No real friends year 7

[Borris]

DD has gone to a school where she knew nobody. Some of the other girls came in groups and a few were like dd in not knowing anybody else.

Today they had a half day for the last day of term. DD was upset when she came home as she’d asked a couple of different groups if they wanted to go into town with her. One group already had plans, but another pair told dd that they didn’t want her tagging along with them. She’s really sad tonight.

Has anyone else had similar? Do you just wait it out and hope she finds her tribe? She did go to a lunchtime science club this week that she’d not tried before and did enjoy. I just feel so sad for her. She didn’t seem to struggle with friends in primary.

In primary there’s a strong culture of “include everyone” and “all play together”. Friendships are largely dictated by parents. So everyone has friends, even if they’re on the periphery of the group.

The problems arise in secondary when friendships are no longer dictated by parents but managed by the kids themselves. They choose their own friends, they don’t just play with whoever their parents and teachers tell them to play with. So this is when it becomes obvious that some kids have no real friends and aren’t able to form friendships.

Does your daughter have any diagnosis or is there a reason why she struggles to make friends? Have you considered things like autism? Often autistic kids are rejected by their peers at secondary age and that’s when their difficulties become apparent.

I’ve never suspected autism but I know girls can hide it pretty well. I wouldn’t say she’s keen on routine or anything. She does seem to get on with adults better, but I thought that is partly because she is an only child. She has maintained friendships with a couple of primary friends that live in our village.

I wouldn't jump straight to thinking your DD has autism or similar. Lots of kids are in this situation in the early years of secondary and there are lots of helpful threads about it. She probably just needs to find her tribe.

Check out the year 7 support group thread on the secondary education board. Lots of kids feeling the same and some good advice. I'll also try to link a couple of threads with some good advice in them. Good luck.

Advice for 12 yo - worried she's become isolated
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/preteens/4600138-advice-for-12-yo-worried-shes-become-isolated

DD has been told she can't walk with them anymore.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/preteens/4537680-dd-has-been-told-she-cant-walk-with-them-anymore

Hopefully you'll find some good advice on these threads about how your DD can branch out.

Oh ffs. A child struggles with Friendships and it immediately goes to autism.
Also, that's just the stigma attached to Autism isn't it.
Kid can't make friends, its ASD. OP's DD wants to make friends. Asked all the correct questions. Explained that she started secondary without knowing anyone.
She will find her tribe, it might just take some time.

My dd is disgnoised autistic btw. (On the cusp) and year 7 and has lots of friends. She just struggles with being overstimulated occasionally.

Sport clubs? Art clubs? All those things will help her find her tribe too

Year 7 and the transition from primary to secondary can be a tricky time for lots of kids. It does sometimes take time to find her tribe. Can you encourage her to arrange to meet friends over the holidays? This is the age when they start organising things themselves (rather than you contacting the other parent) and finding their independence. If she doesn't have much luck, she could contact her old primary friends.

Does she do any activities outside school? My teen DD plays netball and has a group of friends outside school which helps if school friendships are tricky.

My DD had an very close relationship with a friend in primary but they went to different secondaries. She has never managed to replicate that friendship, not even close, and now at the end of secondary is still on the periphery of various groups and often not included when they plan something / go out. It's very sad.

Try to big her up and work on her confidence. Speak to form tutor. Fingers crossed she will find her tribe - neither of mine found their genuine friends until year 8/9 though they had mates but not special ones. Good luck bless her

Sounds awful but are there any traits that might annoy others? My friends Dd was quite indulged and had tantrums when she didn’t get her way - what was tolerated at primary wasn’t at secondary.

The best advice I can offer you is to build up out of school friendships. My dd (year 8) is a cadet and also attends a very close knit self defence for girls group. She started both knowing no one and has very close friends at both now.
Somehow, having friends out of school has made her more relaxed about meeting people in school, and friendships have blossomed this term. Dd is an only child as well, get along with adults and kids older than herself and eyerolls at the ridiculous y8 dramas within her peer group. Both out of school activities the friends she’s made are a little older than her, which I think has helped.

Thanks. Didn't know about the year 7 support thread 😊

She did go to the village youth club with primary friends which she enjoyed. Unfortunately it often falls on her weekends with her dad and for some reason she won't ask him to take her

Sorry. It's heartbreaking to watch isn't it.

She's quite competitive which I think could annoy others. I can't quite explain it but in a situation where she knew someone was wrong but they thought they were right she wouldn't let it slide and think that it doesn't really matter. She'd try and find proof that she's right. Also if she doesn't think she'll be great at something (sport, music, drama etc) then she won't want to try it. I guess that's a confidence thing

My child didnt find his people until he joined cadets and made lots of friends it also built up his confidence, and he has had some amazing experiences, some of the kids there happened to go to the same school as him and he started to hang around with them at school too, friendships snowballed from there.
I recommend outside clubs such as cadets it will definitely boost her confidence and you never know some kids from school could also go there too.

Give it time. She's only had one term at the new school.

I didn't know anyone when I started at secondary school. I didn't really find 'my people' until my second year, then I was part of two different friendship groups who I remained close to for the rest of my time at school and after.

She should take every opportunity to chat with people - in the dinner queue, waiting for the bus, whenever - looking out for people she 'clicks' with or has shared interests with. And if someone suggests a club or activity and she's not sure whether she'll enjoy it, she should give it a go anyway. Worst case, she'll have been bored for an hour or so and needn't go again. Best case, she'll have found a new interest and a new friend.

My dd was similar in year 7. Now year 8 and whilst far from the most popular kid in her year she does appear to have found her (mini) tribe. Give it time OP, it's early days yet.

She's only been there 1 term. That's not very long really.

My DD has just started to make some new year 7 friends that aren't friends she already had from Primary School. They're still getting to know each other and things are often fairly fluid for the first year.

Doing some school clubs is a good idea. She'll get to know some other people with similar interests and have more time to chat than when in class.

I would try not to worry too much it took my DS until the spring term of year 7 to make friendships that he would go out with and now he's so busy I never see him! It is a big adjustment and sometimes takes children longer than others.

Find friends outside school? Sports, hobbies, community?

DD is already stressing about returning to school in the New Year. I've suggested that she gets involved in lots of clubs and she seemed open to that. She 100% doesn't want me to speak to her class teacher.

Can anyone recommend any books about friendships that could help?

We did have photo albums out while visiting my parents and I pointed out that the group of girls at my 12th birthday were completely different to the girls at my 16th. Also I was an august birthday so had done the whole of year 7 before my birthday