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Preteens

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Original poster

Step dad boundaries?

51 replies

tiredmummy98 · 26/03/2023 22:24

My partner has a step daughter, she is not biologically his but he's brought her up from day 1. He's been an amazing father figure to her and they have a very close good relationship.

She's now 10 - and lately I feel like things have become (what I feel) is inappropriate but I don't know if I'm just over reacting?.

She's started going through puberty, and wearing those non padded bras that girls first wear.

She stays over his house every other weekend to sleep, she shares a bed with him and she wears these bras and just underwear in bed to sleep, she is also open with telling him she's starting to grow hairs under her arms and on her private area. He also still bathes her when she has a bath.

I've tried telling him this is really inappropriate as she is now 10 and started going through puberty and there should be some boundaries, but he basically said I was wrong to feel the way I was feeling and he thinks she should go to bed in whatever she wants to wear. And every time I try and speak to him about this he tries to flip it around on me and accuse me of cheating or he would say he's gonna break up with me.

Am I wrong for feeling like this is inappropriate what's going on?

OP posts:
usernamechanged1 · 26/03/2023 22:36

Why the hell is he bathing her? What is his actual reason for this?

Weird as fuck, IMO.

GrazingSheep · 26/03/2023 22:40

Yes. Weird.

Original poster
tiredmummy98 · 26/03/2023 22:45

usernamechanged1 · 26/03/2023 22:36

Why the hell is he bathing her? What is his actual reason for this?

Weird as fuck, IMO.

He says he's washing her hair for her because she can't wash it properly herself.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 26/03/2023 22:45

Do you have children? If you do, would you feel comfortable with them being with him?

usernamechanged1 · 26/03/2023 22:51

So was your partner with this girls mum before you?

I think is odd that any time you mention it he threatens to leave you out accuses you of cheating. Seems like he’s desperate to say anything that’ll make you drop the subject.

Original poster
tiredmummy98 · 26/03/2023 22:52

GrazingSheep · 26/03/2023 22:45

Do you have children? If you do, would you feel comfortable with them being with him?

We have a 7 month old baby boy together and I've had no concerns with him in his care so far.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 26/03/2023 22:52

Do you have older kids ?

Original poster
tiredmummy98 · 26/03/2023 22:54

usernamechanged1 · 26/03/2023 22:51

So was your partner with this girls mum before you?

I think is odd that any time you mention it he threatens to leave you out accuses you of cheating. Seems like he’s desperate to say anything that’ll make you drop the subject.

Yes, they broke up when the little girl was 3.

  • and what's making me feel even more uneasy how he tries to turn it around on me like I'm wrong for feeling this way.
OP posts:
TeaAndCrumpets7 · 26/03/2023 22:55

Nope, that’s weird.

There needs to be appropriate boundaries. She needs her own bed to sleep in, and she should be capable of washing by herself now. Does her mother know about this?

Original poster
tiredmummy98 · 26/03/2023 22:55

GrazingSheep · 26/03/2023 22:52

Do you have older kids ?

Yes I have a 9 year old boy from a previous relationship.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 26/03/2023 23:04

So you are not living with him ?

mrssanchez · 26/03/2023 23:33

I'm normally fine with co-sleeping, nudity in families etc. but this is not feeling ok tbh. Sorry but I'd be concerned. Wine

GeneralMelch · 26/03/2023 23:39

What does her mum think about him bathing her and sharing a bed?

BabyST · 19/04/2023 16:15

If this was the other way round a mother daughter relationship would people have a different view? I think they wouldn’t have an issue. Is this not just a dad looking after his daughter?

Laladybird · 19/04/2023 16:19

BabyST · 19/04/2023 16:15

If this was the other way round a mother daughter relationship would people have a different view? I think they wouldn’t have an issue. Is this not just a dad looking after his daughter?

Not by age 10. And my children quickly dropped the easy going nudity stuff when they reached puberty. In fact their behaviour change was the first sign their bodies were changing.

Bobbielikespeas · 19/04/2023 16:22

Find this v odd. 10 year olds should be able to wash their own hair. If not, they should be taught. Also, the bed thing, would it be possible to ask the girl if she would like her own bed? Is the girl's mother in the picture? Wonder what she thinks.

YellowGreenBlue · 19/04/2023 16:26

BabyST · 19/04/2023 16:15

If this was the other way round a mother daughter relationship would people have a different view? I think they wouldn’t have an issue. Is this not just a dad looking after his daughter?

But she's not his daughter, she's his step daughter. This would also be weird if it was a step mum.

SparklingLime · 19/04/2023 16:27

BabyST · 19/04/2023 16:15

If this was the other way round a mother daughter relationship would people have a different view? I think they wouldn’t have an issue. Is this not just a dad looking after his daughter?

False equivalence. Vast majority of sexual assaults perpetrated by men.

WeeOrcadian · 19/04/2023 16:28

It sounds to me like there is a LOT more here than meets the eye.
I absolutely wouldn't feel comfortable with DD sleeping like that, at that age, with my DH and he's her dad.

There seem to be literally no boundaries here. What concerns me more is that he's turning it around, gaslighting you and making it like YOU'RE the one acting inappropriately.

What does her mum think about it all?

Goodread1 · 19/04/2023 16:34

This is Creepy weird she is started to change her body is,

She definitely should be Capable of washing her hair, for goodness sake ,
Why is she not be shown,

Why on earth hasn't she got her own bed. For Christ sake....

Zola1 · 19/04/2023 16:38

She needs her own bed and in the interim your partner needs to sleep on the couch and tell her to wear pyjamas.
Your partner shouldn't be bathing her unless it's a quick pop in to check she's washed her hair properly.

VikingLady · 19/04/2023 16:56

Not all 10yo girls can wash themselves. My DD certainly can't. She's unlikely to manage her extremely thick long hair for another couple of years, and her attention span is so short she requires constant reminders about which bits to wash, because she cannot remember which bits she's done. Ever.

But turning it on you is very, very worrying regardless of their clothing beliefs (we have naturist friends too). Attacking you like that would definitely worry me.

Are you in decent terms with the mum? Could it be mentioned in passing?

Tabitha1960 · 19/04/2023 16:58

You need to be more assertive. Don't ASK him! TELL him that it's now inappropriate and it will cease right now.

If he dumps you because of it report him to social services.

Ollifer · 19/04/2023 17:02

I've never known a ten year old girl go to bed in just a bra and knickers. Literally have never heard of this. Or needing to be bathed by a parent, unless there are additional needs obviously.

I would not be comfortable with this at all - it's massively inappropriate. She needs to be taught how to wash herself and also needs to start sleeping in her own bed or at least wearing pyjamas or a nightie.

SarinhaA · 19/04/2023 17:07

Would you be asking if this was a woman? It feels like the "step" part of parenting is also a factor for you?

I personally feel it's an overreaction on your part. He is her parent, as you said, there from day 1. Yes, she can do with some encouragement in doing a few things on her own, etc - but simply because she's 10, not because of any other reason - in my opinion, of course.