Uncontrollable daughter, no help

[Oellph]

Our daughter is 10. Her brother is 13 and is no trouble at all. Very sensible, grown up and takes responsibility for himself and his actions.

She can be a real darling. Apparently exhibits no bad behaviours at school. But at home she very quickly complains of boredom. Needs constant activity. But the worst comes at bed time. For a long time we've struggled to get her to sleep much before 10:30. Her TV and internet access go off at 10pm unless it's the holidays. She'll demand more and when she doesn't get it, starts banging doors, throwing stuff around in her room (at times it's been impossible to walk through her bedroom because of what was on the floor) and then getting physical with us. She doesn't seem to want to sleep and that then triggers the boredom and uncontrollable desire for TV or internet.

There are days when she refuses to go to school. We've talked with them. Had a few meetings. It seems to boil down to not liking the feel of the school shirt or some other seemingly minor thing.

We've tried CAMHS and GP. Apparently she doesn't warrant help or intervention. But honestly, it feels one step removed from serious harm or incident.

It makes me (her dad) feel so angry. Especially when she hurts her mum.

We've tried reward charts, removal of certain things (iPad etc.). But nothing seems to click. When she gets into this frame of mind, no logic, reasoning or anything else seems to snap her out of it until a point where the escalation has gotten to breaking point :(

Last night was a good example. She's had an iPhone (one of our old ones) for the last year, but without a SIM card. WiFi only at home or via our hotspots. Like her friends, and her brother before her, we gave her a SIM card yesterday as a late Christmas present. (Although she has to pay part of the monthly charge herself). She was over the moon. Really happy. And when we gave it, she promised that bedtime would be prompt at 10pm. But come that time, it all kicked off again. As bad as ever. I just cannot understand how, having been given something nice, a bit more ownership and responsibility, she throws it right back in our face.

If we try non violent resistance, she will start to disturb her brother, or start throwing other stuff around the house. (If she stayed in her room and trashed that, I'd leave her to it).

Earlier in the year I took up archery and I thought it would be a good father/daughter activity and bonding, so she joined with me. We go once or twice a week. But it's another example of nothing really clicking.

When it's at its worst I'm starting to wish we'd never had her ;(

Without any professional help, we feel hopeless.

Yes, sorry, I hope it didn’t sound like I was having a go. My xH argued all the way to court that my DS’s issues were due to my ‘mental instability’ (which fortunately he got nowhere with but I spent many hours in mediation trying to get him to take on board strategies and ways of helping DS but xH only seem to be able to process this to a certain point because it diverts from how he wants to do things).
My DS likes to watch his shows before bed and will turn his phone off himself at 10pm, but he has not always done that. Now it’s his routine. Previously, I used to have to snuggle him in and listen to him talking away for a good while whilst I hugged him and he calmed down. This is where the weighted blanket also helps. the weighted blanket also helps with meltdowns. It goes over him, and one of his shows goes on once he has calmed a bit.

Board games after about 8pm are a no -go because he is too overwrought and it just gets silly or he and DD bicker. But it will be a case of seeing what works for your DD. I think the more you read about strategies to help with sensory issues, autism and ADHD, the better. And if you can afford to get private help, go for it. It makes a huge difference to have support with finding strategies and I was just lucky to see the paediatric OT on the NHS. I also paid to see a child psychiatrist which was reassuring that I was going in the right direction, and quite useful also for getting xH on board.

Board games for DD would be a no go at 8pm onwards. She'd hyper focus on winning and cheat & fights would break out or she'd have no interest and refuse to play. No middle ground

No primary school child should have screen time after 8pm. My DD14 (year 10) has her phone turn off at 10, and we are in the holidays. I will change it to 9 from when they are back in school.

Please take her to a Paediatrician and look at possible features of Autism and Adhd. I say this as a Speech Pathologist who administers autism assessments, I have adhd myself and 2 children with adhd and one who is Autistic.
Come down hard on technology, it is an addiction and no time will ever be "enough"..

Shes 10, ditch the phone and ipad aside from set times, go back to basics of 1:1 face to face interactions and board games and

Third vote there for 'the explosive child'.
One thing that jumped out for me was 'you wouldn't punish a toddler for wetting the bed because you know their body just hasn't developed enough yet so they don't have the skill. In the same way you should t punish a child (particularly a ND child I would add) if their brain isn't telling them to do what you want them to door what you think is the obvious thing to do.'

Be on her side, help her regulate, put in the boundaries that she needs because she doesn't know how.

Good luck, you sound like kind parents.

My ASD Dd found iPads really soothing though. They would calm her down in ways that we never could.

Yes I don’t think you can generalise. DS is excellent with tech and that is what he is interested in. He likes watching travel vlogs as well. So I don’t think it is mindless. It’s stuff he likes learning about and it calms him down. Usually helps him think up projects to try as well. It’s not how my brain works, so as long as I know what he is watching (sometimes I watch with him, if he wants me to) and he is doing other things as well, I don’t see a big issue with it.

ASD is a spectrum and depending in the person, the advice to ditch the iPad and do 1:1 face to face interactions and board games cannot be applied universally.

As well as me having ADHD and ASD, two of my DC have ASD as well. Both very different in terms of overall mosaic presentation but both would not be able to cope with face to face interactions or board games as part of a wind down, pre bedtime routine. They both need to have quiet, alone time with their pads or computers in order to decompress and relax enough to sleep. Face to face interactions require energy from them and after along day, they quite often are nonverbal as in grunting or one word answers to communicate and enforcing my presence on them would only lead to anger and possibly a meltdown. Board games & video games are fun, but at the absolute latest as an after dinner activity such that they finish a good 2-3hrs before bedtime.

Like a prior poster’s DC, one of our DC also has a weighted blanket which is a huge help. But a PITA when travelling as it must go with us on holidays and really affects our baggage weight allowance!

If you can provide evidence of disability and need (Tame ot willing to write a letter?) You may well be able to take it as a disability aid

Identical to my dd10 but she was diagnosed with autism two years ago. The meltdowns are horrific and trying to her up for school is hell. I'm dreading the return this week. She hates the way she looks, her uniform etc. she can't make friendships. Because she masks at school Senco can't see an issue. She screamed at me to eff off this morning she is so angry all the time. There is no help available. I just don't know how to cope anymore.