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Preteens

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Original poster

Step dad boundaries?

51 replies

tiredmummy98 · 26/03/2023 22:24

My partner has a step daughter, she is not biologically his but he's brought her up from day 1. He's been an amazing father figure to her and they have a very close good relationship.

She's now 10 - and lately I feel like things have become (what I feel) is inappropriate but I don't know if I'm just over reacting?.

She's started going through puberty, and wearing those non padded bras that girls first wear.

She stays over his house every other weekend to sleep, she shares a bed with him and she wears these bras and just underwear in bed to sleep, she is also open with telling him she's starting to grow hairs under her arms and on her private area. He also still bathes her when she has a bath.

I've tried telling him this is really inappropriate as she is now 10 and started going through puberty and there should be some boundaries, but he basically said I was wrong to feel the way I was feeling and he thinks she should go to bed in whatever she wants to wear. And every time I try and speak to him about this he tries to flip it around on me and accuse me of cheating or he would say he's gonna break up with me.

Am I wrong for feeling like this is inappropriate what's going on?

OP posts:
SarinhaA · 19/04/2023 17:07

BabyST · 19/04/2023 16:15

If this was the other way round a mother daughter relationship would people have a different view? I think they wouldn’t have an issue. Is this not just a dad looking after his daughter?

Totally agree.

Boogismyname · 19/04/2023 17:30

It's not right at all.

piedbeauty · 19/04/2023 17:38

And every time I try and speak to him about this he tries to flip it around on me and accuse me of cheating or he would say he's gonna break up with me.

Weird and grim AF. Deflecting so you can't talk about it. How ... mature.

It sounds all wrong to me, op. His sd needs some privacy.

piedbeauty · 19/04/2023 17:40

BabyST · 19/04/2023 16:15

If this was the other way round a mother daughter relationship would people have a different view? I think they wouldn’t have an issue. Is this not just a dad looking after his daughter?

A step-dad.

And it's not the same. 97% of sexual abuse is carried out by men.

SarinhaA · 19/04/2023 18:48

Are we implying that all step parents are less responsible and loving? Feel sorry for all the step parents that have brought up children as their own when biological parents couldn't/wouldn't.

Laladybird · 20/04/2023 07:47

SarinhaA · 19/04/2023 18:48

Are we implying that all step parents are less responsible and loving? Feel sorry for all the step parents that have brought up children as their own when biological parents couldn't/wouldn't.

No, people are questioning why a man on his own is sharing bed and bath with 10 year old child. Being polite to protect the adult's feelings over the child's welfare is a great enabler of child abuse.

SarinhaA · 20/04/2023 08:01

A bunch of strangers are jumping into massively accusatory assumptions with very little information. The little information you seem to be focusing on is that he's a man a god forbid, the little girls STEP father!

If this behaviour is so damn worrying then surely the poster should call the police? Be worried for their own child too?

Angry
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 20/04/2023 08:18

VikingLady · 19/04/2023 16:56

Not all 10yo girls can wash themselves. My DD certainly can't. She's unlikely to manage her extremely thick long hair for another couple of years, and her attention span is so short she requires constant reminders about which bits to wash, because she cannot remember which bits she's done. Ever.

But turning it on you is very, very worrying regardless of their clothing beliefs (we have naturist friends too). Attacking you like that would definitely worry me.

Are you in decent terms with the mum? Could it be mentioned in passing?

My 10 year old needs help washing too. The sleeping with the man who's essentially her Dad I don't think is automatically a red flag but I agree his response attacking OP about it is worrying. My 10 year old goes to bed in just undies because that's how they're comfortable sleeping. They never share a bed with either parent, but again that's what they want. I think that's the other worry for me, if DSD feels that she needs to share a bed because it would otherwise make her Dad unhappy. No child should be sharing a bed if that's not their free choice.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 20/04/2023 08:36

It did occur to me that his reaction might be down to coming across this attitude before, people looking askance because shes not biologically his child and that like my abusive stbxh he feels attack is the best form of defence. Given the potential for harm though I'd always err on the side of caution, it's important to make sure everything's above board. Speaking to her mum, making sure she has a seperate place to sleep and isn't feeling emotionally coerced, feel like good places to start.

Lilybetsey · 20/04/2023 09:01

As a mother I stopped bathing with my make children about 7yo - it just became less appropriate . I would still pop in a check hair washing / or sometimes do it, but sharing a bath / shower as I sometimes did when they were younger? No. This is inappropriate.

Lilybetsey · 20/04/2023 09:01

Male - not make !!

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 10:03

Red safeguarding flags, report him and get out whilst u can.

SocialLite · 20/04/2023 10:35

Lilybetsey · 20/04/2023 09:01

As a mother I stopped bathing with my make children about 7yo - it just became less appropriate . I would still pop in a check hair washing / or sometimes do it, but sharing a bath / shower as I sometimes did when they were younger? No. This is inappropriate.

Op didn't say he bathed WITH her, she said he helps her.

BabyST · 20/04/2023 20:39

I think this thread is going down the lines of 97% of men are a risk to children by the comments posted above. Clearly, some have not read the post correctly when it stated the stepfather (who has raised her) helps wash her hair. Does her mother do this too? Is there a difference 🤔

There is certainly not enough information posted above for so many to jump to a conclusion that this man doesn't have his daughter's best interests at heart.

Notoironing · 15/05/2023 18:55

Weird that he split up with the girl’s mum 7 years ago but she still stays over.

Daffodilmorning · 15/05/2023 19:00

Yeah I think this is a red flag. Bed sharing is fine but not in underwear at the age of 10 (regardless of the sex of the parent or child). Bathing is slightly different and I can believe that some children still need help… but his reaction to your questions seems really off.

Watchthedoormat · 15/05/2023 19:14

I could not sit back and let this happen.
He is not her father and even if he was her biological dad it is completely inappropriate.
I'd wonder if she's allowing him to bathe her etc as she thinks if she doesn't still act like a child then, as he's not her dad and has a new family he may not see her anymore.
It's all a bit creepy and you need to speak out.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 16/05/2023 07:42

Not all 10yo girls can wash themselves. My DD certainly can't. She's unlikely to manage her extremely thick long hair for another couple of years, and her attention span is so short she requires constant reminders about which bits to wash, because she cannot remember which bits she's done. Ever

Grantee but she's only there every other weekend, does she really need to wash her hair and does it matter if she doesn't wash every last bit?

I find the turning this around on you very concerning OP. You have every right to be concerned.

Are you staying with him, knowing that he's gaslighting you?

LillteSwim · 16/05/2023 22:26

BabyST · 20/04/2023 20:39

I think this thread is going down the lines of 97% of men are a risk to children by the comments posted above. Clearly, some have not read the post correctly when it stated the stepfather (who has raised her) helps wash her hair. Does her mother do this too? Is there a difference 🤔

There is certainly not enough information posted above for so many to jump to a conclusion that this man doesn't have his daughter's best interests at heart.

I agree with this comment. My daughter is 12 and still needs help washing her hair sometimes depending how muddy she is after training. Or she likes to fall asleep in the bath and one of us has to pop in and check on her. I think it’s a disgrace that most comments and against this poor man. Makes my blood boil not all men and bad you know

Hibiscrubbed · 05/07/2023 12:26

How did this work out @tiredmummy98 ?

Your partner was abusive to you as well wasn’t he? And you’d separated on several occasions? And he was not at all engaged in the life of your shared baby son, which makes his deep interest in a little girl who’s not his daughter all the more concerning.

I hope you got away from him in the end. It sounded very sinister.

Notamum12345577 · 05/07/2023 18:53

Notoironing · 15/05/2023 18:55

Weird that he split up with the girl’s mum 7 years ago but she still stays over.

He raised her from day 1. He is her dad in all other ways, he just didn’t fertilise the egg. So he should have just dropped her after splitting from her mum, even though he is the only dad she knows?

Notamum12345577 · 05/07/2023 18:54

YellowGreenBlue · 19/04/2023 16:26

But she's not his daughter, she's his step daughter. This would also be weird if it was a step mum.

Show quote history

She is his daughter, he raised her from day one. He may not be biologically, but looks like he is the only dad she has known.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/07/2023 19:33

What am I reading? Of course it's not appropriate. What are you going to do about it?
Please don't listen to the posters who say that 10 year olds can't be expected to wash themselves or their long, thick hair, they are infantilising what should be perfectly competent, independent almost-secondary-aged young people.SD wears a bra and is getting pubes -she needs to able clean herself!

Hibiscrubbed · 06/07/2023 20:39

@Notamum12345577 I suggest you read this poster’s other threads before jumping to this man’s defence. He’s awful.

Notamum12345577 · 07/07/2023 10:59

Hibiscrubbed · 06/07/2023 20:39

@Notamum12345577 I suggest you read this poster’s other threads before jumping to this man’s defence. He’s awful.

I’m not jumping to his defence really, I’m just replying to people who are calling him the step dad, and asking why he is still in contact when he split up with her mum years ago. Erm, it looks like he is her dad in every way apart from the biological one! Sleeping in the bed with her, bathing her, yes maybe a bit weird. Maybe he is a nasty piece of work to the OP, I haven’t read the other threads. My comments were more in general to people who seem to be saying that a dad cannot be anyone else apart from the man who’s sperm fertilised the egg.

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