I think may be due to stress. Like I get in pain and vomit and basically haven’t been able to eat very much for over a year. But I can’t get away from the stress so I don’t know what to do.

No I haven’t been able to ask anyone to take my kids, I’ve tried and it’s only happened a few times. Families here are really busy and over scheduled. We live in a car heavy area nothing within walking distance. I’ve found if my kids want any social connection outside school I need to put my hand up. Sucks but just the way it is right now.

Schools been great but they can only do so much.

I don’t think I can do much except whinge online and wait for time to pass but I appreciate everyone that has said they have gone through the same thing or given advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/04/2023 10:26

Oh yes I do the no electronics thing. It doesn’t make a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/04/2023 10:31

Thank you did the GP do anything that was helpful?

I agree with the positive parenting. It does seem to work better. More energy intensive but better outcomes.

OP posts:
Rumpleforeskinz · 04/04/2023 10:33

OP, I often feel like this and my kids go to school daily (although are at private school, so their holidays are long and so it feels like they’re always at home).

They talk SO much at me and I find it so hard to feel engaged. It’s like there’s an expectation of me to be “fun mum” when they want it and I do just feel numb when they’re asking me to look at some inane spin, or to tell me in detail the exact conversation they just had with another person. Sometimes I can barely raise an “Mmmmm” in response and I feel shit about it.

Late 30s here, so potentially perimenopausal. Also found it hard since lockdown. I find holidays abroad particularly horrific.

user1492757084 · 04/04/2023 10:34

When you suspect your child of having a day off for no reason -ie they are tricking you.

  • Make up an important doctors appointment for your self meaning that this time, unless they are vomiting, they have to go to school and do their best; you can't have them at home. Also join a volunteering group so you can tell the kids you are doing that as well.
  • Leave the house, drop them off and have a day without them.
Your kids could be getting into bad habits.
pinkyredrose · 04/04/2023 10:37

Just stick them in the car/bus and make them go to school . Put your foot down.

Is their father around?

Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/04/2023 11:07

My kid has a medical condition. It’s not as simple as that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/04/2023 11:12

No my partner won’t help anymore than what’s happening now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazzhands7 · 04/04/2023 11:21

how do you suggest “Just sticking them on the bus?” I would really like to know?

I can’t physically drag them on the bus they’re too big.

I can take things away and that’s it and it doesn’t work. I can incentivise them and it sometimes works. i can sit down with them and work out why they don’t want to go and create steps to get them there sometimes works.

Sticking them on the bus is not that simple they aren’t handbags.

OP posts:
lorisparkle · 04/04/2023 13:07

@Jazzhands7 completely agree - I can't 'make' my 6ft 14 year old go to school. It is incredibly tough. Have you met with the school to talk about any support to get them in school, when ds2 was attending f2f school he had a late start, early finish and a place to be at break and lunch time. He could use ear phones to cope with the arriving in lessons and someone to go to when he needed to. Unfortunately they could not 'fix' the issue so the LA home school him.

lorisparkle · 04/04/2023 13:12

@Jazzhands7 for me the GP really listened - I was initially prescribed antidepressants and now have HRT. We are lucky that DS2 sees CAMHS and he is also on antidepressants.